Ugh. I just destroyed my relationship.

[BilgeD]

I feel so terrible.

 

I had a casual relationship with a woman for about two years. It started as simple flirting, progressed into more serious relationship/friendship. We eventually grew to love one another. Unfortunately, neither of us expressed it until it was too late.

 

Then during the summer she began dating someone else. Once there was someone else in the picture, I had realized that I had fallen for her. I tried finding time to tell her this, but her communications with me soon fell away. I hardly heard from her, she never returned my emails. Finally, during the fall, I sent her an email that telling her how I loved her. She never replied and I figured I nailed the coffin closed. This commenced about a month and a half of no contact.

 

Then, during the holidays, she emailed me - wishing me happy holidays and asking to meet up for a meal and to celebrate the new year. Not knowing what to think, I agreed and we met just after the New Year.

 

The evening started off casually enough - good food and some wine. We talked about our holidays. Here I learned she was still with her current boyfriend. It made me a bit sad - and confused. Nothing was mentioned about my "I love you" email to her. I found it difficult to bring it up - particularly given that we were having a good time, and I didn't want to deflate the conversation with heavy talk about my email to her. Still I was confused. Why were we meeting if she was seeing someone she was serious about?

 

After dinner we were saying goodbye. I asked her if I could kiss her good night and she declined. I soon felt sad - and she could tell. I was drunk from two martinis and I felt like I couldnt bring up the "I love you" mail now, - not while we parting and not during this rejection. We said our goodbyes and I left in a cab.

 

While in the cab, I felt bad putting such a downer on the end of the evening. I called her on my mobile and apologized. I then made the mistake of bringing up the email. She said that she had received it and didn't know what to say. I then went into how much I loved her and to what lengths I had been thinking about her during our months of no contact. She expressed that she had fallen in love with me earlier in our relationship, but had been reluctant to tell me. However, she was now involved with someone else and couldn't just end it right then and there because of how I felt. She knew from the email how much I liked her (she even said that it seemed I liked her more than her bf). I then proceeded to go on and on about how I loved her and how great a woman she is. She then expressed that she didn't want to hurt me and didn't want to give me false hope (I never found out why she said this specifically, but I feel it was because she is really serious about her bf). She suggested we meet at a later date and discuss the matters when she wasn't as tired and I wasn't as drunk. I then gave her an ultimatum of saying that she could either have me in her life or not. She then said she didn't want to have to answer this, and how ispecial I was to her. After what seemed like hours, she finally said "no."

 

Devastated, I made some quick small talk and ended the phone call. The next day, I didnt know what to do with myself. I wanted to reach out to her but I gave it a day and then shot her a quick email saying that we should have waited to have the conversation as she suggested. She didnt reply. I then called her today and left a voicemail saying how sorry I was and that her friendship is what's most important to me and that I would like to have that conversation that she suggested (and without alcohol in the mix). I ended the voicemail with a "please call, or at least send me an email saying you got this message."

 

I just now received a mail from her saying she received the message. She made no reference to meeting up to discuss these matters and only said that she knows that this is a very hard point in my life (a whole other story) and that I should remember that I have friends that love and support me (I wonder if she was including herself in that group). I was also tempted to reply, but I don't want her to feel I baited her with a confirmation email. In fact, I'm a bit happy that she felt inclined to reply at all.

 

The end.

 

I now feel so terrible - and I feel there's no recourse with this woman who I fell in love with, and didn't tell her in time.

 

Logistically, it seems I ruined this. From not recognizing her falling for me soon enough and for me not telling her soon enough, to my drunken blather about how much I loved her - I can't believe I totally missed the boat on this one. I know time might eventually heal things here, but given how serious she is becoming with her current bf, it looks like I might never have the chance now.

 

Thanks for reading through this long story. If anyone has any thoughts or feeling about the above, I'd love to hear them.

[slubberdegullion]

Oh, man, this blows.

 

Having been on the empty end of unrequited love more than once in my life, I know exactly - and I do mean exactly - how you feel. I get the sense that she liked your company, your erotic time together, and the fact that she could count on you, but she never really fell in love with you. If she had, then I have little doubt that she would have expressed it in some way before finding her way into someone else's arms.

 

Will she come back? Maybe, maybe not. At this point, I think the best you can do is remember your time with her with fondness, instead of constantly referring back to the potential loss of love. Besides, if it can happen once, it can surely happen again.

 

But in the meantime, honour the feelings of loss, respect her decision, and don't don't don't send her any emails or contact her in any way. Your healing has just begun, and any contact with her right now will put you back where you really don't want to be.

 

Good luck.

[BilgeD]

Thanks for the feedback, Slubberdegullion. I think you're right.

 

However, there were points in our relationship in hindsight that I think she was trying to tell me she loved me. Our fathers passed within a few months of one another - an event that really brought us close together. During my birthday this year, she gave me a number of gifts that would remind me of my dad. It was such a thoughtful gift, it brought me to tears. I think this was the first moment that made me see her in a different light.

 

Again, I think you're right. She reached out to me once from having no contact. And although I think this time was much more damaging, it could happen again - but only if I don't push the situation any further.

 

Man, this sucks.

[JayKay]

Oh Bilge, that's rough...

 

 

I've been on both ends of it. I lost a good friend because I realized too late I LOVED him loved him, not just as a friend. I pushed him so far I damaged the relationship beyond repair. I really mourned that one for a long while.

 

 

Years later, I dated a guy that I liked a lot. He wanted to keep things casual. We'd break things off, then get back together, break things off, then get back together. I think we both felt a lot of chemistry. Finally I got sick of the head games and started dating other people in earnest. I met a wonderful guy who I fell in love with and am still with. The guy I broke things off with tried desperately to get me to come back to him for a while, proclaiming he hadn't realized what he had until it was too late.

And I pointed out, yes...it WAS too late.

 

 

Unfortunately, I think we all make these mistakes at some point in our lives. Hopefully, it teaches us to be truer to ourselves and our feelings and not to be so scared to express affection.

 

Good luck moving on from this and I'm sure the next time you meet someone special you'll be more willing to give of yourself.

[BilgeD]

Thanks for your reply, JayKay.

 

I guess the part that confuses me is why she reached out to me. After the final "I love you" email and month+ of no contact, I began thinking that it was over and moving on. I tried to put myself in her shoes - and I don't think I would have suggested getting together for a meal if the last contact we had was that person revealing how much they loved me.

 

I guess I wanted to believe she wanted me back in her life again.

[JayKay]

Sometimes people want to see their 'ex' one last time for closure.

 

They may want a chance to explain themselves in person, have a chance to be heard and have things end on a pleasanter note than they might otherwise.

 

This is the time to clear up any lingering misunderstandings, clear the air, etc.

 

I know when I've had breakups in the past, I usually wanted a chance to talk after we'd both cooled off and could have a rational discussion.

[BilgeD]

True - though none of this came up. I do think she might have had that intention though. In fact, we spent most of the meal speaking about the things we would do together in the future. It was really odd - the entire meal was spent updating each other about our lives (though she avoided speaking about her relationship) and speaking about doing things together in the future.

 

Its possible she wanted to contact me so that we could continue as friends - (which I think I can eventually do, once I've mourned this enough) - and felt strange about bringing it up once she saw that I was obviously in love with her.

 

Its really confusing - and I'm mourning not only the loss of her as a romantic partner, but also as a really good friend.

 

Thanks for your feedback, JayKay.

[slubberdegullion]

Sometimes people want to see their 'ex' one last time for closure.

 

They may want a chance to explain themselves in person, have a chance to be heard and have things end on a pleasanter note than they might otherwise.

 

This is the time to clear up any lingering misunderstandings, clear the air, etc.

 

I know when I've had breakups in the past, I usually wanted a chance to talk after we'd both cooled off and could have a rational discussion.

I personally don't buy the whole "closure" thing. From painful personal experience, I've found that the only thing that provides any sort of bookend on the end of a relationship is simply respecting the fact that it's over and moving on. Contacting the ex for "one last talk" has always - and I do mean always - caused more angst than it solved. But maybe that's just me.

[BilgeD]

I personally don't buy the whole "closure" thing. From painful personal experience, I've found that the only thing that provides any sort of bookend on the end of a relationship is simply respecting the fact that it's over and moving on. Contacting the ex for "one last talk" has always - and I do mean always - caused more angst than it solved. But maybe that's just me.

 

I agree with you Slubber. However, I feel some honestly believe they can have closure, but they are really fooling themselves - particularly if only one person has moved on.

 

It still confuses me in this scenario though. My last contact with her (before meeting for this meal) was this love letter email. I can't imagine she felt I would have felt differently with only a month between sending the mail and meeting up.

 

Sorry if I keep belaboring this point - I'm just really hurting about this.

[cygny]

I agree with you Slubber. However, I feel some honestly believe they can have closure, but they are really fooling themselves - particularly if only one person has moved on.

 

It still confuses me in this scenario though. My last contact with her was this love letter email. I can't imagine she felt I would have felt differently with only a month between sending the mail and meeting up.

 

Sorry if I keep belaboring this point - I'm just really hurting about this.

 

 

I think she has very fond feelings for you which probably simmer in the background of her current affair. Your biggest mistake was giving her the ultimatum. You should have just been patient and flirty and waited for their relationship to show some crack and then you would have been right there.

[BilgeD]

I think she has very fond feelings for you which probably simmer in the background of her current affair. Your biggest mistake was giving her the ultimatum. You should have just been patient and flirty and waited for their relationship to show some crack and then you would have been right there.

 

 

I think you're right, Cygny. I think I had bottled up my feelings for so long, and when I finally had the opportunity to reveal what they were, they just poured out. That, with two martinis = I really ruined it.

 

I called her yesterday and left a voicemail apologizing for my actions - and asking to retract the ultimatum, just so I can have her in my life again as a friend - but it seems that the damage is done already.

[cygny]

ok. don't do any more apologizing. you've said it once and now put it in the past. to repair this you will now have to act like you've accepted her as just a friend. you need to take the emotional pressure off of her. if i were you i would IMMEDIATELY start dating someone else and leave her wondering about whether you still are in love with her. then you can flirt with her.

[BilgeD]

Well, I don't know if I can immediately get into that scene, but I know this is definitely a point of no contact again. Contacting her will only amplify things at this point, I'm sure.

 

I just hope she finds it in her heart to contact me again. Wow - this hurts so much.

[slubberdegullion]

Look, BilgeD, yearning after her isn't going to do you any good whatsoever. Cygny is right, your best bet at this point is to stay socially connected. That doesn't necessarily mean leaping into bed with the first SWT (sweet young thang) that comes along - though it may happen (if you're lucky!) - but it does mean that you'll be better off by staying busy socially. Not only will it keep your mind off of the issues that are causing you such pain, you might even meet someone interesting!

 

And remember, it's SUPPOSED to hurt, otherwise you'd end up questioning your original feelings for her.

 

So go out, hang with your buddies, have fun, meet some people. Enjoy LIFE!!

 

Good luck!

[cygny]

yeah and if you can't go out and enjoy yourself for you quite yet, then do it because it will take the emotional pressure off of her (she may find out somehow and feel more comfortable contacting you again.) She needs to think that you are NOT hurting and are doing just fine, or she will avoid you because she doesn't want to hurt you or doesn't want to have another awkward conversation.

Her feelings for you can be reawakened but only if her current relationship fizzles and you are off having fun without her.

 

It may be helpful for you to realize that the intensity of your feelings of love for her may have something to do with her having moved on. The feeling that you no longer have her as your own. It's just the way attraction/passion works.

 

Good luck-- I know this hurts but it will get better.

[BilgeD]

yeah and if you can't go out and enjoy yourself for you quite yet, then do it because it will take the emotional pressure off of her (she may find out somehow and feel more comfortable contacting you again.) She needs to think that you are NOT hurting and are doing just fine, or she will avoid you because she doesn't want to hurt you or doesn't want to have another awkward conversation.

Her feelings for you can be reawakened but only if her current relationship fizzles and you are off having fun without her.

 

It may be helpful for you to realize that the intensity of your feelings of love for her may have something to do with her having moved on. The feeling that you no longer have her as your own. It's just the way attraction/passion works.

 

Good luck-- I know this hurts but it will get better.

 

I think you're right, cygny. I think my feelings became amplified once I saw that the opportunity to be romantically involved with her slipped past. I don't think this means my feelings were false - just stronger because it made her unavailable.

 

I'm trying to move on - though it really hurts. If I felt there was a reasonable chance to be a friend again, I would feel better about it - but given this episode, I feel like it will take years for the awkwardness of this situation to dissipate.

 

Who knew expressing your love for a person would get you in so much trouble??

[slubberdegullion]

Who knew expressing your love for a person would get you in so much trouble??

Happens all the time, dude.

[BilgeD]

Happens all the time, dude.

 

Jeez. It's really true. I guess its all in the matter of how you do it, really.