How should I ask someone out at a singles event?

[max3732]

Went to an organized singles event and there was a 7-1 ratio of men to women. So whenever I went to talk to someone there were always other guys hanging around so it was hard to get a 1 on 1 conversation going. There was only 1 woman there I was interested in and never really had a chance to ask her out and I'm wondering what I could have done differently. 

She walked in with a friend of hers and I walked up to talk to both of them and introduced myself and got a few words out before asking the friend something then this other really loud guy starts talking to the one I was interested in. Then another guy comes up and joins the conversation with the friend. When the loud guy started talking to the friend I asked the one I was interested in something and got a few words out before the friend said something like "let's go in and sit down and order something to drink". At that point there were like 4 other guys than came and start following them and I went and talked to someone else.

After I'd talked to everyone else there I thought I'd go up and ask her out, but she and her friend are sitting at the end of a corner table with the entire table filled with guys facing them. I'd say it was about 6 guys there. So I was ready to go, but wanted to ask her out, but not in front of all those other guys. I was also thinking since she was the only getting a lot of interest would she be used to being spoiled? 

I'm thinking about all the other women there and she was the only that interested me and I drove all the way there so there has to have been something I could do. 

What do you think? 

[flitzanu]

59 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I was also thinking since she was the only getting a lot of interest would she be used to being spoiled? 

 

this is a really weird thing to say.  this is nearly insulting this stranger that you know nothing about as being "spoiled" just because she went to a singles event and all the other men were talking to her.

 

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like a lose-lose situation, and an event that was poorly planned.  Whoever organized the event needs to do something to try to make it more even next time.  Otherwise no matter what you do, you're fighting an uphill battle.  

[seamusharper]

You make your way through all the guys and ask her out, it's that simple. 

I agree with @ShyViolet in that this was a very poorly planned event. Who allows a 7-1 male-female ratio?? That's just insane.

[max3732]

51 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

this is a really weird thing to say.  this is nearly insulting this stranger that you know nothing about as being "spoiled" just because she went to a singles event and all the other men were talking to her.

 

Just meant in that context she's surrounded by guys all fighting for her attention. If I went and had a bunch of women fighting over attention I might not be in the best mindset when talking to each individual one.

50 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It sounds like a lose-lose situation, and an event that was poorly planned.  Whoever organized the event needs to do something to try to make it more even next time.  Otherwise no matter what you do, you're fighting an uphill battle.  

The speed dating event I went to last week was perfectly balanced. This was insane. There was a woman there who said she went to try and help her guy friend and said he had no chance with so many guys and I talked to both of them a bit. 

I'm going to email the event organizer and complain. 

It was so far outside of my comfort zone I felt very nervous and awkward. None of the guys were really talking to each other. There was another table with 4 guys talking to 1 woman and I joined that conversation for a bit, but mainly just listened since 2 of the guys already knew each other.

48 minutes ago, seamusharper said:

You make your way through all the guys and ask her out, it's that simple. 

I agree with @ShyViolet in that this was a very poorly planned event. Who allows a 7-1 male-female ratio?? That's just insane.

How do you make your way through the guys if they're sitting at a table. The 2 women were at the end corner of an L shaped table with guys sitting around them. I just don't know how to jump into the conversation and ask her out in front of a large group. It's tough enough for me 1 on 1. 

They have an option to message the people at the event, but they charge you around $35, which I'm not going to do. Very frustrating

[seamusharper]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

Just meant in that context she's surrounded by guys all fighting for her attention. If I went and had a bunch of women fighting over attention I might not be in the best mindset when talking to each individual one.

The speed dating event I went to last week was perfectly balanced. This was insane. There was a woman there who said she went to try and help her guy friend and said he had no chance with so many guys and I talked to both of them a bit. 

I'm going to email the event organizer and complain. 

It was so far outside of my comfort zone I felt very nervous and awkward. None of the guys were really talking to each other. There was another table with 4 guys talking to 1 woman and I joined that conversation for a bit, but mainly just listened since 2 of the guys already knew each other.

How do you make your way through the guys if they're sitting at a table. The 2 women were at the end corner of an L shaped table with guys sitting around them. I just don't know how to jump into the conversation and ask her out in front of a large group. It's tough enough for me 1 on 1. 

They have an option to message the people at the event, but they charge you around $35, which I'm not going to do. Very frustrating

I've heard really bad things about speed dating events in general. It's like dating apps but in real life so I think it was over before you even had a chance to walk in the door unfortunately. Nothing you could have done.

In that context, you've got nothing to lose, just interrupt and ask her out. Did it seem like the women were enjoying the guys' company?

[basil67]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

I'm thinking about all the other women there

So am I.   I'm imagining them with nothing else to do but make new female friends while observing the situation at the other end of the room.  Watching the men fighting over a single woman like hyenas at their prey would have been ruefully amusing.   

A smart guy would have gone and chatted to the women them for a bit.  One never knows what sweetheart could be there among them

[max3732]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

So am I.   I'm imagining them with nothing else to do but make new female friends while observing the situation at the other end of the room.  Watching the men fighting over a single woman like hyenas at their prey would have been ruefully amusing.   

A smart guy would have gone and chatted to the women them for a bit.  One never knows what sweetheart could be there among them

The only women talking to each other were the 2 that all the guys were fighting over. I chatted up all the other ones and had 2 interesting conversations. One said she wasn't single, but went there with her guy friend to help him and she didn't know what else she could do. The other shared one of my closet nerdy hobbies so it was fun to talk about it in the open with someone, but she was way more into it than me.

Another one I talked to didn't seem to have much personality. When I asked about hobbies she said "I don't have any" and then I asked if she enjoys work and she said "I work for a well known company and don't want to talk about it". 

It was good practice talking to them just to get the practice of talking to women around my age for a bit.  I get so nervous at these events I can't think or talk and when I was talking to the one who was just there supporting her friend I could feel a tangible release of tension in my body as the conversation went along. It's just so hard for me to stay relaxed trying to go up and start a conversation in a situation like that. Something seems to short circuit in my brain and I get this unnatural pauses and draw a blank when trying to think. Think I really need to focus on breathing properly and staying relaxed

[basil67]

10 hours ago, max3732 said:

The other shared one of my closet nerdy hobbies so it was fun to talk about it in the open with someone, but she was way more into it than me.

And this is a problem because?   And what was actually wrong with her?

10 hours ago, max3732 said:

Another one I talked to didn't seem to have much personality. When I asked about hobbies she said "I don't have any" and then I asked if she enjoys work and she said "I work for a well known company and don't want to talk about it". 

And may I remind you that you were there to get practice talking to women, it was hard for you to stay relaxed, you had unnatural pauses and your brain short circuits.   At this point, the two of you are peas in a pod, with social skills which are somewhat lacking.   I'm not saying that you should have asked her out, but don't be expecting great social skills at events like this. 

And asking if someone enjoys work is going to be a very hit and miss question.   Some will love it, and others may have just had a really shitty day but don't want to be seen as complainers.  And to another group, it's just a job which pays the bills.  And to another group again, such non answers are just a way of shutting down conversation when they don't want to talk to you.  Just wish them good luck with the night and move on.

 

Edited 14 hours ago by basil67

[max3732]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

And this is a problem because?   And what was actually wrong with her?

And may I remind you that you were there to get practice talking to women, it was hard for you to stay relaxed, you had unnatural pauses and your brain short circuits.   At this point, the two of you are peas in a pod, with social skills which are somewhat lacking.   I'm not saying that you should have asked her out, but don't be expecting great social skills at events like this. 

And asking if someone enjoys work is going to be a very hit and miss question.   Some will love it, and others may have just had a really shitty day but don't want to be seen as complainers.  And to another group, it's just a job which pays the bills.  And to another group again, such non answers are just a way of shutting down conversation when they don't want to talk to you.  Just wish them good luck with the night and move on.

 

Personality wise there was nothing wrong with the first one, but she was extremely obese and seemed to make this very niche hobby the focal point of all her conversations. I heard her talking to someone else and introduced herself as someone who enjoys that. If my interest is a 2, hers is 11 on a scale from 1 to 10.

Any tips for how I can overcome getting nervous/tight at these kinds of events? Once I get into a conversation (like with the one I mentioned) I'm fine, but in trying to go up to a stranger with other people watching and listening it's tough. 

The reason I asked about work was because she has no hobbies and doesn't enjoy doing anything for fun. So my mind went to "perhaps she really enjoys her work or spends a lot of time with that". I really don't care what they do for work, but people always ask that and I thought it's also a decent way to get to know about their personality.

I'm emailing the event organizer to complain. I told a few other people and they all said it wasn't right

[BaileyB]

That doesn’t sound like a well organized singles event… those poor women.

It reminds me of The Bachelor when men trip all over themselves competing for a few moments of private time during which they try to make an impression, get to know the woman, or ask her out. 

This is not usually how relationships develop. In your shoes, I would have considered this a wasted night and let go of any/all my expectations…

Edited 7 hours ago by BaileyB

[max3732]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That doesn’t sound like a well organized singles event… those poor women.

It reminds me of The Bachelor when men trip all over themselves competing for a few moments of private time during which they try to make an impression, get to know the woman, or ask her out. 

This is not usually how relationships develop. In your shoes, I would have considered this a wasted night and let go of any/all my expectations…

When I got there and looked around I saw a room filled with men and 2 women and really hoped more women would show up. A handful more did (including the ones I mentioned), but mainly even more men. 

I went through some effort to get there and it's not in my favorite area, but I had been looking forward to it for a while because it sounded like a fun venue. They had nothing organized at all so it might as well have been anywhere with some places to sit. 

What really bothers me is hiding the ability to contact anyone behind the paywall. So even the ones I'd like to keep in touch just as friends or the guys I talked to I have no way to contact. I asked the person working for the event company if there's a way to contact people after and she told me she worked for an agency and didn't know how it worked. Also I was the 3rd or 4th person to ask her that. I think a lot of people got frustrated and just left. 

After that I think speed dating might be better because you at least get a few minutes to talk to someone without someone trying to cut in or who is listening to your conversation. I'm trying to work on my breathing and remaining calm in situations like that where I'm uncomfortable and not stuttering or slow down my speech or draw a blank, but it's easier said than done. I still remember when I got away from the crowd and was talking to that woman and feeling the tension melt away and I could think and speak again.