am I being delusional?

[ExpatInItaly]

I have an ex who died too, so I relate to a lot of what you are saying. Mourning and grief are complex.

But looking for your ex in a strange man you don't know isn't the way forward. It's causing you to project and attach yourself to someone who has nothing to do with your ex, and to assign meaning where there really isn't a basis for it.  I do hope you're getting some professional help with your loss. I was a mess after my ex passed and remained in that place for a long while. I didn't even really see how much I needed help until some kind friends expressed  concern that I wasn't coping and was starting to make poor choices for myself. 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

I actually googled him after the first night

And that's fine, but surely you know Google is not going to tell you the whole story about someone. You don't know who he is behind closed doors. He might be fine or he might be a complete creep. The point is not to attach youself to the idea of someone, and not to let some flattering words cloud your common sense. 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

I just know deep down he will come back.

Come back to... what? Some more messaging? I don't mean to minimize your good times with him, but there really isn't anything to come back to. You aren't dating and he doesn't want a relationship with you. It was a fun weekend, but that's where it ended. Try not to read more into it. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I left my husband though because I felt like I had chosen him prematurely while grieving my ex who had died. This guy reminds me soo much of my ex.

You are doing the same thing here. You have chosen this guy prematurely without doing your due diligence - is he single? Does he have an STD? Is he a reliable partner? You have no idea. The only thing you know for sure is that he has a drug problem. And that’s a HUGE red flag. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just know deep down he will come back.

How do you know that? 

You are projecting here. And I would say, if he was to return that would not be a good thing… Men who do not consistently communicate or show interest are men to be avoided… 

[FredEire]

They say cocaine is a hell of a drug for a reason. I've had several friends I've fallen out with because they turned from troubled but decent people into manipulative, delusional dickheads who would do or say anything for the next bag or ego boost.

And what he texted you after sounds pretty par for the course. My "friends" would tell everyone how wonderful, special, and all out fantastic they were, and the next minute they'd be asking for large sums of money they had no intention of paying back, or outright stealing. The last straw to stay far away from anyone like this was when one of them spiked me with MDMA because it annoyed him I didn't share his shitty drug habits.

Stay far away from coke heads, they're no good and no good will come out of the relationship until they decide to completely clean up their act and get off it forever, which given how addictive it is is much easier said than done.

[swirlingcloud]

You have ADHD, it can be more difficult for you to get off the ride, so to say. None of the what, ifs matters. You want to be played with, you want someone addicted, you want that life style? If the answer is no then you know what you should do. It's your life. Try to make the best of it :)

[Sanch62]

10 hours ago, Anonymous said:

...I left my husband though because I felt like I had chosen him prematurely while grieving my ex who had died. I never let myself get over it truly before moving on. This guy reminds me soo much of my ex. I don’t know.

You raised the question, "Am I delusional?" in your title, and I don't mean this unkindly, but yes, you are delusional. You're trying to super-impose your ex onto a coke-head who flattered you and showed you a great time.

Quote

I just know deep down he will come back. Even though I didn’t reply. I guess any evidence is what I’m latching on to.

You know 'who' will come back; your ex in the form of a coked-up guy who made you feel good for a couple of days?

You mentioned pursuing a career in the health care field. That requires stability. And as you know, trained professionals are available to help you find your stability again.

Coke-filled romps are not a way to connect with your ex who has passed, and my heart goes out to you for your loss. I hope you will please reach for any help you may need to get clarity. From a clearer perspective, you will thank yourself for your resilience and your ability to overcome the seduction of a person and a drug that can wreck your life.

[smackie9]

On 6/27/2025 at 3:11 PM, Anonymous said:

He definitely has some kind of situation. The rushing out suddenly, ignoring phone calls etc. I won’t take this personal but I definitely felt some very strong chemistry. He kept saying if it’s “destiny” etc. Alas.  I didn’t respond to the last texts he sent me but some part of me hopes he comes back 

This is called love bombing. Big red flag. 

[Anonymous]

46 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This is called love bombing. Big red flag. 

I kinda feared this was the case. Very complimentary. 

[Anonymous]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

How do you know that? 

You are projecting here. And I would say, if he was to return that would not be a good thing… Men who do not consistently communicate or show interest are men to be avoided… 

Well I was the one who didn’t reply to his last two texts on Thursday  but you’re right he hasn’t attempted to contact me again although he’s always the first to watch my instagram stories. 

[Anonymous]

On 6/29/2025 at 6:23 AM, BaileyB said:

You are doing the same thing here. You have chosen this guy prematurely without doing your due diligence - is he single? Does he have an STD? Is he a reliable partner? You have no idea. The only thing you know for sure is that he has a drug problem. And that’s a HUGE red flag. 

Update to all!!! I found out he has a PREGNANT fiance. I am devastated. He lied to me even when I asked. Everything makes sense. Anyway I appreciate all the reasons. You guys were all right. To therapy I go

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

I found out he has a PREGNANT fiance

I can't say I am surprised. It's best that you know the truth about him. 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

You guys were all right. To therapy I go

This is very wise. You were trying to attach yourself to a stranger you knew nothing about, and you can see now why that was a huge risk. Therapy will help you untangle all of that and make healthier choices for yourself. 

I do hope you used protection with this man? 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

He lied to me even when I asked. 

Cheating men and drug users lie. 

You failed to recognize him as such, that’s where your work starts. Thus, your shock - you failed to heed the red flags. 

 

Edited Tuesday at 04:36 AM by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

He lied to me even when I asked

Also not surprising. 

Again, this underlines why you need to be a lot more practical and cautious about interacting with strangers. You had no idea who you were really dealing with. He also doesn't know you, and apparently it was no skin off his back to lie to you to get some sex and attention.

[Sanch62]

12 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I am devastated.

It might be helpful to challenge how upsetting this 'must' be for you. When your default language is dramatic, your emotions will follow suit. Checking the voice you run in your head can be liberating. 

Quote

He lied to me even when I asked. 

Asking a coke head to be honest is a useless exercise.

Quote

Everything makes sense.

Yes it does. Better days are ahead for you.

[Anonymous]

11 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

It might be helpful to challenge how upsetting this 'must' be for you. When your default language is dramatic, your emotions will follow suit. Checking the voice you run in your head can be liberating. 

Asking a coke head to be honest is a useless exercise.

Yes it does. Better days are ahead for you.

The problem with dedicating so much of your life to school as a physician is that the social portion of life often gets missed. I am naive to say the least. For some reason even today I find myself tearing up about it. Regardless of how illogical. I did sign up for therapy though. I guess asking myself would I want someone who engages in coke, sleeps around, and lies as a partner long term should be enough but it’s not. I’m also hurt. We did not use protection. Yes I got tested. But that means he was also willing to put his pregnant partner at risk too as I also was a stranger to him. 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

But that means he was also willing to put his pregnant partner at risk too as I also was a stranger to him. 

Add that to the list of red flags. 
 

28 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

For some reason even today I find myself tearing up about it. Regardless of how illogical.

There is always disappointment and hurt when a relationship ends. What you are feeling is normal, to a certain extent. It takes a bit of time to let go of the hopes and dreams you had for the relationship.

It is important to put things in perspective. This wasn’t actually a relationship - your investment here was too much too soon. The hurt reflects the fact that you over-invested. But the other word for what you are feeling - grief. The pain may well be transference - you think you are grieving the loss of the man with whom you had a weekend fling but in truth, you grieve the partner that you lost previously, how that relationship made you feel, and all your hopes and dreams for that future. (you have admitted that this man reminded you of your former partner and how you felt in that relationship). 

Glad to hear that you are going to do some counselling. That is the single best decision you can make for yourself - I wish you better days ahead…

Edited Tuesday at 03:05 PM by BaileyB

[Sanch62]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The pain may well be transference - you think you are grieving the loss of the man with whom you had a weekend fling but in truth, you grieve the partner that you lost previously, how that relationship made you feel, and all your hopes and dreams for that future.

This is astute. We don't always cry for the reasons we think we're crying. One thing can strike an emotional chord, some tears might flow from that, only to turn into a bout of heavy weeping and a feeling of crying for every tear you've ever--or never--cried.

If you can lean in and go with it, it can be very cleansing, and the detox benefits can be satisfying. It might also lead you toward another bout, and another, until you are spent.

I'd just be careful with your self-talk during this time. Expand your focus beyond this one thing to avoid drilling yourself into a pit while still not addressing your deeper grief. The fling was a fling. It was a dangerous one, and you are lucky to have come home safely. But the fact that it has tapped into deeper stuff does not make you a freak, it makes you human.

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I'd just be careful with your self-talk during this time.

100%

This is where counselling will be really helpful OP.
 

56 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

The fling was a fling. It was a dangerous one, and you are lucky to have come home safely.

Exactly. 

Learn from this experience. Heal what needs to be healed from the past so that you can make better decisions in the future… that’s the bottom line.

[Anonymous]

On 7/1/2025 at 8:03 AM, BaileyB said:

Add that to the list of red flags. 
 

There is always disappointment and hurt when a relationship ends. What you are feeling is normal, to a certain extent. It takes a bit of time to let go of the hopes and dreams you had for the relationship.

It is important to put things in perspective. This wasn’t actually a relationship - your investment here was too much too soon. The hurt reflects the fact that you over-invested. But the other word for what you are feeling - grief. The pain may well be transference - you think you are grieving the loss of the man with whom you had a weekend fling but in truth, you grieve the partner that you lost previously, how that relationship made you feel, and all your hopes and dreams for that future. (you have admitted that this man reminded you of your former partner and how you felt in that relationship). 

Glad to hear that you are going to do some counselling. That is the single best decision you can make for yourself - I wish you better days ahead…

Reading this turned me into a puddle of tears. My ex didn’t do drugs but this persons energy reminded me so much of him. Very similar personalities. Very free spirited, extroverted, long hair, could talk to anyone. It was so uncanny and felt like for 2 days he was alive again and we got to hangout. I can’t dig my ex out of the grave and make him alive again; so for me even though short lived it felt like the closest thing to it. However, now knowing what this person has an entire spouse who is pregnant honestly just makes it more painful in that my ex would never do something like that. It was wishful thinking for me. It felt kindred though and to him I was just another girl to cheat on his spouse with. I hate that now I feel so jealous of his fiancé even still. Even knowing she likely doesn’t know about me because at least she still gets the person I’d kill to relive certain moments with that were similar to my ex. This has brought up so much. I wish I’d never crossed paths with this individual. I can’t even focus at work dealing with patients. I took today off because of everything this has stirred up. I just can’t believe it meant nothing. 

[ShyViolet]

50 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

 I hate that now I feel so jealous of his fiancé even still. Even knowing she likely doesn’t know about me because at least she still gets the person I’d kill to relive certain moments with that were similar to my ex. 

WHY are you still saying stuff like this about the stranger you spent two days with, and why are you still drawing such strong connections between him and your ex??  This is super unhealthy and delusional.  This man you had a short lived fling with has nothing to do with your ex and is not a way for you to connect with your ex.  You seem to be repeating the same things over and over, rather than really taking in the good advice you're getting here.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

at least she still gets the person I’d kill to relive certain moments with that were similar to my ex.

Do you know how unfair this would be to him, though? 

This man is a chump, clearly, and you are well rid of him. But it would not be right for you to pursue something with someone who you are merely using a projection of your ex. That isn't right, and you shouldn't do that to anyone else. 

You are upset with him for using you (so to speak) to cheat on his fiancée, but you are essentially using him as replacment for another person. You might want to reflect on why you would give yourself a pass to do this. I am going to imagine you weren't transparent about that with him. I don't mean to be harsh, but your motives aren't exactly sincere either. 

 

Edited Wednesday at 06:44 PM by ExpatInItaly

[Anonymous]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

sincere

 

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you know how unfair this would be to him, though? 

This man is a chump, clearly, and you are well rid of him. But it would not be right for you to pursue something with someone who you are merely using a projection of your ex. That isn't right, and you shouldn't do that to anyone else. 

You are upset with him for using you (so to speak) to cheat on his fiancée, but you are essentially using him as replacment for another person. You might want to reflect on why you would give yourself a pass to do this. I am going to imagine you weren't transparent about that with him. I don't mean to be harsh, but your motives aren't exactly sincere either. 

 

Honestly i didn’t even draw the connection until after i left New York so that’s not true at all. 

[Anonymous]

35 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

WHY are you still saying stuff like this about the stranger you spent two days with, and why are you still drawing such strong connections between him and your ex??  This is super unhealthy and delusional.  This man you had a short lived fling with has nothing to do with your ex and is not a way for you to connect with your ex.  You seem to be repeating the same things over and over, rather than really taking in the good advice you're getting here.

There definitely more things I liked about him besides similarities in my ex. We all have traits we are drawn to. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

Honestly i didn’t even draw the connection until after i left New York so that’s not true at all. 

I dont agree. 

You see the connection now, and you blatantly said this: 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

because at least she still gets the person I’d kill to relive certain moments with that were similar to my ex.

[Anonymous]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I dont agree. 

You see the connection now, and you blatantly said this: 

That doesn’t mean anything to him Or her? Those are my feelings. Again I was replying to the post about transference. I was highly attracted to that person. It doesn’t matter why. I liked him a lot for him. Or at least the parts he showed me in a short time. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t know he had a pregnant SO.  I’m allowed to have my feelings and yes that includes feeling jealous of his girl for being with someone I do wish I could’ve experienced more and actually explored a connection with. All things he told me he wanted to do.