Feeling Mutual Chemistry with an Engaged Woman

[Wave Rider]

I am single, and I met a woman at a civic service organization where we both volunteer. She recently got engaged to her boyfriend of 6 years. Over the last few months, strong chemistry has emerged between her and me. The mutual attraction is obvious, the conversations are electric, and the fireworks are real. We often stay after the organization’s meetings and talk late into the night, just the two of us, after everyone else leaves. Smiles and laughter abound. She asks me to do stuff with her, suggests future things to do with me, sends me messages, and has even offered to bring me food. She hasn’t cheated, but her heart is clearly wandering…in my direction. I asked her what her fiancé thinks of us hanging out, and she said he is OK with it. I thought that was a little strange, because if she was my girlfriend, I wouldn't let her run around with other guys the way she runs around with me. I'd be too jealous.

Her fiancé is a good guy with good career prospects. My best assessment as to what is going on with her is that her current relationship is secure, stable, supportive, comfortable, and…boring. I am in a position to offer her many of the things she wants that her current fiancé can’t offer her, particularly things that are exciting and interesting to her, which is probably why she seeks out my company. I'm thinking that she recognizes the strong mutual attraction, but has no idea what to do about it. I wouldn't blame her, because I don't know what to do about it either. 

I really like her, and I’d like to date her. I’m looking to get married myself, and I would see her as a candidate if she were single. The trouble is, even if she wanted to get out of her current relationship, it would be difficult. She lives with him, and breaking off the engagement would involve her moving out of their shared apartment. He’s a good guy, and it’s a good relationship, so it may be hard to justify leaving it just because a bigger better deal came along. But I do believe that I am, in fact, a bigger better deal, at least for this particular woman. The situation is doubly complicated because I don’t want it to blow up and have repercussions for my participation in my civic organization, although at this point it's obvious to other people in the organization that something is going on between her and me. 

Any ideas on how to proceed? Should I be more direct in presenting myself as an alternative to her current relationship, or should I see if her current relationship will crumble of its own accord?

[basil67]

She's clearly crossing some boundaries here, but I'd be very surprised if she is looking to leapfrog over to you.  

And even if she did dump him for you...... if she's going to do this with you, you need to be concerned about her doing it to you

[Wave Rider]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She's clearly crossing some boundaries here, but I'd be very surprised if she is looking to leapfrog over to you.  

And even if she did dump him for you...... if she's going to do this with you, you need to be concerned about her doing it to you

I agree that I would be surprised if she's looking to change fiancés. I have also thought about the issue that if she'll cheat on someone else with me, she'll cheat on me with someone else. She hasn't really cheated because we haven't become physically involved, and she has told her fiancé that she hangs out with me. Still, there are definitely some blurry boundaries here. 

Just for argument's sake, let's assume for a minute that her dilemma is real. Let's say that she was going along just fine in a relationship that's comfortable and supportive, but maybe a little boring. Then boom, someone comes along who turns her world inside out. She finds herself thinking about him more and more. He's everything she wanted that her fiancé isn't, and he's interested in her. What's the right thing for her to do?

If you search the internet, you will find an abundance of stories of people to whom this has actually happened. The advice from other internet commenters is usually that the person isn't ready to make the commitment of marriage if they have feelings for someone else. 

I'm not getting my hopes up too high, and it seems likely that she'll go ahead and marry her current fiancé. But I'm not going to discount alternative scenarios entirely. 

[Sanch62]

I can only speak for myself. I once crushed on someone and dabbled in thoughts about trying to poach him from a partner. But the deeper I followed this train of thinking, the more lousy I felt. I got to the part where I won the guy, and I enjoyed that feeling of triumph for about 5 minutes before it occurred to me that I just found the trap.

My goal wasn't limited to getting the person, it was enjoying forever after. But how could I enjoy anything after my front row view of another's capacity for disloyalty toward someone he'd claimed to love? I'd spend the duration of our relationship mate-guarding against the next 'wow' of a person to cross his path. I'd be the old news then, and my ability to trust this person would have been absent. Never present, actually.

Not a great feeling. That, on top of basic ethics, layered on top of the behaviors I'd engage in plain sight to ruin my own rep with everyone around me, I wouldn't exactly be a sympathetic figure when either karma or common sense came back into focus.

I leapt into damage control mode to keep some distance from my target and start behaving in ways that modeled the kind of person I wanted to become. It wasn't long before I thanked myself for cultivating better relationships within my peer group. Those paid off in ways I couldn't have fathomed during my period of tunnel vision.

[Gebidozo]

I absolutely agree that she shouldn’t marry her fiancé, regardless of what’s going to happen between her and you.

If she really has deep, strong feelings for you, the very first thing she should do is break up with her fiancé.

If she does that of her own volition, without any promises or emotional pressure from you, then she’ll simply be a single woman and you’ll be able to pursue a normal relationship.

If she chooses to stay with her fiancé for whatever reasons or delays the breakup with him indefinitely, you should break off contact with her.

 

[BaileyB]

You’ve done a mighty fine job of justifying why you think it’s ok that you are putting the moves on another guy’s girl… gosh, she even said that he was fine with it! So - it’s no problem. Right? I mean - WTF??

Trade places - she is your fiancé and another man is hanging around the love of your life, hoping that she will leave the relationship to get with him - how would you feel about that?

Regardless, I agree with basil… She is not a woman to be trusted. The fact that she is not maintaining and appropriate relationships boundary and she is not showing her fiancé the respect that he deserves as her chosen partner - those are red flags not to be ignored…

Edited June 5 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

I have also thought about the issue that if she'll cheat on someone else with me, she'll cheat on me with someone else.

That’s one of the most weirdly popular sayings that have been circulating around since someone had first coined the catchy phrase “if they do it with you, they’ll do it to you”.

The neatness of that maxim is in no way a testimony of its truth. It is a gross oversimplification that doesn’t take into account the myriads of variables, aspects, circumstances, motives, and so on, that may vastly differ from case to case.

Yes, some people are chronic cheaters or unstoppable monkey-branchers, but many others are not.

If she has real feelings for you and breaks up with her fiancé so that she could be with you, there would be nothing unethical about it. It also doesn’t mean at all that from now on she is doomed to repeat that act again and again with different men.

[Gebidozo]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Trade places - she is your fiancé and another man is hanging around the love of your life, hoping that she will leave the relationship to get with him - how would you feel about that?

 

Not speaking for the OP, but if my partner had romantic feelings for another man, I’d let her go immediately.

Yes, I’d be sad, but I would hold no grudge against the other man. 

I also wouldn’t consider their behavior immoral if they are in love with each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

The advice from other internet commenters is usually that the person isn't ready to make the commitment of marriage if they have feelings for someone else. 

Sure, but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't go through with the marriage anyway.

Whatever big dilemma you think she might be having, her actions are currently telling you that she is fine with the way things are. She gets the security of a relationship at home, and some excitement on the side. Many people coast through life this way. It's not right, but it happens all the time. In the end, the ones who get bunred are often the third parties (you, in this case) because the other simply isn't interested in giving up their "stable" home life. 

If I were you, I would pull way back form this woman. You are making it easy for her to haveher cake and eait it too right now. Stop positioning yourself as the fun guy who is  hanging out in the wings. If she really wants to see what you're about and explore potential, she will need to actually make a move and end her relationship. Don't keep offering her the benefit of some side thrills and flirting . Value yourself more than that. 

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Many people coast through life this way. It's not right, but it happens all the time. In the end, the ones who get bunred are often the third parties (you, in this case) because the other simply isn't interested in giving up their "stable" home life. 

This describes me long ago, before I sorted myself out.  Having a bit of spark on the side, while in a solid relationship.   As it so happens, I did eventually leave my marriage, but I didn't leave it to be in the arms of another.  I just left and was single for a bit.  

Internet users may be right that the person who does this isn't ready to marry.  But that doesn't stop them from actually getting married

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

...“if they do it with you, they’ll do it to you”.

The neatness of that maxim is in no way a testimony of its truth. It is a gross oversimplification that doesn’t take into account the myriads of variables, aspects, circumstances, motives, and so on, that may vastly differ from case to case.

I agree. In my own case, instead of making it about him, I made it about me and my private perceptions and how I wanted to live and how I wanted to feel while living it. I simply know myself well enough to know that I perceived every degree of interest that I might have inspired from my crush as being at the expense of his partner. That made ME feel lousy, and so, this became my own private guardrail.

Figure out whether winning the challenge itself is what motivates you, whether becoming the chasing dog that catches the car will bring you happiness and contentment moving forward, or whether you'd find yourself positioned with a need to control and guard your prize thereafter. If so, is that the kind of future you envision for yourself? 

To each his own. My experience wasn't a prediction or about 'shoulding' on anyone else. It just highlights that these attractions can be multi-dimensional and impact us each in private ways. So I guess my suggestion is to "Know Thy Self".

[Wave Rider]

I agree that trying to poach her from her current relationship is a bad idea. That could cause all sorts of problems. I think I'd be better off letting things develop organically and enjoying the natural energy and gravity that exists between us. There's a natural energy between us that is quite pleasant, and I enjoy feeling that. It's a really good vibe, and being with her is fun, so it's not like I'm feeling used. 

I also agree that she probably isn't considering leaving her current relationship. But if she does decide to leave, that's a conclusion she needs to come to on her own, and it shouldn't be because of me trying to lure her away.

Maybe there is some degree of lack of self-reflection on her part, as she doesn't seem to be asking why she would be having feelings for someone else, or what that would mean for her current relationship. Or, maybe she is aware of that and is trying not to think about it because she does know what it would mean.

It's possible that she's getting the best of both worlds - a comfortable relationship from the other guy and a little spark on the side from me. But I'm not going to be too cynical about her intentions. She has been as generous with me as can be expected under the circumstances, and she has offered to do favors for me where she can. At some point, though, I may have to turn that spigot off. 

I think I'll just continue as I have been doing. Many of the things we've done have been at her suggestion, so I'll go with that for now, and I'll let things unfold as they will. Of course, I will also consider other romantic options if any should come up. And if she gets married to the other guy, I'll be happy for her. 

Edited June 5 by Wave Rider

[MsJayne]

If she needs this kind of attention from other guys why is she engaged to her fiance? It has to be one of two things, either she doesn't really love him and is engaged to him for the wrong reasons, (money, fear of being alone, or a misguided sense of obligation), or she needs more attention than one man can give her. If her fiance truly doesn't have a problem with her building a close relationship with some random guy I'd guess she downplays it to him, (in other words, lies about it). You're viewing this through the clouded lens of romantic interest, and you need to pay more attention to the fact that she has zero respect for the sanctity of her relationship with her fiance. Of course, it's also possible that she's just a nice person and you're completely misreading social cues, but it doesn't sound like it, it sounds more like you need to think hard about encouraging an attraction from someone who's showing you that they don't know what loyalty is. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'd keep on walking. 

She can't commit. Can't be clear and clean in her romantic commitments. That won't go away if she were to get with you.

The odds are 1 in 10,000 that something decent can come from you and this woman. Keep moving. 

BTW: that you are THINKING about this woman says you have really low low standards. Find a woman who is clear and available. PERIOD! Things will still be hard, but at least you will have a chance at something sane. 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Not speaking for the OP, but if my partner had romantic feelings for another man, I’d let her go immediately.

I would too. I would settle for nothing less than someone who loves me, respects me, and is worthy of the trust that I have placed in that person. 
 

19 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes, I’d be sad, but I would hold no grudge against the other man.

I wouldn’t hold a grudge against him either, I’d be more frustrated with the behavior of my partner.

My point above being - does he really want to be “that guy”? You know - the guy who pursues another man’s girlfriend? That’s not a good look - particularly if this continues on and becomes more of an emotional or sexual affair. 
 

19 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I wouldn’t consider their behavior immoral if they are in love with each other.

I wouldn’t say it’s immoral if they profess their feelings and she ends her engagement to pursue this new relationship. I don’t see that happening here. She recently got engaged - she has played her cards and made her decision.

At this point, we have one side of the story and he has yet to confirm with her that she feels the same “magical” connection that he is feeling. She could be bored in her relationship and looking for some male attention - with no intention of leaving her primary relationship. 

My parents were both dating other people when they met. As my mom tells the story, it didn’t take long for them to end their other relationships and the rest is history… That is not what’s happened here - 

- 

Edited June 5 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Wave Rider said:

 

I agree that trying to poach her from her current relationship is a bad idea.

I think I'd be better off letting things develop organically and enjoying the natural energy and gravity that exists between us.

I would say that you are still crossing the line - you are inserting yourself where you don’t belong. Rather than actively trying to “poach” her from her partner, you are subtly undermining the relationship and more passively playing the long game…

How do you know that you have crossed the line and what you are doing is wrong? You answered your own question above - 
 

On 6/4/2025 at 3:14 PM, Wave Rider said:

if she was my girlfriend, I wouldn't let her run around with other guys the way she runs around with me.

 

[Wave Rider]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

If she needs this kind of attention from other guys why is she engaged to her fiance? It has to be one of two things, either she doesn't really love him and is engaged to him for the wrong reasons, (money, fear of being alone, or a misguided sense of obligation), or she needs more attention than one man can give her. 

Some of the comments that she's made to me indicate that her fiancé isn't meeting some of her needs, and she seems to be coming to me for those needs. For example, there is a certain restaurant that she likes, and she stated that she has gone there by herself, presumably because her fiancé doesn't want to go with her. She invited me to go with her to this restaurant. We had a great time and we talked for more than 4 hours there. She has a particular movie that she sent to me in a message because she wants to talk about it, and she said, 'I have no one to talk about it with." I thought this was a strange comment because why can't her fiancé talk about this movie with her? But apparently he won't do it, and she has continued to mention this movie to me and wants me to watch it so we can talk about it. She suggested that we go to a particular dessert shop that she likes, which we did, and then we went for a walk afterward. Why doesn't she take her fiancé with her instead? I'm guessing because he doesn't want to go. 

So she's basically asking me to go on date-type activities (and she always paid for herself). Maybe her fiancé never takes her out. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that she's acting as if she's feeling lonely or neglected.  

Edited June 6 by Wave Rider

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Wave Rider said:

Some of the comments that she's made to me indicate that her fiancé isn't meeting some of her needs, and she seems to be coming to me for those needs.

Does she not have girlfriends? A sister? Cousins? Coworkers? There is nobody else that she can attend a movie with her fiancé is not interested in the movie? 

These are things that I would do with my girlfriends or my coworkers if my partner was not interested. The reason why I wouldn’t do them with another man is because I respect my partner enough to maintain an appropriate relationship boundary. 

This from the woman who went out last weekend for a drink and an appetizer with my best friend’s husband (who is also an old high school friend of mine) because he was in town caring for his parents who are unwell. That was not a problem for my relationship - in large part because I don’t text him regularly, we don’t go out and socialize together regularly, and my partner is well aware that he is in town and we had plans to meet for a drink. My partner was invited to come. We hosted my friend at our house last week. 

What you are doing is not that - it’s not platonic. You are attracted and interested in dating this woman who is engaged to another man… that puts the “movie date” in a very different context. 

 

Edited June 6 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

 

1 hour ago, Wave Rider said:

Maybe her fiancé never takes her out. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that she's acting as if she's feeling lonely or neglected.  

You are making an assumption and then using that assumption to justify your decision to “date” an engaged woman. 

I don’t always agree with my partner about movies or restaurants - that doesn’t mean that we can go on “dates” with other people to do the activities that our partner would rather not do.

It also doesn’t mean that they aren’t very happily doing other things together - going to other restaurants, cuddling on the sofa to binge watch a favorite show, mini golfing with friends, and going to visit their parents every other weekend…

You are assuming that the fact that she has asked you to go to a movie her husband doesn’t want to watch must mean that she is unhappy in her relationship - her fiancé is not meeting all her needs - and this, this is your window of opportunity to step in…

You are going to get hurt here because there is nothing indicating that there is anything wrong with her relationship aside from the fact that she is stepping out with another man…

Edited June 6 by BaileyB

[basil67]

I went to the movies with a friend a couple of weeks ago.  It was a grim Irish film and I know my partner would have hated it.  Being married doesn't mean we have to drag our partners to movies and restaurants which they wouldn't like.  

I saw that you said she pays for herself.  This would be deliberate - she's sending the signal that this is not a date.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

Maybe her fiancé never takes her out.

Dom't go there. You have no idea what actually goes on in their relationship. 

3 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

f I didn't know any better, I'd say that she's acting as if she's feeling lonely or neglected.

Or, that could be the picture she's painting for you to try to justify her behaviour and get you to play along. 

Remember that you don't know the full story. In fact, you know very little of what her relationship is like - or even what she is like as a partner. Did it occur to you that perhaps she has done this before? Getting a little too friendly with another man? For all you know, the problem in the relaitonship isn't her fiancé, but her. 

If she's doing all of this to get another man to pay attention to her outside her relationship, well, be careful what you wish for. She's showing you something important about her charactter. Ignore that at your own risk, 

 

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

Some of the comments that she's made to me indicate that her fiancé isn't meeting some of her needs, and she seems to be coming to me for those needs.

OK, so that goes back to the question of why she's engaged to this guy. If she's making comments about him that aren't flattering, casually painting him in a negative light, I'd be very wary of what she's up to. Might she be using you to provoke jealousy? I'm wondering why he doesn't want to do things with her. If he takes her for granted to the point where she's angry about it she should be calling the engagement off without involving a third person. Something just doesn't smell right about all this. 

[Carlston]

There's countless single women on this planet, who don't step out on the person they're supposedly going to be committed to for life. Not only are your actions deceptive, irresponsible, and disrespectful to her partner, they're not in your own best interests. For the moment, forget about her partner, or her. Think only about yourself, which I'm sure you have no trouble doing. If she'll treat her partner like that, even if you "win her" and the other guy "loses", odds are high that a person of the low moral character she has demonstrated will do the same thing to you. You really aren't better than the guy she's with now, even though you're probably convinced you are.

Make better choices.

 

Edited June 6 by Carlston

[stillafool]

She's emotionally cheating on her fiancé with you.   How do you know that if she got involved with you she wouldn't fall for the next new and better man?  Her behavior with you is inappropriate.  She would be doing her fiancé a favor to break up with him.  He deserves better.

[smackie9]

 Don't think for a minute she's in love or falling in love...she's not. She's becoming infatuated...later she will realize her mistake and ditch you. So stop doing this. You will not get what you want. They always go back to their partner.