She said she doesn’t want to date, but she will still spend time with me. How would you proceed?

[Amtguy]

I told her I would be interested in having a relationship with her if I ever got a chance but she stayed at this time she’s not interested in dating at this time. 
I know I a friend at this time, but she seams to be a bit more comfortable and open after I told her what I thought. I don’t know if she is fishing for compliments or seeing how I act knowing I’m a bit interested in her. She is a very strong willed woman. This all came up after a three hour conversation about another friend she broke up with. Afterwards she wanted me to reach out to her so she could thank me for sticking around while confronting the other friend.  I’m willing to see where thins will go. 
the weird thing is that she now is more comfortable talking about personal matters, sex ,etc. and then tells me not to get my hopes up. It seems she  wants me to know more about her, and hope we could get drinks one day when we are not slammed by our studding. 
 

I think she’s fishing for something.Whats going on? I’m one of her guy friends but is this normally how you treat your friendships?

[Gina2005]

I'm afraid you are on the verge of entering the friend zone.

if you don't want to be her friend, tell her to contact you again when she is available for a date.

[Gebidozo]

Nothing is going on. She told you very clearly that she isn’t interested in a relationship with you and repeatedly warned you not to get your hopes up.

Why aren’t you listening to her and still entertaining thoughts about “things going somewhere”? Why are you suspecting her of “fishing” for something? If you think she is shallow and dishonest in that way, why hope that she’ll be romantically interested in you in the first place?

In any case, you should stop being her friend. There can be no genuine friendship between two people when one of the friends is actually interested in romance. 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, Amtguy said:

...is this normally how you treat your friendships?

Yes. She wants to be friends, not romantic. You're the one with the agenda. You get to decide whether to continue being friends or tell her she can contact you if she ever wants to date. But if she's part of your friend group, things could get pretty lonely if you opt out of that just because one of the friends won't date you.

One way to make staying in your friend group with her easier would be to find other people to date. Then you can go do that even while staying loosely attached to your friend group.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Amtguy said:

I think she’s fishing for something

Shes not. 

She sees you as a friend and wants to keep it that way. Now that she has told you it won't go further, she probably feels more relaxed with you. You know not to expect more so she feels more comfortable opening up or hanging out sometimes. 

2 hours ago, Amtguy said:

I’m one of her guy friends but is this normally how you treat your friendships?

Yes. I'm a woman and have a couple close (entirely platonic) guy friends. This is how I interact with them, too. We chat, confide in each other sometimes, about more personal matters, hang out- I am not sure why you think this is unusual for friends. 

2 hours ago, Amtguy said:

I’m willing to see where thins will go. 

Please be careful with your heart here. Listen to what she has told you, and believe her. You may be waiting in vain only to watch her eventually date someone else. If you don't think you could handle that, don't get too cozy in this friendship. 

[Amtguy]

9 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Yes. She wants to be friends, not romantic. You're the one with the agenda. You get to decide whether to continue being friends or tell her she can contact you if she ever wants to date. But if she's part of your friend group, things could get pretty lonely if you opt out of that just because one of the friends won't date you.

One way to make staying in your friend group with her easier would be to find other people to date. Then you can go do that even while staying loosely attached to your friend group.

Ya I realize that now. I hate being a person with agendas they make life complicated. She had no idea that I would even consider something like this, and it was one of those things where I wanted to see how it would play out. Today I thanked her for her honesty and apologized for making an unfounded assumption. We still will have to study head with each other because our FAA exams are coming up  within the next two months. 

 The bad side of being a loner is that for some reason I don’t seam to attract many people who spend time around me. Never really had many  friends or friendships that last more then a few years in my life.  The last time I had a date was over 6 years ago. 

[Sanch62]

20 hours ago, Amtguy said:

 The bad side of being a loner is that for some reason I don’t seam to attract many people who spend time around me. Never really had many  friends or friendships that last more then a few years in my life.  The last time I had a date was over 6 years ago. 

It might be helpful to consider why you consider yourself to be a loner. Yes, it's true that most loners do not attract others, as they usually don't demonstrate the interest or the energy to invest in holding up their side of a friendship.

The opposite can also be true: they might invest too heavily in one person as their focus, which can be too burdensome for a more well-rounded person with other interests and commitments to uphold.

In order to have a friend we must be a friend. This includes demonstrating respect for the limits of others and adopting the resilience and agility to find different kinds and degrees of acquaintances and friends to meet different needs.

As kids we could homogenize with one or two besties, but as we grow into adulthood, we must allow for natural divergences as adult priorities often shift over time. You may find that some of the friends you knew might cycle back into your life again. Friendship is rarely a permanent fixture. It has ebbs and flows and cycles. The more easily we can expand our focus to include more than one friend, the less dependent we become, and the more likely we will find ourselves welcoming old friends who cycle back around.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm not interested in dating at this time means she doesn't want to date you. Sorry to be blunt, but that's what it means. 

She meets someone she's turned on by and guess what, it'll be the right time to date. 

Run. Get away. I have never seen the person in your situation shift the other person's position. 

 

 

[swirlingcloud]

I find it is weird she is more comfortable around you after you told her you were interested in her, the possibility of something happening between you in a romantic sense. I have been around guys I only viewed as friends material when all of a sudden they start to flirt. That did not make me comfortable, me sharing more details of my life, sex would be the last thing I would think of mentioning. I would be straight forward as in saying I am in a relationship or I am in love with someone else or simply I do not think of you this way. I do not feel we have that kind of chemistry, but thank you, sort of. There are those who likes to have an ego boost by knowing a male friend is into them. If I were you I would not want to hang around her to get confused, or my hopes up, as I simply would see it as a warning sign that she on one hand is more comfortable with you, on the other you are left hanging as  she made it clear she is not into you like that. One reason she could be sen by you as more comfortable could be because she felt you were there for her when she needed you. But still her knowing you are into her would not make me, if I was her, that is, more comfortable. 

[Bettyyyyy]

Hey, I’ve actually been in a really similar situation, and I totally get how confusing it can be. On one hand, she says she’s not looking to date, but on the other, she’s opening up, and saying she wants to hang out... that’s mixed signals city

Sometimes people genuinely want the emotional support and attention without being ready (or willing) to take things further. And yeah, strong-willed or not, it kind of sounds like she’s enjoying the connection — but also trying to keep control of the situation by telling you not to get your hopes up.

It might not be "fishing" in a manipulative way, but more like she’s testing the waters — seeing if you’ll stick around, if you’re safe, if there’s chemistry, or maybe even just soaking up attention during a confusing time.

If I were you, I’d keep showing up as a solid friend only if you’re truly okay with that and won’t feel hurt if she never changes her mind. But if being around her is making you hope and overthink every little thing (been there ), then maybe take a little emotional step back and protect your peace.