am I being delusional?

[Anonymous]

Hello, I’ll try to make this as short as possible but I’m a recently separated 31 year old female. Last week I took a trip with two of my best friends to NYC and met a 34 yo guy. How it happened kinda felt predestined. Yes I am spiritual but sometimes I don’t know if it’s just delusion.. essentially he approached me outside of a restaurant and the rest was “history,” we hit it off instantly and he was so kind to my friends who are both two gay men. He ended up coming back to our Airbnb that night, we talked, laughed with all three of us and at the end of the night I asked if he wanted to cuddle. We did end up being intimate following that. I really thought it would just be a one and done type thing. After all I don’t even live in New York but after sex he asked if he could see me again the next day and then proceeded to text me after leaving telling me how beautiful I am and how much of an amazing time he had etc… anyway the next day we did end up seeing each other again and tbh it was even better than the day before.
 

To preface this before he came over he did warn me that he could not stay long due to work starting at 6 AM for him the next day (he lived a hour away from our airbnb). However, this was where the red flag came up. After we talked on the couch for awhile he went to the bathroom and frantically came back out saying he needed to leave all of a sudden. It was very strange. After that I of course questioned the rush but he just replied with he had things to handle etc. we kissed before he left and one thing quickly led to another, we ended up being intimate again. Of note he did claim to be single.. however the first night we hung out I did see him ignoring a few phone calls… anyway after he left he texted me again saying he wishes he could’ve stayed and how he wants to have a full day with me etc and asked when I’d be back in NYC as it was my last night there. I didn’t respond.

 

Mostly because I was quite perturbed by his sudden need to exit (although again we did end up being intimate prior). I was confused as I was honest with him about my situation on why he would potentially be keeping a gf from me? Anyhow. After ignoring his texts he messaged me a 4th time asking how I was doing and I did ultimately reply. To me that was proof? Proof that maybe he felt more about me than a one night stand. Fast forward I’ve arrived back to my home town in Texas and I sent him a message saying how I do actually hope we see each other again etc for which he replied with “All in good timing, destiny will always provide would love that.”

 

I had expressed to him after that I had zero real expectations for our situation given my circumstances as someone separated but not fully divorced and his reply was “ Thank u love and u ok its all good what ever situation im honestly not trying to have anything to serious but u never kno how life goes just be you and you cant lose.” Anyway now I’m confused again. Is that his way of saying he wouldn’t have been interested in more any way? I don’t I’m sad because it felt so magical. Those two nights were so healing and Ive honestly never felt so intensely for someone I just met. I’m not sure how to move forward now. Ironically I will be in NYC again soon and he ofc wants to see me again but I’m not sure if it’s worth it. Since being back home he’s all I can think about. It’s even distracting me from work. I just need some advice….

[ShyViolet]

This guy is a stranger to you, and you know nothing about this guy.  You don't even know for sure if he's truly single.  And he point blank told you that he's "not looking for anything serious:"  There's really nothing to talk about here.... don't make more out of this than what it was.

[Anonymous]

22 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This guy is a stranger to you, and you know nothing about this guy.  You don't even know for sure if he's truly single.  And he point blank told you that he's "not looking for anything serious:"  There's really nothing to talk about here.... don't make more out of this than what it was.

He’s a party promoter. I guess maybe red flag that he was doing a bunch of cocaine when I met him  ugh 

[smackie9]

The minute I read "the next day and then proceeded to text me after leaving telling me how beautiful I am and how much of an amazing time he had etc…" tells me he's married, like right off the bat. And as for the coke....I worked in a night club through the 80's when coke was flowing in like the ocean at high tide. That $HIT is bad, and the people who did it (like my ex) is bad news. Gurl you keep this as a one and done. 

[Anonymous]

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The minute I read "the next day and then proceeded to text me after leaving telling me how beautiful I am and how much of an amazing time he had etc…" tells me he's married, like right off the bat. And as for the coke....I worked in a night club through the 80's when coke was flowing in like the ocean at high tide. That $HIT is bad, and the people who did it (like my ex) is bad news. Gurl you keep this as a one and done. 

He definitely has some kind of situation. The rushing out suddenly, ignoring phone calls etc. I won’t take this personal but I definitely felt some very strong chemistry. He kept saying if it’s “destiny” etc. Alas.  I didn’t respond to the last texts he sent me but some part of me hopes he comes back 

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

...as for the coke....I worked in a night club through the 80's when coke was flowing in like the ocean at high tide. That $HIT is bad, and the people who did it (like my ex) is bad news. Gurl you keep this as a one and done. 

I'm with Smackie on this. I'm old, reasonably worldly, and I've seen my fair share of drug use. There are plenty today that can take a person down, but still none as badly as coke.

You've already seen lousy behavior from this guy in only 2 days. Consider him worse than a walking red flag--he's a giant neon sign with a skull and crossbones on it.

Consider yourself lucky for dodging a bullet and move your focus forward.

Advice from my grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path; they will. The problem comes when you are too lonely or desperate to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

Your whole future can be sunk in a heartbeat if you involve yourself with this guy.

Think.

[Anonymous]

19 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I'm with Smackie on this. I'm old, reasonably worldly, and I've seen my fair share of drug use. There are plenty today that can take a person down, but still none as badly as coke.

You've already seen lousy behavior from this guy in only 2 days. Consider him worse than a walking red flag--he's a giant neon sign with a skull and crossbones on it.

Consider yourself lucky for dodging a bullet and move your focus forward.

Advice from my grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path; they will. The problem comes when you are too lonely or desperate to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

Your whole future can be sunk in a heartbeat if you involve yourself with this guy.

Think.

I don’t know. I also did so because it was offered. I don’t know how to move on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would argue that this wasn't healing for you, but distracting.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and it felt good to be desired by this guy. But given the emotional turmoil you're in now, over a man who's a virtual stranger, I can't see how this was healing. I don't have anything against casual sex, to be clear, but you need to be very careful not to let your emotions get carried away.

Because honestly? He sounds like your typical player who probably does this sort of thing a lot. He's too smooth to be a rookie at this. Please, for your own good, don't arbitrarily attach any more meaning to this. It was a fling at best. He has told you as much: 

9 hours ago, Anonymous said:

im honestly not trying to have anything to serious

Believe him. This was sex and some fun times while you were there, but it's not going to be more. My guess is that you are one of many women he texts like this. Don't waste more time or energy thinking about this man. 

[Anonymous]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would argue that this wasn't healing for you, but distracting.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and it felt good to be desired by this guy. But given the emotional turmoil you're in now, over a man who's a virtual stranger, I can't see how this was healing. I don't have anything against casual sex, to be clear, but you need to be very careful not to let your emotions get carried away.

Because honestly? He sounds like your typical player who probably does this sort of thing a lot. He's too smooth to be a rookie at this. Please, for your own good, don't arbitrarily attach any more meaning to this. It was a fling at best. He has told you as much: 

Believe him. This was sex and some fun times while you were there, but it's not going to be more. My guess is that you are one of many women he texts like this. Don't waste more time or energy thinking about this man. 

I think I instinctually knew this when I met him but his words sounded so sweet I got swept in. His parting words to me the first night we met were “___insert name here, you’re beautiful and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” How does one not get swept into that? I kept questioning if he meant it not because I don’t think I’m beautiful but because I wasn’t sure of his sincerity as in… does he say this to everyone? I think my gut knew the answer. He even made my gay friends feel so special. After all he’s an entertainer by trade/ party promoter. I truly was going to take it as just a hookup but then he kept telling me things like “I want to spend an entire day with you and explore/ go on adventures,” etc. inquiring about my future plans. It confused me. I’m able to detach but he made it feel like there was perhaps a potential for more. I didn’t respond to his last two texts to me. It just feels strange how someone can do all these things yet not mean it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

His parting words to me the first night we met were “___insert name here, you’re beautiful and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” How does one not get swept into that?

It's normal feel flattered, sure. But swept up? That's your emotional vulnerability talking. It's easy not to get swept into that when you're in an emotionaly-strong place. You don't know this person and would be well-advised to keep perspective in the future. You attached too much meaning to some random words from a stranger. It seems that your friends did, too,. 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

he kept telling me things like “I want to spend an entire day with you and explore/ go on adventures,” etc. inquiring about my future plans.

This is a lesson to take this sort of talk with a grain of salt. Sure, he might have been up for some more fun but that doesn't mean he wanted a commitment from you. 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

It just feels strange how someone can do all these things yet not mean it. 

You've been out of the dating game for a while, I assume, and haven't run into a player before. This guy has it written all over him, and it seems he knew exactly how to talk to you to get what he wanted. Men like him are a dime a dozen. You will now be better-equipped to avoid them in the future. 

[swirlingcloud]

If I could say something it would be that please look at his actions, not his words. Anyone can tell you those things. There are those who mean it and those who play with words. He most likely saw a vulnerability in you, gave you a treat, a little of what you wish for, and the rest of it is that you need so much of your dream, your vision to come true, that you are now too attached to this dream image. You can still have the dream. Not just with him. Separate your own vulnerability, your own dream from who this guy really is and what really happened. You will see more clearly then and you will have an easier time moving on. It is not him that holds you "trapped" from moving on, it's you, meaning you too have the tools to set yourself free. My ex was a big talker too. Doesn't mean anything. Look at his actions. Look at his choices. He is manipulating you with words and him playing with words the way he does. 

[Anonymous]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's normal feel flattered, sure. But swept up? That's your emotional vulnerability talking. It's easy not to get swept into that when you're in an emotionaly-strong place. You don't know this person and would be well-advised to keep perspective in the future. You attached too much meaning to some random words from a stranger. It seems that your friends did, too,. 

This is a lesson to take this sort of talk with a grain of salt. Sure, he might have been up for some more fun but that doesn't mean he wanted a commitment from you. 

You've been out of the dating game for a while, I assume, and haven't run into a player before. This guy has it written all over him, and it seems he knew exactly how to talk to you to get what he wanted. Men like him are a dime a dozen. You will now be better-equipped to avoid them in the future. 

To be fair I was the first person to tell him I didn’t want anything serious at this time as someone newly separated. I guess I just didn’t completely rule out the possibility and wanted it to be something he wanted to at least continue to explore. I did notice the first night he said something and then the next day it wasn’t actually followed up on. 
 

He definitely did. Honestly he was so overly complimenting from the very beginning. I mean he was also outright doing illicit drugs the moment I met him. So charasmatic though. Now what hurts most is accepting I was led astray. He seemed genuine when he told me I was beautiful.  

[Anonymous]

25 minutes ago, swirlingcloud said:

If I could say something it would be that please look at his actions, not his words. Anyone can tell you those things. There are those who mean it and those who play with words. He most likely saw a vulnerability in you, gave you a treat, a little of what you wish for, and the rest of it is that you need so much of your dream, your vision to come true, that you are now too attached to this dream image. You can still have the dream. Not just with him. Separate your own vulnerability, your own dream from who this guy really is and what really happened. You will see more clearly then and you will have an easier time moving on. It is not him that holds you "trapped" from moving on, it's you, meaning you too have the tools to set yourself free. My ex was a big talker too. Doesn't mean anything. Look at his actions. Look at his choices. He is manipulating you with words and him playing with words the way he does. 

You’re right. I do think I was attached more to the feelings he gave me than him. I don’t even truly know him well. He was so complimentary. It was over the top. I don’t know how I got sucked in. 
i should block him