I feel like long distance is what will finally break us

[brownhairedgirl]

I (27 y F) have been with my guy (28 y M) for just over 5 years now. 

We have been living together for maybe 4 of those years? Feels like forever. I can say he's your typical nice guy, someone who you would think would never hurt you and would never have to worry about him cheating on you. But I guess in the end he did hurt me but just not in the way I expected.

Early on in the relationship we did break up, for not even a week, due to him not getting a job (he got laid off a couple months prior) and for him spending his entire free time gaming online and leaving all the housework and responsibility to me- with no desire to change this any time soon.

Anyway, I say not even a week as I got guilted into giving him a second chance. We had both not been in serious relationships before and I really did want him to try and be better but wasn't sure if he would be able to execute that. 

With time, he did improve. He made more of an effort and could tell he was trying. I mean no one is perfect right?

His career always came before mine, which was fine as I've never been too serious about mine. He got offered a job interstate and asked if I would move with him. This was a huge deal but after a discussion about pros and cons, I decided to move with him, quit my job and leave all my family and friends behind to support him. 

After a year we ended up moving back home and another opportunity to advance his career came up but this move was overseas to America. This was an opportunity that if he didn't take it I feel like he would regret it for the rest of his life so we agreed we should do it.

I have always loved the idea of exploring America's national parks etc. So was actually looking forward to moving with him. However, I wasn't able to move with him straight away as he has to do 3 months worth of training. 

But here's my dilemma. I can't actually go over with him to live unless I get a work visa or if we get married. 

We have discussed before that the end goal for us was to one day get married and have kids- but when I ask him when that might be he always freaks out and says he doesn't want to have them now and quickly changes the subject. I mean I'm not in a rush to have kids anyway but he always gets so uptight when I try and talk to him about it. 

So, now that we have been in a committed relationship for so long and I'm not terrified by the idea of getting married and moving overseas- now that I'm all for that he has done a 360 and doesn't want to do it anymore. 

I'm finding it very hard not to worry about how I will get over there as there are no work visas whatsoever that I would be qualified/eligible for. 

He keeps saying that we won't need to get married I'll be able to get a work visa no problems! I have done countless job searches and have spent lots of time reading up on eligibility and laws regarding visas and the right to work in America and I honestly can't see any work around. 

Before we moved interstate this America job was an option back then but we were 2 years into our relationship and hadn't lived together very long so to move overseas back then was not really an option for me. But as we were discussing at that time he suggested we just get married as the whole living together/visa process would be a whole lot simpler. 

Time zones have been incredibly hard as well. He's never been great with communicating, especially texting but would have thought he would be putting in more of an effort considering the situation. When he does message, it's usually to say he's having drinks with the boys after work or he's going out for dinner and hanging out with friends of friends. He seems to be having such a great time without me- meanwhile he's left me behind and I couldn't afford the rental by myself so had to move back in with my parents which is an hour away from my work and my work has sort of taken a turn for the worst and the only reason I'm hanging on is because I don't want to start a new job then have to leave straight away to move to America. I'm basically in limbo. 

I feel like I'm getting grayer by the day. I'm constantly crying, if a sad song comes on I'm balling my eyes out. I think about him all the time and check my phone literally any chance I get to see if he's messaged. He usually hasn't. I'm always the one messaging him and calling him saying that I love him and miss him. My chest literally hurts when I think about him. I honestly didn't realise how hard this was going to be and how much I was going to miss him.

I keep asking what are we going to do and what's the plan but he keeps saying it will all work out and don't worry. He says work might be moving to a new location soon so there might not be a point of me moving over there yet til we know that's where he will be based for the rest of his visa. 

But another problem is I'm hoping to go over there and visit end of August so at least I have something to look forward to- but flights are sooooo expensive and I don't have that much annual leave saved up so the trip will be pretty costly and I told him that I might not be able to visit again in a really long time- not to mention work probably won't approve it anyway. 

But he didn't really seem to have a problem with that. He also just recently got his parents to sell his car and when I was talking to him the other day he said that he was going to tell his parents that they can just keep the money for the car and use it to go visit him! 

Which I was like that's very generous of you but what about me!? I'm your partner who is financially struggling and who might not be able to afford to come visit you in a very long time and you're just gonna give that money to your parents!? Who both retired before they were 60 btw and who have multiple investment properties and who have just inherited quite a large sum of money from a family member so it's not like they need any help in that department.

Is that actually crazy?! When I talked to him about this he was saying that it's his money and he can do with it what he likes and said that he wasn't going to pay for me to come visit him. 

I got so mad and upset and couldn't believe what he was saying. I told him if the roles were reversed I would 100% do anything I could to see him even if it meant paying for a flight or something. 

I told him how it sounded like he doesn't care if he sees me or not and would rather see his parents than his partner. He told me I was acting crazy and was being dramatic.

I told him how I'm still mentally struggling and didn't know how hard this was going to be and I thought we were going to work this out together. 

I literally have said I will do anything- I will get ANY job- the important thing is that we're together.

He told me he couldn't afford to pay for my ticket anyway- this coming from a guy who makes twice what I make and his work are still paying for his accommodation so he's not paying rent or anything so would be saving so much money. 

It seems like the last few conversations we have are suggesting that maybe he doesn't truly love me, maybe he is just in love with the idea of me. He has always been rather selfish and inconsiderate but he has gotten better over the years. But now that we're apart he seems to be going back to old habits. 

When I try and express my feelings to him and how I feel abandoned he claps back with "how do you think I feel? I'm the one halfway round the world alone!" 

I tried to explain just because I'm surrounded by my family doesn't mean I'm not alone either. Ive gone from seeing him every single day, sleeping next to him each night, sharing dinners and having daily conversations together to literally nothing.

Sorry for the rant i dont know if this makes any sense.

Depsite his flaws, i do love him, but i think deep down I know that I deserve better. I wish he would just try and see it through my eyes. I wish he would be more considerate and understanding. I feel like I'm in to deep though and have "made by med"- but the way things are going, if things don't change soon. I think this will break us. 

I don't know what to do. 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I am really sorry, but I don't see this relationship surviving because he's already checked out. 

It's not just the distance. The distance is highlighting the problem, but the major problem is that he appears to have mostly lost interest in the relatiionship. His half-baked "plan" for you to just get a work visa is obviously not realistic, and I think he knows this perfectly well. He knows you can't just up and get permission to work in the US, and that's okay for him. Why? He doesn't seem to have the heart to break up wirh you, but his actions are showing you that he's essentially already moved on. 

I would not continue to drag this out. Instead, I would rread the painful writing on the wall and end it now. It's heading that way anyway, honestly. 

[stillafool]

I agree with the above, he has checked out and isn't even trying anymore. It doesn't sound like he wants you to come visit him or cares if he loses you.  He sounds like he's doing what a lot of men do when they want to break up but not be the one to pull the plug.  That is to make things so unbearable for you that you will break up with him and then he won't feel like the bad guy.

[BaileyB]

I agree with your assessment, it won’t be easy for you to get a work visa in the US unless you have some kind of high-demand skill. How he doesn’t understand this is beyond me…

Further to that, I would agree with the other posters that he has moved on with his life. Everything you’ve written says to me that he is building a new life and he does have the time/interest to invest in your relationship. The other thing that is obvious to me is that this relationship, as it currently stands, is not making you very happy or meeting your needs. I think you are hanging your hopes on the thought that it will come together when you visit or perhaps move to be with him… but, he’s not giving you any signs that he actually wants that to happen. 

I’m sorry to say, I think you need to take a good hard look at whether this relationship has run its course and how to find the life/relationship that you truly want. 

[ShyViolet]

Do not center your whole life around a guy who doesn't even seem interested in this relationship anymore.  You know deep down this relationship is on its way out.

[Gebidozo]

The problem isn’t the distance, the problem is that you’re emotionally invested in a guy who isn’t emotionally invested in you.

Love relationships can’t be one-sided. He is clearly just coasting along, while you are being way too emotionally dependent on him, allowing him to treat you disrespectfully.

I think that you should respect yourself and get out of this relationship.

[Els]

On 5/27/2025 at 10:06 PM, brownhairedgirl said:

He keeps saying that we won't need to get married I'll be able to get a work visa no problems!

That's ridiculous. You're looking at moving there for your relationship, so that the two of you can be together, and he wants you to do it all by yourself the hard way instead of contributing?

Seriously, tell him to stick the business end of a work visa up where the sun don't shine, and block him. He's shown you clearly who he is: A selfish person who wants all the benefits of a relationship but wants to put in none of the work or investment to nurture it. And it's not going to get better.

Focus on yourself, and on your career. You'll eventually meet someone who isn't a total idiot.