Anonymous Posted June 17 Posted June 17 I’m feel like I’m going crazy Long story short. I’m a 30yF who has been married for a year to my partner (same age). Our relationship to say the least has always been rocky and tbh I’ve never truly felt we were truly compatible. I’ve never gotten butterflies with him and he always tells me how much I’m physically out of his league. For me though he was always just so safe. For further context I had a horrid childhood and I’m pretty sure I have a mild form of BPD as a result. Anyway. In January my best friend (who is a gay male) introduced me to his straight male roommate who is single although def quite the player. There was chemistry from the jump but I never knew if it was mutual or not and really it didn’t matter as I am married. He happened to be out with us one night and while drunk proceeded to kiss me and tell me he felt all the things I did (but had never told him). This was in April and we haven’t stopped talking since. We became closer recently as I am in the medical field and he sought help from me as he is currently kicking a benzo/alcohol addiction. He confessed to me that part of him wanting to get clean is to explore a real situation with me. This also took me by surprise. Although he is single he does have a woman in his life whom he’s been in a situationship with for awhile. I ask about her but he says he kinda just keeps her around out of comfort. He told me the other day that he’s never felt so calm with anyone and even called me his life line… I’ haven’t felt this way about any man since my ex boyfriend who died suddenly almost a decade ago. He reminds me so much of him. I feel relaxed when I’m around him. Like I’m home. We are so similar. I’ve been crying all day and I feel horrible because my husband has no clue why. I know this is so selfish of me. I’m not even sure if my AP really means what he says. Has anyone gone through this? Any advice would be helpful.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17 Posted June 17 1 hour ago, Anonymous said: He told me the other day that he’s never felt so calm with anyone and even called me his life line… I would not be flattered by this. In fact, I would find it deeply unsettling. This man is an addict who has never dated you. Being a "lifeline" for a person like this is not good. He's not thinking clearly nor in a good mental space. The same goes for you, but for different reasons. Keep in mnd that anyone can feel great and "calming" when you haven't had a real relationship with them. You haven't seen all sides of him, don't know what it's like to be with him day to day, don't know how he deals with life If he has a substance abuse problem, you can be sure it woud not be an easy ride. If you don't want to be married, do the right thing and take concrete steps to end your marriage. It doesn't sound as though your husband is the right match for you or that you got married for the right reasons. This is going to set you up for a lifetime of thrill-chasing with other men, because you will never be really fulfilled with your marriage. Why drag out the inevitable? If you do end it, though, please understand that this other guy is likely not going to be you Happily Ever After either. There are many red flags, even apart from the infidelity. 1 1
BaileyB Posted June 17 Posted June 17 (edited) I do not need to post because expat has said exactly what I would have said. Have you ever seen a cousellor OP? I’m concerned that you are choosing relationships/partners based on what feels “safe” to you - but both relationships sound like they are very unstable and full of drama. It sounds to me like you are perhaps repeating the patterns of your childhood in these relationships - I have to wonder if your definition of what feels good and “safe” is a little distorted. Based on what you have described, both men and both relationships have serious red flags. Counselling may be a good idea - if you have the option. Edited June 17 by BaileyB 1
Anonymous Posted June 17 Posted June 17 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would not be flattered by this. In fact, I would find it deeply unsettling. This man is an addict who has never dated you. Being a "lifeline" for a person like this is not good. He's not thinking clearly nor in a good mental space. The same goes for you, but for different reasons. Keep in mnd that anyone can feel great and "calming" when you haven't had a real relationship with them. You haven't seen all sides of him, don't know what it's like to be with him day to day, don't know how he deals with life If he has a substance abuse problem, you can be sure it woud not be an easy ride. If you don't want to be married, do the right thing and take concrete steps to end your marriage. It doesn't sound as though your husband is the right match for you or that you got married for the right reasons. This is going to set you up for a lifetime of thrill-chasing with other men, because you will never be really fulfilled with your marriage. Why drag out the inevitable? If you do end it, though, please understand that this other guy is likely not going to be you Happily Ever After either. There are many red flags, even apart from the infidelity. As an update he did check himself into rehab. I plan to look for therapists today but I do know, as I have for awhile that I need to end my marriage. I definitely got married for the wrong reasons and way too soon after my last situation ended. I appreciate the advice and lack of judgment. I feel horrible for carrying on an affair. I have some serious mental work to do on myself.
Anonymous Posted June 17 Posted June 17 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: I do not need to post because expat has said exactly what I would have said. Have you ever seen a cousellor OP? I’m concerned that you are choosing relationships/partners based on what feels “safe” to you - but both relationships sound like they are very unstable and full of drama. It sounds to me like you are perhaps repeating the patterns of your childhood in these relationships - I have to wonder if your definition of what feels good and “safe” is a little distorted. Based on what you have described, both men and both relationships have serious red flags. Counselling may be a good idea - if you have the option. I will be looking for therapists today. I know I have serious issues to consider someone like that a potential mate and reprieve. My husband isn’t the one for me but he deserves to be free to find someone who is. I do feel horrible for what I’ve done. Thank you for your help and lack of judgement.
BaileyB Posted June 17 Posted June 17 Best wishes to you. May you find the best path for yourself and a happy, healthy future.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18 Posted June 18 16 hours ago, Anonymous said: As an update he did check himself into rehab. That's a great step for him. But it will be a long time before he's truly reading for a relationship. He needs to focus on his sobriety, and you would need to see how he operates as a clean and sober person. You may even find that wihtout the influence of substances, he makes very different choices and won't want to puruse anything with a married woman. 16 hours ago, Anonymous said: I do know, as I have for awhile that I need to end my marriage This is likely going to be the best outcome for you and your husband. Neither of you would be happy long-term . You would be with someone you don't want to be with, and he would be completely aware that you don't love him that way. Set yourself free, and set him free in the process.
Anonymous Posted June 19 Posted June 19 21 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: That's a great step for him. But it will be a long time before he's truly reading for a relationship. He needs to focus on his sobriety, and you would need to see how he operates as a clean and sober person. You may even find that wihtout the influence of substances, he makes very different choices and won't want to puruse anything with a married woman. This is likely going to be the best outcome for you and your husband. Neither of you would be happy long-term . You would be with someone you don't want to be with, and he would be completely aware that you don't love him that way. Set yourself free, and set him free in the process. Ya I kinda think that will be the case. Substances were prob why he pursued me anyway knowing I was married… I haven’t spoke to him since rehab yesterday. Maybe this happened for a reason.
ShySoul Posted June 29 Posted June 29 You are a lifeline for him - you are helping get him clean of an addiction. That is a good thing. However, that is separate from the romantic feelings that are happening. At this point, neither of you are in a position to make it more. If something happens down the road when you are both free to explore it, so be it. But you both have your own issues to work out first. Also, if you admit he is player, then best thing is to not play the game. Let him get clean and then see if he would really be willing to commit. For now, you need to work on your marriage and see if you really do love him and want to be with him. Do you connect together - emotionally, mentally, physically? Do you have things in common, the same values and beliefs? Do you trust and understand each other? Not all marriages inspire butterflies and sparks of passion. Some are more laid back and inspire feelings of calm and serenity. It's up to you and your partner to determine if you have the kind of relationship that you both want and will make you happy and fulfilled. I hope you can figure that out.
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