Am I overreacting, or is something off about her male friendship, and the way she constantly talks about other guys.

[Unsureabouther]

TL;DR: I (26m) hooked up with girl (24f). We have great chemistry, but her male relations and constant talk about other guys makes me feel somewhat disrespected and unsure about what she wants with us.

 

So I (26m) met girl (24m) on a language app months ago, and we started talking daily. She lives in a country a short flight away. I thought she was cute, and our chemistry was good.

I held back a little though since we hadn’t met irl, and her close male friendships and frequent talk about other guys made me feel she saw me as a friend.

A couple of weeks ago, she visited my city. We vibed really well, got intimate, and she seemed really into me. Still, her close male friends and constant talk about other guys puts me off.

For example, she gifted me a hat she had knitted herself, seeming like a romantic gesture. When she got back home I sent her a pic of me wearing it. She replied with a pic of her and one of her close male friends, where he was wearing the exact same kind of hat she had also knitted for him. That made the gift feel more like a friendly gesture.

She often hangs out one-on-one with him, doing things like cooking in the evening while listening to romantic songs.

One time, she said she might send me a nude. When I playfully asked about it, she replied that I should ask the male friend as he already had it.

She has emphasized that they are only friends, and I haven’t asked if they have hooked up in the past, as I feel it sounds jealous asking about it this early.

In addition, she jokes about needing to marry someone rich, how she have no romance in her life (making it feel like our thing isn’t that), comments on other guys being handsome all the time, mentions chatting with rich or famous guys, talks about guys hitting on her and joking that she went to have sex with one of them.

Like, these things on their own feel pretty innocent. But it’s the constant stream of them that makes me feel a little disrespected(?) and unsure if she sees us as serious. Like, I would never talk like that to a girl I liked as I would see it as disrespectful and potentially causing her insecurities.

I confronted her about what she wants with us, and she said she really likes me and wants something serious. I also hinted that her constant talk about other guys made me feel unsure, but she just kinda laughed it off. I felt awkward bringing it up, so I didn’t push further, hoping she’d get the hint.

But even after our talk, she still talks about other guys in the same manner as before. On the other hand, she seems genuinely into me: pushes for me to visit, misses me, never wants to end our calls, and plans to visit me again this summer.

My impression is that she seems a bit insecure (or I guess I am haha), often asking if I find her boring or don’t like her. I suspect her constant talk about other guys might be an immature way to seem more attractive by showing she’s wanted.

Anyways, the whole thing makes it hard for me to take her seriously, and I’m considering ending things. The long-distance complicates it too. Still, we have great chemistry and she has many good qualities, so I’d love for it to work. I’ve thought about a deeper talk about it, but since we’ve barely hooked up, I worry it might come off as controlling.

So what do you guys think? Am I overthinking, and am I being overly jealous, or is there something off here?

[basil67]

I'm surprised the answer isn't obvious.   Why do you not trust your instincts?   

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Unsureabouther said:

Like, these things on their own feel pretty innocent. But it’s the constant stream of them that makes me feel a little disrespected(?) and unsure if she sees us as serious. Like, I would never talk like that to a girl I liked as I would see it as disrespectful and potentially causing her insecurities.

You do a great job of diagnosing the problem with this relationship and are clearly conscientious and self-aware. 

So you already know that the right thing to do is end things, @Unsureabouther.

Edited May 26 by Acacia98

[Unsureabouther]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I'm surprised the answer isn't obvious.   Why do you not trust your instincts?   

I guess I feel a little inexperienced on the romantic field so even though I’ve been pretty sure I would end it, I thought I should get second opinions first just in case I’m the one who’s off base here. Appreciate your reply. 

[Unsureabouther]

56 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

You do a great job of diagnosing the problem with this relationship and are clearly conscientious and self-aware. 

So you already know that the right thing to do is end things, @Unsureabouther.

Thanks a lot, appreciate it. Yeah it’s becoming clearer for me for sure. 

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, Unsureabouther said:

I guess I feel a little inexperienced on the romantic field so even though I’ve been pretty sure I would end it, I thought I should get second opinions first just in case I’m the one who’s off base here. Appreciate your reply. 

Glad to know you've got it figured out.  You can do better than this!

[ShyViolet]

She's clearly letting you know through her behavior that she's not ready for a serious relationship.  She is in a place in her life where she's very flirtatious and thrives off of attention from other guys.  Someday when she matures she will probably grow out of that but right now it's what she's all about and she can't resist the attention she gets from all the guys around her.

It's genuinely baffling to me why you would start something up with a girl who lives in another country anyway.  Why don't you date locally instead of taking on a ridiculous long distance situation like this, where you have to take a flight every time you are going to see each other.

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, Unsureabouther said:

... her male relations and constant talk about other guys makes me feel somewhat disrespected

I would feel that way, too. She's rude, and she's long-distance. Those two things would be enough for me to say 'nope'.

Head high, and trust your gut. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, do not pass "Go" with this one. 

She doesn't get how she's making herself look here, which is a problem in and of itself.  It's not cute to go on and on about how much guys want you, who you have hooked up with, who you're texting. It's very telling, though -  she's showing you very clearly that she is not girlfriend material at this poin t in her life. 

I am surprised you aren't more turned off by her. 

[Unsureabouther]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

She's clearly letting you know through her behavior that she's not ready for a serious relationship.  She is in a place in her life where she's very flirtatious and thrives off of attention from other guys.  Someday when she matures she will probably grow out of that but right now it's what she's all about and she can't resist the attention she gets from all the guys around her.

It's genuinely baffling to me why you would start something up with a girl who lives in another country anyway.  Why don't you date locally instead of taking on a ridiculous long distance situation like this, where you have to take a flight every time you are going to see each other.

Yeah in hindsight I should have just cut it off at the first red flags that popped up when we only talked online and hadn’t met physically yet. But when she broached the idea of coming to visit me I couldn’t help to giving it a chance to see how she really looked irl and if we would vibe. And when she ended up being really cute irl and we had really good chemistry (ouside of all the guy comments) I kinda trapped myself into it in a way. I’m ready to cut my losses now though as it’s becoming pretty clear that this thing probably won’t work. 

And yes I date locally, this language app thing just kinda «happened» and I wasn’t planning to get romantically involved with someone there in the first place, but when the ball started rolling I guess I closed my eyes a little and just let it roll when I should hace stopped it much earlier

[Unsureabouther]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

I would feel that way, too. She's rude, and she's long-distance. Those two things would be enough for me to say 'nope'.

Head high, and trust your gut. 

Thanks for your comment, yeah I guess it’s time to move on

Edited May 27 by Unsureabouther

[Unsureabouther]

40 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yeah, do not pass "Go" with this one. 

She doesn't get how she's making herself look here, which is a problem in and of itself.  It's not cute to go on and on about how much guys want you, who you have hooked up with, who you're texting. It's very telling, though -  she's showing you very clearly that she is not girlfriend material at this poin t in her life. 

I am surprised you aren't more turned off by her. 

Yes that’s what I feel too. And yeah I should probably be more turned off by the whole thing lol. I think I’ve just gotten a little tunnel vision about it.. like, we vibe really well and can have deep intelligent conversations and then she suddenly drops one of those comments and even though I feeled turned off by it there and then I don’t know what I’m supposed to accept or not or what is controlling and overly jealous or not, and I kinda gaslight myself into thinking it’s just minor stuff in the broader picture. Anyways, I’m ready to move on now and will see this as a learning experience

[Sanch62]

16 minutes ago, Unsureabouther said:

...even though I feeled turned off by it there and then I don’t know what I’m supposed to accept or not or what is controlling and overly jealous or not, and I kinda gaslight myself into thinking it’s just minor stuff in the broader picture.

It's okay, we all learn by living. Going forward, you'll be more tuned into what it feels like when someone makes you uncomfortable. You did the right thing by raising this with her and allowing her to examine whether her words and behaviors were having the intended effect on you. She blew that opportunity, so walking away is reasonable.

Head high.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Unsureabouther said:

I don’t know what I’m supposed to accept or not or what is controlling and overly jealous or no

It's not really just about this, though. 

It's also about her lack of awareness that blabbing about such things to a potential love interest is not smart. It speaks to poor boundaries and judgment on her part. She is of course welcome to do whatever she likes in her personal life, but she's not that bright if she thinks you would want to hear about it. 

She also sounds very needy for male attention in general. There's some maturing to do on her part before she would be really ready for a serious relationship. 

Edited May 27 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

I think you realize that a woman who is serious about dating you would not flaunt the fact that she had sent a nude photo to another man. As was said above, that shows poor boundaries and judgment - it’s not a smart thing to do if she was truly interested in  a relationship. It’s something a woman would do if she is seeking the attention of men (plural)…

Add to that, she downplayed and dismissed your feelings when you told her that you did not like it. That tells you how she feels about your feelings and your opinions - not as important as hers. 

We date to learn more about people before we go all-in, and when you learn things like the two points above that is your indication to take a pass on this one. The fact that this is long distance confirms the decision. 

Edited May 27 by BaileyB