elfamale Posted June 21 Posted June 21 Long story short, I’ve been dating a girl for about 5 years now. She’s really sweet, kind and understanding. I admit I have cancelled multiple dates with her last minute over the years because sometimes I’m just too exhausted to meet her for dinners. The past 2 weeks, I’ve cancelled on 2 movie nights at her place - the first was due to unforeseen work, which she was understanding of. The second one, I cancelled a few hours prior as honestly, watching movies really isn’t my thing and I wasn’t feeling up to staying up late. I offered her an alternative to have breakfast together instead, but I think she’s upset now and kind of rejected the idea and said it’ll have to be brunch as she can’t wake up early. We’d gone out multiple times for breakfast before and she never mentioned about them being too early. Am I in hot soup now…? Or is she just being difficult because she’s annoyed? I’ve already apologised for letting her down. (FYI she is Christian, so we don’t do premarital sex.)
basil67 Posted June 21 Posted June 21 First of all, why are you agreeing to movie nights if they aren't your thing? Pretending to like movie nights when you don't is really just lying to her. Moreover, it's been five years and she's Christian, so why aren't you engaged? If I were Christian and opposed to premarital sex and co-habitation, I'd also be pissed and avoidant if he hadn't proposed yet.
Author elfamale Posted June 21 Author Posted June 21 To be honest, I’m really attracted to her and get an erection whenever we cuddle, but I respect her religion and have never pressured her into sex. However, I’m also wondering what our sexual chemistry would be like and it bothers me a little I’ll never find out before marriage with her, what if it’s not great? So I guess to save myself the pain of having an erection at her place without being able to act on it, I thought it’s best not to have the movie night. I agreed to movie night initially cause I just wanted to spend some quality time with her, but the day came and I chickened out.
Gebidozo Posted June 21 Posted June 21 I can’t fathom dating for five years without having sex. And I think that your concerns about sexual chemistry are definitely valid. Thousands and millions of marriages have failed due to lack of sexual compatibility. Getting married without knowing your partner sexually, only to potentially discover that you’re going to be stuck forever with a person with whom you don’t have a great sexual chemistry is, in my opinion, akin to gambling your most valuable possession at a roulette table. Perhaps you should share your doubts and concerns with your girlfriend. I think this is a much more important issue than date venues. 2
introverted1 Posted June 21 Posted June 21 1 hour ago, elfamale said: To be honest, I’m really attracted to her and get an erection whenever we cuddle, but I respect her religion and have never pressured her into sex. However, I’m also wondering what our sexual chemistry would be like and it bothers me a little I’ll never find out before marriage with her, what if it’s not great? So I guess to save myself the pain of having an erection at her place without being able to act on it, I thought it’s best not to have the movie night. I agreed to movie night initially cause I just wanted to spend some quality time with her, but the day came and I chickened out. So for 5 years you were ok with all this and have only now come to the point where you are not? Time for an honest conversation with yourself... and her. 3
BaileyB Posted June 21 Posted June 21 3 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I can’t fathom dating for five years without having sex. Which begs the question - why are you not engaged OP? How old are you both?
Sony12 Posted June 21 Posted June 21 Is this the same shy girl that you posted about around 2019/2020 who you said you sent a butt pic to for her birthday? Dating for five years without ever having sex sounds like more of a friendship than two people who are legitimately dating. Are you sure you two are actually in a relationship? If this is the same girl that you wrote about years ago on here it doesn't sound like you two really know each other all that well. Most people who want to wait until marriage to have sex usually get married relatively quickly. 1
smackie9 Posted June 21 Posted June 21 Just dating? for 5 years? By this time there should be a ring on her finger and total commitment...I would say she's just had enough of "Just dating".
ShyViolet Posted June 22 Posted June 22 Dating for 5 years with no sex, that's just a very weird situation and I don't know why you would waste your time with that. You're not really dating it's more like you are friends who cuddle once in a while. This relationship sounds like it's going nowhere.
Sony12 Posted June 22 Posted June 22 39 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Dating for 5 years with no sex, that's just a very weird situation and I don't know why you would waste your time with that. You're not really dating it's more like you are friends who cuddle once in a while. This relationship sounds like it's going nowhere. This whole situation is honestly weird. Around five years ago this poster made a thread and in it he said he sent this shy girl he had been dating for a few months a butt pic for her birthday. 1
Gaeta Posted June 22 Posted June 22 16 hours ago, elfamale said: To be honest, I’m really attracted to her and get an erection whenever we cuddle, but I respect her religion and have never pressured her into sex. However, I’m also wondering what our sexual chemistry would be like and it bothers me a little I’ll never find out before marriage with her, what if it’s not great? So I guess to save myself the pain of having an erection at her place without being able to act on it, I thought it’s best not to have the movie night. I agreed to movie night initially cause I just wanted to spend some quality time with her, but the day came and I chickened out. You knew she would not have premarital sex from the beginning. YOU printed yourself in this corner. I think it's time to breakup. A) you want sex and she ain't providing it B) if she has not pressured you to marry after 5 years - she is not that into you. 1
Author elfamale Posted June 22 Author Posted June 22 Yes, this is the same girl I posted about here before. Many things have happened since then, including cancer in the family, burnout from work and I took a year off overseas to recharge and reset myself. She had faithfully stood by me all this time. She did ask about marriage but I don’t feel ready yet as I’ve just settled back in the country and doing contract work now instead of permanent employment.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22 Posted June 22 So the real problem isn't blue balls on movie night. The real problem is that after 5 years, there's still no real commitment in the manner she'd like. You seem to have one foot out the door if you left for a whole year. Most people would not want to be away from their partners that long if they didn't have to be. Are you sure your employment situation is the reason you're hesitant to move forward with her? Because to me it sounds more like you're not that into her and aren't sure if you want to be with her forever.
MsJayne Posted June 22 Posted June 22 I can't believe she's still waiting for a proposal after five years. She needs to dump you before she ends up a 90 year old virgin. I don't know about you being "in hot soup", but if I was her I'd probably have fed you some soup with arsenic by now.
Sony12 Posted June 22 Posted June 22 (edited) So not only is she waiting for five years with no sex for a proposal but now she faithfully stayed by your side after you left for a year. Is this girl even real? This sounds like some guys fantasy girl who sits around her entire life pining for him even though he sends her butt pics for her birthday. Edited June 22 by Sony12 1
ShyViolet Posted June 22 Posted June 22 Either you are not that into this woman, or you have commitment phobia where you don't want to let anyone get close to you. This is a bizarre relationship that is going nowhere. If at five years you still don't feel ready for marriage, and not only that but you went away for a year, and there's been no sex the entire relationship, then there's not much of a relationship here and you should just stop wasting both of your time.
Els Posted June 22 Posted June 22 On 6/21/2025 at 6:22 PM, elfamale said: To be honest, I’m really attracted to her and get an erection whenever we cuddle, but I respect her religion and have never pressured her into sex. However, I’m also wondering what our sexual chemistry would be like and it bothers me a little I’ll never find out before marriage with her, what if it’s not great? This is a very valid concern and one that I would worry about more if I were you. Quote So I guess to save myself the pain of having an erection at her place without being able to act on it, I thought it’s best not to have the movie night. I agreed to movie night initially cause I just wanted to spend some quality time with her, but the day came and I chickened out. This is kinda strange, though. Do you really think couples who ARE having sex, are having it every single time they are alone together? Being able to handle "having an erection without being able to act on it" is a fairly basic requirement for being an adult in an adult relationship. How old are both of you?
Sanch62 Posted June 22 Posted June 22 On 6/21/2025 at 6:24 AM, introverted1 said: So for 5 years you were ok with all this and have only now come to the point where you are not? Time for an honest conversation with yourself... and her. Right. How did you handle you erection for the last 5 years? Sounds like you're both getting bored with this relationship.
swirlingcloud Posted June 23 Posted June 23 On 6/22/2025 at 5:23 AM, elfamale said: Yes, this is the same girl I posted about here before. Many things have happened since then, including cancer in the family, burnout from work and I took a year off overseas to recharge and reset myself. She had faithfully stood by me all this time. She did ask about marriage but I don’t feel ready yet as I’ve just settled back in the country and doing contract work now instead of permanent employment. You know, you could be secured financially or not during a marriage too, you could get fired. You put aside the plans for your relationship, which to me, no matter what, should take first seat regarding the marriage part, if that is how you both see it, or the other one understands what it symbolizes to the other and it symbolizes the same to you, married or not on some piece of paper. If your heart is too in it the way her heart is then marry her and the two of you can deal with what ever comes around. If there are financial reasons behind you two not getting married see if you could work around that, for instance having a smaller wedding. Is she realistic when it comes to the financial side of things then you two should be able to work that out. The way I see it you have both locked yourself up to these by now old rules of dating that should fit in your past when dating, not now. The other is you cancel on her, more than once. Trust issue? Then again has it been 5 years of course you've reached the point when you should be able to say you know, not tonight, honey, I don't feel like watching a movie, and it doesn't get to be this thing. The way I see it you two have this basket of apples in it but few of the apples are way behind, on the ground, and some you got right, they are in the basket, but you need to have them all in the basket, to live by old rules applied to dating a strict Christian when it is a new relationship before the marriage does not fit into your relationship now, get those in the basket as well and you two should be on your way the way you should be after five years.
swirlingcloud Posted June 23 Posted June 23 Back again, was trying to keep it "short" but being the way I am that's kind of difficult sometimes, or well, almost all the time, lol. Anyways, one thing I thought of just now is that you need to explain to her that your new construction work is, I gather, physically exhausting so that means you will not, now for the time being, at least, be up for late dates. You have not yet achieved permament emplyment so you have to work 110% I take it showing everyone just how good you are. I promised myself I was not going to enter the whole pre-marital non intimate life but I take it you know you are compatible (or will get there), that's all I'm going to say about that :)
basil67 Posted June 23 Posted June 23 4 minutes ago, swirlingcloud said: I promised myself I was not going to enter the whole pre-marital non intimate life but I take it you know you are compatible (or will get there), that's all I'm going to say about that There is no way to know this with any certainty. A couple can talk through what they imagine it will be like together, but only experience tells us what we want and need. Even when both parties have experience and enthusiastically talk about what sex will be like, one or both can end up quite disappointed. (speaking from first hand experience)
Author elfamale Posted June 24 Author Posted June 24 I think my biggest barrier now stopping me from proposing to her, is that I can’t ascertain whether we’ll be sexually compatible. She’s a virgin and I sense she’s not experienced with intimacy even though she allows me to touch her. If anything, I could be the one disappointed as how basil67 explained it above, given my gf wouldn’t know what is / isn’t good sex since she’s got no prior experience. In saying that though, intimacy is a small yet important part of a relationship, but all other aspects our relationship is going well - we have similar family values, how we manage our finances, we each own our own apartments and both climbing well career-wise.
Sony12 Posted June 24 Posted June 24 (edited) 1 hour ago, elfamale said: I think my biggest barrier now stopping me from proposing to her, is that I can’t ascertain whether we’ll be sexually compatible. She’s a virgin and I sense she’s not experienced with intimacy even though she allows me to touch her. If anything, I could be the one disappointed as how basil67 explained it above, given my gf wouldn’t know what is / isn’t good sex since she’s got no prior experience. In saying that though, intimacy is a small yet important part of a relationship, but all other aspects our relationship is going well - we have similar family values, how we manage our finances, we each own our own apartments and both climbing well career-wise. Is this story for real? You have this many issues with her not agreeing to sex yet you have still dated her for five years. Generally this is a compatibility issue that's cleared up within the first couple dates. Edited June 24 by Sony12
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24 Posted June 24 (edited) 1 hour ago, elfamale said: but all other aspects our relationship is going well I would be curious to hear from her perspective how this relationship is going. You left for an entire year, which can't have been easy for her even though she chose to stick around and wait for you. Recently, you've canceled dates. I wonder how this all feels to her, and if she would agree that things are going well between you two on an emotional level. 1 hour ago, elfamale said: I think my biggest barrier now stopping me from proposing to her, is that I can’t ascertain whether we’ll be sexually compatible. And fair enoough, but did you really need 5 years to figure this out? 1 hour ago, elfamale said: I sense she’s not experienced with intimacy It seems a bit odd to me that you speak about this like you don't know her very well. I am not suggesitng that you would need to know the details of her sexual past, but after 5 years together, it's surprising that you only "sense" this and don't seem to know more. The more you write, the more I am getting the impression that there is a lack of deep connection between you two. Edited June 24 by ExpatInItaly 1
Sanch62 Posted June 24 Posted June 24 1 hour ago, elfamale said: I think my biggest barrier now stopping me from proposing to her, is that I can’t ascertain whether we’ll be sexually compatible. Well, after 5 years, this isn't going to get any clearer the more you keep dating her. Decide whether marriage before sex is something you can agree to or not. If not, why keep wasting your time and her best fertility years? Let her go find someone who will love her enough to take that gamble, and you can go find someone who is willing to become sexual without those restrictions.
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