befuddled

[topsy turvy 2]

First relationship after the death of my husband. It lasted over 4 years. It was on again/off again. I realize that I'm not perfect. But I tolerated broken promises, physical and verbal abuse, (sometimes in front of my children) and being lied to. Often when caught in a lie, he sat there and continued to insist otherwise or compound the lie. One lie took me over a year and a half to find out the truth. He said that he'd met someone online during the time his marriage was dissolving (prior to me) and that he loved this girl enough to marry her sight unseen. He said she died in a car accident on her way to meet him for the first time. I asked him how long he grieved for her. He said that in some ways he felt he still was grieving. I found it particularly cruel to find out this was a lie, this girl never died. I was widowed when I met him and he knew this. His excuse; she hurt me so bad, in my mind she did die. During our subsequent separations, he'd contact her online.

 

I had 5 b-days while this person was in my life. I received a gift for only one of them; roses he picked up while at the grocery w/his children. My last b-day, he went from sending me an e-mail saying happy b-day, love you, to an hour and a half later calling me a selfish bitch on the phone. The other years, empty promises, once of giving me his extra stereo which had never been connected, then failed to do so. Or he'd instigate a break up prior to the date. One year when he did this, he made sure we were back together by Thanksgiving, week after b-day, as he had nowhere else to go. The stats, 1 of 5 b-days, 2 of 4 Christmas', 1 of 4 Valentine's Days, 0 Easters-though I made baskets for him and his children. I'd ask him why he couldn't put some small thing in my Easter basket. He said he guessed he should've, then didn't on subsequent years. He often said he didn't have the money or couldn't afford to do anything for me. His daughter's b-day was 13 days before mine. He always managed to do for her and to at least send his mother a card around her b-day. My children and I didn't even rate that much. I'd even tell him that he could get a card at the dollar store for fifty cents. And that if he didn't have money, he could do something that showed that I was special w/out having to spend money. All to no avail. One year when I gave his daughter b-day presents, he said I didn't have to do that. I thought, just because you don't, doesn't make it right. I didn't say anything, as I didn't want to tarnish him in his children's eyes or let them see him as he really was.

 

I'd realize this wasn't what I wanted, would say something to anger him and he'd call it off. I never had the backbone to say this isn't what I want and I'm unhappy, good bye. Then, I'd always cave if he contacted me. Or I'd think I missed him and would contact him.

 

During the time I knew him, I never saw him go out of his way for anyone else. But he would accept other people's kindnesses w/out any thought or intent of reciprocation. Plus, he was rarely there in a crisis, whether it was for myself or his family. His daughter had to be taken to the hospital from an urgent care to be sedated to see if a bone could be manipulated back into place, w/out having to do surgery. Although he was able to be there for her, he went home and watched the Cubs in the play offs for the World Series instead. I told him his daughter was in the hospital and as a parent, his place was to be there w/her. He said her mom was there and there was no point in his losing his sleep too. When one of my children had to have surgery, he didn't show. When my sister died, he didn't even go to a showing w/me though he said he would. And there were many other instances when he should've been by my side and wasn't.

 

His take on reality is what he makes up. He's a sociopath. There's no right or wrong, just what he wants to do. He rarely apologized for his behavior and often came up w/lame excuses of why he did or said mean things or say that he was just kidding. Someone else described him as narcissistic. The heirarchy was him, his children, (who the sun rose and set on) then me. My children were rarely a consideration in his mind. Also, he's extremely lazy. The last couple of times he was at my house, I'm out shoveling snow while he goes inside and naps. Same w/staining the deck, he's inside watching a baseball game. All these incidents happened during the weekday when he should've been at work anyway. He works in sales and only puts in about 20 hours a week, yet takes home a full time pay. I feel that this is the same as embezzling. He's always put in as little effort as possible, the same as in our relationship. And would use any excuse not to go to work. Most days, he'd go home in the afternoon and nap.

 

A couple of days after the last time we were together, he was spending the night w/someone else. Often when we broke up and probably while we were together, he looked for greener pastures. When he didn't find one, he'd always get back in touch w/me. This time he found one. I realize that this guy probably has the peter pan syndrome and I know that I'm better off w/out this person in my life. I don't understand why it hurts so much. Or why I'm wasting so much of my time and energy aching over someone of his caliber. Or am I more upset over the dream I wanted it to be rather then what it really was?

 

I'm sorry this has been such a lengthy post. I was thinking of posting a web page and calling it (his name) relationship survivor web page.

[fooled]

Your ex seems to be the male counterpart of mine.

 

I think you are missing who you wanted him to be instead of who is he. You are missing intimacy and the little things that you did together that felt intimate. Like they were your own.

 

They weren't.

 

This man is good for no one but himself.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Hurting as badly as I am, in fact. They aren't worth the trouble. In fact, if I was still in contact with my ex, she would TELL me that she isn't worth getting this upset about.

 

You have a lot of love to give. Stop giving it to this man. He deserves himself.

[topsy turvy 2]

Ah, fooled, thank you so much for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same boat. I hope you heal quickly as well.