Meeting his female best friend felt odd

[Gina2005]

Hello!

We have been a couple for a little more than a month, I already met some of his friends, who were a group of couples, and I felt fine, they were very nice and welcoming.

This past weekend was his best friend birthday, she held a party at her place and invited us, she wanted to meet me, and while she was polite, things felt strange, she barely made any eye contact with me, and made some comments that didn't felt nice, not because of what she said, but the tone used, she sounded sarcastic, specially when my age was mentioned in the conversation, things felt kind of hostile if I'm being honest.

She Is not part of the group I met before, they are his high school buddies and she is older than them, my boyfriend met her online some years ago and from what he has told me she has a bunch of friends she has met online, almost everybody at her party (boys and girls) she met online except for a few people.

I don't think she liked me at all, I don't want to tell him anything but I don't feel like I want see her ever again.

Is it possible that she has been like in love with my boyfriend all these years or could it be that she just doesn't like for some reason?

I'm just trying to find an explanation to her behavior.

[BaileyB]

I say, trust your intuition. 

If it did not feel comfortable for you, you are not wrong to tell him that. But, it has only been one month and one meeting. I would maybe take more time to suss it out to be sure that you understand the dynamic here. I would be curious to know how often he talks/spends time with this woman? 

I do believe that men and women can have platonic friendship. But, I would be a little cautious with the dynamic here… what is her motive here and why has he chosen this friendship for himself?  It’s an odd dynamic, to be sure.

Edited May 27 by BaileyB

[Gina2005]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I say, trust your intuition. 

If it did not feel comfortable for you, you are not wrong to tell him that. But, it has only been one month and one meeting. I would maybe take more time to suss it out to be sure that you understand the dynamic here. I would be curious to know how often he talks/spends time with this woman? 

I do believe that men and women can have platonic friendship. But, I would be a little cautious with the dynamic here… what is her motive here and why has he chosen this friendship for himself?  It’s an odd dynamic, to be sure.

They talk every day that's a fact, they don't see each other so often, maybe once every two months or something similar.

I don't understand the last part of your message.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

Is it possible that she has been like in love with my boyfriend all these years or could it be that she just doesn't like for some reason?

Could be either or. Or both. Or neither.

It's a little hard to guess when we don't know someone and may be misinterpreting what they say or how they say it. I don't mean that you are making things  up, but I would actually see how she is the next time you interact with her in person. I wouldn't assume just yet that she doesn't like you or wants your boyfriend. It's also possible she has a sharp personality in general or was having an off day. 

3 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

made some comments that didn't felt nice, not because of what she said, but the tone used, she sounded sarcastic, specially when my age was mentioned in the conversation, things felt kind of hostile

Can you give us an example of what she said? 

[Gina2005]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Can you give us an example of what she said? 

She joked several times about me being younger than what I really am: she made a joke about me being below the age of consent, she later took it further and joked about me being in kindergarden.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

She joked several times about me being younger than what I really am: she made a joke about me being below the age of consent, she later took it further and joked about me being in kindergarden.

Ok, so this is not just about the tone she used. She said things that were plainly rude. 

How did your boyfriend respond to this?

[Gina2005]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ok, so this is not just about the tone she used. She said things that were plainly rude. 

How did your boyfriend respond to this?

He wasn't around, one time he was away getting us something to drink, another time, he was pulled aside by somebody else at the party who wanted to talk to him.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

She joked several times about me being younger than what I really am: she made a joke about me being below the age of consent, she later took it further and joked about me being in kindergarden.

This is very rude! Have you told your boyfriend? What did he do about it?

I am going to tell you something very important. The most important thing in a relationship is not how his crowd treat you - the most important thing is how HE manages members of his crowd disrespecting you. You understand the difference? 

If your boyfriend does not go up to this friend to tell her he expects her to respect you as his girlfriend, to never EVER use this tone with you, then he's not worthy of being your boyfriend. Do not date a man that does not take your defense loud and clear.

[Gina2005]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

This is very rude! Have you told your boyfriend? What did he do about it?

I am going to tell you something very important. The most important thing in a relationship is not how his crowd treat you - the most important thing is how HE manages members of his crowd disrespecting you. You understand the difference? 

If your boyfriend does not go up to this friend to tell her he expects her to respect you as his girlfriend, to never EVER use this tone with you, then he's not worthy of being your boyfriend. Do not date a man that does not take your defense loud and clear.

No, I haven't told him,   I don't want to make a big deal about it.

 

[Sanch62]

Given that you're only a month into dating BF, I think you're smart to hold off on voicing any judgments about this friend just yet. Wait and see where this relationship goes and learn more about how often you might cross paths with her.

This might just be a balance of allowing your feelings for one another to escalate or not, even while the friend might expose her jealousy to BF and come off as a shrew. Who knows? In that case, she might offend BF enough to hang herself.

I'd stay observant, but I wouldn't call this yet.

[Gina2005]

55 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Learn more about how often you might cross paths with her.

 

I'd stay observant, but I wouldn't call this yet.

Yeah, it's not like I'm gonna see her a lot, probably on my boyfriend's birthday.

[MsJayne]

I'm guessing he's sung your praises to her, told her how great you are and that he hopes your relationship pans out, and she's eaten up with jealousy. Her remarks about you are just plain spiteful, how dare she comment on your appearance? Notice that she said these things when he was out of earshot? That's how jealous b*tches operate. You're right not to say anything about her at this point, but when it comes to it you'll have to speak up. You say she's his best friend, but I'd argue that. A true friend would be warm and welcoming towards you because they'd want him to be happy. Anyway, if the next time you have to put up with this poisonous cow is your BF's birthday you'll have bonded more with his proper friend circle by then and you'll be more a part of that circle than she is. It's a problem that he talks to her every day, that makes her a third wheel in your relationship, but be patient, the longer you're together the less relevant she'll be. But, at some point you'll have to make it clear that it's not cool if he's discussing your relationship with her, that's not OK under any circumstances because she's biased against you. 

[Gina2005]

15 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I'm guessing he's sung your praises to her, told her how great you are and that he hopes your relationship pans out, and she's eaten up with jealousy. Her remarks about you are just plain spiteful, how dare she comment on your appearance? Notice that she said these things when he was out of earshot? That's how jealous b*tches operate. You're right not to say anything about her at this point, but when it comes to it you'll have to speak up. You say she's his best friend, but I'd argue that. A true friend would be warm and welcoming towards you because they'd want him to be happy. Anyway, if the next time you have to put up with this poisonous cow is your BF's birthday you'll have bonded more with his proper friend circle by then and you'll be more a part of that circle than she is. It's a problem that he talks to her every day, that makes her a third wheel in your relationship, but be patient, the longer you're together the less relevant she'll be. But, at some point you'll have to make it clear that it's not cool if he's discussing your relationship with her, that's not OK under any circumstances because she's biased against you. 

You're exactly right, her first words were  "I really wanted to meet you, he's crazy about you".

But, she didn't sound sincere, not like his other friends I had met before.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

But, she didn't sound sincere, not like his other friends I had met before.

No, I’m sure she didn’t.

If she is making snide comments when your boyfriend/her friend is out of earshot and not in his presence, that says a lot about her intentions. She has the insight to know that she shouldn’t say those things when he is present - but that doesn’t stop her from making rude comments when he is out of earshot.

It’s early in the relationship and you have only met her once. Personally, I would give it a pass and see what happens the next time that you are together. If it happens again, I would talk with him. Gaeta is right - you will want to watch closely to see how he handles the situation… because that will demonstrate for you what to expect in the future. 

I would also be watching to see if their communication declines now that he is in a relationship with another woman. Most people generally expect to be the primary source support and companionship in a relationship. It sounds like these two are quite close, even if they don’t see each other in person often. There is a level of intimacy here and it will be interesting to see if that shifts - or not. 

[Gina2005]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, I’m sure she didn’t.

If she is making snide comments when your boyfriend/her friend is out of earshot and not in his presence, that says a lot about her intentions. She has the insight to know that she shouldn’t say those things when he is present - but that doesn’t stop her from making rude comments when he is out of earshot.

It’s early in the relationship and you have only met her once. Personally, I would give it a pass and see what happens the next time that you are together. If it happens again, I would talk with him. Gaeta is right - you will want to watch closely to see how he handles the situation… because that will demonstrate for you what to expect in the future. 

I would also be watching to see if their communication declines now that he is in a relationship with another woman. Most people generally expect to be the primary source support and companionship in a relationship. It sounds like these two are quite close, even if they don’t see each other in person often. There is a level of intimacy here and it will be interesting to see if that shifts - or not. 

probably she is feeling not as important in his life now that he has me.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

probably she is feeling not as important in his life now that he has me.

Not as important or a little threatened. 

[Gina2005]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Not as important or a little threatened. 

Threatened? By me? How?

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

Threatened? By me? How?

Because, it would be expected that her communication and connection with your boyfriend is likely to decline as your relationship grows.

My husband and I have lots of friends and we have continued to maintain these friendships - no problems. One of my dear friends is in town right now caring for his parents. We’ve known each other since childhood, he’s actually married to one of my best friends (we all grew up together). He’s been to our house for dinner, and if I said to my husband that I was going to meet this male friend for a walk or a drink or a movie - he would say, no problem. But, if we were texting and communicating on a daily basis… that would likely be a problem. All relationships need to have boundaries to be healthy. There are things shared between a couple that are not shared with others. And, most people would have the expectation that their relationship partner is going to be their primary partner - spending time together, talking, sharing the intimate things about their day, their life, their feelings. 

I can imagine that she would expect that he will be spending more time with you and not talking/sharing as much as he has with her - it’s naturally what happens when one begins a new relationship. This could be perceived by her as threatening - her relationship with your boyfriend will inevitably change as he becomes more invested in his relationship with you. 

[Gina2005]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Because, it would be expected that her communication and connection with your boyfriend is likely to decline as your relationship grows.

My husband and I have lots of friends and we have continued to maintain these friendships - no problems. One of my dear friends is in town right now caring for his parents. We’ve known each other since childhood, he’s actually married to one of my best friends (we all grew up together). He’s been to our house for dinner, and if I said to my husband that I was going to meet this male friend for a walk or a drink or a movie - he would say, no problem. But, if we were texting and communicating on a daily basis… that would likely be a problem. All relationships need to have boundaries to be healthy. There are things shared between a couple that are not shared with others. And, most people would have the expectation that their relationship partner is going to be their primary partner - spending time together, talking, sharing the intimate things about their day, their life, their feelings. 

I can imagine that she would expect that he will be spending more time with you and not talking/sharing as much as he has with her - it’s naturally what happens when one begins a new relationship. This could be perceived by her as threatening - her relationship with your boyfriend will inevitably change as he becomes more invested in his relationship with you. 

I can understand that, but, wouldn't it be selfish from her to expect otherwise?

I mean, shouldn't she be happy he is dating again? Instead of jealous and hostile?

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

I mean, shouldn't she be happy he is dating again? Instead of jealous and hostile?

That would be a kind and generous way for her to be, yes. 

Is that how she will respond to the fact that he has found a new relationship for himself - only time will tell. 

One can actually be both happy that he has found happiness in a new relationship and also feeling personally anxious, sad, and envious/jealous given about how this change in circumstance may affect their own life…

That said - it’s bound to happen sooner or later. It’s very unlikely that he will never date or find a relationship.

Edited May 28 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I would focus less on her, and more on your boyfriend. 

He doesn't know what she said to you, but if there are future incidents like this, you really need to observe how he reacts. If she says something to her and nips it in the bud, all good. If he brushes it off, does nothing, or otherwise dismisses your concerns , then you would have a problem. 

At this point, I wouldn't stress over her. If she is jealous (and you donì't actually know if she is), let her be jealous. Not your problem. What counts is how your boyfriend handles this. 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

I can understand that, but, wouldn't it be selfish from her to expect otherwise?

I mean, shouldn't she be happy he is dating again? Instead of jealous and hostile?

This would be a reasonable expectation, but we don't know that she's reasonable. Or not jealous with a crush on your BF.

This is why I would hold back on complaining to him about her.

If she's snide to you in secret, she's setting you up to raise a problem with BF. If you 'manage' her by minimizing her importance and letting her pettiness roll off your back, that's a pushback that sets her up to be the one who comes out sideways on BF. She'll reveal her hostility in some way, shape, or form, while you remain the great GF. So she's the one causing BF stress and problems, not you.

Often, the best and fastest way to win a power struggle is to not play.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Often, the best and fastest way to win a power struggle is to not play.

Absolutely. You are in a position of power OP, take the high road and let this go.

Enjoy this new relationship, focus on getting to know him and building the relationship. Best wishes. 

[Gina2005]

Thank you all, I have a more clear idea of what could be going on here.

See you next time!

 

[Gina2005]

I probably shouldn't have, but I did some research on her and their relationship, and in some of her social media posts, like photos with him, she refers to herself as one of the most important women in his life.

I didn't find any hint of romantic or compromising situations, it was something like they were sister and brother.

Maybe her problem with me is more of an ego thing.