Plantage Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Im 28 years-old and I only JUST started getting over a horrible experience 8 years ago (it was also my first and only relationship but was plagued with problems). My depression (and my experience) left me broke, miserable and with nothing but self-doubt. It took almost 8 years for me to finally go out with someone and it didn't work out. In part because she was in a similar situation and the conditions were just not right for something to happen (we did sleep together as a result of too many drinks and loneiness on both our parts; the result was her crying in the end because she was not ready to get into something like this, and I lost the small amount of confidence in myself I had gained over the years). ANYWAY, we have become friends and she understands my situation (as in, she knows the story, she doesn't understand why I felt as bad as I did, saying it wasn't my fault, and that I shouldn't have been like I was for 8 years...). She said she wants to help me out. She wants to try and get me out to karaoke with her and meet people. Here are the problems. I really don't feel comfortable with all this. I have never gone to bars to meet women and approach women to ask for their numbers. During my 8 years (and some before) I gained over 90 pounds and I have always considered myself ugly, too shy and ackward. I have since lost 80 pounds, but I still think I am fat, ugly, and I don't think any women would actually see anything they would want in me. She says I am one of the nicest, best men she ever met but I don't believe that. I told her that the first test is always visual. It doesn't matter what a woman thinks after a month with me, knowing I am ultra nice and great and all that. If they don't like what they see, how are they going to learn what I am like as a person?! I guess, after this rant (just venting everything out), I just want to know how people who may have experienced something like this got around this. If some women in the forum can help build my confidence by encouraging someone like me to approach. And what a person does when they do approach? I feel like a virgin in a bar and meeting people. I fear going to the bar, not having the nerve to try and my friend giving up on me and I will lose that person who has finally pushed me to do this. My fear in that is she may give up on me when she meets her own guy, not want to do this Karaoke thing anymore and I will be back to square one. Any words of encouragement, advice or suggestions is so much appreciated. I want to move ahead (finally), but I am scared SH*TLESS to do this.
slubberdegullion Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 First of all, forget bars and clubs. They're too loud, too crowded, and they're filled with drunks. Besides, you'll be in competition with the "players" which won't do your ego any good at all. Essentially, what I glean from this is twofold:Your self esteem has taken a beating, and you're locked into a cycle where you think you're not good enough to meet a good woman; and,You're not sure where to go to meet good women. So, first things first. Working on self-esteem is a process; it's not something that FLASH one day you get some insight and all is better. It comes through trial and error, through triumph and failure. We all deal with it in one way or another. So play to your strengths first, then work on those things that give you grief. As far as places to meet women, the list is virtually endless. Do you have a university or college in your town? Take some classes in something that interests you, and you'll meet some like-minded women there. Bookstores are good, as are libraries, and they give you the added benefit of a ready-made subject to talk about. Look what she's picked up and ask her about it. Do you do sports? Join a softball, volleyball or basketball pick-up league. Point is, there are tons of attractive, available women out there who are looking for a good man. So don't despair. Good luck!
Blackard Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Dude, Here is a clip for ya-95% of all people are overweight and unattractive and most "beautiful people" are head cases. I'm the only one who is not. ;p The point I'm making is that YOU have hurt your self esteem because your first and biggest problem is that you CARE what people think of you. You do this because you put them above you, as if they matter. You have given them the power to hurt you...and LOL, most of them are idiots who have their own set of issues THEY should be ashamed of. You should just go out, do as you please, have a good time and not give a rats ass what anyone thinks about you BECAUSE THEY DON'T MATTER. However, by going out, being confident in who you are, not worrying about people, you will give that one (yes, there only has to be one special, wonderfully, awesome woman to come along to change your whole world) the chance to see you, meet you, get to know you.
Author Plantage Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 Thanks for the encouragement. I agree that I put peoples opinions (even those who I don't even know) ahead of my own. Which is why I am so scared to go up to a complete stranger and start a conversation, because I know I am being judged on the conversation and my first impression. I am even like this when I talk to people I know, just not fairly well. If I don't talk to someone for a week or two and see them at work or school (im in my last semester of college) it feels like I am starting over with them. One of my biggest concerns is generally (can't say for a fact though, since I am so inexperienced) is that women tend to go to places like karaoke in packs (2-4). Not just alone. How do I approach someone I am interested in when there is a group of women? I am freaked about talking to a woman one-on-one. Let alone in front of all her friends.
slubberdegullion Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Oh, approaching a woman in a group is a snap once you get the hang of it. Chat up the homeliest one in the group. Not exclusively, of course, but make sure you pay attention to that ugo over there, the one with the babes. I don't know why it works, but it does. BTW, you're not alone in being concerned about other people's opinions. Everyone is like that to some degree. It's how that concern governs your actions that separates the successful from the unsuccessful.
ddnnee Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 suck up ur gut and talk. if you get rejected, big deal... move on and try again. I stumbled many times and learned this.
Author Plantage Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 Suck it up and go for it, is what I have heard so many people tell me (including my friend), but what seems so easy and nature to others seem so amazingly hard and complicated to me. I get nervous whenever I have to speak on the phone to someone I have never spoken to before (like getting information on something). And it is their job to tell me the info. So, going up to someone to try and make my intentions of interest known is 1000x more difficult. Also, the main reason I am doing this now is because on New Year's eve my best friend died of cancer and he was less than two years older than I am. So, it put a lot into my head about trying to start living life, start to enjoy things I have been taking for granted for so long (like sex). My insecurities rise from one thing to the next thing...Not believing I am good looking enough to start a conversation with a woman, how do I approach a woman and make that conversation, when should I ask for her number (will I f*ck it up by asking to soon)? It's all these fears that dwell inside me. What suggestions does everyone have on how to approach and such. Any experiences that work or don't work? If I can't gain off my own experiences right now, I am anxious to learn off the experiences of others. thanks for hearing me out, everyone. Talking about this helps, even if it is just a bit.
daletom Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 I have to agree that the bars and clubs are NOT the league you should be playing in! I think most towns of any size (over, say, 50,000 or so) have "singles' groups", most of which have quite a few people in circumstances similar to yours. Find one (or several) and join up. They often organize around interests - like sports fans, hiking and camping, professions ("IT Singles" is a local one I recently heard about), etc. DO NOT expect - or even try - to use ethe group as a source of dates or hook-ups. Instead, just practice being with, talking to, and interacting with the people there. As you get more experience it'll carry over into other social situations. Do you have any fairly close friends, preferrably a bit older? If you were in your teens or early 20's I'd suggest a coach, Scout leader, even a church Youth Pastor or School Counselor. The key is somebody who knows your personality and has contact with other young people. They can often suggest compatible people and even arrange a meeting for you. Don't just lean on, say, some guy you bowl with to set you up on a blind date - he'll only try to pair you with the first unattached female who crosses his mind. (Autobiographical note: I wasn't quite as old as you, but had gone through a four-year spell similar to what you describe when an older person - as in, old enough to be my parent - listened to me recite a story similar to yours. As a result I was introduced to the girl who would become my wife. But I think it only worked because this friend knew both of us well enough to see the compatibility and encourage our getting acquainted.) In closing I have to say that our culture sees "quiet and shy" people as somehow deficient or handicapped. In actuality, I think many of them have very strong and attractive personalities. Think carefully before you start to pretend being something you're not.
Author Plantage Posted January 20, 2006 Author Posted January 20, 2006 My female friend (she is 21) has said she will help me out. She knows a lot of people (as a woman, many of them women; and she is very sociable). I don't actually think going to karaoke will result in anything. I am doing it just to get out, be social, and at least be out there in public, instead of moping around the house. I'm actually reading a book on shyness right now and the author mentions how shyness is not a disorder and it should be embraced. But the only thing I disagree with in my life to that advice is that people don't give shy people often a chance because to know the great person inside they need to have a visual interest in order to pursue the mental. But thanks for the advice. I take everything in with some hope to my situation.
Lishy Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Hey Plantage - I will tell you a secret ..... When I go out I get guys coming over to me to chat crap at me, I hate it! The guys who I like are the ones who are just having fun with the people they are with or even by themselves! If I see a guy who looks like he is having fun, ie: laughing, dancing or chatting I see him as a fun guy to be around. Chill out and stop looking around for hot girls, just have fun, have a drink, have a dance and let the girls talk to you. If you see a girl you like then smile at her, if she smiles back then great and if not then dont take it personal. I remember a great night out I had. Me and my 4 g/f's where having a laugh and a drink and I went up to a group of guys and they basically ignored me and looked at me like I was mad. So I thought Oh Well and carried on dancing and chatting to other people, well after an hour or so I found myself chatting to the same group of guys but this time they where really friendly and nice - So I say Hey why did you ignore me earlier? You know what they said? They said they couldnt belive a girl like me would want to talk to them and thought that I was just talking to them for a joke! I was so shocked as I am not the hottest girl in the world - But that goes to show that alot of people feel like you do! So my advice is ........ JUST HAVE FUN and stop stressing so much or you will get to a stage where you dont want to go out anymore!
slubberdegullion Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 I was so shocked as I am not the hottest girl in the world Don't let her fool ya. Lishy's HOT
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Lishy, there's a way around that dilemma. Wear pajamas everywhere, like I do. Then no matter how quote-unquote hot you are, you always look friendly and approachable. Strange, but it works like a charm.
slubberdegullion Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Lishy, there's a way around that dilemma. Wear pajamas everywhere, like I do. Then no matter how quote-unquote hot you are, you always look friendly and approachable. Strange, but it works like a charm. That was YOU? In the Winnie the Pooh jammies? Wow... you ARE HOT!! I couldn't take my eyes off of Eeyore!
ehead Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 I used to go out 5 nights a week and never met anyone worth dating. Then I joined actforlove and met my current Love within a month. We've been together for 5 months now, and she is the first girl I've met in 10 years that I think I would actually consider marrying. My lungs, ears, and liver are still thanking me !
noclobber Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 When I go out I get guys coming over to me to chat crap at me, I hate it! oh sweet Lishy Lish... you always get guys drooling over you wherever you go... it is inevitable and men are helpless.. i mean how are we supposed to react when we see a sex-bomb I was so shocked as I am not the hottest girl in the world - But that goes to show that alot of people feel like you do! ... and yet you are oh so modest! God, what a combination! i would die to be with you :love: :love: :love:
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Wow... you ARE HOT!! I couldn't take my eyes off of Eeyore! That one got a smirk out of me, because Eeyore was my last long-term boyfriend's nickname. I could just picture you seeing us together, looking at me and thinking, "she's pretty cute"... but then noticing the vision of a man beside me, and suddenly Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet overture starts playing as little hearts and stars float out of the top of your head... and before you know it, ladies and gentlemen, Slub has officially gone gay. He WAS a complete and total hottie. I wouldn't blame you.
Becoming Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Local churches often have singles groups, too, especially the larger ones. They can be a lot of fun without all the meat-market pressure. What about internet dating? You're probably more attractive than you feel and need a little external validation. Aren't there folks who'll give you a make-over, like the Queer-Eye guys. (As an aside, I looked at my husband's hairy ears the other day and told him I was gonna get the Queer guys after him. Boy, did he look at me funny!) Just a little joke to help you relax and be yourself.
Author Plantage Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 So my advice is ........ JUST HAVE FUN and stop stressing so much or you will get to a stage where you dont want to go out anymore! That is some great advice, Lishy. Thanks for it. It definitely helps build my confidence, which is greatly lacking, as you can tell.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 You seem like a giver, not a taker. A people pleaser and don't want to let anybody down or hurt their feelings. I'm pretty much the same way, I will go out of my way to help friends, family, neighbours - BUT, there are times that you have to say no and not feel bad about it. It is great to want to feel accepted and not judged by others...But, in all reality we can't control what anybody thinks or feels about us. Which leads me to you meeting and dating women. NO more bars. That doesn't work for you as you're not comfy there, because of that you won't feel like yourself, so try to think of fun places. The Zoo, a museum, or even the Library. I'm not saying you will meet the one there, but atleast it will give you confidence to just talk and meet people. Join a class, either cooking or wine making. Something that will make you interact with people you don't know very well. I think once you gain self confidence, learn how to not worry what people think, you will do wonderfully! Remember, what counts is YOU and your feelings. Try putting yourself first more often. It's not a selfish thing to do. It's healthy for ya!
Lishy Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Looks are not the only thing that is attractive! Confidence (or even pretence of confidence) is so damn appealing!
Author Plantage Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 Looks are not the only thing that is attractive! Confidence (or even pretence of confidence) is so damn appealing! Yeah, I admit (of course) that I lack greatly in confidence. My entire situation (so long a story) resulted in me gaining around 80 pounds over the years in which I was dormant from everything social. Now, I have finally shed most of those pounds (people who have known me a long time say I have never looked better; but I never believed I looked good to begin with and think they just say that because they are my friends), I still see myself as the fat, ugly guy, even though the scale and my clothes say another (took out an old pair of pants and they were 44, now I have just started to wear a 36). I guess it just takes time to start realizing that I MAY have something to offer a woman, even if I don't see it physically in me. But it gives me hope that some women don't just see an external element when someone comes and talks with them. Like the Sheryl Crow song goes, "a change would do you good." So, I am starting to make some changes to myself. My friend booked an appoinment today to get a new, more cool hairstyle from this amazing stylist friend of his (my current hair is just sleeked back and people say it makes me look to stern). Meh, it's a start. May boost my confidence a bit. We'll see.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I still see myself as the fat, ugly guy, even though the scale and my clothes say another (took out an old pair of pants and they were 44, now I have just started to wear a 36). And if I may ask, what's your inseam size? I'm gonna tell you once and for all, completely honestly, how fat or skinny you are.
Lishy Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 It doesnt matter how fat or thin he is! The guy I really liked was 220lb!!! Looks do not matter and skinnyness does not matter! I hate skinny men! He needs to muster up some confidence as he is and just have fun!
Author Plantage Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 Well, I am 220 lbs, but I am also six foot, three and I am extremely muscular. In particular my legs (you would have to see them to believe it...I have calves that are pure muscle and measure nearly 18 inches around, with my thighs being as muscular at 22 inches, at around the middle of the thigh. People say I have "popeye" legs, ). My female friend says it is ok for guys to have some extra padding to them. But when you have lived with a bad image of yourself for most of your life, no matter how much better you look, it is an image you can't dismiss. I guess denial is not just a river in Eygpt. But breaking that mental image is hard to do.
Recommended Posts