Girlfriend has asked me to "let her go"

[harnold]

To make a long story short, I have been seeing a hispanic girl for about a year now.  It has always been an intense relationship, very fast moving, and she's definitely a bit clingy (personality type but also culture as her Latina roots make her very "intense" - both for better /worse, but on the whole, its been a great experience so far).  Point is, its alot, its intense, and its fast moving.

 

However, she is undocumented (here illegally, as she overstayed her visa), and this is causing some frictions in the relationship recently.  As you all may know, there's been a big ramp-up in deportations in the US these past few weeks, and it is giving her major anxiety.  She is afraid to leave the house, get groceries, etc, and she often stays at home in a huge funk.  However, beyond that, she has also been pressuring me with the topic of marriage recently.  Bringing it up every few days, telling me how afraid she feels everyday, her anxiety of getting deported, her lack of feeling safe, and telling me how she would really appreciate a marriage to "help her" through this time.  Or asking me if I've "thought more" about the idea of getting married to help her become a citizen.

 

I'm admittedly a "slow moving" guy.  I posted in the Summer about the frictions we were having because she was moving faster than I was, and many advised me to simply leave the relationship as they believed  my "slowness" was the result of me just not liking her enough.  Which turned out to not be the case, because after a point we did eventually embrace a relationship (once it felt "natural" to me and not like it was rushed), and I have been very happy since.  However, the marriage stuff is just.. way too early.  We've only known each other a year, and technically have dated even less than that (10 months, as we were "broken up" 2 months during the Summer).  For the past few weeks, she has been breaking down in front of me, telling me she doesn't feel safe, and basically asking if I can marry her and how soon I would be ready for it.  Not just for her, but also because she wants to bring her family here.  I keep telling her as much as I want to help her, getting married is a huge commitment, and is not something I would do "for" someone (eg, something to "help" them).... its something I would do for "us" because I feel the time is right.  Not as a favor or anything like that.

 

Typing that up, it sounds really bad, but I dont think shes "using" me for a green card.  We do have many shared goals and aspirations.  Anyway, that aside, I have expressed to her multiple times that as much as I love her, I dont feel ready for anything like that yet.  I do see her as a potential lifelong partner, but we still have issues we need to work on, we only have known each other 1 year, etc etc.  She says she is willing to wait, but also has a real fear that shes just "wasting her time" and that I wont want to marry her "any time soon".

 

At the same time, despite telling me she wants to wait, she often breaks down and tells me she is afraid of "losing time", that for too long she has been thinking "only about love and not with her brain" as opposed to doing "whats right for her" (basically implying something along the lines that she shouldn't be marrying strictly for "love", but also for the safety of her and her family.. I assume finding someone else to marry her faster? Even if its not strictly for love?).  She tells me she is very attached to me, and isn't willing to break things off with me since it will be very painful for her to do, and how she sometimes wishes that I would just leave her and "let her go" so she can work on "what she needs". Later she tells me "she didnt mean it", but then she often returns to say the same thing.

 

What do you guys think? It probably sounds horrible typing this, like Im being used.  There probably is some element of that there, but I do feel that a large part of the relationship is genuine, as the flare-ups have only gotten very bad recently since the televised deportations began.  But its way too early for me... way, way, way too early, and I cant change how I feel about that.  Please bear in mind that she is a naturally anxious person, with alot of past traumas which causes her to act in very extreme ways sometimes.  And also please put yourself in her shoes, where a fear of deportation might cause you to act in certain erratic ways.

 

With all that said, I really cant tell if her "please let me go" is a sincere request for me, or just something she is doing out of her emotional burden which she does not really mean.  What do you guys think? Am I delusional? Should I really just take her at face value and allow her to find whatever other solution she is seeking?  Am I being selfish/ naive? Any sort of guidance would be helpful.  Thank you

 

My approach up until this point has been basically to tell her I love her, that Im not ready for marriage now but hope that one day I will be, and basically tell her that I'm unwilling to be the person to let her go because I do love her and do want things to work out... but also that I do understand any decision that she would choose to make, whatever it may be.  I really hadn't considered "letting her go" as I really would want her to just let *me* go if that's her decision... but I have been thinking about it for the past few days and her request really doesnt sit right with me.  I dont want to deny her happiness, and it feels wrong to keep her in a relationship where she has articulated these points to me.  

 

Thoughts?  Is there some middle ground? She has proposed the idea of putting a "time limit" on the decision; like, basically resisting the idea in a year or whatever, and if we havent made progress on the marriage front, that we could part amicably. To me it feels forced to put a deadline on something that should otherwise be natural; but is this the best approach in this case?

Edited June 17 by harnold

[Sony12]

I'm sure she is worried about the current situation I'm the country if she is indeed not a legal citizen. However you should absolutely not marry her if you aren't comfortable with it and don't actually love her as a potential life partner. 

People who aren't legal citizens trying to become one through marriage isn't anything new. If you aren't comfortable with it don't let her pressure you into it. She wouldn't be marrying you because of love anyways.

[BaileyB]

She is free to leave at any point, this talk of “letting her go” is strange.

I think in asking you to “let her go” what she is trying to understand are your intentions - do you see this relationship progressing to marriage or not. The reason why she needs to know this sooner than later is because she has a HUGE problem right now in that she is undocumented and at risk of being deported - at any moment. How terrible must that be to be afraid to leave the house and get groceries for fear of being apprehended by federal agents and deported. I can’t actually imagine that level of fear! It makes me think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs… she is consumed with her basic need of security right now and you are at a much higher level, thinking about whether you do/do not want to plan a wedding…

If you do not want to marry the woman, that is your choice and you should never be pushed into doing something that you do not want to do. For all we know, even if you were to marry they will still deport her for being illegal - there is no rule of law in the US right now. But gosh, I feel for your girlfriend… I can’t imagine the stress and anxiety that she is feeling. I would be a wreck. 

[Els]

This is not just a US thing - in almost all countries, overstaying a visa will put you at risk of being deported, and it will also make it very, very difficult for you to ever get a future visa. Yes, even if you marry a citizen. Marriage is not the immigration silver bullet that people seem to think it is, and people who marry a citizen can still face the possibility of a visa being declined (e.g. if they fail a police check, or if they breached the conditions of a previous visa, etc). In the country that I migrated to, some people's spouses were even disqualified due to suffering from chronic medical conditions.

Basically, as an immigrant myself I certainly feel for all those escaping harsh conditions in the country of their birth, but overstaying your visa is not the way to do it.

So, unless you want to go to her home country with her, I'm not sure what the purpose of continuing in this relationship is. She very likely has no future in your country, regardless of whether you marry her or not.

 

Edited June 17 by Els

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Els said:

This is not just a US thing

Thank you for the reminder. My mind went to the US because of what’s happening there at the moment but immigration law is definitely not just a US thing. 
 

1 hour ago, Els said:

Marriage is not the immigration silver bullet that people seem to think it is, and people who marry a citizen can still face the possibility of a visa being declined.

That was my thought but I am not well versed, so thank you for confirming.
 

1 hour ago, Els said:

She very likely has no future in your country, regardless of whether you marry her or not.

Sadly, very true. 

Hard decisions to make here OP. You need to be honest with her and yourself. You are approaching this as one would approach any new relationship - in that you rightly so don’t want to make any major life decisions just one year into this relationship… That’s not where she is at and you don’t really have the luxury of giving this relationship time to see if this is the woman that you want to marry - she has some serious legal issues that are going to affect the future of this relationship. 

Edited June 17 by BaileyB

[flitzanu]

i mean, regardless of her telling you she isn't marrying you just for citizenship....she's still marrying you for citizenship.

 

[ShyViolet]

This relationship sounds like it is on very shaky ground.  You've been dating a year, and you have already broken up once.  She's not thinking clearly in light of what is going on.  Obviously marrying her would be a terrible idea and thank goodness you had the sense to tell her no.  

What's going on in the US right now is a complete dumpster fire, and I do sympathize with what she's going through, but you marrying her is not the answer and sounds like it would be a mistake.  It's not your responsibility to solve her problems.  This whole relationship sounds questionable and unhealthy.

[harnold]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

She is free to leave at any point, this talk of “letting her go” is strange.

I think in asking you to “let her go” what she is trying to understand are your intentions - do you see this relationship progressing to marriage or not. The reason why she needs to know this sooner than later is because she has a HUGE problem right now in that she is undocumented and at risk of being deported - at any moment.

Thank you for the response. I really do appreciate all the responses in the thread thus far, but I wasnt really trying to ask if I should *get married* to her or not.  Moreso, how to judge her request that I "let her go", which you did answer.

 

Your response makes a lot of sense.  About her trying to understand my intentions.  I do feel like its still a bit of a premature question, but I have told her I envision a possibility w her that I never really have w other women Ive dated.  We spar on some ideas like money management, but have talked in depth about many shared goals like opening a business together, kids, as something to happen in the future.  I suppose I will try to continue reflecting on this question 

 

And thank you for the empathy.  Yes, its pretty horrible, and she is already a very anxious person.  Im trying to do my best to be by her side in other ways, to comfort her etc through these times.. but it is very difficult.

[harnold]

6 hours ago, Els said:

This is not just a US thing - in almost all countries, overstaying a visa will put you at risk of being deported, and it will also make it very, very difficult for you to ever get a future visa. Yes, even if you marry a citizen. Marriage is not the immigration silver bullet that people seem to think it is, and people who marry a citizen can still face the possibility of a visa being declined (e.g. if they fail a police check, or if they breached the conditions of a previous visa, etc). In the country that I migrated to, some people's spouses were even disqualified due to suffering from chronic medical conditions.

Basically, as an immigrant myself I certainly feel for all those escaping harsh conditions in the country of their birth, but overstaying your visa is not the way to do it.

So, unless you want to go to her home country with her, I'm not sure what the purpose of continuing in this relationship is. She very likely has no future in your country, regardless of whether you marry her or not.

 

From what I understand, visa overstay in the US can be overlooked by marriage to a US citizen (issuing the proper paperwork is filed accordingly).  Immigrants who came here illegally - thats a whole other story altogether

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, before you make any decisions about marriage, I urge you to get informed. 

Speak to an immigration lawyer. Find out what risks or liability you may be shouldering in marrying someone who is in the country illegally. It's not as simple as "we get married and she gets to stay and then she will become a citizen." You are the citizen here. Find out first what this would mean for you as her legal sponsor (so to speak) if you married her. Have you researched 

There is a also a risk that a judge would determine yours is a marriage of convenience and deny her a visa anyway. You could wind up in trouble for that too, if they feel you were complicit in habouring somone illegally and then trying to skirt the system by getting married. 

You are right to be very concerned about this. She is right to very worried too. She took an enormous risk in overstaying her visa. Be very, very careful in what you do next, and speak to a professional who can clearly outline what the outcome or consequences may be if you proceed with marriage. You can't make a decision based on feelings alone here. The legal stakes may be too high. 

 

[Sanch62]

I would spring for an immigration attorney to educate both you and GF about recent changes in the laws. Attempting to research online puts you at risk for relying on dated information.

Marriage requires filing legal documents, and an expired visa may render GF ineligible for a marriage license. It could also expose you to charges that would not have been the case during the prior administration.

My heart goes out to both of you. It's possible that even if you wanted to marry tomorrow, it might be too late inside the US. This information would answer your dilemma about letting her go if she's not eligible for a marriage remedy, regardless of who she might marry.

[basil67]

It seems very clear to me.  She either needs to explore the idea of marriage and citizenship with you, or she needs to break up so she can make other choices without having to consider you.    Basically, she wants you to s*** or get off the pot.

Given her situation, I don't think this is unfair.   If you're not ready to marry her and look at her legal status, she needs you to walk away from her so that she can do what she needs unhindered by the relationship.

[MsJayne]

All this "breaking down" is her being extremely manipulative. I'd be letting her go and telling her not to let the door hit her on the a** on the way out. In fact, I'd pretend I was going to call the immigration department just for the fun of watching her s**t her manipulative pants and give her something to really have a melt-down over. No one forced her to overstay her visa, she chose to do that, and she's an irresponsible airhead for doing it. Don't marry an airhead, you'll end up regretting it. If she wants to stay in your country she needs to go through the legal channels without using you, and so do the rest of her family. Don't be the meal ticket for a pack of desperadoes. 

[introverted1]

14 hours ago, MsJayne said:

All this "breaking down" is her being extremely manipulative.

Truly.  Especially since there were far more deportations during the Biden administration (albeit with much less media hyperbole); was she pressuring you for marriage then, too? 

Regardless, marrying for a green card is a bad move no matter how you slice it. Marry if/when you know this is the person with whom you want to spend your life, not because you think or hope it will solve her residency problem. If that time comes, speak to an immigration lawyer, as the legal issues and requirements around marrying an illegal immigrant are complex

[Acacia98]

On 6/18/2025 at 12:06 AM, basil67 said:

It seems very clear to me.  She either needs to explore the idea of marriage and citizenship with you, or she needs to break up so she can make other choices without having to consider you.    Basically, she wants you to s*** or get off the pot.

Given her situation, I don't think this is unfair.   If you're not ready to marry her and look at her legal status, she needs you to walk away from her so that she can do what she needs unhindered by the relationship.

I totally agree.

OP, breaking up with her would be doing her a kindness.

[FredEire]

On 6/18/2025 at 12:12 PM, MsJayne said:

All this "breaking down" is her being extremely manipulative. I'd be letting her go and telling her not to let the door hit her on the a** on the way out. In fact, I'd pretend I was going to call the immigration department just for the fun of watching her s**t her manipulative pants and give her something to really have a melt-down over. No one forced her to overstay her visa, she chose to do that, and she's an irresponsible airhead for doing it. Don't marry an airhead, you'll end up regretting it. If she wants to stay in your country she needs to go through the legal channels without using you, and so do the rest of her family. Don't be the meal ticket for a pack of desperadoes. 

Yep, if your utility take first place over whatever feelings of affection may/may not exist in the relationship, rest assured it won't end there and you'll be doing a lot more favours to fend off a lot more "breakdowns".

[Els]

On 6/18/2025 at 4:59 AM, harnold said:

From what I understand, visa overstay in the US can be overlooked by marriage to a US citizen (issuing the proper paperwork is filed accordingly).  Immigrants who came here illegally - thats a whole other story altogether

Where did you hear this? Have you talked to an accredited immigration advisor/lawyer about this, or is this hearsay? Or, worse, is this what SHE says?

If you are serious in wanting to "help" her (and I don't think you should, but anyway), please at least talk to an immigration advisor. You need to know what you're going to be legally liable for here, if you do proceed with this.

As others have said, you could be liable for criminal charges. And even if it was 100% aboveboard and legal, some countries require the sponsor of a partner/spouse visa to be financially liable for the person they are sponsoring for several years. Even if they separate halfway through the duration.

Personally, I think this woman is a walking case of red flags. She's clearly shown that she doesn't care about breaking the law. When you do talk to an immigration advisor, don't be surprised if they advise that she leave the country ASAP, because the longer she stays, in most jurisdictions the worse the consequences will be when she is discovered. I don't know how long she's been here already, but an overstay of e.g. 3 days is generally treated very differently from an overstay of 3 months. 

Edited June 22 by Els

[smackie9]

Don't make her problem your problem...she is an adult, she can go seek legal advice and see what her options are. Don't! for the love of god marry her. You would be responsible/obligated to take care of her/support her for up to 10 years, even if things don't work out.