day # 13

[LN8840K]

day 13 here ....

 

 

I was chasing my ex .... yeah I kind of made a mess of things and wanted to make it right .... so the day after xmas I asked her to dinner .....she declined saying no but thanks for asking, I asked are you going to turn me down everytime now to which she replied Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup

smart ass she enjoyed that I could tell by her voice she was excited

 

I was not going to let her attitude ruin my vacation to go visit my friends in another city so I said oh well I'm going to go have fun and let go of all this crap so I emailed her the next day.

 

" happy new year, I am going out of town and wont be able to call or email for a week so I will give you a call sometime after I get back "

 

she emailed me and I got the letter on new years eve

 

" I hope you have a happy new year, oh by the way I don't think you should call, you're waisting your time "

 

I did try and call her on thursday and no answer that was before I got the ...get outa my life email

 

So I emailed her back and said that I agreed and If we were not looking for the same thing, that absolutlely we should quit talking and I would not contact her anymore and to have a good life. at this point she has not responded

 

that was 13 days ago .....I have no control, the ball is in her court...I'm am slowly accepting this is probably it, I am glad she said what she said because I know what I did wrong and tried to make it right, but she could not let it go

and move on from it ........ I hope she feels better now that she has hurt me and I hope she thinks it was worth it .....

 

I don't know whether she really wanted to end it, was just waiting for the chance to hurt me, all was good up to that point ( she wasnt avoiding me anyway )

 

the point being I guess if someone is doing no contact you might want to make sure it's really what you want because it may backfire on you, I can't say what her intentions were, but I'm not contacting her again so if it was a game then she lost ...

 

anyway sorry for the ramble just had to vent and I guess part of me wants everyone to respond with she will call she will call, she is just doing no contact on you

 

I dont

[skeptik224]

I don't know why you guys broke up in the first place, but I would leave her alone and give her the space she wants. If you push, as Caliguy will tell you, it will only push her further away. I can't say if she's going to call or not. Give her a chance to miss you. Le ther see that you aren't waiting for her...I've learned that one unfortunately the hard way.

[cygny]

how had you messed it up with her in the first place?

[LN8840K]

well, I live 140 miles away and she had mentioned of moving to my city and wanting to have a baby ... then we got into a scrap, then made up and I told her I wanted her to have my baby,

 

then 3 days later I told her I was moving and did not call for a week, when I called I could tell she was upset and she started questioning me about my move

I told her I was moving because I could not stand being there any longer and that was that.

 

it went down hill pretty quickly from there, we fought on and off, I told her I loved her and wanted to marry her, then said I wanted to be friends and she should date other people, then went back to I love you

 

then she gave me the final ax on new years eve, damn comittment issues, I must admit she probably had no idea what was coming next, but over the last month I had been consistent with calling her and emailing her, I think she may have thought I would ask her out for new years because I kept asking her if she had plans ...she never said she had any plans just she did not know ... ......but I had already made plans to go visit my friends so I asked her out for the tuesday after new years

[cygny]

dude, you are a mess.

 

yes. she is doing NC with you big time.

 

and if i were her, i would be too.

[skeptik224]

You need to not contact her. You need to stop putting her on an emotional roller coaster and get your own emotions under control. It's not fun to be the person on the roller coaster - I have been for 3 months. As of this past Monday, I'm done talking to her. She was crappy with me this past monday and that's all I needed. I don't deserve to be on her ride because of her emotional issues - just like your ex doesn't. Don't do it. Give her the space. You're better off doing it now with the hopes (if wanted) of reconciliation in the future as opposed to keeping the back/forth going and you end up enemies. (my ex told me that) You need to work on yourself. You NEED to leave her alone - for both of your sakes. Work on you - and I'm sure after all of this mess, she'll be working on herself.

[LN8840K]

I understand I have a lot of work to do on myself and have started to address these issues ...... I do care for her very much and have made a huge mistake in driving this relationship into the ground.

 

I know I need to leave her alone and have not attempted to contact her, I did not have intent to harm her, the issues are mine alone. I just wish I could apologize to her ... my last email to her was not cruel or nasty,

[cygny]

the actions you describe are those of a man who does not know what he wants, not 'a mistake'. You need to take some time and get your own life in order, be clear on what you want in life. how can you go from marriage and a baby to spending new years eve with friends and not even ask her to go along? WTF are you thinking?

[LN8840K]

perhaps I should more clearly explain the new years deal .....

 

I wanted to spend new years with my friends, I had to travel by plane to go see them and had made plans to do that .....she refuses to fly and so her going would not have been an option, I don't see how my new year plans could have spurred the decision that she made..... I did invite her out for dinner upon my return ........

 

when she turned down my dinner offer I figured well I am going to have a good time anyway, and give her space by not calling or emailing for a week and when I informed her that I was going to be out of touch, she informed me of my fate.

[cygny]

when a man and woman are talking about marriage and children or even living together or for god's sake being an exclusive couple they should be making joint plans for the holidays, or at least discussing them together.

 

you acted like a single guy by not spending the holidays with her or asking her to plan together. My guess is that you didn't even buy her a gift. The dinner date later indicates a much less serious relationship, like very casual.

 

you talk about your plans with your friends like you come first and she can fit in at your convenience. so, you got what you asked for, really. your bachelorhood.

[LN8840K]

there was no relationship at that point, simply me trying to get another shot at making a relationship work there was no " WE " at that point.

I was acting single because I was in fact single

 

I asked her out to dinner to spend time with her and she declined, then informed me and I quote " I don't think you should call, you're a cool guy and your energies should be used for something that will get you fruit "

 

thats why I responded with if we are not looking for the same thing we should quit talking, now whether that was because she found someone else, got sick of me, whatever ....it became obvious to me at that point it was going nowhere

 

I can't say I did not do anything wrong but you did ask what happened the whole point of this thread was for me to vent and express my hope that she might call and how at this point I did not see it ....and I did not know whether it was to get me to chase her or what ... but thats it in a nut shell

 

thats it

[cygny]

there was no relationship at that point, simply me trying to get another shot at making a relationship work there was no " WE " at that point.

I was acting single because I was in fact single

 

I asked her out to dinner to spend time with her and she declined, then informed me and I quote " I don't think you should call, you're a cool guy and your energies should be used for something that will get you fruit "

 

thats why I responded with if we are not looking for the same thing we should quit talking, now whether that was because she found someone else, got sick of me, whatever ....it became obvious to me at that point it was going nowhere

 

I can't say I did not do anything wrong but you did ask what happened the whole point of this thread was for me to vent and express my hope that she might call and how at this point I did not see it ....and I did not know whether it was to get me to chase her or what ... but thats it in a nut shell

 

thats it

 

you said that you were talking marriage and then bam the new years thing. so how can you say you were single?

 

whatever-- clearly you think she shouldn't have minded and are amazed that she did.

 

I'm just trying to get you to see this from a woman's pt of view. she's not an evil bitch out to get you.

[LN8840K]

ok here goes .......

 

the new years thing was not really bam ......

 

after the whole moving thing,

I told her I wanted to marry her and have kids and then started calling her frequently and emailing her as well ....... we continued talking ... my job requires 3 weeks on 1 week off and she lives 140 miles away

so I could not see her, phone and email was all I could do ..... I asked her to go to dinner ....she declined and seemed quite vengeful and excited when she did ......I did not really think much about it, but it was a surprise to me since we had been talking so much and everything seemed cool then I emailed her a happy new year email and she emailed me back saying I should not call ...................

[cygny]

so i am still not getting it...what happened between talking marriage/kids and then christmas/holiday trip to see friends that made you think you were single?

[LN8840K]

I guess I thought it was not actually a plan yet, more of letting her know of my intentions with her and what I wanted ... since at that point nothing was clarified and she had not agreed to anything and there was no ok we are a couple talk ..... I assumed she would not be upset if I made plans to go visit my friends for new years .... I did ask her a couple times what are you doing for new years to which she replied I dont know but I can't drink,

 

nothing really seemed funky untill I asked her out to dinner, then she became very vengeful and had a real attitude ... then I emailed her and that was that

 

I guess I can't really understand how that could be the final straw ....

[cygny]

yes it was the final straw, for the reasons i gave you.

if you asked her what she was doing for new year's and then never followed through with an invitation FOR new year's, that was just plain sh*tty and a big mindf***.

she actually was quite nice to you in her dump-mail. I wouldn't have been that nice, actually.

[LN8840K]

I still don't understand how thats Sh**** and a mind f*** ...please explain .....

 

I'm not saying I was perfect in this whole thing far from if I could re-do a lot of things I would .... if she would have told me I want to see you on new years I would have stayed with her ...... but at the same time I understand the fear of rejection would prevent her saying that ..............

 

in my final email I told her I wanted to marry her and for her to have my children and if she did not want the same then yes its better not to talk ...she never responded ...why no response ? ?

[cygny]

because you didn't show her with your actions that you were serious about her. you talked about marriage but what were you doing to show her that your rollercoaster BS had stopped? did you even buy her a gift? you went to see your friends and didn't even care if she sat there on new year's eve by herself. why didn't you go to see her if you cared about her? are your friends more important or more fun than she is? that showed her that nothing in fact had changed with you and that you were one self-centered pr*ck. sorry but that is it.

[LN8840K]

Yes in fact I did buy her a gift : on December 22nd

I sent her flowers and a teddy bear, .. when I called her on dec 24th ...... the conversation was ok except at one point when she told me " it was a waste of my time " ....... hmmmmm red light, so at that point I figured it was about over so why change my new years plans, I told her I would call her after xmas she sounded excited ...so I called that monday talked to her for a few minutes, everything was cool, then called her back and asked her to dinner and that was the beginning of the end 2 days later I get my walking papers

[cygny]

well here's the point---what you had done with the moving thing was pretty "out there" shall we say, along with the back and forth up and down loveyou no i don;t yes i do stuff...and what did you do to make up for that?

 

let me rephrase that--what you COULD have done, and would have done IMO, if you were serious about her and really really in love with her, was make plans to spend the holiday week with her, and ask her a couple of weeks in advance. plan it and make it really nice. and follow through with changed behavior from there on out. Be completely and utterly reliable and attentive. nothing less than that would have turned the tide back in your favour, unless she was a doormat-type. this is one case where you needed to suckup to her for awhile.

[LN8840K]

I agree I made some mistakes ....I won't do it again with the next girl .......

 

I thought consistent behavior ( phone calls ) was good ...she was responding well to it, it sure went down quick though .

 

so in your opinion cygny anything I can do to salvage this ? or should I kill hope and continue to move on .... I have been dating but can't seem to get all that excited about the people I'm meeting, I still have alot of feelings for this woman

[cygny]

honestly i think its doubtful that this can be salvaged simply because the holidays are such a make-or-break thing for relationships. they are kind of a litmus test for how someone feels about you. you didn't make your move when the opportunity was there so its more difficult now. (sorry but again just from a woman's pt of vw)

 

but who knows? you could try to apologize for not making plans with her and say you now realize how stupid that was--but you put your pride on the line again and unless she is really missing you, it will reopen the wounds. i would say this though, judging from what you've told me, if i were her you'd pretty much have to suck up and ask me what you needed to do to get me back and put yourself at my disposal. and i would only listen if i still had some feelings for you.

 

if you still don't see the issue with the trip on new year's then i would say you just don't get it and move on.

 

the phone calls were just a starting point. you needed to go way way beyond phone calls if you are talking marriage. don't talk marriage unless you're serious and can support what you say with your behavior.

have you spent some time in reflection about the reasons why you made that move? if you haven't those demons will resurface. you need to get at the root of your behavior before you can have a healthy relationship with someone that doesn't go up in flames.

[cygny]

oh i never asked but how long had you two been seeing each other? i got the impression that this relationship was only a few months old?

[LN8840K]

about 7 months now ........

 

I have done a lot of reflecting and although I know what the issue is about, it's been a pattern for quite awhile now and untill now I would just blame it on them and would not acknowledge my part in it ..... it's going to take a lot of work but I see it now.

 

I think at this point it would be better to give her space, after all I was told

" I don't think you should call " and the sting is gone from that, having her say I thought I told you not to call would be worse then letting it go .....I don't think she would say that

 

she has been flip flopping from day 1 as well, this is the 3rd time I have been told not to call, and I don't know the first 3 or 4 times we went out she would accept then cancel and then say she wanted to go out, this is the third time she has told me we shouldnt see each other anymore the first 2 times I would tell her I love her and then everything was good ...this time I was like cool take care

 

hmmmmmmmm

[pippen_2k]

Marriage talk seems way to soon, and I think you should be spending considerable amount of time with this other person before you even consider this option.

 

Emailing your intentions, and living far away is not a good basis for a relationship/marriage newayz, you probably barely even know each other that well.

 

I wouldnt dwell on things too much, she dosent sound that genuine to me. I wouldnt even listen to cygny that much either, cause alot of her comments towards you seemed ruthless. You dont need to put any female or partener on a pedastool like that. You have every right to do what you want. Especially since you were in along distant relationship ( Which I believe are a total waste of time )

 

Local girls who u can see on a regular basis is a better option.