Hurt and Ghosted

[Nerdy4Sharks]

I don't know what I am looking for, I guess mostly to express my feelings.

About 3 weeks ago I get this very out of the blue random FB message from this guy that I have known for 13 years. I met him at the gym where he worked as a personal trainer. He ended up being my personal trainer for a little over 2 years but during that time we also became close friends. For just a little bit of context, I am older than he is. He was 23 when we met and I was 28. I was also close to 500lbs when I started training with him. I developed a HUGE crush on him however I knew the feelings were one-sided. He ended up leaving the gym with some other trainers to start their own cross-fit gym. That's when we started to drift apart.

Fast forward from 2015 to 2018, we run into each other randomly one night at a local bar. I didn't even know that he was in town as he had moved to CO from NE. He seemed so excited and happy to see. He was there for a bachelor party. He kept complimenting me on how great I looked; how proud he was of me and joked about how he had gained weight. The last time he had seen me in 2015 I was still 385lbs and in 2018 when we ran into each other I was down to 189 lbs. We talked for about 10 mins till he had to leave and that was the last time I had seen/spoke to him.

2024 I had decided to send out Christmas cards so I had reached out to all the people on my FB friends list seeing if they would like card and to get their addresses. He was one of the people. He said he would love a card. Again, no further communication after that.

That brings us to 3 weeks ago when I get a FB message from him at 3am asking if I was free to help him with some cleaning. I thought he was referring to my FB post looking for some part-time work but that was not the case at all. He wanted me to come to him job and keep him company while he closed. He was hitting on me. Which honestly caught me off guard because in all the years I have known him, talked to him and spent time with him he never expressed any kind of romantic and/or sexual attraction towards, it was strictly friend-zone vibes. I asked if he had been drinking and he said yes, that's when I said to myself "ok he is drunk and isn't really serious about wanting to actual see me" I FB message him back laughing it off and told him that if he still feels that way once he sobers up to let me know because I had always had a thing for him and gave him my cellphone number. He said that he had always knew I had liked him. I honestly didn't think he would text me, but he did and apologized to me for being an idiot and how he acted. I told him no worries; a lot of people have a stupid drunk text story to tell. He told me he had to get ready for work joked that next time he askes me to hang out he will ask sooner, end of conversation, or so I thought. He texted after he got off work and was home (he's a bartender) and asked me again if I wanted to come over. This time I said yes. I knew what I was going over there for.

He was very nervous when I arrived. He showed me around him place, introduced me to his dogs. We have sex and afterwards I was preparing myself for the "I am really tired" talk hinting it was time for me to leave, but it never came. We got up at 11am and I went home. I was telling one of girl friends (no longer a friend) about the interaction and she started to tear me down saying things like he could never really like me cuz I am still fat and average looking at best. I already have self-esteem issues. I got drunk and mixed meds I shouldn't have and I broke the huge cardinal rule and texted him. The next day I was so embarrassed. I tried doing damage control and apologized but got nothing. 3 days went by, I was talking to a male friend who told me that my 1s apologize wasn't sincere enough and he message one more time but really put thought into it, so I did. 4 hours later I get a reply telling me he was sorry for ignoring me & upsetting me, that he had no idea what to say, that he shouldn't have reached out for an inmate encounter (his words not mine) as he is not emotionally ready for a relationship, that he is having a hard time caring for himself, that he is not making excuses just trying to explain himself and said he was sorry for being a but head. I told him I just wanted the opportunity to get to know him again and that I had enjoyed our time together.

I thought things were a little better, at least less awkward. We texted off and on for the next couple of days. The last I heard from him was o 05/17 when he said he was happy his classes were done and that he was on PTO that Sunday for a week. I messaged him back telling him to enjoy his time off and once this week and NOTHING.

What did I do wrong?

[basil67]

I'm confused.  What did you apologise for?  

[Gebidozo]

Something appears to be missing in the story. You are saying you had casual sex with that guy, but then you “broke a cardinal rule”, apologized for it, and now he isn’t interested in a relationship. Is that correct?

What was the “cardinal rule” that you supposedly broke? What did you apologize for?

[Nerdy4Sharks]

I had sent him this long, incoherent text message questioning him why he reached out to me, his motives/actions, considering we hadn't spoken/seen each other in years. I more or less accused him of reaching out to me because the fact I'm fat, average looking that he figured I would be easy to have sex with. I've dated some really awful terrible abusive guys so I  automatically think that I'm the problem. As far as the "cardinal rule" I was told that you're not supposed to message when you're in a impaired emotional state. I haven't dated much. I have been single since 2010 (except during a 8 month period from April 2022 to Jan 2023 and that guy broke up with me by ghosting me). 

 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, nerdy4dharks said:

I had sent him this long, incoherent text message questioning him why he reached out to me, his motives/actions, considering we hadn't spoken/seen each other in years. I more or less accused him of reaching out to me because the fact I'm fat, average looking that he figured I would be easy to have sex with. I've dated some really awful terrible abusive guys so I  automatically think that I'm the problem. As far as the "cardinal rule" I was told that you're not supposed to message when you're in a impaired emotional state. I haven't dated much. I have been single since 2010 (except during a 8 month period from April 2022 to Jan 2023 and that guy broke up with me by ghosting me). 

And did you send this before or after he ghosted you?

[Nerdy4Sharks]

It was before. He did stop talking for 3 days after that text but started to message me again for the following week after. I heard from him last on the 17th. He said he was happy that his college semester, it was over and he just had to work with that Saturday, and then he'd have the next week off. I told him to have a good vacation and I left at that. I waited about till Memorial day to see how his vacation went and radio silence since.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's pretty clear he was just looking for sex. 

What is not necessarily true is that he only wanted it from you because of all this: 

1 hour ago, nerdy4dharks said:

I'm fat, average looking that he figured I would be easy to have sex with.

He very well could find you physically attractive. But that doesn't mean he'd have wanted more than sex. It was giving off booty-call vibes from the start. There is nothing wrong with that, if both parties are fine with casual fun, but you let your emotions steer the ship here and you got attached to the idea of something more. You also basically accused him of being a shite person with that text. I am not surprised he has gone silent. I don't think this was going anywhere regardless, to be clear, but I wuoldn't be too keen to keep interacting with someone who lashed out at me like that, either. 

5 hours ago, nerdy4dharks said:

I told him I just wanted the opportunity to get to know him again

The thing is, he isn't looking for the same thing you are. He told you he isn't looking for a relationship so there is really nothing here to work with. This is another reason why you likely haven't heard from him. He knows you want more, but he isn't offering that. In the future, be careful about casual sex. It's not for everyone, espcially if you are the type to get attached easily or let your insecurity lead. 

6 hours ago, nerdy4dharks said:

What did I do wrong?

The emotional text you sent wasn't great, but as I've said, he wasn't looking for more from you. In that sense, the only thing you did wrong was assuming casual sex meant something more. 

[La.Primavera]

What did you do wrong?  Continuing to talk to him when he made it clear that regretted the hook up and wasn't interested.  That is the end of the discussion, not a reason to keep talking to him. The reality is that he made a low effort move on you at 3:00am one morning with no prior communication. You didn't rebuff him, so he took a raincheck.  He doesn't want to be the bad guy, but the shoe fits.  He felt guilty for taking advantage of your feelings for him and is now realizing he hurt you.  He was giving you closure.  Time to delete his number.

I'm sorry that you got hurt.  I really am.  There is a lesson you can take from this experience though.  Firstly, your weight does not determine your value, you determine your value.  I'm glad you are no longer friends with that person who made you feel bad about yourself.  True friends have your back and uplift you.  Secondly, you can benefit a lot from developing stronger boundaries and standards with the next guy you are interested in.  You are wiser now.  If he contacts you at 3:00am, then he wants one thing.   If you want more than that, shut him down or simply ignore it.  Don't confess your feelings in that moment. He hasn't earnt it.  You determine your value. 

Hold your head up high and don't think you missed out on a prize here because you didn't.  He is right, he is a butthead.

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, nerdy4dharks said:

I more or less accused him of reaching out to me because the fact I'm fat, average looking that he figured I would be easy to have sex with.

There was really no reason to voice such suspicions, mostly because they are probably false. As a guy who has had his share of casual sex in the past, I assure you that most men have sex with women they are attracted to, not because they are “average looking” or “easy” (whatever that means).

That said, and absolutely regardless of your looks, he apparently wanted casual sex, with no strings attached, and I think he made that pretty clear. At any rate he didn’t seem to mislead you, he made no promises of commitment and actually said he wasn’t looking for a relationship. You simply mistook his interest in a fleeting romantic affair with you for a desire to have a relationship with you. That was the only thing that you did “wrong”.

 

[Sanch62]

You have every right and reason to consider yourself to be committed relationship material and worthy of finding love. If you have a clear regard for yourself as seeking a relationship, hold out for someone who is seeking the same thing and will ask you out for a proper date. This can hopefully lead to more dates to get to know one another, as a whole person, over time.

A late night casual encounter is NOT that. The guy drunk-dialed you to attempt casual sex. Why wouldn't that turn you off enough to turn him down for his next call for the same thing?

This guy never offered you any potential for a relationship. He never even offered you a real date. You were aware of what he wanted when you showed up for him. When you responded badly to that outcome, he offered you some discussion to give you some closure. That's as far as he was willing to go. He was clear about the casual nature of his request from the start, and he never offered to protect you from your own impulses or misunderstandings.

Nobody else on the planet can protect you from an unwillingness to raise your own standards. If you have the respect for yourself to desire a committed relationship, you'll need to go about finding the right person in a more careful way. Casual sex is too big a gamble because it's not designed for what you seek.

Head high, we all learn through living.

[Bettyyyyy]

I just want to say I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were honest about your feelings, you showed vulnerability, and you gave someone a chance who you’d known for a long time. That takes guts.

What happened sounds like a mix of his confusion, poor timing, and honestly... his emotional unavailability. He even admitted he’s not in a place for a relationship and shouldn’t have reached out for something intimate. That’s on him, not you.

Also screw that so-called "friend" who tore you down. That says WAY more about her than it does about you. You deserve people around you who hype you up, not drag you down when you're already unsure.

If he's not texting back now, it’s probably not because you messed up. It might just be that he doesn’t know how to handle emotional maturity or responsibility. It sucks. I know it does. But please don’t blame yourself for being open and real. That’s a strength , not a weakness.

Sending hugs if you need one You're not alone in this.

[Nerdy4Sharks]

I had also told him that I wasn't in a position to have a committed relationship and that I wasn't asking him for one. I told him that I just really wanted to have an opportunity for me to get to know him again. We had been very close friends at one time, but our paths took us in different directions, and I know we both are different people then we were 13 years when we met. I am working through a lot of trauma with a SA and past abuse, so I know I am not in a state to emotionally take on a serious relationship This guy just meant a lot to me as he had believed in me and helped me with my weight loss journey, encouraged me to keep trucking along and I guess I just kind of missed my friend. I know he is going through some stuff with moving back home, working dead end jobs for the past 4 years, a serious breakup in 2020, juggling college...etc. I don't know if men actually think like this, but I had a male friend tell me that this guy might even be intimidated by me, because I have a great job with a wonderful company that pays me well, a brand-new car, my own place that I have been in for 7 years now. When I met him, I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship that put me in so much debt I had to move back home, file bankruptcy, driving a piece of crap truck, very overweight and working a dead-end job and he was the one with a great career, nice car, living in his own place. I guess when he reached out, I was excited, not because I thought he wanted a relationship with me, but that I was given another chance to reconnect with a person that meant a lot to me. Honestly, he was the reason the fire to get healthy was sparked and turned into a wildfire.

[Nerdy4Sharks]

I appreciate everyone who replied and for not being cruel. Thanks for letting me vent and get things off my chest. I didn't go into this situation looking for anything other than what it was at the moment. It was the communication after I explained to him that I wasn't looking for anything from him besides the chance for us to reconnect and get to know each other again and it's clear that's not going to happen. I have deleted his number and removed him from all social media.

[smackie9]

 I get it he was just looking for sex....but IMO he did take advantage of you because "He knew you liked him." I am an old lady, been around the block a few times, and I know the type...type of men. He's a jerk and he knew it. He was nervous because he already felt guilty for what he was about to do. Yes going in you knew what it was, but still you are only human with feelings, you really liked him, and that you got hurt. Now you are here to sort it out, and see where it all went wrong. You blame yourself for way too much and that has to stop. There is a silver lining...with every experience good or bad, you learn something about yourself and IMO that's a gift. You did the right thing by deleting him number to move forward...you are on the right track to healing. You are emotionally stronger than you think...I say you got this...oh and congratz on your weight loss. I hope you see opportunity on sharing your story with others that are struggling with weight loss. I think you would do well with that.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Nerdy4Sharks said:

I have deleted his number and removed him from all social media.

Good. This wasn't a friendship worth rekindling, it turns out. 

5 hours ago, Nerdy4Sharks said:

I don't know if men actually think like this, but I had a male friend tell me that this guy might even be intimidated by me

Maybe, but I don't think it was that deep for him. I think he just wanted to have sex and you seemd up for it, too.  When a man is just looking for casual sex, intimidation doesn't generally factor into it. 

5 hours ago, Nerdy4Sharks said:

I guess when he reached out, I was excited, not because I thought he wanted a relationship with me, but that I was given another chance to reconnect with a person that meant a lot to me

Here's the thing - someone with honorable intentions of reconnecting isn't going to be hitting you up a drunk message at 3am.  Now you will know to avoid men who do this sort of thing if you are looking for a real connection, platonically or romantically.