beowulf44 Posted June 17 Posted June 17 So this isnt a question about me, rather, just about people in general who have been dating 5 years or longer (just, long periods of time i mean) and still have not gotten engaged / etc. My question is, why? Why do people date this long without getting married? I know there are probably many answers to this, but Im just curious as an outside observer. Is it because maybe the relationship was on /off? Maybe the timing isnt right? Is it possible that people who have been together this long can still be unsure whether they want to get married? Or is it that theyve discussed marriage and want to do it, but they just havent "done" it yet for whatever reason?
BaileyB Posted June 17 Posted June 17 I’m sure there are many answers to this question including those you listed above. For us, we were older and he had been married/divorced previously. He always said that he didn’t feel the need to have a wedding again. We were committed to each other in every way that mattered and we chose to direct our finances toward other things - specifically, building a home to share together. We did ultimately get married and neither regrets the decision to get married or the decision to wait.
Sanch62 Posted June 17 Posted June 17 Any of the above. There's also a trend in younger people delaying marriage longer or opting out of the legal contract altogether. No marriage equals no wedding expenses, no potential pricey divorce. 1
Gebidozo Posted June 17 Posted June 17 I used to be really excited by the idea of marriage and also couldn’t understand why people would wait so long, or even be together for life without ever getting married. I thought it signified a lack of commitment. Later I understood that it had been the other way around for me, I’d wanted to get married to force commitment on relationships instead of developing it naturally. Now all I feel about marriage is that it is, at best, a legal formality that might make certain things simpler and more convenient in certain cases. At worst, it is an additional layer of pressure, stress, and limitation of freedom in a life that is full of those anyway.
BaileyB Posted June 17 Posted June 17 1 hour ago, Sanch62 said: No marriage equals no wedding expenses, no potential pricey divorce. Unless you buy property together or have children… then the costs go up.
Sanch62 Posted June 17 Posted June 17 34 minutes ago, BaileyB said: 2 hours ago, Sanch62 said: No marriage equals no wedding expenses, no potential pricey divorce. Unless you buy property together or have children… then the costs go up. Good point. Lots of couples just defer marriage until they opt for one or both of these milestones.
basil67 Posted June 17 Posted June 17 We've been defacto for over 30 years. We talked about marriage at some stage in the 90's, but he wanted a big wedding and I wanted a small wedding with immediate family only. We couldn't agree, so decided to not bother and spend the money on a new bathroom. Behind the decision to not marry (other than disagreement about wedding type), are the facts that we already have absolute commitment, we've got two adult children and own a house. We also have recognition from the state giving us the same rights as a married couple in everything from making medical decisions for the other to separation. I'm not anti marriage though - our daughter is engaged to marry a good man and we couldn't be happier for her. 2
LauraXX Posted June 18 Posted June 18 I used to be completely against marriage. I always liked the idea that two people choose each other every day — without a contract forcing them to stay together.So that’s why I never got married, even in my three long term relationships. But now, in my mid to late 40s, I don’t see things so rigidly anymore. I actually find the idea of getting married kind of charming … even if “forever and always” is a promise I realistically can’t make. 1
swirlingcloud Posted June 18 Posted June 18 (edited) I never ask others why as it can be a sensitive subject and is non of my business, really, LOL, but they have on their own told me and it's various of reasons, financial ones, I would say, the most. They are waiting to get there. I too think it can be about what culture you are brought up in. There was this assumption I would get married young by family and friends, but I got out of it (the relationship I was in), but not before I was engaged to him. For a long time I detested the "ownership" in it, the engagement alone, as if my ex still thought he had rights he no longer had. Felt more like a dictation, as if the culture, society I was in dictated these terms to me. I couldn't breath. It was with the message it wasn't over til the ex said it was, only it was, especially out in the real world, and I had to fight him on it, for a long time. I don't want to think what it would have been liked had we actually married. Very few times still today I've woken up from nightmares about it. It has always felt as if I got away at the 11th hour. Even now as I am writing this I feel a part of me going back to the old me, sinking down in it. I'm happy I did not let those sad, frighten feelings dominate me for long without me taking my own action to get out. He would not have been happy with me. I would not have been happy with him. It was for the best. I don't know what it was, or is, but my ex did not marry, ti this day he isn't married, but from what I know, is in a serious commitment. He was without for a long time and during he was still trying to get to me. It has surprised me because I thought he would be married to her by now. Our wedding, us being married was something he talked about a lot. I think he had this vision that our wedding would somehow make us happy and that somehow we would be happy married, but we weren't happy even before so I can't think of why we would be happy later on based on a ceremony and one more ring to my finger. I think you are what you are, the relationship is what it is, and safety, love is what's important. To me the rest don't matter. If you can't stay true, faithful and honor the vows even before taking them there is to me no fulfilled promise you do so after. There are couple more "married" to each other, unmarried, than some married. I respect the symbol of it, what it means to some, but I've been around and seen how disrespected married people can be about their vows when I was young being at places in the evenings and throughout the nights. They did not even bother to take off their rings. It sickened me. I was a nobody to them, of course, only young, had nothing to do with that. It always amuses me when people who think they are so important erase in their heads that they are actually surrounded by other living thinking creatures, there to work, or to party, who see them and what they are doing. Had it been a neighbor of theirs on their important street they would have pretended to be someone else. They think nobody can touch them. I've seen too much. In one way I think I needed to see it. It has always been the guys who has treated me, the courtship, according to the plan of us getting married, used to that being how it is for everyone, that guys were not disrespectful to you, I thought all guys are like that, that I knew. It was a shock for me to discover that the same guy who (only pre dating stage, but still) would treat me one way (pre-wife way) would treat another girl by the way it looked like when she showed me his text messages. I told her to not answer and forget about him. I felt protective of her. She answered anyways, and would hope he would change his attitude to seeing her as a pre-wife, then wife. In one way I think I needed to see that too. This is what's going on, these unwritten rules, somebody else made, but you don't have to make them yours. That's up to you. That guy had decided I was pre-wife, she was trash, she was to play with. You decide yourself your own worth, what things symbolize to you. You don't have to answer to anything else. Your opinion is worth even more than others when it comes to you and your own life. You can't let others decide that for you, they can decide it about themselves, not somebody else. It was very important to my husband we would get married because of what it symbolized to him and from a law point he saw it as us being more safe. He set up this plan when we would and I said yes to it. One of the reasons was too when we would go abroad that he hated it when they would take me aside to look through my papers and ask questions. I was used to it. They would still do it, after we got married, I don't think he got that part, but only now he could be running after us, exclaiming "She's my wife!", so everyone can hear, as if there's been some mistake, or that gave him rights to follow and stand by my side, it made no difference, I think, but I reckon he will keep doing it Edited June 18 by swirlingcloud 1
MsJayne Posted June 18 Posted June 18 Can be many reasons, but I think the three most common are; 1. The two people involved don't think it's terribly important because in Western culture de facto pretty much equals marriage these days, just without the hooha and expense of the ceremony. 2. One partner isn't fully 'in'. In a heterosexual relationship I think it's usually the man, they like the comfort and companionship of the relationship but they're just marking time until The One comes along. Suddenly ten years have gone by, and this is where you might see thirty-something women becoming resentful because they're waiting for the commitment before they start a family but refuse to acknowledge it's not going to happen. 3. Bitter Divorcee Syndrome. One, or both, partners have been married before and have more baggage than Bangkok Airport. Maybe they lost a house, maybe their kids don't speak to them, maybe they were a victim of domestic violence, there's plenty of possible reasons why they became bitter and unable to trust a new partner. This is quite common in middle-aged couples. 1
Trail Blazer Posted June 20 Posted June 20 On 6/18/2025 at 3:27 AM, beowulf44 said: So this isnt a question about me, rather, just about people in general who have been dating 5 years or longer (just, long periods of time i mean) and still have not gotten engaged / etc. My question is, why? Why do people date this long without getting married? I know there are probably many answers to this, but Im just curious as an outside observer. Is it because maybe the relationship was on /off? Maybe the timing isnt right? Is it possible that people who have been together this long can still be unsure whether they want to get married? Or is it that theyve discussed marriage and want to do it, but they just havent "done" it yet for whatever reason? Why are you framing dating as though it's merely a process two people must undertake in order to reach a universal goal which is marriage? For those who want to get married, your question may have validity. For those who see marriage as a waste of money and opt out of conforming to an archaic social construct, your questions are completely redundant. My partner and I fall in the camp of the latter. It offers no value to our relationship.
Sanch62 Posted June 20 Posted June 20 (edited) 2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: ... those who see marriage as a waste of money and opt out of conforming to an archaic social construct... Beautifully said. 'Archaic social construct' sums it up for a lot of us. I remember the turn of century debate about gay marriage landing on a legal 'domestic partnership' solution. Companies immediately extended medical benefits, and over time, other institutions, such as hospitals, changed policies to accommodate this. As a straight woman, I was angry. "Why can't we ALL have this? What does sex have to do with a legal contract? Why can't everyone commit to anyone, of any sex, as a domestic partner to run a shared household, including dependent parents or siblings?" Moreover, "Why must I be trapped by a 'special' ring that brings all kinds of detrimental consequences for ending such a union just for the sake of a tax break and an assumption that our purpose was to breed children? I can appreciate those who want marriage for their own private moral, religious or other reasons. Yet they can turn to ceremonies for that, in addition to, but separate from, the legalities. So people have learned how to navigate legal obstacles to sharing their daily lives without the imposition of financial ruin being the thing that keeps them together, "until death do us part". Edited June 20 by Sanch62
basil67 Posted June 20 Posted June 20 4 hours ago, Sanch62 said: So people have learned how to navigate legal obstacles to sharing their daily lives without the imposition of financial ruin being the thing that keeps them together, "until death do us part". Speaking of financial ruin, our 27 yo son has a significant disability. When he was an infant we made the decision that I would become his primary carer, with my partner (his father) supporting us all financially. If there were no legal protections in a breakup, I could be left with nothing after all those years of caring, and that would also impact our son. I would never have chosen to be defacto if we didn't have these laws because you never know what's around the corner. Making end of life decisions, chronic illness, caring. And regular decisions such as protection for SAHP where both parties agreed that one parent would care for the young kids and household. 3
smackie9 Posted June 21 Posted June 21 I'm not married, no kids, been together for 35 years, claim single on income tax, separate accounts except the line on the house. It works for us. I'm Canadian so Canadian law considers us as married anyways. Don't need a certificate in this country. And it doesn't matter if you are gay trans whatever, everyone is included and has access to benefits etc. as a married couple. EXCEPT if you live in Quebec. Then none of that applies. Your common law spouse dies all assets goes to their immediate family. 1
basil67 Posted June 21 Posted June 21 Ironically, our defacto laws are so solid that if (heaven forbid) my partner died and I met someone new and they moved in, I'd have to have a legal document drawn up agreeing that 100% of my assets go to my children upon my death. I would of course give the new partner a period of grace to move out of the house.
Gaeta Posted June 22 Posted June 22 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: I'm not married, no kids, been together for 35 years, claim single on income tax, separate accounts except the line on the house. It works for us. I'm Canadian so Canadian law considers us as married anyways. Don't need a certificate in this country. And it doesn't matter if you are gay trans whatever, everyone is included and has access to benefits etc. as a married couple. EXCEPT if you live in Quebec. Then none of that applies. Your common law spouse dies all assets goes to their immediate family. Yep, until June 30th of this year. Unmarried couples that have children together will have protection almost as if they were married. If you don't have children together then it stays the same. OP I come from a culture that doesn't marry. I know very little couples that are married. It does not mean that they are not 'committed' to each other. They have assets together, children together, retirement plans together, life insurances together, they have Will together: that's also a commitment. If you look at the rate of divorce I would say 'marriage' doesn't garantie you much. Also, if you mean your boyfriend and yourself are not talking 'future' togehter then yes there is an urgency here to having an open and honest conversation on that topic. Why did you wait 5 years? I was asking my boyfriend these questions after 6 months. 1
Els Posted June 22 Posted June 22 There are so many possible reasons. They could be too young and not ready for it. They might prefer to remain de facto partners. They might live in a country where de facto partners have the same legal rights and liabilities as marriage. They might not believe in marriage. So on and so forth. Marriage is no longer the default "next step" after you start dating someone, just like how having kids is no longer the default "next step" after you get married. People are instead asking themselves if they genuinely want these things, and IMO that's a good thing, regardless of their eventual decision. The real question is, if it doesn't involve you or your partner, why does it matter? 1
Els Posted June 22 Posted June 22 On 6/21/2025 at 3:38 AM, Sanch62 said: As a straight woman, I was angry. "Why can't we ALL have this? What does sex have to do with a legal contract? Why can't everyone commit to anyone, of any sex, as a domestic partner to run a shared household, including dependent parents or siblings?" Moreover, "Why must I be trapped by a 'special' ring that brings all kinds of detrimental consequences for ending such a union just for the sake of a tax break and an assumption that our purpose was to breed children? I can appreciate those who want marriage for their own private moral, religious or other reasons. Yet they can turn to ceremonies for that, in addition to, but separate from, the legalities. So people have learned how to navigate legal obstacles to sharing their daily lives without the imposition of financial ruin being the thing that keeps them together, "until death do us part". I agree with your first paragraph, but not sure if I understand the second. If de facto partnerships carry the same legal protections as marriage (which I agree that they should), they will also carry the same legal liabilities as marriage. So if someone doesn't want to get married because they're afraid of "the imposition of financial ruin being the thing that keeps them together", they can't be in a de facto relationship either if they live in such a jurisdiction. FWIW, I live in a place where de facto partnerships do indeed carry the same legal weight as marriage. That means that when you separate from your de facto partner here, they will have claim to your assets and potential alimony, just like how they would if you were married. It's the same thing except without a wedding. Financial liabilities don't change.
Sanch62 Posted June 22 Posted June 22 17 minutes ago, Els said: ...If de facto partnerships carry the same legal protections as marriage (which I agree that they should), they will also carry the same legal liabilities as marriage. So if someone doesn't want to get married because they're afraid of "the imposition of financial ruin being the thing that keeps them together", they can't be in a de facto relationship either if they live in such a jurisdiction. I understand. I'm not familiar with de facto laws. I'm in the US, where most states have phased out recognition of what were once called 'common law' marriages. I'm not even sure where most states stand on the 'domestic partnerships' to which I referred because LGBTQ marriage is now legal--although probably in danger, as is just about every right the community has gained. My point is simply that lots of young people are deferring or opting out of the legalities of marriage in favor of seeking other creative legal and private ways to protect themselves and offer their partners protections while cohabitating, instead.
Ami1uwant Posted June 24 Posted June 24 On 6/17/2025 at 1:27 PM, beowulf44 said: So this isnt a question about me, rather, just about people in general who have been dating 5 years or longer (just, long periods of time i mean) and still have not gotten engaged / etc. My question is, why? Why do people date this long without getting married? I know there are probably many answers to this, but Im just curious as an outside observer. Is it because maybe the relationship was on /off? Maybe the timing isnt right? Is it possible that people who have been together this long can still be unsure whether they want to get married? Or is it that theyve discussed marriage and want to do it, but they just havent "done" it yet for whatever reason? Depends on age….. it’s natural for those who started dating at 18-23 wait till they have settled in their careers. some might not marry again or ever.
FMW Posted June 29 Posted June 29 I'm 60 and was divorced after a 23 year marriage. Three years later I met my partner, now 61, who was married 20 years until his wife died. Neither of us have children. Neither of us found marriage to be a positive thing and we are agreed on not wanting to do it again. We've been together 6 years and are monogamous and happy together. Our families and friends see us as partners, with or without an official designation. The decision to marry can be largely influenced by religious views and traditional cultural norms. Legal protection concerns like inheritance, property ownership, and healthcare directives can be handled by legal documents without being married. 2
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