kitkat.. Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Hi, This is my first post, it looks like a great forum . Sorry if I sound like (or am) a totally horible cheater but I'd really appreciate any advice. I've been an absolute mess in my relationship since October of last year and don't know what to do. My bf and I have been doing long distance for 2 and a half years (i'm at uni) and it started getting hard for me last summer. We were dealing with a lot of things and not just long distance - he's been struggling with job and money issues. These are on-going and I've tried to be very supportive but its dominated a lot of our time together.There were other things too as I started to question whether I was still attracted to him physically. We are the most fantastic companions and I've never had a friend like him, but something feels so wrong and recently its become very complicated. I became attracted to someone else in October after never being tempted once in the whole of our long distance relationship. I know this is partly to do with timing - there are problems in our relationship and my fears about settling down after uni. I talked to my bf a few times about this in Oct and Nov and I asked twice for a break, he said 'no' and that I'm either with him or we split. Eventually, at the end of last year I cheated with this other guy - we were intimate twice and I slept with him. If I'm honest, it was the first time that I've been kissed for so long, my bf and I just don't kiss anymore (he kisses me on the cheek a lot of the time) and I don't know if I'm attracted to him in that way. Its not a totally non-physical relationship, but there are definite issues and sometimes I wonder if we've gone to the companion stage of a relationship in out mid-twenties. I never told my bf about cheating but was/am such an emotional wreck that he realised that I needed the break and has agreed to give me space. The other guy was a player and has since rejected me - which i deserve but it hurts as I'd liked him for a long time and saw a possible future. I don't know what to do. If I stay with my bf and don't tell him about this then I spare his feelings but have to live with this. If I do tell him, I hurt him horribly. Even if he forgave me, I still might not stay with him because I'm so confused. I feel like such an auful, auful person. I truly and deeply care for him but feel totally stiffled in some areas of this relationship and have behaved terribly. I totally realise that I don't deserve sympathy but I would really appreciate advice. Thanks for reading this.
openminded Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 kitkat, I have never been in a LDR but can imagine how difficult it must be. For me, it sounds like you already kind of distanced yourself from your bf. Whenever my relationships came near the end the first "warning signs" for me were that i did not want to kiss the guy that much anymore and that intimacy became less and less frequent (and me less and less interested in it). Don't get me wrong, there's times where all couples are too stressed out or just don't feel like it. Cheating is certainly not a nice thing to do but you won't be the first nor the last doing it. If it really was just a ONS which is not planned to happen again I would not tell him. Yes, you will feel guilty and yes, it feels impossible to act like nothing happened. But living with this guilt is the price you have to pay. Personally I prefer that to hurting his feelings (or having my feelings hurt). It's a different matter though if you continued having affairs or, as you wrote, "see a possible future" with your fling. Maybe you will want to use your break to find out what you expect from this relationship, from your boyfriend and how much effort you both are willing to work this out together. It is not fair to drag out the relationship until you found a "replacement" for your bf and sorry, but this is what it sounds like to me. Imagine your affair hadn't acted like he does now. What if he wanted a relationship with you. Would you?
kitkat. Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Hi openminded, Thanks for the reply, I think its good advice. I agree that not telling him is reasonable if the affair stays in the past and I never stray again. Even if we split, I don't think he needs to know. I want to try and minimise the hurt I have caused if I can and selfishly, I couldn't handle seeing what I've done to him. Your question about a replacement boyfriend was thought provoking. I think the answer might be 'yes', that I did see some sort of future with this other guy and, as a result, the end of my relationship with my bf. Another horrible thing to admit, even to myself. Perhaps that answers the question that I shouldn't be in this relationship and nor should my bf for his sake? Its a strange situation to be in as I have never met anyone who loves me like he does or felt so strongly for someone. But its all ended up with me feeling so confused and behaving so terribly. I think I didn't finish it earlier because of the love he has for me and I was/am scared to be without it. This was despite the fact that I was having all those 'warning signs' for so long. Also, my family treat him like my husband and my own mother says I'd never meet another man like him. That has made it harder. Thanks for not being judgemental when I've clearly been so unpleasant. Thanks.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 I was in a LDR after my boyfriend in highschool moved with his parents because his dad worked for AT&T and they relocated him .. It didn't work at all ,he cheated on me and found out and that was the end of it..Not bashing you for what you done but you tend to look elsewhere when you are longing for that affection and can't do it when they are LDR .. I would never do it again didn't work for me!! I would say you just break up with him and see where things go with you and how you feel from the break and if it is meant to be it will.. Good luck
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