Trusted and got burned

[Aloneagain2222]

38 male here.

was single for around 13 months, then met an older woman (42 ) on a dating app.

dated for around 4 months, taking things slow, getting to know one another. Didn’t kiss let alone sleep with eachother until like the 7/8 date.

 

anyhow fast forward, at our age baggage is normal though I didn’t quite realise how much she had had. She sent me that her last relationship. The guy was a narcissist and that was a two year relationship which ended about two years before I met her. She had dated people since but I’ve not been in a relationship. She said that it really affected her and took her quite some time to get over him. She also mentioned that they had a miscarriage and it’s something that she never truly dealt with.
 

And your stage as our relationship I started to realise that there were behaviours that made me realise that she probably hadn’t dealt with from her past. I quickly noticed that she almost tried to fit my behaviour into how her ex used to be what I mean by that is it seemed as though she was looking at me and how I was as to whether I was the same user X so almost comparing.
 

Fast forward three months into our relationship we had had quite a few arguments that would escalate into conflict because her style was to shut down and basically give me the silent treatment when all I was trying to do was talk to her and figure out why is it escalating into this kind of level and I tried to reassure that I didn’t want to argue? Anyhow little bits and bobs started happening and a noticeable thing was that she was show me some pictures on her camera roll on her phone and she quickly flipped off of it which gave me the gut feeling that there was something there she didn’t want me to see. 
Now part of my insecurities from the past is I’ve had exes who have hidden stuff from me and this brought out my insecurity and I ended up looking on her camera roll while she was in a different room. 

to my horror I found dating pictures of a guy‘s profile back two months prior to when I looked I managed to figure out what the dating site was and I found her dating profile which said it had been active three days ago I confronted her and obviously at first she denied it then she eventually said I wouldn’t understand. It’s not what I think she hasn’t met anyone or spoke to anyone I asked her to show me her inbox and she refused. I ended up breaking up with her a few days later we met up to exchange belongings and she tried to say to me that she was on there out of panic and fear she said because of her miscarriage she is terrified that her body clock is ticking and all she wants to do is have children and she started worrying around the Christmas period about me and her and whether we would work out so she went on the dating site again she reiterated she’d never met anyone spoke to anyone or exchanged numbers but she still never showed me her inbox. I decided to believe her and make a girl of things because I appreciate how traumatic it could be to lose a child

 

fast forward a couple of months to a month ago and we have been having some issues the same kind of escalating arguments but then we seem to have turned a new leaf where we had a couple of days apart and things were going really well for a week and then one day she just went AWOL she acted very out of character. She didn’t open any of my messages for a whole day. She didn’t respond to my missed calls and then eventually I had a message off her to say that she had gotten back from visiting her brother in London and she had gone out to meet a friend for drinks burning mine that morning she said she had no money opposite at this point my alarm bells went off and I didn’t trust her. I went over to hers said to her that I didn’t trust her. I said I don’t believe that you were out with your friend and she said she was, I asked her if she would show me her WhatsApp messages and she refused even though back when we had the issue with the dating site she told me if I ever wanted to look on her phone don’t go behind her back just ask her and she’ll show me 

 

needless to say, I walked out that evening with my stuff because I was angry. I was upset. I left it a few days and I reached out to her to talk and she just ignored me over the last month. I’ve reached out a handful of times because I guess part of me wanted closure, I just wanted to understand what actually happened that day you know was she actually with someone else or has she already checked out the relationship in total? I reached out about six times in a month and every time she ghosted me and ignored me it’s to the point that she has blocked me on Facebook but she hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp. I deleted all her contact information so I have no way now to see her or contact her trying to pick up the pieces and I have spoken to friends and my counsellor and a lot of people have told me why did I stay with her after she had been on a dating site for the first three months of a new relationship? 

 

This is where I’m left picking up the pieces because I don’t know. I myself had baggage going into the relationship and insecurities around trust which I was very open and honest with her. I told her my insecurities and exactly what I had been through with my exes because I thought if I was honest from the beginning, then hopefully the reassurance would come from her and would help alleviate my fears 

 

I appreciate this is a very long opening intro and there is obviously a lot of information I haven’t been able to contain in this text but I am heartbroken this older woman who is now almost 43 ghosted me and it hurts because at this stage I was basically living around her apartment.

 

I’m trying to peace together more so why did I stay with her after I found out? She was on a dating site because there is no excuse for that? I wonder is my self esteem that low? Do I think that little of myself?

 

currently wondering if I’m depressed or just grieving and very sad

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're strugglging, OP. 

I am her age (nearly 44), and I am not sure why you make this comment: 

2 hours ago, Aloneagain2222 said:

I am heartbroken this older woman who is now almost 43 ghosted me

What does her age have to do with it? People of any age can be tools and behave the way she did. You're also only, what, 5 years younger? That isn't really a remarkable age gap. 

Anyway, I also wonder why you chose to ignore huge red flags. She had the audacity to use her miscarriage as an excuse for being on a dating app. That is despicable and total garbage. That was not a trauma response. That was her scrambling to make herself a victim with something you might buy. And, well, it worked since you bought it. Please don't fall for nonsense like that again. 

2 hours ago, Aloneagain2222 said:

I just wanted to understand what actually happened that day you know was she actually with someone else or has she already checked out the relationship in total?

Understand that people who behave this way are not likely ever going to be honest with you.

Please let this woman go, and do better at protecting your heart next time. She showed you early on that she would be trouble. Listen to your gut in the future. 

[Aloneagain2222]

Thank you for the reply. I guess mentioning her age I stupidly thought going for someone a little older they might have the emotional maturity to handle situations better.

that is currently what I’m picking apart - why did I ignore the red flags. Why did I take her back after the dating site situation. I guess because I ‘wanted’ to believe her. I had built up this vision of our future though it was with the idealised version of her.

 

dont worry - I’m left picking up the pieces. I feel foolish for reaching out after I was ghosted. Just never thought that happened in relationships. Always thought it was a dating incident.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/27/2025 at 10:19 PM, Aloneagain2222 said:

I guess mentioning her age I stupidly thought going for someone a little older they might have the emotional maturity to handle situations better.

The odds are better, but iit's not a given. I know a few people my age and older who act like emotionally stunted teenagers. 

On 5/27/2025 at 10:19 PM, Aloneagain2222 said:

I had built up this vision of our future though it was with the idealised version of her.

So, try to get to the bottom of why you had idealized her and your future this way. It's normal to want things to work out when we really like someone, but when you're hagning on to that hope at the expense of your well-being (in this, by overlooking her bad behaviour) you need to go deeper and figure out why you are doing so. 

Had you been unlucky in love until that point? Feeling the need to find someone and settle down?