OW10 Posted June 16 Posted June 16 Met someone 2 months ago who I believe is severely avoidant. Just here to hear from you and try to make sense of it. Seemed to click, good conversation although he immediately went on and on about his ex-wife (divorce 2 years ago) and her new boyfriend. I found him attractive, liked him because of things he does I look up to. Kind of put him on a pedestal.. He kept initiating dates, saying he wanted to see me again, although I could NOT read his body language and if he liked me or not, found me attractive or not.. He never gave any compliments, just about my body. Almost never texted me between dates and if he texted, it was about himself, never about me or my day. I myself am very empathic and insecure so throughout the dates did not get the feeling I could be myself because of my insecurities that crept up. I know I have a mediocre face but I do have a slender body, I'm intelligent enough with a good enough job but I'm not loaded with money, and my insecurities keep me from chasing dreams like playing the piano, singing or other stuff. So I don't have much to tell and I don't find myself very interesting. I kept questioning if he liked me because of the many hot and cold signs. Like I said, he never initiated text, but on the second date he kissed me. After that, every date was different in terms of affection. Sometimes all I got was a peck on the cheek, sometimes he wanted to cuddle and other times he was really affectionate, stroking my back or head. We also had sex a couple of times, not every time, because there was a lot of attraction. After the 7th date, he said he thought our dates were really fun and he wanted to keep doing stuff together, but he didn't want a relationship. I said I needed more to be happy. After I asked him why he couldn't commit, he said 'he hadn't seen enough of me' in whatever this was. He wants a women who is all over the place and very much 'present', which I wasn't. I often retreated myself because I wouldn't overload him with messages while he didn't send me any, I was quiet because I listened to his heartbreak story a lot and gave a lot of advice about the situation, and I didn't propose to do much except a couple of dates because I doubted if he really like me. I feel like an idiot for not showing who I am really, because I know amongst friends I can be fun and outgoing. Just don't know if it would have mattered with him.. I said I thought he wasn't emotionally available and I wasn't the first woman to say that, he said. He claims to only really fall for women who are very dominant and he chases them, but they on their hand mostly don't want anything serious. He said he was going to stay single because he wasn't ready or scared of real connection. After a week, today, I found his new profile on a dating app.. I'm just baffled and hurt, really. Is this avoidant behavior? Or did he just didn't want ME? Do they realise they hurt the people they try to have relationships with? Is it me, am I just too ugly and dull to ever be chosen as a partner?
flitzanu Posted June 16 Posted June 16 1 hour ago, OW10 said: After the 7th date, he said he thought our dates were really fun and he wanted to keep doing stuff together, but he didn't want a relationship. this is nothing to do with "avoidant" or whatever excuse people make for bad behavior, this is him being very clear that he is not interested in a relationship with you. it doesn't mean anything about you being "ugly" it just means either he does not want to date YOU in particular, or, it means he wants to continue dating other girls and not be tied down.
BaileyB Posted June 16 Posted June 16 (edited) 1 hour ago, OW10 said: Is this avoidant behavior? He sounds to me like a separated man who is not quite over his marriage/ready for another serious relationship but interested in playing the field a little bit to see what happens. He doesn’t sound avoidant as much as he sounds kind-of self-absorbed, luke-warm, and non-committal. Why does his lack of interest and commitment need to be a reflection of you and your self worth? Serious question - why are you trying to make this about you when sometimes it’s just about him and where he is at in his life… Kindly, I think you are overthinking this just a little too much… Edited June 16 by BaileyB
ShyViolet Posted June 16 Posted June 16 It really doesn't matter whether he is an "avoidant"; try to resist the urge to label people with pop psychology terms. It's not helpful. This guy was obviously not that into you. That's all you really need to know. He displayed some red flags early on which you ignored, such as talking a lot about his ex, and only talking about himself and not asking anything about you. These are things that most people would recognize as red flags or negative behaviors. You sound like you have very low self-esteem which is going to sabotage any relationship you have. I suggest you work on your self-esteem and underlying issues, instead of trying to analyze people with terms like "avoidant". You'll attract better quality people if you work on your own issues.
basil67 Posted June 16 Posted June 16 Not avoidant. Just not into you. And from your description, you don't sound like you were very into him either. Perhaps you would have showed who you really are if you liked him a whole lot more?
Sanch62 Posted June 17 Posted June 17 He was just a lousy match for you. The biggest telltale sign of a bad match is not feeling inspired to be yourself with them. Don't you deserve someone who clicks with you and brings out the best in you? Most people are just not our match; that's natural odds. So when someone doesn't see and appreciate you through the right lens, it speaks of their limits rather than a reflection on you. Don't put anyone on a pedestal or pretzel yourself to try to please. Learn the benefits of relaxing into who you are and allowing the RIGHT person to recognize you. Allow all others to pass early.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 17 Posted June 17 There are about five major, huge red flags just in your first few sentences. First of all, don't get lost in labeling him "avoidant" and so on. The category you want is: I feel great around him or I don't feel great around him. And he's available and highly responsible or he's not available or not highly responsive. Seemed to click, good conversation although he immediately went on and on about his ex-wife (divorce 2 years ago) and her new boyfriend. Game over right here. Guy complains about ex on a first date, that's a red flag. You do NOT want to see him again. He hasn't healed and he hasn't looked at his own role in the divorce. After all, he did CHOOSE this woman. I found him attractive, liked him because of things he does I look up to. Kind of put him on a pedestal. Nope, you cannot put someone on this kind of pedestal ... and even if this person has won a Nobel Prize, it's still the case that he on a first date complained about his ex. That's the maturity of a two-year-old. And look, I had an impossible ex and I knew not to complain about her when I started dating again after our divorce. And over time, I see how I was definitely as much of the problem as she was. He kept initiating dates, saying he wanted to see me again, although I could NOT read his body language and if he liked me or not, found me attractive or not. If you cannot read his body language, he isn't for you. His body language should be reassuring and should be flashing that he is really interested in you. He never gave any compliments, just about my body. Almost never texted me between dates and if he texted, it was about himself, never about me or my day. Every phrase here signals a red flag. You really want to stay away from people who exude distance and coldness. Now you're hurting because a wolf in the wild didn't follow up with you. Really you want to celebrate that the wolf has stopped targeting you as his prey. 1
Gebidozo Posted June 17 Posted June 17 He is not “avoidant” (a strange word to use in this context), he is just not really into you, and the two of you aren’t a good match. He said himself that he liked “dominant” (another strange choice of word to convey the intended meaning) women who like being “chased”. He clearly has emotional and commitment problems, and the fact that he keeps talking about his ex is a classic red flag. Move on and please don’t let this incident ruin your confidence. Most people out there aren’t our matches, that doesn’t mean that we are fundamentally unattractive. Keep searching and you’ll eventually find the right one. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17 Posted June 17 Another vote here for not avoidant. This was just lack of interest, and also this: 12 hours ago, OW10 said: I listened to his heartbreak story a lot and gave a lot of advice about the situation No, no, no. If someone you're trying to date is attempting to unload their heartbreak on you, don't play therapist. Instead, take it as your cue that this person isn't ready to date anyone else and is still hung up on their ex. This was a red flag. 1
Sanch62 Posted June 17 Posted June 17 12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: No, no, no. If someone you're trying to date is attempting to unload their heartbreak on you, don't play therapist. Instead, take it as your cue that this person isn't ready to date anyone else and is still hung up on their ex. This was a red flag. Yep, exactly. People unload heartbreak on neutral parties, like friends, therapists, and clergy--NOT someone they regard as a romantic interest. The notorious term 'friend zone' came about to warn people who orbit a love interest as a loyal audience and emotional bandage that this does not inspire romance from that person. Just the opposite. Consider the classic 'rebound,' where one who's still reeling from their breakup seeks comfort and healing through dating and sex. It's not always a deliberate attempt to use another person, but the outcome is the same. Some speech about how they're really not ready for a committed relationship and should've taken more time to find themselves after their breakup. Well, they only say that after they're done enjoying sex and benefits with you. Now they suddenly feel ready to go explore the multitudes of potential partners that may be available to them. So don't view this experience as a reflection on you or your ability to attract a good, healthy partner. Just don't date any more rebounders. You'll need to make that call yourself based on the calendar since their breakup and their lack of heartbreak behavior, as opposed to holding any naive belief that someone will say, "Oh, and I should warn you that I'm rebounding and still hung up on my ex..." Uhm...that won't happen.
Recommended Posts