Anonymous Posted June 11 Posted June 11 Seeking some advice as to whether I should be concerned with the downward trend of intimacy between my wife and I, or is it just normal at our stage in life. Everything about our relationship and our life together in general is pretty amazing otherwise. We met in our early 30's and are now nearing 40. The first few years, we could hardly make it out of the bedroom. She initiated constantly, was spontaneous and even risky at times. She enjoyed teasing, dressing up for me etc. to get things going. Anytime we were apart we would message each other and it usually turned suggestive. I was very happy with how things were going, in fact sometimes her drive seemed to be greater than mine. Then after 2-3 years together, once we moved in and were spending more and more time together, it started to slow down quickly. Our relationship was still great, we were and still are best friends that do everything together and we enjoy all our time together. We have 5 kids and share equally in the household tasks. At first I was still trying for intimacy daily or almost daily, but she started to refuse which got me discouraged. She stopped putting in the effort and initiating like she did in the beginning. When we discussed it, she explained that as our relationship has matured, she wanted to spend more time together doing other things which made sense, so I tried to suppress my appetite and my expectations somewhat. Now another 2-3 years have passed and the trend has continued. We are down to having intimacy 1-2 times a week on average. There's no longer any suggestive messages, teasing, dressing a certain way, being spontaneous or any of that. If I want intimacy I have to initiate it in the bedroom at the end of the day and put in all the effort. Any other attempts are met with a "not right now". Don't get me wrong, she hasn't gone completely cold on me, as we still have plenty of physical contact throughout the day. We still go on dates a couple times a month, we have one night a week with no kids in the house. We have a great time together, but there is a lack in passion from her. She always claims to have no energy, to be too tired to initiate or put in the effort. She won't necessarily turn me down, but also seems like she doesn't care either way if we make anything happen or not. I feel like if I didn't keep trying we would go for months. It's not all that bad right now but I worry if the trend will continue this way. I have a fairly high drive still and would not be happy staying in a sexless marriage. I do everything I can to make sure her needs are met emotionally and she says she is extremely happy with everything. I also take care of myself and go to the gym to stay in shape, hoping that she won't lose attraction for me and make the situation even worse. She just never seems to have the energy or desire for anything. Is this normal for women approaching 40 or should I be concerned with the trajectory of our marriage?
BaileyB Posted June 12 Posted June 12 (edited) 22 hours ago, Anonymous said: Is this normal for women approaching 40 or should I be concerned with the trajectory of our marriage? My research tells me that the average for couples in their 40’s is about once a week, so I think you are doing fine. As to her lack of interest and initiation, I would say that the woman is raising five young children and she is approaching perimenopause… I think these two things explain why she is not initiating sex the way that she was when you first got together and married in your early 30’s. She must be absolutely exhausted and her body has changed a lot since you first started dating. Not to dismiss your concerns, but nothing you describe about your wife and your marriage seem unusual or unreasonable to me. Edited June 12 by BaileyB 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 12 Posted June 12 First of all, one to two times a week for a married couple is pretty dang great. One to two times a week with five children is totally dang great. One thing jumped at me. ... we were and still are best friends that do everything together and we enjoy all our time together. Uh, erotic attraction is based on people being different and having some distance. The distance is what makes room for attraction. If you're spending all your time together, that is not the right environment for having enough separation to want to go towards each other physically. You're always all the time up on each other! And look with five kids, you sure your wife isn't exhausted. I assume she's doing much of the caretaking--if your household is like many households. Taking care of the house and taking care of children is totally a destroyer for erotic energy. So you might want to see if there is a way to give her more free time and space. 1
Gebidozo Posted June 13 Posted June 13 On 6/11/2025 at 8:29 PM, Anonymous said: We are down to having intimacy 1-2 times a week on average. On 6/11/2025 at 8:29 PM, Anonymous said: I have a fairly high drive still and would not be happy staying in a sexless marriage. This is like saying “I have 1-2 meals every day, I have a fairly high appetite and would not be happy starving”. I think that 1-2 sexual encounters a week for a couple that has been together 5-6 years and has 5 kids is quite a lot. 1
ShyViolet Posted June 13 Posted June 13 On 6/11/2025 at 8:29 AM, Anonymous said: I have a fairly high drive still and would not be happy staying in a sexless marriage. I don't know why you're saying this, when it's not a sexless marriage by any means. 1-2 times a week is pretty decent for a marriage in which you have 5 kids. It sounds like she is trying her best to juggle everything. There are people on here who post situations where they have a truly sexless marriage, where they have zero intimacy for months or even years. This is far from a situation like that. 1
MsJayne Posted June 13 Posted June 13 Five kids and you're complaining that you 'only' get sex twice a week? Are you for real? I'm surprised she's not needing electrolyte IV drips and counselling for stress. How often does your wife get a whole day to herself? A whole day, where no one is making any demands on her or her body? Wake up and stop drinking Me Me Me juice. 2
Els Posted June 16 Posted June 16 (edited) On 6/11/2025 at 10:29 PM, Anonymous said: We have 5 kids Yikes. We all make tradeoffs in life. Generally speaking, with each kid that you have, you're going to be trading spare time and energy - including time and energy for sex. If you chose to have FIVE kids, then it sounds like you've made your choice. Also 1-2 times a week is statistically the average for long-term couples (most of whom, by the way, do not have 5 kids!!!). Sorry, dude, but I think you need to grow up, accept the choices you've made, and be an adult for your kids. Life isn't just about you and your desires. Especially not when you and your wife brought 5 humans into the world and are now responsible for them. Edited June 16 by Els
Will am I Posted June 17 Posted June 17 On 6/11/2025 at 2:29 PM, Anonymous said: We have 5 kids and share equally in the household tasks. 5 kids and half the household tasks associated with 5 kids is a massive burdain. Not a very playful situation to be in, more like a very devoted and hard working situation. On 6/11/2025 at 2:29 PM, Anonymous said: Now another 2-3 years have passed and the trend has continued. We are down to having intimacy 1-2 times a week on average. Given your age, the age of the relationship and and your family situation the frequency doesn't seem too low. On 6/11/2025 at 2:29 PM, Anonymous said: There's no longer any suggestive messages, teasing, dressing a certain way, being spontaneous or any of that. If I want intimacy I have to initiate it in the bedroom at the end of the day and put in all the effort. Any other attempts are met with a "not right now". If I were to judge, I would consider this part about her seemingly losing interest no longer taking any initiative to be much more painful than the decreased frequency. It seems you are doing your part, but maybe take it one step beyond. Do you have the opportunity to arrange for a babysitter en go out and date your wife?
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