am I being delusional?

June 27

Hello, I’ll try to make this as short as possible but I’m a recently separated 31 year old female. Last week I took a trip with two of my best friends to NYC and met a 34 yo guy. How it happened kinda felt predestined. Yes I am spiritual but sometimes I don’t know if it’s just delusion.. essentially he approached me outside of a restaurant and the rest was “history,” we hit it off instantly and he was so kind to my friends who are both two gay men. He ended up coming back to our Airbnb that night, we talked, laughed with all three of us and at the end of the night I asked if he wanted to cuddle. We did end up being intimate following that. I really thought it would just be a one and done type thing. After all I don’t even live in New York but after sex he asked if he could see me again the next day and then proceeded to text me after leaving telling me how beautiful I am and how much of an amazing time he had etc… anyway the next day we did end up seeing each other again and tbh it was even better than the day before.

To preface this before he came over he did warn me that he could not stay long due to work starting at 6 AM for him the next day (he lived a hour away from our airbnb). However, this was where the red flag came up. After we talked on the couch for awhile he went to the bathroom and frantically came back out saying he needed to leave all of a sudden. It was very strange. After that I of course questioned the rush but he just replied with he had things to handle etc. we kissed before he left and one thing quickly led to another, we ended up being intimate again. Of note he did claim to be single.. however the first night we hung out I did see him ignoring a few phone calls… anyway after he left he texted me again saying he wishes he could’ve stayed and how he wants to have a full day with me etc and asked when I’d be back in NYC as it was my last night there. I didn’t respond.

Mostly because I was quite perturbed by his sudden need to exit (although again we did end up being intimate prior). I was confused as I was honest with him about my situation on why he would potentially be keeping a gf from me? Anyhow. After ignoring his texts he messaged me a 4th time asking how I was doing and I did ultimately reply. To me that was proof? Proof that maybe he felt more about me than a one night stand. Fast forward I’ve arrived back to my home town in Texas and I sent him a message saying how I do actually hope we see each other again etc for which he replied with “All in good timing, destiny will always provide would love that.”

I had expressed to him after that I had zero real expectations for our situation given my circumstances as someone separated but not fully divorced and his reply was “ Thank u love and u ok its all good what ever situation im honestly not trying to have anything to serious but u never kno how life goes just be you and you cant lose.” Anyway now I’m confused again. Is that his way of saying he wouldn’t have been interested in more any way? I don’t I’m sad because it felt so magical. Those two nights were so healing and Ive honestly never felt so intensely for someone I just met. I’m not sure how to move forward now. Ironically I will be in NYC again soon and he ofc wants to see me again but I’m not sure if it’s worth it. Since being back home he’s all I can think about. It’s even distracting me from work. I just need some advice….

June 27

This guy is a stranger to you, and you know nothing about this guy. You don't even know for sure if he's truly single. And he point blank told you that he's "not looking for anything serious:" There's really nothing to talk about here.... don't make more out of this than what it was.

June 27

22 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This guy is a stranger to you, and you know nothing about this guy. You don't even know for sure if he's truly single. And he point blank told you that he's "not looking for anything serious:" There's really nothing to talk about here.... don't make more out of this than what it was.

He’s a party promoter. I guess maybe red flag that he was doing a bunch of cocaine when I met him ugh

June 27

The minute I read "the next day and then proceeded to text me after leaving telling me how beautiful I am and how much of an amazing time he had etc…" tells me he's married, like right off the bat. And as for the coke....I worked in a night club through the 80's when coke was flowing in like the ocean at high tide. That $HIT is bad, and the people who did it (like my ex) is bad news. Gurl you keep this as a one and done.

June 27

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The minute I read "the next day and then proceeded to text me after leaving telling me how beautiful I am and how much of an amazing time he had etc…" tells me he's married, like right off the bat. And as for the coke....I worked in a night club through the 80's when coke was flowing in like the ocean at high tide. That $HIT is bad, and the people who did it (like my ex) is bad news. Gurl you keep this as a one and done.

He definitely has some kind of situation. The rushing out suddenly, ignoring phone calls etc. I won’t take this personal but I definitely felt some very strong chemistry. He kept saying if it’s “destiny” etc. Alas. I didn’t respond to the last texts he sent me but some part of me hopes he comes back

June 28

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

...as for the coke....I worked in a night club through the 80's when coke was flowing in like the ocean at high tide. That $HIT is bad, and the people who did it (like my ex) is bad news. Gurl you keep this as a one and done.

I'm with Smackie on this. I'm old, reasonably worldly, and I've seen my fair share of drug use. There are plenty today that can take a person down, but still none as badly as coke.

You've already seen lousy behavior from this guy in only 2 days. Consider him worse than a walking red flag--he's a giant neon sign with a skull and crossbones on it.

Consider yourself lucky for dodging a bullet and move your focus forward.

Advice from my grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path; they will. The problem comes when you are too lonely or desperate to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

Your whole future can be sunk in a heartbeat if you involve yourself with this guy.

Think.

June 28

19 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I'm with Smackie on this. I'm old, reasonably worldly, and I've seen my fair share of drug use. There are plenty today that can take a person down, but still none as badly as coke.

You've already seen lousy behavior from this guy in only 2 days. Consider him worse than a walking red flag--he's a giant neon sign with a skull and crossbones on it.

Consider yourself lucky for dodging a bullet and move your focus forward.

Advice from my grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path; they will. The problem comes when you are too lonely or desperate to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

Your whole future can be sunk in a heartbeat if you involve yourself with this guy.

Think.

I don’t know. I also did so because it was offered. I don’t know how to move on.

June 28

I would argue that this wasn't healing for you, but distracting.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and it felt good to be desired by this guy. But given the emotional turmoil you're in now, over a man who's a virtual stranger, I can't see how this was healing. I don't have anything against casual sex, to be clear, but you need to be very careful not to let your emotions get carried away.

Because honestly? He sounds like your typical player who probably does this sort of thing a lot. He's too smooth to be a rookie at this. Please, for your own good, don't arbitrarily attach any more meaning to this. It was a fling at best. He has told you as much:

9 hours ago, Anonymous said:

im honestly not trying to have anything to serious

Believe him. This was sex and some fun times while you were there, but it's not going to be more. My guess is that you are one of many women he texts like this. Don't waste more time or energy thinking about this man.

June 28

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would argue that this wasn't healing for you, but distracting.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and it felt good to be desired by this guy. But given the emotional turmoil you're in now, over a man who's a virtual stranger, I can't see how this was healing. I don't have anything against casual sex, to be clear, but you need to be very careful not to let your emotions get carried away.

Because honestly? He sounds like your typical player who probably does this sort of thing a lot. He's too smooth to be a rookie at this. Please, for your own good, don't arbitrarily attach any more meaning to this. It was a fling at best. He has told you as much:

Believe him. This was sex and some fun times while you were there, but it's not going to be more. My guess is that you are one of many women he texts like this. Don't waste more time or energy thinking about this man.

I think I instinctually knew this when I met him but his words sounded so sweet I got swept in. His parting words to me the first night we met were “___insert name here, you’re beautiful and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” How does one not get swept into that? I kept questioning if he meant it not because I don’t think I’m beautiful but because I wasn’t sure of his sincerity as in… does he say this to everyone? I think my gut knew the answer. He even made my gay friends feel so special. After all he’s an entertainer by trade/ party promoter. I truly was going to take it as just a hookup but then he kept telling me things like “I want to spend an entire day with you and explore/ go on adventures,” etc. inquiring about my future plans. It confused me. I’m able to detach but he made it feel like there was perhaps a potential for more. I didn’t respond to his last two texts to me. It just feels strange how someone can do all these things yet not mean it.

June 28

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

His parting words to me the first night we met were “___insert name here, you’re beautiful and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” How does one not get swept into that?

It's normal feel flattered, sure. But swept up? That's your emotional vulnerability talking. It's easy not to get swept into that when you're in an emotionaly-strong place. You don't know this person and would be well-advised to keep perspective in the future. You attached too much meaning to some random words from a stranger. It seems that your friends did, too,.

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

he kept telling me things like “I want to spend an entire day with you and explore/ go on adventures,” etc. inquiring about my future plans.

This is a lesson to take this sort of talk with a grain of salt. Sure, he might have been up for some more fun but that doesn't mean he wanted a commitment from you.

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

It just feels strange how someone can do all these things yet not mean it.

You've been out of the dating game for a while, I assume, and haven't run into a player before. This guy has it written all over him, and it seems he knew exactly how to talk to you to get what he wanted. Men like him are a dime a dozen. You will now be better-equipped to avoid them in the future.

June 28

If I could say something it would be that please look at his actions, not his words. Anyone can tell you those things. There are those who mean it and those who play with words. He most likely saw a vulnerability in you, gave you a treat, a little of what you wish for, and the rest of it is that you need so much of your dream, your vision to come true, that you are now too attached to this dream image. You can still have the dream. Not just with him. Separate your own vulnerability, your own dream from who this guy really is and what really happened. You will see more clearly then and you will have an easier time moving on. It is not him that holds you "trapped" from moving on, it's you, meaning you too have the tools to set yourself free. My ex was a big talker too. Doesn't mean anything. Look at his actions. Look at his choices. He is manipulating you with words and him playing with words the way he does.

June 28

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's normal feel flattered, sure. But swept up? That's your emotional vulnerability talking. It's easy not to get swept into that when you're in an emotionaly-strong place. You don't know this person and would be well-advised to keep perspective in the future. You attached too much meaning to some random words from a stranger. It seems that your friends did, too,.

This is a lesson to take this sort of talk with a grain of salt. Sure, he might have been up for some more fun but that doesn't mean he wanted a commitment from you.

You've been out of the dating game for a while, I assume, and haven't run into a player before. This guy has it written all over him, and it seems he knew exactly how to talk to you to get what he wanted. Men like him are a dime a dozen. You will now be better-equipped to avoid them in the future.

To be fair I was the first person to tell him I didn’t want anything serious at this time as someone newly separated. I guess I just didn’t completely rule out the possibility and wanted it to be something he wanted to at least continue to explore. I did notice the first night he said something and then the next day it wasn’t actually followed up on.

He definitely did. Honestly he was so overly complimenting from the very beginning. I mean he was also outright doing illicit drugs the moment I met him. So charasmatic though. Now what hurts most is accepting I was led astray. He seemed genuine when he told me I was beautiful.

June 28

25 minutes ago, swirlingcloud said:

If I could say something it would be that please look at his actions, not his words. Anyone can tell you those things. There are those who mean it and those who play with words. He most likely saw a vulnerability in you, gave you a treat, a little of what you wish for, and the rest of it is that you need so much of your dream, your vision to come true, that you are now too attached to this dream image. You can still have the dream. Not just with him. Separate your own vulnerability, your own dream from who this guy really is and what really happened. You will see more clearly then and you will have an easier time moving on. It is not him that holds you "trapped" from moving on, it's you, meaning you too have the tools to set yourself free. My ex was a big talker too. Doesn't mean anything. Look at his actions. Look at his choices. He is manipulating you with words and him playing with words the way he does.

You’re right. I do think I was attached more to the feelings he gave me than him. I don’t even truly know him well. He was so complimentary. It was over the top. I don’t know how I got sucked in.
i should block him

June 28

It sounds like you had a special connection, but this guy seems unsure about what he wants and maybe a bit guarded. My advice would be to protect your heart and set clear boundaries if you see him again. Enjoy the moments but don’t lose sight of what you need emotionally. Watch his actions closely, if he keeps sending mixed signals, it might be best to keep your distance. You deserve someone who’s fully present for you.

June 28

You have created a fantasy here and he was more than willing to participate in your fantasy - until her wasn’t. Something is very off here in terms of his behavior and your decision making… this man is a stranger and you somehow convinced yourself that he is your “destiny.” You don’t even know if he’s single and he’s doing cocaine - if this is your “destiny,” I feel sorry for you…

June 28

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

You’re right. I do think I was attached more to the feelings he gave me than him. I don’t even truly know him well. He was so complimentary. It was over the top. I don’t know how I got sucked in.
i should block him

You may not be aware at this point what it was that made you react this way, but hopefully it will come to you with some thought digging. Saw that you wrote you are into spirituality, could it be a void, need steaming, perhaps? I'm noone to judge. Only speculating.

As for me what made me pair up with the talking ex was more than one thing. Guilt from standing him up for so long. Fear of no longer being part of the group of friends and community. What they would think of me for me keeping on rejecting him. Me blaming myself for being wrong about him and me ignoring, pushing down my instinct, my gut, not liking him. The athmosphere of me thinking I too should marry young and have babies (and be cooped up while he would have all the freedom in the world). He got me when I was at my most troubled self, stressad out, doing everything and more. When I was in real need of love and support. During the relationship he was still using the quilt card on me and I was letting it be used too, me being used to his jealousy, used to tip toing. It was anything but love that was the driven force behind our connection. I had to work on me and realize these things. I was bad News for him too, what gave him energy in life stole mine. I found nothing about what our life would look like appealing as I was by then realistic about what kind of married couple we would be, what kind of dad he would be. I broke out and he and our group tried to still use my own fear, quilt to get me back. I was Lucky to have a family to stand by me. Push me to continue on the path I was on to get a further education and not only get married and have babies early, as every one else around me did. I know they had good relationships. Marriages. But he and I did not. It would never be like the others. I learned too not to deny myself, to be honest about what steals my energy instead of me pretending I was like him. He needed someone like him. That part was noone's fault.

If you can be realistic about it what do you think your potential future with him would be like? Differentiate against dream and reality. I know I did us both a huge favor.

Edited June 28 by swirlingcloud

June 28

6 hours ago, Serene Whisper said:

It sounds like you had a special connection, but this guy seems unsure about what he wants and maybe a bit guarded. My advice would be to protect your heart and set clear boundaries if you see him again. Enjoy the moments but don’t lose sight of what you need emotionally. Watch his actions closely, if he keeps sending mixed signals, it might be best to keep your distance. You deserve someone who’s fully present for you.

Thank you for acknowledging this. I’ve had one night stands before, I’ve hooked up with players and I’m very able to detach but this felt different. I even mentally prepared to never speak to him again, ignored a couple of his texts the next day when he reached out about wanting to “spend a full day with me and actually go out and do things next time around,” and he still came back. I don’t know. Time will tell. I didn’t reply to his last message. If this was truly nothing at all I’ll know in due time I guess. I just haven’t ever had something like this hurt in the same way. It feels like serious heart break.

June 28

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You have created a fantasy here and he was more than willing to participate in your fantasy - until her wasn’t. Something is very off here in terms of his behavior and your decision making… this man is a stranger and you somehow convinced yourself that he is your “destiny.” You don’t even know if he’s single and he’s doing cocaine - if this is your “destiny,” I feel sorry for you…

This wasn’t easy to read but maybe something I needed to hear most. I just haven’t ever felt this way after a fleeting event before and trust me I’ve def had my fair share of hookups. He could’ve just left me alone afterward instead of asking to continue hanging out and “spending a full day with me and actually do activities.” Most guys after hookups it’s so apparent to them that’s all it was but with him it was different. He didn’t just go away and always contacted me even immediately after. It’s confusing even if it meant nothing and I feel upset about it so I came here for advice. Sucks.

June 28

36 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I feel upset about it so I came here for advice. Sucks.

I know, and I’m sorry that it sucks. You are obviously looking for something that not only feels good in the moment but might actually bring some lasting happiness… I would kindly suggest that you need to make your decisions accordingly. We tend to get what we expect/are willing to accept in life. Hook-ups have their place but not if you are looking for someone who is a true and lasting partner. If you want more, I’m afraid that you are going to have to. raise your standards. Hopk-ups with strangers are likely to bring men into your life who are either going to use you for sex and disappear without much more than a thank you or men who flatter and stroke your ego (which may feel really good - like this guy) while they use you for sex and continue on with their lives… If you want more for yourself, you will need to set higher expectations.

Dating is the process of getting to know someone, observing their behavior, and deciding if they have good character, if their values align with your values and goals, etc… You jumped ahead here - both in terms of physical intimacy (which is fine, casual sex has its place - I’m not judging your decision to have sex with the man)… and with your expectations. Slow your roll, take the time to get to know a man and actually assess whether he will be a good partner to you before you start thinking about a relationship and you will have a much better outcome -

Edited June 28 by BaileyB

June 28

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

It feels like serious heart break.

It's concerning that you would think of this as serious heartbreak.... you spent a couple days with a stranger, you really know nothing about him, and his behavior was full of red flags which you didn't seem to really pay attention to. You really need to have your guard up more.

This guy sounds like a total sleaze bag and a player. FYI native new yorkers typically don't want anything to do with tourists or come up to them randomly like this, it all sounds very weird and like he was just using you. You really need to use better judgment in the future.

June 28

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It's concerning that you would think of this as serious heartbreak.... you spent a couple days with a stranger, you really know nothing about him, and his behavior was full of red flags which you didn't seem to really pay attention to. You really need to have your guard up more.

This guy sounds like a total sleaze bag and a player. FYI native new yorkers typically don't want anything to do with tourists or come up to them randomly like this, it all sounds very weird and like he was just using you. You really need to use better judgment in the future.

I’m not sure that anything in life is black and white… he came up to me when he saw me asking the bar security guard about their hours etc because I planned to bring my friends. He helped out but then it was like we couldn’t just leave each others side after. Kinda an instant connection. He’s a party promoter. Travels to places like Miami LA and Las Vegas all the time. I’m sure meets plenty of women of course so ya still my fault for not seeing it as what it was I guess. But I just keep saying this. I am no rookie. I have had many many hookups. This felt different. Either way I’ll get over it. Like I said I actually stopped responding to his texts Thursday. He watches my stories. That’s it.

June 28

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I know, and I’m sorry that it sucks. You are obviously looking for something that not only feels good in the moment but might actually bring some lasting happiness… I would kindly suggest that you need to make your decisions accordingly. We tend to get what we expect/are willing to accept in life. Hook-ups have their place but not if you are looking for someone who is a true and lasting partner. If you want more, I’m afraid that you are going to have to. raise your standards. Hopk-ups with strangers are likely to bring men into your life who are either going to use you for sex and disappear without much more than a thank you or men who flatter and stroke your ego (which may feel really good - like this guy) while they use you for sex and continue on with their lives… If you want more for yourself, you will need to set higher expectations.

Dating is the process of getting to know someone, observing their behavior, and deciding if they have good character, if their values align with your values and goals, etc… You jumped ahead here - both in terms of physical intimacy (which is fine, casual sex has its place - I’m not judging your decision to have sex with the man)… and with your expectations. Slow your roll, take the time to get to know a man and actually assess whether he will be a good partner to you before you start thinking about a relationship and you will have a much better outcome -

You’re so right. I’ve just had hookups turn to real relationships before so I never discount the possibility of anything. Anyway I appreciate everyone. I’ll move on.

June 28

12 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Now what hurts most is accepting I was led astray. He seemed genuine when he told me I was beautiful.

He might have been sincere in saying you're beautiful, and still not want anything more with you. I don't quite understand why you feel you were led astray. He didn't promise you anything. He could have meant what he said about your looks and still have been fine tucking this away as a fun memory.

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

. He could’ve just left me alone afterward instead of asking to continue hanging out and “spending a full day with me and actually do activities.”

I'm a woman with my fair share of hook-ups under my belt too. I have also had a couple fun holiday flings. I can tell you I have spent full days with some of them and done other fun activities without any intention of turning it into a relationship. I think you are assigning far too much importance on this point. I get that for some people this feels very relationship-y, but for others (like msyelf) it can also be just a fun time while it lasts and when the opportunity arises. It sounds like he would be fine seeing you again if the chance came up but he's making it clear not to expect more. That's all.

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just haven’t ever had something like this hurt in the same way. It feels like serious heart break.

How recently-separated are you? How did that end? Sometimes when we're in a bad place, even men like this can seem amazing because it feels like salve on an open wound. Only the salve wears off, and sometimes it really stings because the wound is just too fresh to take it.

12 hours ago, Anonymous said:

. I don’t even truly know him well

Yes, do remember this. You are idealizing a virual stranger. For all you know, he's not even single.He could easily have a wife or girlfriend, or three other women in his roster whom he messages and flatters the same way he did with you. I know men like this. When one doesn't answer, they're off to the next. The fact that he came on strongly suggests that ain't his first rodeo at all. He knows what he's doing. And you have no clue who else who may be doing it with, or who he goes home to at night.

June 28

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He might have been sincere in saying you're beautiful, and still not want anything more with you. I don't quite understand why you feel you were led astray. He didn't promise you anything. He could have meant what he said about your looks and still have been fine tucking this away as a fun memory.

I'm a woman with my fair share of hook-ups under my belt too. I have also had a couple fun holiday flings. I can tell you I have spent full days with some of them and done other fun activities without any intention of turning it into a relationship. I think you are assigning far too much importance on this point. I get that for some people this feels very relationship-y, but for others (like msyelf) it can also be just a fun time while it lasts and when the opportunity arises. It sounds like he would be fine seeing you again if the chance came up but he's making it clear not to expect more. That's all.

How recently-separated are you? How did that end? Sometimes when we're in a bad place, even men like this can seem amazing because it feels like salve on an open wound. Only the salve wears off, and sometimes it really stings because the wound is just too fresh to take it.

Yes, do remember this. You are idealizing a virual stranger. For all you know, he's not even single.He could easily have a wife or girlfriend, or three other women in his roster whom he messages and flatters the same way he did with you. I know men like this. When one doesn't answer, they're off to the next. The fact that he came on strongly suggests that ain't his first rodeo at all. He knows what he's doing. And you have no clue who else who may be doing it with, or who he goes home to at night.

Me: i still have zero expectations esp w current situation just wish i could tell you more but anyway i won’t keep you. hope you have a great day/ week etc.

his response: Thank u love and u ok its all good what ever situation im honestly not trying to have anything to serious but u never kno how life goes just be you and you cant lose

those were the texts sent. I felt like me sending that initially was to let him know I didn’t want anything serious at this time either but I just wanted more than anything to hear or feel wanted despite. I am less than 3 months separated I know I’m not ready for anything. I had to chalk it up to just being a throw away when it’s not like I asked him for more ?

June 28

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

his response: Thank u love and u ok its all good what ever situation im honestly not trying to have anything to serious but u never kno how life goes just be you and you cant lose

This run on sentence makes little sense and offers nothing of any value.

You were trying to play it cool by telling him that you were not looking for anything serious even though you are clearly feeling something for the man and his response was essentially - “sounds good to me. I’m not looking for anything serious but you never know how life goes…” That’s the equivalent of “maybe I’ll see you around sometime…” a social nicety that is not a commitment in any way.

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you are assigning far too much importance on this point.

I totally agree with this point.

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