I dated a colleague casually and ended things peaceably. She later added me to a work group chat, only to remove me shortly afterwards. Why would she do this?

[Missingher181]

I dated someone in my grad cohort on a casual basis for 5 months. She alternated between emotional intensity and aloofness, affection and cruelty, etc. in a way that I found confusing. I also had some reservations as to our compatibility early on, but never firmly acted on them. Approximately three months ago, I inquired as to whether she saw us moving toward anything more solidified. Her answer was vague and evasive, so I announced a desire to distance myself.

I felt confident in the decision. She was at a place where she wanted to focus on herself and have fun exploring options, and I wanted to find commitment in the next couple of years. She had appeared to take an interest in other people, as she’d gone on at least one other date that she confirmed and appeared to flirt heavily with others. Disenchanted with the ambiguity over exclusivity, I’d pursued a few other possibilities myself (albeit reluctantly.) We both seemed fine with it ending. 

However, after inviting me to a coffee in the aftermath of that “breakup” conversation, she came over to my apartment and we were intimate. What I recall her asking was whether I might “be patient.” Because I felt infatuated, despite my misgivings, I clung to that seeming indication that with a brief break, we might pursue something legitimate in the years to come.

After that evening together, all signs of affection seemed to evaporate. She ignored me altogether when we saw one another, made passive-aggressive comments toward me in the company of our colleagues, and generally behaved in ways that were strikingly rude, which I found weird, given that we’d apparently agreed to remain friendly. 

I began to give up on the prospect of friendship after her no-showing a couple of events I’d invited her to without so much as a text explaining her inability to make it. The last straw was her agreeing to hangout after a work function then bowing out as soon as the event wrapped. She sent what seemed like a rather half-hearted “sorry” text afterwards, but I was tired of trying to keep up some semblance of an amicable connection, so I didn’t acknowledge it for some time. After a couple of weeks, I figured I was being childish, so I sent a text to which no reply ever arrived (I didn’t expect one.) I just knew she had a history of being ghosted by former intimates, and I couldn’t bear inflicting that upon her, as disappointed as I was in the whole situation.

Days later, I noticed that I’d been added to a group chat by her, as she was organizing a hangout for our cohort. I was surprised to be included, but was touched by the gesture, and took it as a sign that there were no hard feelings and we could be collegial in the future. Anyway, I woke the next morning to see that she’d removed me overnight. Given the platform that this was on, everyone would be able to see that I’d been singled out for removal, so this felt particularly aggressive and like an attempt to isolate me from our peers.

Why do you think she would do something like this? Also, what, if anything, should I do when everyone is back on campus?

[Gaeta]

People treat us the way they 'feel' about us. I would say she does not like you at all and make every possible effort to avoid you. You probably got added to that chat group by accident. 

You need to forget about this girl. She is treating you like dirt and you're standing by to be thrown some more dirt at you. 

Block her, go back to living your life. When you get back on campus just act like you don't know her. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Come on now, you see some mystery here. '

To me, seems reasonable that this coworker would include you intentionally, thinking you and them can handle being together in a larger group. And then they realized they were being unrealistic--they didn't think they were comfortable dealing with you in the group. Now, this does NOT mean they were mature or right or reasonable in their action.

But there's major mystery here.

This person seems immature and confused--and maybe still processing their previous breakup. What does their view matter to you?