Should I reach out?

[Stargazer01]

My boyfriend and I dated for 6 months. We have been having some trouble lately. He shuts down when I try and address something with him. He ignores me and I feel completely dismissed. Then he just moves on like nothing and I’m left with all these feelings. So I try and bring it up again and he’ll blow up ignore me move on and again I’m left feeling ignored. 
Our problems, or what I complain about are my boundaries. He’s 58 and I’m 42. We are hikers, and he follows a lot of sexy female hikers on instagram. Not fat ones, sexy ones. About my age. He literally likes every-single photo on their profile. Cleavage, sexy poses. I told him I didn’t like this and he said it’s just instagram. That I shouldn’t care. And I asked if the tables were turned…he said he wouldn’t care cause it’s just social media. Well I just found out that he also dm’s them and starts conversations with them about trails. I feel like he’s fishing. That’s how him and I started talking. This is a big sensitive subject for us. He does not like being told anything. He gets defensive and somehow turns it all around on me and makes me feel controlling and insecure. He also wanted to go backpacking alone with a friend who is a woman for 4 nights. Just them two alone. I told him I want comfortable with that. He agreed he wouldn’t go, but he said that sucks. And he had asked me how did I get so insecure. Anyway. He’s great to me besides this. He cooks for me, runs my bath. Always has my fav beer stocked. A lots of acts of service but I feel “not felt”. I complained last week about another post he liked of a woman in really short shorts. He broke up with me saying I’m petty and he can’t do this anymore. I begged, pleaded and he have me another chance. I told him if he broke up with me  again I could not beg or plead anymore. I would accept it.
Anyway, my bday was a couple weeks ago. He took me away to the mountains for the weekend. He spent about $800.00 for the air bnb and took me out to dinner. During the week, on My actual bday he did not post a story of me congratulating me. He is always on instagram. The next morning I texted him that I felt hurt and that it would have meant a lot to me since he’s always on instagram. As soon as he wakes up on his breaks during dinner. Always on. I was met with anger and he said seems I can’t do anything right. And instead of talking to me about this, he broke up with me over text saying it’s better for us to move on. I held true to my word and said okay. But I was shocked. He was leaving the following day up north on vacation with his nephew for two weeks. About day 6 I texted him asking for clarity. He broke up with me impulsively and I wanted to know if he meant what he said. He said he was on vacation and he would get back to me when he got home. So basically he has no time for me. Not even a minute. I feel so dismissed. I texted him again asking how he could treat me like I meant. Thing to him. No response. What do I do now? I need to let go but how can he just move on like nothing? 
a little bit of his personality that I’ve seen… he has road rage. Flipped off strangers, slams steering wheel. I’ve hear customer service say he was speaking to them in a threatening manner. He was walking his dog once and on the phone and didn’t see someone on the crosswalk walking towards him. The person told him to move and he told them you can’t tell me what to Effin do. I’ve seen times where I try to address something with him and he gets mad. It’s like I can’t say anything to him. I feel like he sees it as me criticizing him. Once during an argument, where I was already crying and vulnerable, he said to me and by the way I’ve never told you but I have no desire to get married again. I just sat there shocked. Like he just dished this information out when he already saw me in a vulnerable state and had no compassion for me. Why do I tolerate this behavior? I’m so heartbroken over being thrown away like I meant nothing to him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I really can't fathom why you want this person in your life, but I am going to guess you don't have very good self-esteem.

This man has showed you again and again that he is not right for you. It's time you started believing it. You have a long list of very valid concerns about this person, yet you complain as though you are waiting for him to suddenly care and change his behaviour. It's not going to happen. You two are not a match and you need to let go. 

What have your previous relationships been like? Do you have a history of choosing and hanging on to men who don't care much about you? 

[Stargazer01]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I really can't fathom why you want this person in your life, but I am going to guess you don't have very good self-esteem.

This man has showed you again and again that he is not right for you. It's time you started believing it. You have a long list of very valid concerns about this person, yet you complain as though you are waiting for him to suddenly care and change his behaviour. It's not going to happen. You two are not a match and you need to let go. 

What have your previous relationships been like? Do you have a history of choosing and hanging on to men who don't care much about you? 

Yes I do have a history of dating the same person. It’s like in amt set boundaries and intention change them. And it just makes things worse. 

[ExpatInItaly]

A relationship - especially in its early stages - should not be about trying to change someone so they love you the way you want to be loved. 

There's room for communnication and compromise, of course. But when it turns into a long list of complaints and it's more about how the person hurts you than anything else, you're in the wrong relationship. At some point, we need to take accountability for our own choice to stay when we're miserable. Hanging around and getting upset and crying won't change anything when the other person just does not care that much. 

1 hour ago, Stargazer01 said:

a little bit of his personality that I’ve seen… he has road rage. Flipped off strangers, slams steering wheel. I’ve hear customer service say he was speaking to them in a threatening manner. He was walking his dog once and on the phone and didn’t see someone on the crosswalk walking towards him. The person told him to move and he told them you can’t tell me what to Effin do.

What is your point? I mean that sincerely. You present us this crappy picture of him (and I agree, this is terrible behaviour)...and yet you want to be with him. What can we really say when you observe bad behaviour and chose to be with him anyway? Are you hoping we will confirm for you that you need to get away from him, or? 

 

[swirlingcloud]

Be happy it's over now. Red flags are how he gets with his temper, conflicts, with you and anyone else, I would be afraid of this guy, that he is into other women on Instagram and reaches out to them like he did you, lack of respect and giving you true reason to get jealous and then blaming you for your insecurity, gaslihhtening, his obsessesion with Instagram on a total tells me he is an extrovert who seek attention and connection with strangers, these other women. I feel as if you have been very much so gaslighted.  Could be you got the Cassandra syndrome too. 

I have been responding as if I was gaslighted too before, and the Cassandra, only my husband, we discovered along the way, has autism so he did not mean to cause this (it does not help that I'm sensitive on my own) lways reacted faster, more emotionally, or got irritated faster, always at first defensive at criticm, would take off. But not before making sure I was safe where I was at, always him needing to know where I was at, he had difficulty seeing my reality, perspective, part of him not seeing the signs I did. He is really bright so before I never got why he got this way. But always, always his heart was so into it that I couldn't deny it. He would be devestaded, heartbroken, in despair to work it out, following his initial defense ways. He would go away to calm down.He would make sure I knew that. That he was not leaving me as in ending things or him cheating while away. He was constantly ready and using his cellphone to get in touch with me. Intense. I do not see that in your boyfriend. My husband could few times not recognize I was vulnerable, hurt, and would be mad instead thinking only I was angry at him. The minute he caught me having tears in my eyes his eyes dwelled up too and he recognized that I was vulnerable. By then he did not care what he thought was right or wrong by him, his standard. He would never say a bad Word to me by then. He only wanted to comfort me. I am describing these things to you so that you can tell a difference between ill willed behavoir and not intentionally. Yours come off as ill willed. Considering his age, I presume divorce, and ill willed behavoir towards you I would not if I were you fight for this man. You can't fully see this now if you have been under this great mental stress caused by this relationship but it will come to you once you move past it. It has only been six mounths and look how efficient he has been to tear you down. I too, and my husband too, like to travel and explore. No chance we would go on Instagram and start to like others and  of us starting to communicate with the opposite sex the way he has. If my husband did that I would leave. This should be about the two of you, of him treasuring his time, explorations, travels with you. You time. We do not have a relationship with the opposite sex like that, for him to go away like that for 4 days with this stranger for a woman would never be OK. You should not have to inform him on these things. He should know them and chose not to participate by his own free will, looking out for you and making sure you feel safe and loved by him. I know jealousy well and I am telling you that your jealousy kind is legit and a clear sign of mental abuse. 

You will get out of this state you are in right now, percivere, get help if you need to, put yourself first. You will see things clearly and not suffer no more, no confusion no more. You will get through this. If I were you. For your own sake please don't run after this man. Save yourself. He puts himself first. So should you. Do not let him manipulate and don't get confused, used yourself with the quilt, fear of abondon. That gets to be a toxic cocktail for your brain to cope with. Please, look out for yourself.

[Stargazer01]

23 minutes ago, swirlingcloud said:

Be happy it's over now. Red flags are how he gets with his temper, conflicts, with you and anyone else, I would be afraid of this guy, that he is into other women on Instagram and reaches out to them like he did you, lack of respect and giving you true reason to get jealous and then blaming you for your insecurity, gaslihhtening, his obsessesion with Instagram on a total tells me he is an extrovert who seek attention and connection with strangers, these other women. I feel as if you have been very much so gaslighted.  Could be you got the Cassandra syndrome too. 

I have been responding as if I was gaslighted too before, and the Cassandra, only my husband, we discovered along the way, has autism so he did not mean to cause this (it does not help that I'm sensitive on my own) lways reacted faster, more emotionally, or got irritated faster, always at first defensive at criticm, would take off. But not before making sure I was safe where I was at, always him needing to know where I was at, he had difficulty seeing my reality, perspective, part of him not seeing the signs I did. He is really bright so before I never got why he got this way. But always, always his heart was so into it that I couldn't deny it. He would be devestaded, heartbroken, in despair to work it out, following his initial defense ways. He would go away to calm down.He would make sure I knew that. That he was not leaving me as in ending things or him cheating while away. He was constantly ready and using his cellphone to get in touch with me. Intense. I do not see that in your boyfriend. My husband could few times not recognize I was vulnerable, hurt, and would be mad instead thinking only I was angry at him. The minute he caught me having tears in my eyes his eyes dwelled up too and he recognized that I was vulnerable. By then he did not care what he thought was right or wrong by him, his standard. He would never say a bad Word to me by then. He only wanted to comfort me. I am describing these things to you so that you can tell a difference between ill willed behavoir and not intentionally. Yours come off as ill willed. Considering his age, I presume divorce, and ill willed behavoir towards you I would not if I were you fight for this man. You can't fully see this now if you have been under this great mental stress caused by this relationship but it will come to you once you move past it. It has only been six mounths and look how efficient he has been to tear you down. I too, and my husband too, like to travel and explore. No chance we would go on Instagram and start to like others and  of us starting to communicate with the opposite sex the way he has. If my husband did that I would leave. This should be about the two of you, of him treasuring his time, explorations, travels with you. You time. We do not have a relationship with the opposite sex like that, for him to go away like that for 4 days with this stranger for a woman would never be OK. You should not have to inform him on these things. He should know them and chose not to participate by his own free will, looking out for you and making sure you feel safe and loved by him. I know jealousy well and I am telling you that your jealousy kind is legit and a clear sign of mental abuse. 

You will get out of this state you are in right now, percivere, get help if you need to, put yourself first. You will see things clearly and not suffer no more, no confusion no more. You will get through this. If I were you. For your own sake please don't run after this man. Save yourself. He puts himself first. So should you. Do not let him manipulate and don't get confused, used yourself with the quilt, fear of abondon. That gets to be a toxic cocktail for your brain to cope with. Please, look out for yourself.

Thank you so much for your insight! You are right. Thank you for validating me and not making me feel crazy. 

[swirlingcloud]

10 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

Thank you so much for your insight! You are right. Thank you for validating me and not making me feel crazy. 

No problem, you're welcome. This man has difficulties in general with himself to be and contribute to a healthy and loving relationship. I know about the whole "hook up" to some things that rewards the brain. How that works. But he is acting single when he goes on Instagram and likes these other women. He is showing others on there too and possibly beyond as word spread just that. So it is a mix of him doing that. Him thinking it is his right, his business, and your only choice is to accept that. It is sending signs to others how he validates his relationship with you. It is about him hunting and letting in what he should not. It is not just innocent on Instagram and not in the real world. It is very much real. You have had every right to be hurt and infuriated and feeling panic about it. 

I understand your confusion. Going back and forth as he has shown you in actions mixed signals that he does nice things to you as well. 

I understand it was important to you that he showed on Instagram both you and the others your importance to him. Signaling that. Only had he not been up to what he's been up to on his Instagram I don't think it would have mattered. The only way I can relate is that other women, few in counting of them, dominant, chaos women, would cross boundaries no normal woman would do and flirt, touch my husband thinking he was single or that he did not value our relationship, right in front of me, at times. This because he does not read signs, he honestly confuses one women to another, they can tell he is kind under his image, they want that mix of him. I get they find him attractive, so do I, but I would never act this way these women did if I was into a guy. If single. I would wait for him to make a move (my husband showed very much so he was into me when our relationship began, so when ever a woman has tried to look at me in this victory style when he has not made her back off, when she thinks she stand a chance, I should have thought to tell her You think this is something? It is nothing. He is not making an action on his own like he did me showing he is interested in you.  He does not act fuzzy. He was direct. 

We had to and still do practice on him showing potential others and me at the same time we are a couple, that he value me. It don't take much to make even the most dominant, or chaotic women, to not even dare to do to me what they used to get away with before when flirting with him. None of the things that used to happen happen these days. I can't say if it is because we have had the fortune of not being exposed to those particular types, personalities of these few women, or if him showing at first glance and keep at it is enough to let them know he, we are not vulnerable to their sick games no more. Before he did not get it. He would send out signals he did not mean to. He would think individuality when he ought to think of himself paired. I would be hurt and confused about that. Confused too because as soon as we got away from that social life he would resume to the man I knew, and him acting very much on his own as if paired up with me. 

I developed the whole cassandra thing and had no right place to turn, noone to get what I was talking about, til the discovery of his autism, even so far after that I feel, but it is too that I have to heal from it all before I can finally let it in, so I know what it is like to not be get the way you should when you need help, recognition. 

As of now there has been so many new terms to describe things that has been going on, this umbrella, where I go yes. Yes and yes too, it is such a feeling when you come out of it like that. I still have moments when I am thrown back, but that is too by now rebirthing so hoping finally I am on my way. Ironically, he has been the one most jealous of us, of me, so jealousy but only his own type he could relate to. He is doing things right now. Him feeling good now. Mentally.

Wishing you the best. 

[flitzanu]

this guy sounds like a jerk, but also you shouldn't be trying to control what content people want to consume on the internet.  if their behavior makes you uncomfortable, then you'll want to consider that relationship isn't right for you and that person is not right for you.

that doesn't mean his behavior was right or wrong, just that you trying to police what he does is never going to end in a positive way.

[swirlingcloud]

People's relations to social media can reveal what they are really about. I've seen the similar with those at the gym who go and like as if they are interested in some of the opposite sex at the gym and what that creates in return, their partner being exposed to this lack of respect they are showing, gets insecure, gets jealous. You should never have to tell someone else, your partner, what is OK or not, but the minute they start showing this you know what is OK or not by you, and you make your decision. The trouble is if you are with someone who simply don't get it, then you have to evaluate if they did not mean it that way or most certainly did. 

[Els]

There's a few things going on here.

His road rage and general anger management issues would be a huge red flag to me and I don't think I would stay with a person like that. 

But as for this...

On 6/27/2025 at 3:17 AM, Stargazer01 said:

We are hikers, and he follows a lot of sexy female hikers on instagram. Not fat ones, sexy ones. About my age. He literally likes every-single photo on their profile. Cleavage, sexy poses. I told him I didn’t like this and he said it’s just instagram. That I shouldn’t care. And I asked if the tables were turned…he said he wouldn’t care cause it’s just social media. Well I just found out that he also dm’s them and starts conversations with them about trails.

I mean, IMO this is a very subjective thing. Are you expecting him to only talk to "fat" female hikers, for some reason?? And when you say "cleavage", are we literally talking about OnlyFans-style cleavage, or are we just talking about... a woman with larger breasts wearing a hiking tank top?

I could go either way on this one. It's possible that he's a creep, but on the other hand it's also possible that you're reading too much into this due to your insecurity. Personally I wouldn't make a big deal out of social media, and I certainly wouldn't try to police who my partner can or can't talk to on social media.

Quote

He also wanted to go backpacking alone with a friend who is a woman for 4 nights. Just them two alone. I told him I want comfortable with that. He agreed he wouldn’t go, but he said that sucks.

I don't know about where you live, but backpackers here normally sleep in huts (which are communal, and which other hikers will usually share with them). Did he offer for you to join them?

Quote

I complained last week about another post he liked of a woman in really short shorts.

This is frankly insane on your part. Can he only like pictures of women if they're covered from head to toe? Will a long-sleeved jacket and long pants suffice or do you also want them to be in headscarves or burqa?

Quote

Anyway, my bday was a couple weeks ago. He took me away to the mountains for the weekend. He spent about $800.00 for the air bnb and took me out to dinner. During the week, on My actual bday he did not post a story of me congratulating me. He is always on instagram. The next morning I texted him that I felt hurt and that it would have meant a lot to me since he’s always on instagram.

Again, really really awful and nitpicky on your part. Who cares about whether he posted a story of you two on Insta on your birthday or not?!?! 

Honestly you seem obsessed with social media to me. This can also lead to issues with insecurity, which you are demonstrating aplenty. 

Look, like I said, his anger issues are still a red flag, and one that I think is worth breaking up for. So, be glad that you are broken up, and go NC with him.

I also think you need to sit down with a therapist and address your insecurity and your obsession with social media. Otherwise when you do meet a good person, you'll still tank the relationship when they don't announce to the world on social media that it's your birthday.

Edited 17 hours ago by Els

[ShyViolet]

You don't have a question at the end of your post, but I assume the title of this post is your question.... "should I reach out"? and my answer to that is, are you kidding?  Why on earth would you reach out to this person?

Why was your self-esteem so low that you would stay with a jerk like this for as long as you did?  

Why on earth would you "beg and plead" to him when he broke up with you the first time?  Do not EVER beg and plead to a man.  To put yourself in a position of desperation like that, is just pathetic.  If they don't want you, if they aren't making an effort to be with you, then they aren't for you, and you walk away with self-respect.  

You should have recognized his temper, his abusiveness, his habit of being nasty and aggressive with other people, as a huge red flag and as a sign of his character and what kind of person he is.  

[Sanch62]

You might think that the problem to solve is how this guy treats you and those around him. But you can't solve that.

I think that the problem is your willingness to continue involving yourself with such a person.

I don't think I can help, other than to hope that you will adopt enough self-esteem to reject this guy and move forward.

[ShySoul]

No one should be in a relationship if they do not feel heard or respected. Couples talk together and communicate. They listen to each other. They work together so that both parties feel heard and understood. If he is not able to give that to you, then you shouldn't be with him.

This doesn't mean you were the problem. It doesn't have to mean he was the problem. It's best to just see this as a relationship that didn't work out. Don't harbor bad feelings, just realize that at this time, for whatever reason, he was not able to give you what you needed and deserved.

If it helps, people who appear to move on like it's nothing are generally worse off inside. They have to mask their feelings in order appear well. Either he is being very superficial, in which case he isn't worth your time, or he is hiding his own insecurities and has to lash out in order to feel good about himself. Either way, he is not going to be happy continuing as he is. He'll carry this with him into future relationships and mess that up as well. Not being with him is probably the best thing for you. And the anger issues really aren't good for you.

I know how much it hurts when you really care for someone and how hard it is to let go. It takes time. But you will be okay and you will be better off. 

Take care of yourself.