Feel like I’m never satisfied

[WorldTraveler]

After being in the online dating pool for so long I’m afraid I’ve gotten stuck in that toxic mindset of always looking for the next best partner. “Maybe the next one will be prettier, make more money, share more hobbies, etc.” I’m willing to admit I’m guilty but want to change my mindset as my friends and family keep telling me I’m too picky. Additionally, think I have a fear of commitment that I’m currently trying to work through that which adds another layer of complexity. 
 

As a 32 year old male who’s been single for the past four years, about a month ago I made the conscious decision to stop dating in my city with the intent of moving for a change of scenery. When randomly a good friend of mine reached out saying she had a friend that she’d like to set me up on a blind date with. I was hesitant initially because my biggest fear was (and still is) having this blossom into something successful and then having to choose between my desire to move and a woman. So far we’ve been on three dates, having sex after the second. It seems to be going well but honestly, I have trouble determining if I’m actually interested and wanting to date her for the right reasons. The company is nice, conversation flows and everything seems easy. She has been very touchy and seems to be laying it on kind of heavy but I’m not sure if that’s just her dating style. She seems like a very sweet and thoughtful woman and has put effort in from day one which isn’t something I’m used to. This also scares me a little bit but I try to keep leaning into my fear to see where it goes. But again sometimes I struggle with my own feelings and often have trouble discerning between convenience and compatibility. Last thing I want is to string a woman along especially someone as sweet as this one. And thinking back on past dates with other women I have had no trouble calling it quits after 1 or 2 dates because I know it wouldn’t work. But this one leaves me confused and I think I’ve unfortunately but a lot of pressure on the entire situation because I view it through the lens of “if it works out I’m staying put, but if it doesn’t I’m moving to a new city away from family and friends” and with that thought comes other fears that I believe are obscuring things. Here’s a girl that’s pretty, thoughtful, we share many similar hobbies, the sex is really good and yet I feel like something is still missing which leaves me questioning what might be wrong with me. But I just want to do my best to make a decision that isn’t based on fear and at 32 trying to make sure the next one is the last one which also puts a lot of pressure on things…

Just feel like I’m always wanting more, like there’s always 1 or 2 things that keep me from committing to a potential partner. I feel the same patterns have repeated over the years and would like to stop and try a different approach. But I just struggle to wade through thoughts and emotions but that’s what therapy is for. In the meantime curious how others might sift through similar thoughts/emotions when it comes to determining compatibility and if you had luck shifting away from always looking for the next best thing mentality. Thanks for reading!

Edited June 3 by WorldTraveler

[MsJayne]

Instead of focusing on what a woman brings to the relationship table put more focus on what you bring to the table. What are you waiting for, a supermodel who earns 7 figures and loves all the same music, movies, food, sports, that you do? If you feel that no woman ever quite measures up to your expectations this is a problem with you, not with women. No woman is perfect, they all have flaws. They all have insecurities, they all have some negative personality traits, they're all capable of producing a fart that would stop a herd of stampeding buffalo in their tracks no matter how perfect they might pretend to be. I'd be interested to know what sort of woman your mother is and what sort of relationship you have with her. 

[FredEire]

This is the OLD effect my friend. The secret is that nobody will ever be good enough and the women you are most attracted to will usually be unobtainable or bad for you in all the right ways.

Just ask yourself honestly if she is a good fit for you, a good communicator and above all a decent person. If it moves forward and the answer to all of those is yes, take the plunge and see where it takes you guys.

[WorldTraveler]

3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Instead of focusing on what a woman brings to the relationship table put more focus on what you bring to the table. What are you waiting for, a supermodel who earns 7 figures and loves all the same music, movies, food, sports, that you do? If you feel that no woman ever quite measures up to your expectations this is a problem with you, not with women. No woman is perfect, they all have flaws. They all have insecurities, they all have some negative personality traits, they're all capable of producing a fart that would stop a herd of stampeding buffalo in their tracks no matter how perfect they might pretend to be. I'd be interested to know what sort of woman your mother is and what sort of relationship you have with her. 

Oh yeah I’ve already established I’m the problem I have no problem admitting that. I appreciate the insight but can’t imagine it has to do anything with my relationship with my mother. Which fortunately is a great one - we’re very close and she’s always been loving and supportive. Can be a little overbearing at times but always means well coming from a good place. 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

Oh yeah I’ve already established I’m the problem I have no problem admitting that. I appreciate the insight but can’t imagine it has to do anything with my relationship with my mother. Which fortunately is a great one - we’re very close and she’s always been loving and supportive. Can be a little overbearing at times but always means well coming from a good place. 

Yeah I think while committment issues in men often stem from mummy issues OLD has created a lot of problems even in men with a pretty standard/loving upbringing.

When the next hot date is only a swipe away you attach more to the idea of a fantasy woman than the woman who's actually available and in front of you wanting to get to know you.

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I think while committment issues in men often stem from mummy issues OLD has created a lot of problems even in men with a pretty standard/loving upbringing.

When the next hot date is only a swipe away you attach more to the idea of a fantasy woman than the woman who's actually available and in front of you wanting to get to know you.

Yes, this is very much the case. Like a smorgasbord of food, you choose the lobster but you also want to go back to try the roast beef, and there was also a yummy looking lasagna, etc, etc. Social media and OLD has destroyed romance. I come from a time before social media created mass fakery and the ensuing mass discontent, and I genuinely feel for younger generations who’ve had to develop in a world where they’re constantly being offered “something better”. When it comes to finding partners so many people are unbelievably shallow and have unrealistic expectations, it’s self-delusion en masse, and social media is the cause of it. One result of it is that decent, down to earth people often get passed over for the fake, shallow wankers. 

[FredEire]

32 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Yes, this is very much the case. Like a smorgasbord of food, you choose the lobster but you also want to go back to try the roast beef, and there was also a yummy looking lasagna, etc, etc. Social media and OLD has destroyed romance. I come from a time before social media created mass fakery and the ensuing mass discontent, and I genuinely feel for younger generations who’ve had to develop in a world where they’re constantly being offered “something better”. When it comes to finding partners so many people are unbelievably shallow and have unrealistic expectations, it’s self-delusion en masse, and social media is the cause of it. One result of it is that decent, down to earth people often get passed over for the fake, shallow wankers. 

Yep, and the levels of neuroticism it's created is scary. Most guys my age either seem to never get a date or are constantly "figuring it out", I can't speak to womens' experience but there seems to be a lot of disillusionment there too, and a lot of people seem to just check out after too long dating people they never really connect to.

Having kids is also often talked about like a kind of death sentence among young people now, pretty sad but with the extortionate cost of living and OLD flakiness on top of it it makes sense why.

[ShyViolet]

I don't think it's that you're too picky or that your standards are too high.  It sounds more like you are putting up walls around yourself and making yourself completely emotionally unavailable.  You're making up any excuse you can to avoid making a deep connection with someone and get into a relationship.  There is nothing necessarily wrong with not wanting a serious relationship.  If you're not ready for a relationship then just admit that.  But these issues may get in the way of you ever being able to settle down with someone, if that is in fact what you want someday.

[Els]

19 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I think while committment issues in men often stem from mummy issues OLD has created a lot of problems even in men with a pretty standard/loving upbringing.

When the next hot date is only a swipe away you attach more to the idea of a fantasy woman than the woman who's actually available and in front of you wanting to get to know you.

Yes, exactly. Like social media (and to an extent ALL media in general), most of what you see on OLD is an illusion.

Just like how on social media everyone appears to have perfect relationships and the perfect life, people in OLD put a spit-shined, polished version of themselves up and the apps make it seem like you have a plethora of amazing options available to you. That's fine as long as you're aware that that's what you're looking at. Otherwise you start buying into that illusion of being "spoilt for choice", of having thousands of supermodels available for you to pick from... when that's obviously not the truth, it's just how dating apps want you to feel. It's addictive, it keeps you on their apps, it keeps you single... AND it keeps you from forming genuine relationships outside the apps. Cha-cha-ching.

Edited June 4 by Els

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, Els said:

Yes, exactly. Like social media (and to an extent ALL media in general), most of what you see on OLD is an illusion.

Just like how on social media everyone appears to have perfect relationships and the perfect life, people in OLD put a spit-shined, polished version of themselves up and the apps make it seem like you have a plethora of amazing options available to you. That's fine as long as you're aware that that's what you're looking at. Otherwise you start buying into that illusion of being "spoilt for choice", of having thousands of supermodels available for you to pick from... when that's obviously not the truth, it's just how dating apps want you to feel. It's addictive, it keeps you on their apps, it keeps you single... AND it keeps you from forming genuine relationships outside the apps. Cha-cha-ching.

Yeah, and that's if you're even getting matches, most guys will barely get any and it's just an exercise in tanking your self esteem.

[Sanch62]

On 6/3/2025 at 1:53 AM, WorldTraveler said:

Just feel like I’m always wanting more, like there’s always 1 or 2 things that keep me from committing to a potential partner. I feel the same patterns have repeated over the years and would like to stop and try a different approach. But I just struggle to wade through thoughts and emotions but that’s what therapy is for.

Therapy might be a good place to consider whether you're dealing with a 'Groucho Marx' complex. He's an old comedian famous for saying, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." 

Maybe there are reasons you might devalue anyone who would value you.

Aside from exploring resistance to making commitments, which can be driven by anything from e-conditioning through dating sites or social media, a fickle nature that gets attracted to the next shiny object, to unconscious attachment theories driven by childhood, to name a few.

But one pointer toward the Groucho Marx problem above might be an 'impostor' fear, where, to some degree, you either feel like you're faking all your good qualities, or you don't actually possess them at all, and they're being projected onto you for reasons you can't grasp. In such a case, anyone who believes those qualities to be true about you must be too gullible to earn your respect. And without your respect and a trust in their judgment, they're pretty much toast in terms of long-term attraction.

Also, while I hate the term 'narcissism' as being overused to describe anything remotely self-centered, I think we've all experienced a toddler stage of this, so we can sometimes regress into tendencies of making ourselves into our own center-of-the-universe. Some may suffer cycles to the degree that we lose empathy, curiosity, and consideration for anyone else as equally important. In such a state, nobody else can please us because our temperament and disposition are fixed only on the unattainable we are missing, rather than on gratitude for what we have. This makes the enjoyment of anything or anyone nearly impossible.

Just spit-balling here, but I hope you write more if it helps.

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Therapy might be a good place to consider whether you're dealing with a 'Groucho Marx' complex. He's an old comedian famous for saying, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." 

Maybe there are reasons you might devalue anyone who would value you.

Aside from exploring resistance to making commitments, which can be driven by anything from e-conditioning through dating sites or social media, a fickle nature that gets attracted to the next shiny object, to unconscious attachment theories driven by childhood, to name a few.

But one pointer toward the Groucho Marx problem above might be an 'impostor' fear, where, to some degree, you either feel like you're faking all your good qualities, or you don't actually possess them at all, and they're being projected onto you for reasons you can't grasp. In such a case, anyone who believes those qualities to be true about you must be too gullible to earn your respect. And without your respect and a trust in their judgment, they're pretty much toast in terms of long-term attraction.

Also, while I hate the term 'narcissism' as being overused to describe anything remotely self-centered, I think we've all experienced a toddler stage of this, so we can sometimes regress into tendencies of making ourselves into our own center-of-the-universe. Some may suffer cycles to the degree that we lose empathy, curiosity, and consideration for anyone else as equally important. In such a state, nobody else can please us because our temperament and disposition are fixed only on the unattainable we are missing, rather than on gratitude for what we have. This makes the enjoyment of anything or anyone nearly impossible.

Just spit-balling here, but I hope you write more if it helps.

This is super interesting, I think it explains a lot about many people in dating today, including and including myself.

The most simple version of this idea is you "want what you can't have". It's also rooted in your self esteem being driven by constant ego-boosts, something that social media and the apps insidiously promote in people.

Someone takes and interest in you quickly and commits to dating you? That's so boring... meh. Where's the challenge in that?

Someone is aloof, half-interested and may even outright treat you badly? This is exciting! It sets my nervous system off and challenges my ego by my needing to "win" their affection.

The problem is that the person in the first scenario is the healthy partner. If you continually don't choose this kind of partner you end up running head first into a painful brick wall over and over again.

[Sanch62]

21 minutes ago, FredEire said:

The most simple version of this idea is you "want what you can't have".

Yes, and even better, you ONLY want what you believe you can't have.

This goes into the conditioned voice you run in your own head. What makes someone 'special' to you? Did it start in high school or prior, where those you'd consider ugly or dumb on first impression would be revered by others, and they'd somehow parlay this hype (demonstrating confidence) into a fantasy you wished to engage?

That's conditioning, and it's a self-created cage.

If 'special' means a presence of superficiality and upholding harsh standards, then you'll only feel intrigued into desire by that stuff. Even if someone appears deformed by surgery or cosmetics, it's their own buy-in to their beauty and desirability that can sell anyone else.

So consider whether you have a case of the ugly duckling mentality failing to recognize and appreciate a true Swan.

That's no skin off the Swan's back. She'll find a like-minded partner. Meanwhile, you'll be left alone chasing the kind of hype that only reduces you to a 'follower'. But in that case, might it not be helpful to explore with a therapist why submission appeals to you, along with more healthy ways of obtaining a satisfying expression of it?

[FredEire]

35 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Yes, and even better, you ONLY want what you believe you can't have.

This goes into the conditioned voice you run in your own head. What makes someone 'special' to you? Did it start in high school or prior, where those you'd consider ugly or dumb on first impression would be revered by others, and they'd somehow parlay this hype (demonstrating confidence) into a fantasy you wished to engage?

That's conditioning, and it's a self-created cage.

If 'special' means a presence of superficiality and upholding harsh standards, then you'll only feel intrigued into desire by that stuff. Even if someone appears deformed by surgery or cosmetics, it's their own buy-in to their beauty and desirability that can sell anyone else.

So consider whether you have a case of the ugly duckling mentality failing to recognize and appreciate a true Swan.

That's no skin off the Swan's back. She'll find a like-minded partner. Meanwhile, you'll be left alone chasing the kind of hype that only reduces you to a 'follower'. But in that case, might it not be helpful to explore with a therapist why submission appeals to you, along with more healthy ways of obtaining a satisfying expression of it?

Indeed. In my personal experience I've only been infatuated a few times, pretty much every time it was some girl who was emotionally distant, aloof but gave me just enough interest to get me hooked and ended up not treating me very well, ending with some ugly argument over something small. My friends would tell me I'd dodged a bullet, I'd just feel like I messed up something great.

On the other hand there were plenty of girls I dated who would always text back quickly,.would always show enthusiasm about spending time with me and seemed to really value and enjoy being with me, and I felt a whole lot of "meh".

It's only now I've started to really reflect on it and realise it might be less me just being unlucky in love and more attaching to the wrong people and self-sabotaging.

OP, I think it's worthwhile to reflect on why you have this pattern and actively work on breaking it, because if you're always running after the next best thing you'll never be able to healthily attach in any relationship.

[smackie9]

IMO you are not looking for the next best thing, but rather you are trying to find emotional connection but for whatever reason you can't. Your next step would be a few therapy sessions to help you discover where this is coming from and how to change it. 

[seamusharper]

Welcome to modern dating where you're never quite good enough because everyone is thinking they can do just a little better. Men are doing this to women and women are doing this to men and it's only gotten worse since the pandemic.

Sounds like you're suffering from this issue. I would as what it is you're looking for in a woman. What is the next best thing you're looking for? Someone skinner, prettier, taller, more athletic, dresses better, funnier, etc? If you can make these concrete, it might help you figure it whether or not what you're looking for actually exists.

Also, look at yourself. Having high standards is great if you live by and embody those standards yourself. 

[BaileyB]

One day you will decide that being alone, always searching and never settling is less preferable to taking a chance and building a relationship.

There is no long term happiness to be found trolling the internet to find “the one.” Hopefully, this experience will help you to really appreciate the woman you eventually decide to date - because it’s not easy to find someone with whom you are compatible, and that has nothing to do with being “perfect.”

[Lisa]

This thread has had a cleanup.  When posting, please remember that OP and their question should be your primary focus.  We ask that you avoid starting broader private conversations with other members