To send a pic or no? UPDATED

[Sugarspice25]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Unless he agreed to wait for sex, then I guess he's getting ready to have sex with you

Okay but he didn't yet plan the date...I guess i have to wait and see

[Sugarspice25]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

He knows you like him and he's trying to keep your interest. And probably thinking that if you like him enough you will give in and give him a little of what he wants despite what you said about wanting to wait.

Okay yeah I understand. My god what times we have its like I give in and then I have to worry if he will ghost and if I won't give in the same thing.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Okay yeah I understand. My god what times we have its like I give in and then I have to worry if he will ghost and if I won't give in the same thing.

You should only have sex when you want sex..... and if you're "giving in" rather than being "enthusiastic", then you shouldn't be doing it.   Were you not taught about consent at school?  Sex should only happen when both parties are mutually enthusiastic.

I'm not sure what you mean when you talk about these times we live in.  We you raised in a very conservative culture?  

15 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Okay but he didn't yet plan the date...I guess i have to wait and see

Given you know he wants sex before you are official, why are you even considering seeing him again? 

Edited June 13 by basil67

[Sugarspice25]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You should only have sex when you want sex..... and if you're "giving in" rather than being "enthusiastic", then you shouldn't be doing it.   Were you not taught about consent at school?  Sex should only happen when both parties are mutually enthusiastic.

I'm not sure what you mean when you talk about these times we live in.  We you raised in a very conservative culture?  

Given you know he wants sex before you are official, why are you even considering seeing him again? 

I mean I'm not from USA but Europe and in Europe when we date a guy he usually courts the lady before pressuring for sex. Im not saying no to sex I'm saying not on the first 3 dates. 

 

Why? Because I like him.

Edited June 13 by Sugarspice25
Forgot to add

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

I mean I'm not from USA but Europe and in Europe when we date a guy he usually courts the lady before pressuring for sex. Im not saying no to sex I'm saying not on the first 3 dates. 

Why? Because I like him.

Do you need three dates before you have sex?  Or do you need to be in a formal relationship?  Because these are two different things.   What will you do if you have sex after four dates and he doesn't want to go official?  

Why do you like a guy who's pressuring you to have sex before you're ready?   

[Sugarspice25]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Do you need three dates before you have sex?  Or do you need to be in a formal relationship?  Because these are two different things.   What will you do if you have sex after four dates and he doesn't want to go official?  

Why do you like a guy who's pressuring you to have sex before you're ready?   

 I need at least 3/ 4 dates or him telling me let's be exclusive before I have sex . Now I'm wondering will he ask me out again

Because besides that we vibe really well. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Huh?? I want to date to have a potential relationship not just to have sex when I'm not yet comfortable with him. If his intentions are serious he will wait.

That’s not true.

It’s a question of preferences and compatibility, not of seriousness of intentions.

No matter how serious my intentions are, I wouldn’t  date a woman who’d tell me to wait several months for sex, for example. That level of sexual desire and / or attitude to sex simply aren’t compatible with mine.

That said, of course you should only have sex when you’re comfortable with it. If that guy is constantly pushing and pressuring you to have sex, it’s disrespectful.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Is this expected nowadays from Men? They want to have sex with you before deciding yo be together?

There is no “they”. Men are different. And your question makes little sense to me anyway, because obviously the answer depends on a myriad of factors such as the level of attraction, the circumstances of acquaintance, the current mood, and so on, and so forth.

What can be said with certainty is that it is absolutely possible to want to have sex first and then decide to be together. In fact, that appears to be the more common model of behavior, at least in the society circles I dwell in. Sexual compatibility is something people would often want to test before committing to a relationship.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Okay yeah I understand. My god what times we have its like I give in and then I have to worry if he will ghost and if I won't give in the same thing.

What?

You don’t give in. You have sex only when you really want it, or you don’t if you don’t want it at all.

No man who respects you will want you to give in. He will want you to really want to have sex with him. If you want to delay it for any reason, he will either be fine  with that and wait, or conclude that you two aren’t sexually compatible and respectfully break it off. But he will not pressure or coerce you to have sex with him.

And why do you think that you “have to worry”? You don’t have to worry about some guy ghosting you. If a person ghosts you, you forget about them and move on.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said:

I mean I'm not from USA but Europe and in Europe when we date a guy he usually courts the lady before pressuring for sex.

Hmm.

I wonder what part of Europe you’re from. I spent 10 years in Europe and my dating experience there has been vastly different from what you stated above. On the whole, I find Europeans less conservative in matters of sex than North Americans.

Also, the way you describe the hypothetical generic European guy is a bit disturbing. You can’t be serious about that “pressuring for sex” part. Pressuring for sex is wrong no matter where you’re from. 

 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

I need at least 3/ 4 dates or him telling me let's be exclusive before I have sex . Now I'm wondering will he ask me out again.

You’ve essentially told him that - no sex yet. He knows where you stand and if that is ok with him, he will continue to ask you out.

For the right guy, waiting a few dates to have sex until you know you are compatible/official won’t be a deterrent. 

He’s clearly expressed his intentions - he’s all but asked you to get in his bed… that makes me think you want different things here. In that case, you may not hear from him again.

You definitely should not rush to have sex before you are ready. It’s not unreasonable to want to get to know a man/know that the relationship is exclusive before having sex… but, there will be some men looking for a hookup. That’s fine - they will reveal themselves to you early as this guy has done and then you decide what to do after that. 

The only way that you go wrong here is by making a man jump through a bunch of hoops before having sex - for example, waiting for months or until marriage. While there are some men who would not have a problem waiting, the vast majority of men will expect to share a physical relationship in a reasonable time period. I don’t think that’s what you are doing here… and for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t want to have sex with a man after two dates either. 

Be true to yourself and the rest will work itself out with time.

 

[Sugarspice25]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You’ve essentially told him that - no sex yet. He knows where you stand and if that is ok with him, he will continue to ask you out.

For the right guy, waiting a few dates to have sex until you know you are compatible/official won’t be a deterrent. 

He’s clearly expressed his intentions - he’s all but asked you to get in his bed… that makes me think you want different things here. In that case, you may not hear from him again.

You definitely should not rush to have sex before you are ready. It’s not unreasonable to want to get to know a man/know that the relationship is exclusive before having sex… but, there will be some men looking for a hookup. That’s fine - they will reveal themselves to you early as this guy has done and then you decide what to do after that. 

The only way that you go wrong here is by making a man jump through a bunch of hoops before having sex - for example, waiting for months or until marriage. While there are some men who would not have a problem waiting, the vast majority of men will expect to share a physical relationship in a reasonable time period. I don’t think that’s what you are doing here… and for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t want to have sex with a man after two dates either. 

Be true to yourself and the rest will work itself out with time.

 

Thank you for the advice. 

 But why did he text me today saying he had another great night with me last night. Shouldn't he just stop communicating? But then again he didn't ask when to see me again. 

[Sugarspice25]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Hmm.

I wonder what part of Europe you’re from. I spent 10 years in Europe and my dating experience there has been vastly different from what you stated above. On the whole, I find Europeans less conservative in matters of sex than North Americans.

Also, the way you describe the hypothetical generic European guy is a bit disturbing. You can’t be serious about that “pressuring for sex” part. Pressuring for sex is wrong no matter where you’re from. 

 

Well isn't this guy doing that? He asked me twice to spend the night and when I was leaving he said next time you're spending the night. 

[Sugarspice25]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What?

You don’t give in. You have sex only when you really want it, or you don’t if you don’t want it at all.

No man who respects you will want you to give in. He will want you to really want to have sex with him. If you want to delay it for any reason, he will either be fine  with that and wait, or conclude that you two aren’t sexually compatible and respectfully break it off. But he will not pressure or coerce you to have sex with him.

And why do you think that you “have to worry”? You don’t have to worry about some guy ghosting you. If a person ghosts you, you forget about them and move on.

Im not saying eventually  I won't want it with him but I don't like it when I clearly said not now he kept asking.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

 But why did he text me today saying he had another great night with me last night. Shouldn't he just stop communicating? But then again he didn't ask when to see me again. 

He will keep communicating if he thinks there's a chance of sex.  He knows that you know he expects sex next time, so if you are foolish enough to expect the date, you better expect a fight if you say NO.

6 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Well isn't this guy doing that? He asked me twice to spend the night and when I was leaving he said next time you're spending the night. 

I don't think he could be any clearer about not being open to entertain the idea that you don't want sex

6 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Im not saying eventually  I won't want it with him but I don't like it when I clearly said not now he kept asking.

But you like him anyway????    

 

While no woman ever asks to get raped or assaulted, we can certainly make choices to stay away from guys who are showing a heap of red flags.   That he spent a lot of money on you and was nice on a date doesn't mean that he's not going to take what he wants even if you say NO.   This guy is a first class creep, and if you keep seeing him, you are putting yourself at risk

 

Edited June 14 by basil67

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

But why did he text me today saying he had another great night with me last night. Shouldn't he just stop communicating? But then again he didn't ask when to see me again. 

He’s testing the waters. He will keep communicating if he thinks there is a chance that there will be sex on the third date. Many men think that is how it goes - a reasonable timeline. And, he has basically told you in a rather aggressive way - you will be staying over if you go out again. He’s waiting for your reply - he’s waiting for you to ask/inquire/agree. But, he’s definitely expecting sex. You play with fire here is you continue to reply knowing what he expects - and knowing that you have a different expectation of dating. 

Edited June 14 by BaileyB

[Sugarspice25]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

He’s testing the waters. He will keep communicating if he thinks there is a chance that there will be sex on the third date. Many men think that is how it goes - a reasonable timeline. And, he has basically told you in a rather aggressive way - you will be staying over if you go out again. He’s waiting for your reply - he’s waiting for you to ask/inquire/agree. But, he’s definitely expecting sex. You play with fire here is you continue to reply knowing what he expects - and knowing that you have a different expectation of dating. 

I told him that I like our time together.  He just hearted the conversation and that was it . Im definitely not going to initiate any messages.

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

He asked me twice to spend the night and when I was leaving he said next time you're spending the night. 

Ok I officially do NOT like this guy.  Be very careful with this guy.  You said you aren't ready for it yet, and he has kept asking and asking and asking, and now he said this, as if HE'S decided it's happening and you don't have a choice.  This guy is a CREEP.  When a woman says no, or that she wants to take it slow, it's completely predatory behavior for a man to keep asking and asking over and over, to basically try to "wear her down", to get what he wants.

[Sugarspice25]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok I officially do NOT like this guy.  Be very careful with this guy.  You said you aren't ready for it yet, and he has kept asking and asking and asking, and now he said this, as if HE'S decided it's happening and you don't have a choice.  This guy is a CREEP.  When a woman says no, or that she wants to take it slow, it's completely predatory behavior for a man to keep asking and asking over and over, to basically try to "wear her down", to get what he wants.

Yeah I was uncomfortable when he kept saying " I think you should stay" then later at dinner "are you sure you don't want to stay?" Then when he was walking me to Uber "next time you're staying over".

[Sugarspice25]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

He will keep communicating if he thinks there's a chance of sex.  He knows that you know he expects sex next time, so if you are foolish enough to expect the date, you better expect a fight if you say NO.

I don't think he could be any clearer about not being open to entertain the idea that you don't want sex

But you like him anyway????    

 

While no woman ever asks to get raped or assaulted, we can certainly make choices to stay away from guys who are showing a heap of red flags.   That he spent a lot of money on you and was nice on a date doesn't mean that he's not going to take what he wants even if you say NO.   This guy is a first class creep, and if you keep seeing him, you are putting yourself at risk

 

Besides him asking me stay a million times, yes I did like him. It just a bummer because I thought there might be something that will lead to some sort of relationship you know. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Besides him asking me stay a million times, yes I did like him. It just a bummer because I thought there might be something that will lead to some sort of relationship you know. 

He asked you to stay a million times, while knowing you weren't ready - and you thought there was something which could lead to a relationship.  What the hell? 

How much dating have you done in the past?   Where is your sense of personal safety?   Also, was there a big age gap here....like you're 17 and he's 30?

 

[Sugarspice25]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He asked you to stay a million times, while knowing you weren't ready - and you thought there was something which could lead to a relationship.  What the hell? 

How much dating have you done in the past?   Where is your sense of personal safety?   Also, was there a big age gap here....like you're 17 and he's 30?

 

Okay not a million times but 2 times. 

No he's 45 and I'm 25

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Okay not a million times but 2 times. 

No he's 45 and I'm 25

Why did you exaggerate the amount of times he's asked you to have sex to such an extraordinary degree?   Twisting the story isn't going to help your cause, and makes you lose a lot of credibility here.

In the meantime, I suggest you be aware of the creep factor of older men.  "Half the guy's age plus 7" is an acceptable age gap, which helps to negate the inherent balance of power an older man has.  If he wants to avoid being a creep, a 45yo man shouldn't date a woman under the age of 30.

 

[Sugarspice25]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why did you exaggerate the amount of times he's asked you to have sex to such an extraordinary degree?   Twisting the story isn't going to help your cause, and makes you lose a lot of credibility here.

In the meantime, I suggest you be aware of the creep factor of older men.  "Half the guy's age plus 7" is an acceptable age gap, which helps to negate the inherent balance of power an older man has.  If he wants to avoid being a creep, a 45yo man shouldn't date a woman under the age of 30.

 

Because to me it felt like a million times in the moment. Also when I told him that I prefer to wait and even better if we're exclusive he goes" so your last relationship was 1yr ago and you haven't slept with anyone? How do you do that?"

I thought that was a rude question to ask too.

[Sony12]

21 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Because to me it felt like a million times in the moment. Also when I told him that I prefer to wait and even better if we're exclusive he goes" so your last relationship was 1yr ago and you haven't slept with anyone? How do you do that?"

I thought that was a rude question to ask too.

Does this guy have a history of dating much younger women? Does he have a good job and is fairly well off?

Men who date women young enough to be their own kid often aren't doing it for a love connection. Just like women who date men young enough to be their own kid usually aren't doing it for anything potentially serious.