Lael Posted June 12 Posted June 12 I connected with this guy online. We met and have since been chatting on the phone texting for several weeks. In one of our early phone conversations we agreed we had established the basis for a friendship. No talk about taking things more serious (although that’s both our intents based on our dating profile). A lot of his texts were him telling me what he’s doing, I figured friends do that. But it was every little thing (I’m delivering a leadership meeting today, I’m going on a hike, going to dinner with friends, going to a conference next week…). I was starting to think he doesn’t have time for a friendship. Last Friday he texted me saying he was visiting a friend, I didn’t feel the need to respond. Then he ghosted me for 5 days. Just got a text from him tonight saying, “It seems like this might not be a good time for either of us to start a serious relationship. He’s glad he met me and hope to remain friends in some way.” I thought that’s what we established we were. So I’m wondering how to respond. And I can make my own decision if I’m ready for a serious relationship, I don’t need him making that determination for me. So wondering, how do I respond or do I respond. I don’t want to ghost him, but not sure what to say. Quote
Sony12 Posted June 12 Posted June 12 11 minutes ago, Lael said: I connected with this guy online. We met and have since been chatting on the phone texting for several weeks. In one of our early phone conversations we agreed we had established the basis for a friendship. No talk about taking things more serious (although that’s both our intents based on our dating profile). A lot of his texts were him telling me what he’s doing, I figured friends do that. But it was every little thing (I’m delivering a leadership meeting today, I’m going on a hike, going to dinner with friends, going to a conference next week…). I was starting to think he doesn’t have time for a friendship. Last Friday he texted me saying he was visiting a friend, I didn’t feel the need to respond. Then he ghosted me for 5 days. Just got a text from him tonight saying, “It seems like this might not be a good time for either of us to start a serious relationship. He’s glad he met me and hope to remain friends in some way.” I thought that’s what we established we were. So I’m wondering how to respond. And I can make my own decision if I’m ready for a serious relationship, I don’t need him making that determination for me. So wondering, how do I respond or do I respond. I don’t want to ghost him, but not sure what to say. Simply say I agree or I had the same feeling. You two barely interacted and never even made plans to meet so it isn't that big of a deal. 2 Quote
ShyViolet Posted June 12 Posted June 12 I'm confused about the whole situation. You say that you both had the intent to date. But you both never pursued that, and instead you had a friendship in which you sent each other very mundane, platonic texts for several weeks. So did you want to date this guy, or not? It sounds like there was never any chemistry for dating or a romantic relationship here. So you haven't lost anything. 2 Quote
Author Lael Posted June 12 Author Posted June 12 Nope, haven’t lost anything. Am I’m confused by his text too. Just wondering how to respond is all. Quote
basil67 Posted June 12 Posted June 12 1 hour ago, Lael said: Nope, haven’t lost anything. Am I’m confused by his text too. Just wondering how to respond is all. My response would be to leave him on read. Then block/unfollow him 2 Quote
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12 Posted June 12 I don't think there is anything to respond to. You don't sound interested in him, so I would just leave it there. Quote
Acacia98 Posted June 12 Posted June 12 2 hours ago, Lael said: . Last Friday he texted me saying he was visiting a friend, I didn’t feel the need to respond. Then he ghosted me for 5 days. Just got a text from him tonight saying, “It seems like this might not be a good time for either of us to start a serious relationship. He’s glad he met me and hope to remain friends in some way.” I thought that’s what we established we were. So I’m wondering how to respond. And I can make my own decision if I’m ready for a serious relationship, I don’t need him making that determination for me. So wondering, how do I respond or do I respond. I don’t want to ghost him, but not sure what to say. I'm guessing he was meeting and dating others. And that person he was visiting last Friday was probably one of them. Maybe things went well with her and he decided to focus on her. That message he sent you might have been a generic message he sent everyone else. If I were you, I'd respond with a thumbs-up or a one-line acknowledgement of his message and move on. He obviously didn't make much of an effort, but I've learned to appreciate people who take the time to shut the door instead of just ghosting others. 1 Quote
smackie9 Posted June 12 Posted June 12 (edited) You guys sound like you were both expecting more effort from each other and it fell flat. Block/delete. nothing more to see here. Edited June 12 by smackie9 Quote
Sanch62 Posted June 13 Posted June 13 22 hours ago, Lael said: ... chatting on the phone texting for several weeks. Why? If your goal is to date, why not suggest a quick meet over coffee to check one another out within the first week? I'd use this experience as my pointer to why it's important to meet quickly. From there, you can screen a person into or out of your dating pool without the limbo of making messaging into a habit. 1 Quote
Gebidozo Posted June 13 Posted June 13 22 hours ago, Lael said: So wondering, how do I respond or do I respond. Respond “Ok, no problem” or something like that. The thing is that, when two people become friends, they don’t say “let’s just be friends”. Those words are only uttered following a failed attempt at romance. I have the feeling that you both did expect something more romantic from each other, and things got awkward when nothing developed. No wonder, since you never even met. No real romance can ever develop out of mere epistolary exercises. Next time, set up a meeting as soon as you can and don’t waste your time on pointless platonic chitchat. Quote
Author Lael Posted June 13 Author Posted June 13 On 6/11/2025 at 8:27 PM, Lael said: I connected with this guy online. We met and have since been chatting on the phone texting for several weeks. In one of our early phone conversations we agreed we had established the basis for a friendship. Hey Sanch62 and Gebibozo. We did meet (I said that in my post). And we decided to be friends (also stated in my post). I said I wasn’t wanting more, he didn’t say otherwise and agreed to being friends. Although maybe he did want more and never said, and just agreed to be friends to keep me in his life Quote
Author Lael Posted June 13 Author Posted June 13 13 hours ago, Gebidozo said: The thing is that, when two people become friends, they don’t say “let’s just be friends”. Those words are only uttered following a failed attempt at romance. I don’t agree with that statement. Life isn’t that cut and dried. And if a romance failed I’d never ‘utter’ the phrase, “Let’s just be friends.” Quote
Sony12 Posted June 13 Posted June 13 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Lael said: Hey Sanch62 and Gebibozo. We did meet (I said that in my post). And we decided to be friends (also stated in my post). I said I wasn’t wanting more, he didn’t say otherwise and agreed to being friends. Although maybe he did want more and never said, and just agreed to be friends to keep me in his life Did you two get physical on your meet up and did you bring up the friendship line or did he? Saying the word let's mainly be friends is often viewed as a nice way of letting someone know that you aren't interested. Even if that isn't the case a 100% of the time it's often viewed that way. Edited June 13 by Sony12 Quote
Author Lael Posted June 13 Author Posted June 13 (edited) Nope, we weren’t physical, that’s not how I roll. I was the one who said that we have established a friendship, and he said he agreed. That was it. Our conversations since were very friendship based, never any talk about anything more serious. And the chats we did have were how I talk to my other friends. It seemed like we did have a friendship. Edited June 13 by Lael Quote
Lotsgoingon Posted June 13 Posted June 13 Heads up, you become friends with someone over time. You don't "decide" to be friends. Friendship grows gradually. Can take years for a friendship to emerge. The friendship is only as stable as the trust each person has for the other--which can only be developed over time and through multiple circumstances, good and bad. So you apparently think announcing "we are going to friends" means that you are friends. Means nothing of the sort. BTW: I can't tell you the number of times when early on, I said, oh this person is going to be a serious friend. And I was wrong. On the other side, tons of time I didn't think much of someone when I met them and the friendship emerged. Again over time. You guys were NEVER friends. You were not even acquaintances. What your experience shows is that you didn't have (so far) real friendship chemistry. Quote
Sony12 Posted June 13 Posted June 13 10 minutes ago, Lael said: Nope, we weren’t physical, that’s not how I roll. I was the one who said that we have established a friendship, and he said he agreed. That was it. Our conversations since were very friendship based, never any talk about anything more serious. And the chats we did have were how I talk to my other friends. It seemed like we did have a friendship. Yeah I don't know how interested in him you really were but if you are interested in someone it's usually good to not use the word friends or friendship. People easily take that as a not interested signal. Quote
Sony12 Posted June 13 Posted June 13 2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Heads up, you become friends with someone over time. You don't "decide" to be friends. Friendship grows gradually. Can take years for a friendship to emerge. The friendship is only as stable as the trust each person has for the other--which can only be developed over time and through multiple circumstances, good and bad. So you apparently think announcing "we are going to friends" means that you are friends. Means nothing of the sort. BTW: I can't tell you the number of times when early on, I said, oh this person is going to be a serious friend. And I was wrong. On the other side, tons of time I didn't think much of someone when I met them and the friendship emerged. Again over time. You guys were NEVER friends. You were not even acquaintances. What your experience shows is that you didn't have (so far) real friendship chemistry. Most people paying for these online dating sites aren't looking for friendship from the people they meet. They are looking for chemistry. Quote
Sanch62 Posted June 13 Posted June 13 1 hour ago, Lael said: Hey Sanch62 and Gebibozo. We did meet (I said that in my post). And we decided to be friends (also stated in my post). I said I wasn’t wanting more, he didn’t say otherwise and agreed to being friends. Although maybe he did want more and never said, and just agreed to be friends to keep me in his life Sorry about that. Lots of people tend to use the word 'met' when they just mean online. Meeting IRL doesn't seem to occur to them. Well, meeting a match from a dating site that ends in "Let's just be friends..." is a euphemism for "We're not a match..." So I'd either skip a response to this text or just say, "Okay, it was nice meeting you." I'd also skip trying to form friendships out of nixed romantic matches. I might say "Sure," in the moment to avoid awkwardness, but then I'd phase out on them. There's no 'there' there; have you noticed? It just wastes time you could spend on finding a better match. Quote
Author Lael Posted June 13 Author Posted June 13 (edited) I responded with, “Understood, thx.” No response seems immature [ ] Edited June 13 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility Quote
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