When a man only seems to like you for “how you make him feel”?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I have been dating a guy for just over a couple of months. He recently separated (less than a year ago) from his wife of 20 years, with his divorce now in its final stages. He shares 3 children with this person. He has made it clear to me that he feels nothing for his ex but strongly negative feelings: she left him for another man, but he then was the one to initiate the divorce soon after this. He is 43, I’m 35.

Things have been going really well for us; he makes his fondness of me clear and has treated me better than any boyfriend I’ve ever had. Something that both he and I have felt, which he’s often commented on, is the strong emotional connection we share: something both of us were severely deficient in from our former partners. It’s also very rare for me to find a guy that truly ‘gets’ me, which has added to my sincere fondness for him, in addition to all the great qualities that I often praise him on. We are not yet in “love”, but we’ve both said we can see it happening, but he has also said his heart is a little “defensive right now” from his divorce.

He asked me to become ‘official’ with him not too long ago, but I refused mainly due to an ongoing issue. This being, I often shower him with compliments and words of affirmation, but he never does this to me. I have spoken with him about this a few times, it’s been two months since our first conversation on this, and bless him he does try to change this, but to little fruition.

I have always put it down to the two of us having different love languages, and he has often said that he’s working on ‘expressing his feelings’ more. This is what was keeping me there; the notion that he does recognise things in me but simply has trouble expressing it.

However, it has recently come to my attention that he may not say anything nice because he doesn’t actually recognise anything. I have broached this with him and he tries to convince me I’m wrong, but the argument is unsupported since he can’t back it up with naming any good characteristics of mine at all.

He has often commented on how special I make him feel with my expressions of appreciation for him and all that he is, how he loves the way I listen to him intently when he talks to me and how I look at him with fondness, all of which makes him feel great. But when it comes to him showing me appreciation, he has nothing to say. In other words, he values how I value him, which seems to be the main reason behind his fondness for me.

Our mutual friends and my other friends often comment on how kind, empathetic and lovely I am, but he never does this. He seems to take me for granted for all the compliments I shower him with regardless of never getting any back from him, and enjoys my fondness for him while not appreciating me for who I am as it seems.

It feels invalidating of me as a person to be dating someone who is ‘blind’ to me, which is driving me away and I’m very close to ending it. But I’m wondering if I should give him a final opportunity to try to express his appreciation if it is there- he does treat me very well and says he appreciates me when I express my doubts that he does, but I am uncertain as to whether this is the case.

Are we doomed? 

 

Edited June 12 by babybrowns

[smackie9]

Maybe that was the reason why his wife went looking for another man...she wanted attention, wanted to feel desired, felt taken for granted. When you are a young woman in your 20's, you haven't learn "self worth" and your focus is getting a man and keeping a man....so you over look things because you keep chasing the carrot on a stick. BUT as 20 years go by,  you realize you have wasted your life pleasing a man and not getting much in return. So she found out what she has been missing out on and took the wrong steps but sounded like she was so deprived, she was swept right off her feet, throwing all common sense out the window...she wasn't gonna waste anymore time. 

As the saying goes, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. IMO he has a self focused personality. This doesn't make him a bad person, but this is just the way he is. You two are not compatible. You want a guy that is selfless, hopeless romantic, in tune with your femininity.  Right now there is just a bit of infatuation going on, and it's starting to wear off because you are starting to see the flaws/dealbreakers. 

Edited June 12 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

Is this is the same guy you were complaining was too effenimate in your last thread? 

I ask because you have also posted about this specific issue (the love languages) before, too. At what point do you stop picking out problems and realize this isn't the right man for you? 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

But I’m wondering if I should give him a final opportunity to try to express his appreciation if it is there-

What final opportunity?  You have already tried everything.... arguing with him about it, asking him over and over... and he just doesn't have it in him to give you what you want.  What more is there to say here?  If this is something that doesn't make you happy, then you need to end it.

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

but he has also said his heart is a little “defensive right now” from his divorce.

He is not ready to jump into another relationship right now so soon after the divorce, but you aren't facing that reality.

[BaileyB]

I agree with all the posts above. He is probably not an emotionally expressive person and he’s not likely to change his personality. If this is something that’s important to you, you may need to accept that you are not compatible. And, he’s likely not ready to commit to a serious relationship at this point in his life for obvious reasons - recently separated, now coparenting three children. Next. 

Edited June 12 by BaileyB

[basil67]

To be fair, how a person makes us feel is a very valid reason for  being with them.  You make me feel good, I'll stay.  If you make me feel like s***, I'll leave.

Anyway, words of affirmation are not my husband's thing either.  Or any boyfriend before him haha.  (Do any men do words of affirmation?)   But he shows his love and commitment to me and our family with quality time and being a good provider and father, and so I get by without compliments.  

Does he have other traits which you can find value in, or is lack of compliments a deal breaker?    

[Lotsgoingon]

If your alarms are going off, I say tread very carefully--good move to keep some distance.

I dated a woman who also said I made her feel great and yada yada and yes, I noticed that she didn't tell me what she really liked about me. In total contrast to previous partners. And when I brought this to her attention, she would speak out a list of qualities she liked in me. Previous partners didn't need to speak from a list--just spontaneously here and there, they would lay the compliments on me. 

So Ms. "I can list what I like" told me to not worry. 

Of course, she later dumped me, and admitted she felt something was missing from our connection.

So I say be careful. And frankly, I would not date people who are merely separated. I mean I would have "fun" with them. But as far as getting serious, people coming out of a divorce are often exhausted and mentally beaten down. So the presumption should be he's not ready. With his inability to compliment you spontaneously, that backs the presumption.

Keep your distance. You could be very peaceful for him to be around right now. People in his situation are often looking for a comfortable pillow. But as soon as they feel better, they throw that pillow to the floor and get up and go elsewhere.

 

 

[Sanch62]

Nobody can tell you how to feel about this or how important it is to you. That's private to you. 

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

But I’m wondering if I should give him a final opportunity to try to express his appreciation if it is there-

Well, this sounds strange; how would it go? "Here's an ultimatum: you'd better say something right now that makes me feel appreciated and fabulous, or I'm pulling the plug, and you're history, pal..."

Play out what you'd want to say, then decide the likelihood of him being able to muster up on the spot anything that can make you feel good about forcing him to say it.

I guess I'd need to weigh all the lovable things that make me happy with him and decide whether I'm sabotaging this with a raised antenna to this one specific thing. Decide what, exactly, you want him to say that he's not saying. Can you answer that? 

[Gebidozo]

Hmm.

So this guy tells you that you make him feel great. He treats you better than any other boyfriend. And he asked you to become official.

I’d say he is expressing something here, no?

To be honest, I find it a bit strange that you demand him to “shower you with compliments” because you do that to him and because all your friends think you are great. And I’d be definitely turned off if you gave me an ultimatum along the lines of “say that I’m great right now or else!..” It just doesn’t work like that.

I mean, if you like constantly praising him and he likes hearing that, no problem, but people are different and some don’t like saying such things. That doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling appreciation or admiration.

 

[harnold]

Im going to answer this from the perspective of a guy who sounds a bit like the guy youre dating (aka, I am the same type of guy as your bf).

 

I love my gf deeply, but I simply have trouble expressing myself as sweetly as she does.  Its just not in my nature.  Growing up, I never got a whole lot of compliments, and I dont think my mom has ever told me "I love you" nor really said anything positive about me.  Its not that she doesnt love me, or doesn't think highly of me, its just how she is.  So naturally, these traits have carried onto me.  It sounds very forced to me to say "I love you" to someone even when I feel it, or say super nice things to them because... its just feels weird.  Awkward.  Different and uncomfortable.  That wasnt my experience growing up.

 

When my gf asks me what my favorite thing about her is, I too tell her that its the way she makes me feel.  And I truly, truly mean that.  I really value the peace I feel with her, the affection/warmth, the comfort, because its not something I had much of growing up.  To me, its the ultimate compliment, and very heartfelt.  Again, saying super nice sweet things to me just seems... strange.  Its not my personal experience.

 

That being said, there are of course many things I love about my gf.  Her smile, her selflessness, her little foibles, her accent, and how she makes me feel at peace.  These are easy to express online typing to a stranger, but hard for me to express in person.  It just is what it is.

 

She too, sometimes doubts my feelings towards her, due to my lack of sweetness.  I often tell her to "try to judge me by how I act, not what I say/dont say".  Because in person, Im warm, cuddly, kissy, all that stuff and she loves it.  Im very comfortable doing that.  Certain things are just in my nature, and certain things aren't.  That doesnt mean I dont love her

 

I guess at the end of the day, its up to you if you want to accept him for how he is, and try to understand that, and perhaps make small steps over time where you both can meet more in the middle and be more understanding of each other.  But if thats too difficult for you, then that is your call as well what you want to do.  I am just writing the post as someone who identifies with your man, as someone who is dating someone like you OP, and yet, we've managed to make it work in this respect.  It all comes down to us understanding each other, our backgrounds/upbringings, our cultures, our love languages, our attachment styles, and just being more aware / understanding of these things when feeling friction with each other.  Seeing where they're coming from etc... as opposed to writing them off as being too "xyz".  It does come down to your ability to be understanding of his / your own inclinations, or whether youre even willing to do so as opposed to find someone else more like yourself.  Up to you to decide. Good luck.

[swirlingcloud]

I'm wondering if I missed something here, if I have, I apologize. You wrote the two of you have a different love language, so which is his? Could you please clarify what love language does he have then, as it is not the expressive kind in words that you are looking for? Is it physical? Is he doing things for you? How does he show his love, affection for you? I see him wanting to go official is one sign.

I have an ex who used all these fancy big words, great, right, only the thing was because of how he treated me and simply was himself the words were empty to me. Moved on (He still kept using words after the split. He seemed surprised his old tool wasn't working no more, air).

I met another, married to today, and yes, we both like to talk, but I would say the compliments were few coming from him, but real, in the beginning ,then he shut down, but he always showed off his love language that he does have, in other ways. 

Being how I was back then I still stared too much at our other issues. I unfortunately am to blame for minimizing all the other ways continued to show he loved me, his way. When it came to that he was by far the champion, I came slowly pacing behind. 

I get your point that he likes to be around you for how you make him feel, but why does his own natural love language for you not make you feel secured enough of his love? Would words fix that? Or do you have something yourself, may not be a divorce, that frightens you too, from taking a step closer to him? Could it be you are both the same? You're 35, maybe you've been through something yourself that's triggering? 

It could be, me too loving words, would have had a stronger reaction than I had when getting that my husband was not  using words like my ex did, but honestly, I was only pleased he wasn't like my ex who had showed me in actions how his so called love for me truly was like and what he was really about. If there is no action  behind the words they don't mean anything. How solid are the actions behind the words? That depends on who is using the same words, right? It could be abusive words too, if you get to hear that a lot and then all the great big lovely words coming from the same source, maybe you will get to the point that you don't care that much for words as a way, source, to use for how much you love someone or that someone loves you? So it is really down to his own relationship with words, where does that come from? What's his earlier experiences of it? Could be all this happened a long time ago and it's gotten to be his normal so he is not aware, exactly, on the why. That does not mean he is stupid for not using words as his tool. Does not mean he don't love you the same you do him. In fact he can even at this stage love you more than you do him. 

If you keep on criticizing him like this then it will minimize him, if you haven't already done that. If he then does start using words the way you want him to you may now look at it as staged. At this point I can't see how he will win this, turn this around, no matter, if you yourself don't (like me before) change the attitude, let bygones be bygones. He's just gone through a divorce. He was left for another man. Try to take it easy for now. I know you don't want to wait and have his needs all fulfilled and not yours, but I'm thinking if he is so kind or so scared to not tell you, if he now has this other love language, that you do not fulfill him on that one? Or maybe he gets it, he accepts you don't have his love language, and don't point that out. 

We've gone through discovering my husband has autism and many things are now falling into place. Things that has been really difficult for me to go through that now has a different meaning to them, sort of rewriting the script.  

When he would try to change himself, such as in him complimenting me more, or him behaving in a way that's way better, how it should be, by my standard, when we to use an example are at the same social function, my reaction to this would be that it felt staged and forced and this is not how I had wanted it be. Too I would think too little too late. I would stab down any attempt on him when he was in fact doing things right, that I had longed for, that I could see other women taking for granted. I would put myself through it and still feel like I wanted to be somewhere else because all it did was remind me, I was not letting go of the past. Of my old hurt. When I was trying to, making myself more vulnerable to it, I would experience anxiety, so I thought no matter what I can't win this.  So by now he was doing this thing right, but I wasn't. I still had everything swirling around me. I wasn't ready yet. He said that's OK, we'll keep trying. He's still like that. 

What I am starting to slowly understand myself is that yes, this was something he did wrong in the past. Why? Was it against me? What he has always said later is that to please believe him, he never meant for it to be that way. It was a mix of how he had himself been raised and his autism. 

When he did do these things right after me explaining what they all meant, the signal for this, the code for that, a part of me was frustrated, angry, hurt, scared, that should I really had to explain these, to me, simple instructions. But yes, of course I had to, because nobody else had. He could not on his own discover them. I would think but can't you copy what everyone else does? Adapt to that? But he would not know what they meant, when to do it. He could not read about them. He had nowhere to go.

It got even more frustrading as I understood not only had he not been taught these things that to me should be the basic of how you raise a child to behave, a child one day becoming a man,  you want him to do well, no? Nobody's going to tell him he's doing it wrong but he will be excluded one way or another. Not only that but he had been taught things that was so wrong, for it to be right. So it wasn't just me trying to teach him something new. I had to un-teach him something wrong, it was no empty plate there before, that he had been raised to believe was right and would fight me on. I did not like it either because now it felt like I was the parent and he was the child. I did not know how we were going to change this thing around to become this romantic couple, refer to one another as that. 

What was different though was that he got analytic about it. He did not get anxiety and get defensive like he used to before. So now we're on a roll. I can't say I'm there yet as in me not being triggered by situations that has caused me in the past  terrible memories I could sure have done without, but I am learning to trust him more and more, and hopefully I'm letting go more and more. But I have to be active in me too letting go, you read me? Meaning not going back to my old ways of hurt and thoughts that were not resolved for a long time. If I could I would have us jump on a time machine and go back to all these unhappy memories and see how he would do them now. My biggest problem as for now is me, not him. 

If you do know you love him and you know he loves you, you ought to feel safe in that, but you don't. You want him to be like you. To tell you what you tell him. For him to act like you, to you. But you have your own background and meaning to what it means to you, what you give to him. It can be different for him, different experiences leading up to different types of behavior. 

For you two to move forward I think you have to dig into what words mean to him and why, be interested in that, learning that, and then understand it has nothing to do with you. Nothing. Has nothing to do with how he feels or doesn't feels for you.

If you now are so emphatic as you say your friends think you are, you too have to live up to the name of recognizing someone who is different to you but may still when it all comes around be the same as you. You too have to step up your game. I too have heard I'm emphatic. You think that helped? Didn't help a darn thing. With my emphatic quality that I was suppose to have I still did not use it the right way. So emphatic or not emphatic, that alone, I had no use for as I wasn't doing anything else right. i was not using it how I should. You don't get it for free.  You have to use it right. You have to make a conscious active decision to pick that empathy-tool right up and using it right. Does no good for you there at the bottom of the toolbox. If you are sensitive like me is it such a great gift always? Or is it locking you in you experience more intense your own feelings to the point that you can't get out of it enough to recognize someone else's? How emphatic is that? You're not gonna win no prices with that one. 

One thing that is working for me is that I take a step back, don't let my emotions, my needs take the best of me, but think of him as a friend. As a co-parent. Think that he could be our child, having the same (genetic).  I should be curious about him, our child will too benefit from that (genetic). I have to learn. I have to do my part. Or else I will fail both ways. 

I know if you may think you can't do this because after all how much are you suppose to do now that you are hurting this way? It is about leaving that, if only for a while, and practice, looking at it from a different perspective. I have felt safe when I look at him as a friend and co-parent because when we're both analytical together it feels safe. Safe area. New information coming through. Discovering that. Let it take time, work in the right direction, work together. Take a break. Let him do his thing. You do yours. Breath in between. Focus on what works, what's fun. Go back. Work some more. And so on.

I know the simple way about all this is me coming in here saying you're right about this and how dare he, and yes, you are right, right, right - .but how does that save your relationship? How does that save you? It is of no help to you, to him, to you as a couple. It is not about being right. It is about understanding and moving forward together. If you feel like no, you're wrong, I'm leaving him, sure, you do that. You go out there and you find someone who has your exact relationship with words and using the exact love language if you think that will make you happy and make you think you are in it for a life long success on that alone. Relationships take work, on yourself, on him, on you both, and to be frank you have not described what's so wrong about him, besides his lack of use of words, that you should leave him. Me and my ex we were right about the words, and nothing else. Just saying. You have to have more than that. The way I see it my husband has always been a way better human being than what my ex was like, regardless of our relationship or not. 

I'm no expert in this, I do not tell you this me being a perfect human being who lives in this perfect marriage with the perfect past, so you chose yourself what my words are worth to you, but what I am trying to do here is help you. I'm sorry if I have to critique you while doing so, but I'm hoping you understand I have no ill intent. I wish you the best. 

You got to figure out if you do want to stay and too for your own sake if you do leave and in time find another that why are you not safe with a man who is not using words the way you do? Is there something you can become aware of as in being your problem and remove it? Or is it entirely the other guy's fault? If you would have experienced my ex, for instance, you would know that no words in the world would make you feel safe and loved with that guy (Sorry, ex, but that's the truth). 

 

 

[introverted1]

On 6/12/2025 at 8:51 AM, babybrowns said:

He recently separated (less than a year ago) from his wife of 20 years, with his divorce now in its final stages. He shares 3 children with this person.

Given all this, I find it amazing he has the bandwidth to be in a new relationship at all. If I were you, I'd be far less concerned about his lack of compliments than that he is not ready for a serious relationship and that I might be a rebound. 

[Gaeta]

Why are you dating a man barely out of a 20 year marriage?

He cannot give you compliments or truly express what he likes about you because he's emotionally empty from his divorce. He's not ready or has anything to 'give' at this moment. He has a void and you fill that void, that's why he can only concentrate on how you make him feel. You make him feel better compare to when nothing fills that void. That's why we don't date people barely out of marriages. With all the dating experience you have accumulated so far, surely you knew that.