Break up

[Goodpal]

I was married for 2 decades until my ex cheated and decided to leave. Within 6 months I found myself in a new relationship for the first time. It was fun, exciting, but I knew I wasn't ready for long term. I ended it after 1 year but we continued to talk. Before long I was back in it and again strong connection, chemistry, etc. but deep down I knew I wasn't ready for long term.

We did the whole break-up/get back together thing multiple times. Between each time we would continue to talk and eventually we'd get back together. We are now currently broken up and although very painful it feels like the right thing for right now. We have been in no contact which is an incredibly unpleasant feeling. It's like having a part of your heart ripped out. However, I am starting to understand the benefits.

First off, I desperately needed to process my life, where I am and where I am going. Because I foolishly jumped into a relationship right after my divorce I never got that time to regain clarity. When you're in a relationship you are so caught up in the other person there's no time to think about yourself. It was like having 2 personalities. One that wanted to be in the new relationship and one that wanted to be single. What a horrible place to be for both you and the other person. No matter how much that part of me wanted the new relationship I just couldn't make myself progress forward in it. 

Now I am enjoying the time and space to be on my own, focusing on my interests and hobbies. Although I think about her every day, all of the time I feel this is the right place to be. I'm doing the whole "dating myself" thing that many on these sites talk about. I'm re-watching all of my favorite movies, reading books that I enjoy, going places alone and it has been a wonderful feeling. I almost got sucked back into jumping into the dating world to fill the void but thankfully I realized just how stupid of a decision that would be. Within a few weeks that idea subsided and I can say w/ great certainty I have no desire at all to do that.

Is anyone else out there going through a similar experience?