Is my friend taking advantage?

June 13

There is someone I've been friends with a few years and during that time, I've done her many favours, mainly involving giving her lifts and driving her places. I even agreed to picking up her daughter from school once. There has been the odd time when she has given me money for fuel, which I appreciated. However, there has been a number of times when we have arranged to meet up and I've turned up, waited and messaged her asking her where she is. She has then messaged me back or rang me telling me she was no longer coming, because she was having a bad mental health day or was not feeling well. She had even said afterwards that despite that, I could go to her house and see her there. Although it bothered me, I never complained or got annoyed with her about it.

Recently, she randomly messaged me asking me if I was at home. I said yes and thought she was asking, because she wanted to see me. She asked if I could do her a favour. I told her it depends, because I have a therapy appointment coming up. She asked me if I could bring her washing powder, because she hasn't got any. She mentioned she has the money to buy some and said she has no time to get any over the next few days. I asked her where her partner was as he is unemployed and at home most of the time, she told me he had driven miles away to give someone a lift. I mentioned to her that the shop round the corner from her house sells washing stuff and she told me she can't leave the house as she is in the middle of a manic episode. She then basically told me to forget it. Later that day, she posted on Snapchat that she had left the house and walked to her daughter's school. I had noticed she hadn't mentioned any difficulties she might have faced with picking her daughter up when she had said she couldn't leave the house. I also saw her out walking with a friend the following day, so her saying she had no time to get some confused me.

I chose to distance myself while I was annoyed. She knew I was annoyed, because she messaged me a couple of days later saying she had seen me driving and I apparently looked on edge. So, I was honest with her and told I was annoyed with her asking me to bring her stuff and I felt like she was starting to take advantage of the fact that I have always been willing to help her and do her favours. I also mentioned that she is the only person who asks me for favours. She told me I was being insensitive and I clearly don't understand what a manic episode is, and she was able to leave the house later that day, because the routine reset her brain. She also told me I don't put enough effort into our friendship and she is always the one messaging me first and arranging things. I told her that wasn't true and reminded her of the times I've turned up to the meet ups we've arranged and she hasn't or she has cancelled on me with short notice. She said she is aware of the fact that I've been a good friend to her, but I clearly don't want to understand her or how she feels, and I'm using things against her. She said she couldn't be bothered and said goodbye to me and removed me off all social media.

I'm in disbelief that she was so quick to cut me off after years of friendship and everything I've done and all the times I was understanding with her when I could have gotten annoyed and stopped being her friend. I feel like she has taken advantage of my willingness to help her out. Does anyone agree?

June 13

Oh, I agree. And for your sake, I'm glad she overreacted and ended the friendship and saved you the awkwardness of having to do it.

I'm conflict-avoidant, so I wouldn't have had the courage to confront her as you did. But I would definitely have quietly ended the friendship if I were in your shoes.

June 13

18 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Oh, I agree. And for your sake, I'm glad she overreacted and ended the friendship and saved you the awkwardness of having to do it.

I'm conflict-avoidant, so I wouldn't have had the courage to confront her as you did. But I would definitely have quietly ended the friendship if I were in your shoes.

Thank you for your reply.

It hurts me that it's over, but I feel like her ending it as quickly as she did explains a lot. She didn't like the fact that I wasn't happy with what she said and I confronted her about it. If I can't have those conversations with her without her getting angry and trying to make out that I'm the bad person, then I suppose it isn't a friendship worth keeping.

Edited June 13 by AmyHershaw

June 13

If someone hides behind a banner of mental illness to justify calling you a jerk for not catering to them, I'd let them keep that.

Someone who is their own worst enemy doesn't make a good friend. The woman stands you up in public and asks you for things without appreciation on the regular. You've been far more tolerant of her than I could ever be. Head high.

June 13

4 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

If someone hides behind a banner of mental illness to justify calling you a jerk for not catering to them, I'd let them keep that.

Someone who is their own worst enemy doesn't make a good friend. The woman stands you up in public and asks you for things without appreciation on the regular. You've been far more tolerant of her than I could ever be. Head high.

Thank you for your reply.

At first, I felt bad for not believing her and thinking she was making excuses, but the fact that it's happened numerous times makes it more obvious that that is the case. I have mental health problems and wouldn't not turn up to meet ups or ask for favours.

I do believe she is her own worst enemy and if she continues to use people like that then she will drive people away. I was happy helping her out for so long, but it got to a point where enough was enough. And thank you, I try to be understanding and forgiving, and unfortunately people like her see that and take advantage.

June 14

Your (ex) friend is full of sh*t. I'd agree with her that she has some type of mental illness, and one of the symptoms is expecting people to kiss her a**. The reason she cut you off is that you called her out on her behaviour, she tried gas-lighting you but it didn't work, and so she had no other avenue but to stop speaking to you. There's a big chance she'll come sucking up to you when she thinks you've had time to forget how she behaved, and I hope that when she does you'll tell her to get over herself and get lost.

June 14

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Your (ex) friend is full of sh*t. I'd agree with her that she has some type of mental illness, and one of the symptoms is expecting people to kiss her a**. The reason she cut you off is that you called her out on her behaviour, she tried gas-lighting you but it didn't work, and so she had no other avenue but to stop speaking to you. There's a big chance she'll come sucking up to you when she thinks you've had time to forget how she behaved, and I hope that when she does you'll tell her to get over herself and get lost.

Thank you for your reply.

She definitely seems to think that the world owes her. And yeah, it explains a lot that the moment I put my foot down with her and told her I'm not happy, she falls out with me. I feel annoyed at myself for letting myself get taken advantage of, but at least she has now gone. And there is no coming back from this for her. It's unfortunately who she is and she won't change, especially since she doesn't see anything wrong with what she has done.

June 14

You are much better off without this person as a friend. There is no way I would have patience for her behavior. It sounds like she was definitely taking advantage of you, and using mental illness as an excuse. You don't need friends like this in your life.

If I were you, I wouldn't have waited for her to cut off the friendship, I would have lost patience for this much earlier and cut it off myself.

June 14

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You are much better off without this person as a friend. There is no way I would have patience for her behavior. It sounds like she was definitely taking advantage of you, and using mental illness as an excuse. You don't need friends like this in your life.

If I were you, I wouldn't have waited for her to cut off the friendship, I would have lost patience for this much earlier and cut it off myself.

Thank you for your reply.

Yeah, definitely. At first, I believed her and even though it slightly annoyed me, I was always understanding. When it started happening more often, that's when I stopped believing her. It frustrates me when people use mental health to excuse their poor treatment of others.

I guess I have more patience than what I realised haha.

Edited June 14 by AmyHershaw

June 16

See you received great answers here already. Lots of people have mental illnesses, I got to beat depression and anxiety, I'm sensitive, what can I say? Born this way. Doesn't help if you've been through a lot. If too stressed out my head start to spin and can't turn it off resulting in anxiety. Otherwise it is a pretty good brain to have, can't complain. If triggered in certain situations the anxiety returns, but for most part I'm good. I think what has eaten me away causing it is me staying in too unhealthy situations, for anyone, for too long. You too have stayed too long in a unhealthy friendship and you gave her an opportunity to change her ways, but she wouldn't. If she had not ended this thing, you had to end it for your own good.

Let's not forget, there are those who commit crimes and are in jail that too have mental illnesses. Sure, you are a victim of it, but you can also make other people victims of it when you behave all selfish and crazy. It is not all black and white.

Could be instead of having a good look at herself in the mirror and deal with the shame of what a bad friend she's been to you when you have been there for her, she projects it out so you become the bad guy in all this. She's not in a place of reasoning and taking her own responsibility. The thing is you can only do your part. She has to do hers in order for your relationship to be healthy, mentally speaking, for you both. Sure, you can carry the load, but only for so long yourself. It can be that once she, and if she, gets out of this state of hers that she sees things differently, will behave differently, the right way, and will do more than her part to rebuilt your relationship, but for now it is what it is.

Try to not think of it no more. Some friends you have is for a life time, some only a period of time.

I know of someone else (X) who struggles mentally and missed signs that someone else (T), also mentally ill, was not treating X right. I tried to get through. That was one of the things that X had as a backbone when finally having enough and decided to end the so called friendship. Only some people with mental illnesses they lead a pretty isolated life style so the danger is if they got no one else close enough to tell them what they are being subjected to isn't fair they stay longer and maybe never leave as they got no one else and they get to be too weak. You were strong enough to confront her. You will only get stronger in time now without being subjected to this anymore, you'll see

Edited June 16 by swirlingcloud

June 16

10 hours ago, swirlingcloud said:

See you received great answers here already. Lots of people have mental illnesses, I got to beat depression and anxiety, I'm sensitive, what can I say? Born this way. Doesn't help if you've been through a lot. If too stressed out my head start to spin and can't turn it off resulting in anxiety. Otherwise it is a pretty good brain to have, can't complain. If triggered in certain situations the anxiety returns, but for most part I'm good. I think what has eaten me away causing it is me staying in too unhealthy situations, for anyone, for too long. You too have stayed too long in a unhealthy friendship and you gave her an opportunity to change her ways, but she wouldn't. If she had not ended this thing, you had to end it for your own good.

Let's not forget, there are those who commit crimes and are in jail that too have mental illnesses. Sure, you are a victim of it, but you can also make other people victims of it when you behave all selfish and crazy. It is not all black and white.

Could be instead of having a good look at herself in the mirror and deal with the shame of what a bad friend she's been to you when you have been there for her, she projects it out so you become the bad guy in all this. She's not in a place of reasoning and taking her own responsibility. The thing is you can only do your part. She has to do hers in order for your relationship to be healthy, mentally speaking, for you both. Sure, you can carry the load, but only for so long yourself. It can be that once she, and if she, gets out of this state of hers that she sees things differently, will behave differently, the right way, and will do more than her part to rebuilt your relationship, but for now it is what it is.

Try to not think of it no more. Some friends you have is for a life time, some only a period of time.

I know of someone else (X) who struggles mentally and missed signs that someone else (T), also mentally ill, was not treating X right. I tried to get through. That was one of the things that X had as a backbone when finally having enough and decided to end the so called friendship. Only some people with mental illnesses they lead a pretty isolated life style so the danger is if they got no one else close enough to tell them what they are being subjected to isn't fair they stay longer and maybe never leave as they got no one else and they get to be too weak. You were strong enough to confront her. You will only get stronger in time now without being subjected to this anymore, you'll see

Thank you for reply.

I agree that I should've ended it a lot sooner. I gave her many chances, but I don't think she will change. If she can't see anything wrong with her actions, she will continue with the behaviour.

June 17

14 hours ago, AmyHershaw said:

Thank you for reply.

I agree that I should've ended it a lot sooner. I gave her many chances, but I don't think she will change. If she can't see anything wrong with her actions, she will continue with the behaviour.

That says something good about you in a way that it took you all this time, know in your heart you are a really good friend. It is too good that you think she won't change as this will make it easier for you to move on. Of course there will be grief, anger, that's only natural, but you will come out of it sooner. :)

June 25

On 6/13/2025 at 8:36 PM, AmyHershaw said:

There is someone I've been friends with a few years and during that time, I've done her many favours, mainly involving giving her lifts and driving her places. I even agreed to picking up her daughter from school once. There has been the odd time when she has given me money for fuel, which I appreciated. However, there has been a number of times when we have arranged to meet up and I've turned up, waited and messaged her asking her where she is. She has then messaged me back or rang me telling me she was no longer coming, because she was having a bad mental health day or was not feeling well. She had even said afterwards that despite that, I could go to her house and see her there. Although it bothered me, I never complained or got annoyed with her about it.

Recently, she randomly messaged me asking me if I was at home. I said yes and thought she was asking, because she wanted to see me. She asked if I could do her a favour. I told her it depends, because I have a therapy appointment coming up. She asked me if I could bring her washing powder, because she hasn't got any. She mentioned she has the money to buy some and said she has no time to get any over the next few days. I asked her where her partner was as he is unemployed and at home most of the time, she told me he had driven miles away to give someone a lift. I mentioned to her that the shop round the corner from her house sells washing stuff and she told me she can't leave the house as she is in the middle of a manic episode. She then basically told me to forget it. Later that day, she posted on Snapchat that she had left the house and walked to her daughter's school. I had noticed she hadn't mentioned any difficulties she might have faced with picking her daughter up when she had said she couldn't leave the house. I also saw her out walking with a friend the following day, so her saying she had no time to get some confused me.

I chose to distance myself while I was annoyed. She knew I was annoyed, because she messaged me a couple of days later saying she had seen me driving and I apparently looked on edge. So, I was honest with her and told I was annoyed with her asking me to bring her stuff and I felt like she was starting to take advantage of the fact that I have always been willing to help her and do her favours. I also mentioned that she is the only person who asks me for favours. She told me I was being insensitive and I clearly don't understand what a manic episode is, and she was able to leave the house later that day, because the routine reset her brain. She also told me I don't put enough effort into our friendship and she is always the one messaging me first and arranging things. I told her that wasn't true and reminded her of the times I've turned up to the meet ups we've arranged and she hasn't or she has cancelled on me with short notice. She said she is aware of the fact that I've been a good friend to her, but I clearly don't want to understand her or how she feels, and I'm using things against her. She said she couldn't be bothered and said goodbye to me and removed me off all social media.

I'm in disbelief that she was so quick to cut me off after years of friendship and everything I've done and all the times I was understanding with her when I could have gotten annoyed and stopped being her friend. I feel like she has taken advantage of my willingness to help her out. Does anyone agree?

I appreciate that you finally free yourself!

June 26

You have more room--and you need to seize that room--to be far more assertive and protective of your time and your interests.

She has then messaged me back or rang me telling me she was no longer coming, because she was having a bad mental health day or was not feeling well.

Look, part of deciding to be someone's friend is to evaluate whether they have the capability and stability and fundamental strengths required to be a friend. The most assertive and most kind people I know--would have stopped interacting with her when she stood you up without calling you. I've had all kinds of mental health disorders. They run in my family. You don't get a pass for standing people up. She was healthy enough to invite you over--after you called her when she stood you up. She's not bedridden.

You are under the mistaken view that you SHOULD tolerate her. No, you don't. First you don't totally know if she has a real mental issue. And if she does, she needs to fix that and to be honest with friends up front that she can't really commit to appointments and meetings. You're allowing yourself to be scammed.

When she stood you up--and you had to call her (it doesn't seem that she apologized profusely and convincingly)-- game over right there. She doesn’t have the capability to be a friend.

June 26

20 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You have more room--and you need to seize that room--to be far more assertive and protective of your time and your interests.

She has then messaged me back or rang me telling me she was no longer coming, because she was having a bad mental health day or was not feeling well.

Look, part of deciding to be someone's friend is to evaluate whether they have the capability and stability and fundamental strengths required to be a friend. The most assertive and most kind people I know--would have stopped interacting with her when she stood you up without calling you. I've had all kinds of mental health disorders. They run in my family. You don't get a pass for standing people up. She was healthy enough to invite you over--after you called her when she stood you up. She's not bedridden.

You are under the mistaken view that you SHOULD tolerate her. No, you don't. First you don't totally know if she has a real mental issue. And if she does, she needs to fix that and to be honest with friends up front that she can't really commit to appointments and meetings. You're allowing yourself to be scammed.

When she stood you up--and you had to call her (it doesn't seem that she apologized profusely and convincingly)-- game over right there. She doesn’t have the capability to be a friend.

Thank you for your reply.

I definitely felt like she was using bad mental health as an excuse and it was more of a case of she didn't want to make the effort to leave the house and travel to come and see me. The fact that she asked me to come to hers after telling me she couldn't come and meet me certainly implies that.

I believe she does have mental health issues, but it's certainly not an excuse to not turn up to a meet up you've arranged with a friend and not give them any notice. It's not an excuse to treat someone poorly in general. I feel like she does hide behind it sometimes and knows that if I get annoyed at her when she's claiming she's experiencing bad mental health, it'll make me look bad.

She was never really apologetic whenever she stood me up. She told me she felt bad one of the times she stood me up and I declined going to her house to see her. The truth is, she couldn't be bothered and she was projecting by telling me I didn't put enough effort in with her.

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