Goodpal Posted June 5 Posted June 5 I was married for 2 decades until my ex cheated and decided to leave. Within 6 months I found myself in a new relationship for the first time. It was fun, exciting, but I knew I wasn't ready for long term. I ended it after 1 year but we continued to talk. Before long I was back in it and again strong connection, chemistry, etc. but deep down I knew I wasn't ready for long term. We did the whole break-up/get back together thing multiple times. Between each time we would continue to talk and eventually we'd get back together. We are now currently broken up and although very painful it feels like the right thing for right now. We have been in no contact which is an incredibly unpleasant feeling. It's like having a part of your heart ripped out. However, I am starting to understand the benefits. First off, I desperately needed to process my life, where I am and where I am going. Because I foolishly jumped into a relationship right after my divorce I never got that time to regain clarity. When you're in a relationship you are so caught up in the other person there's no time to think about yourself. It was like having 2 personalities. One that wanted to be in the new relationship and one that wanted to be single. What a horrible place to be for both you and the other person. No matter how much that part of me wanted the new relationship I just couldn't make myself progress forward in it. Now I am enjoying the time and space to be on my own, focusing on my interests and hobbies. Although I think about her every day, all of the time I feel this is the right place to be. I'm doing the whole "dating myself" thing that many on these sites talk about. I'm re-watching all of my favorite movies, reading books that I enjoy, going places alone and it has been a wonderful feeling. I almost got sucked back into jumping into the dating world to fill the void but thankfully I realized just how stupid of a decision that would be. Within a few weeks that idea subsided and I can say w/ great certainty I have no desire at all to do that. Is anyone else out there going through a similar experience?
ShySoul Posted June 29 Posted June 29 There is no rule or timeline. Healing is an individual thing that differs for every person. Do what feels right for you and what you need at this time. Trust yourself as you know what is best for you. When you are ready to be with someone, you will know. I think if you are in a relationship where you are caught up in the other person and not thinking of yourself, it's a sign this isn't a healthy relationship at the time. Mature and strong relationships aren't about being caught up in the other person of thinking of yourself. It is about the two of you together. It's being able to have both separate identifies and a unified one. It's seeing you are stronger together. If you aren't getting that, then it's time to either work together to find it, or hold off on the relationship. I suspect that if the two of you are still this connected despite the back and forth, then it might not be over for good. Sometimes it takes a bit to get it right. Just make sure you are both fully ready for it should things go back in that direction. Wishing you well.
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