Toronto Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 My boyfriend and I originally met through a shared community/special interest group. Now that we've broken up, he's been accommodating and has backed away from the scene for a few months to give me space. It's been nearly 4 months now so the time is approaching when he'll want to start coming out again and I have been bracing myself to accept that soon we'll run into each regularly. EXCEPT that this Sunday he broke the news to me that he has a new girlfriend. Ok, it had to happen some time. The thing is that he's getting her interested in this same hobby and has already been taking her to events outside of the city. It's only a matter of time before he wants to start to bring her to the main events. The hobby is closely tied to our community and there will be no avoiding each other. I'm really devastated about this. I've sent him a message asking him very seriously to dissuade her interest in this hobby. I've asked that they find some kind of new hobby together. I haven't heard back from him so I don't know if he's considering my request or just planning to ignore me. Has anyone else experienced something similar? For me, it's almost as bad as if we'd worked together at the same company and that now he's hiring his new girlfriend.
In Sync Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I don't understand..is it a hobby that you can not switch and find a similiar group...I mean it is his life and if he wants to integrate his gf, that's not totally unreasonable. You are the one that now needs to consider what's feasible for you to deal with. You can't expect him to abide by your wishes here. That is a pitfall to dating so close to your work, or school..Hopefully he'll understand but if he doesn't minimal contact is your best option if at all possible and just focus on the hobby.
Outcast Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 If you have the difficulty, it's to you to deal with it. It's not reasonable or fair to ask him to change his life for you.
Author Toronto Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 I didn't explain that well. That's not an option. It's a unique community. It's been the main part of my life for 8 years (he's only been involved for 1.5 years) and I'm Vice President and acting co-President as well as one of the main instructors.
Author Toronto Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Incidentally, I was hoping to start a discussion with people who might have experienced something similar and how they dealt with it. It's easy to be critical of something you can't relate to... I'm hoping to find somebody who can relate and would like to hear similar stories. I haven't asked him to end this hobby; I've asked him to consider not bringing along his new personal business to flaunt in front of me.
In Sync Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Incidentally, I was hoping to start a discussion with people who might have experienced something similar and how they dealt with it. It's easy to be critical of something you can't relate to... I'm hoping to find somebody who can relate and would like to hear similar stories. I haven't asked him to end this hobby; I've asked him to consider not bringing along his new personal business to flaunt in front of me. First you are rather critical if anyone is going to start pointing fingers. It's an open forum. And obviously by your seeking someone in a similiar situation..you are merely looking for someone to agree with you regardless of the irrational expectation that this man whom you chose to be involved with wants to exercise his free will of bringing his girlfriend (did you actually refer to her as his new personal business?) to a hobby he wants her to share with him. You are jealous and can't see how ridiculous you are being for not understanding that anyone with a brain is going to tell you it's more your problem to deal with not his. As far as he is concern the relationship is over. If he's kind he may chose to abide by your wish. But that is his choice. He's not obligated to you. Grow up and realize that Miss V.P.
tanbark813 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 A few years ago I met a girl at a karaoke bar I attend weekly. We ended up getting together for a few months and then broke up. I figured I would see her at that same bar eventually. My friends kept me away for a couple weeks but it wasn't long until I returned. For the most part she never came around but I did see her there on occasion, sometimes with another guy. It hurt, but you just have to suck it up and deal with it. It sounds like your ex has already been understanding by staying away for 4 months. Involving his new gf is more likely to be incorporating her into his life than flaunting her in front of you. Asking him to not bring her is not only an unfair request, but most likely futile. What rational person puts the feelings of their ex over the feelings of their current partner? There's nothing to be gained by that.
bluetuesday Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 i don't think the solution is asking him to stay away or staying away yourself. the solution is not being bothered what he does. it's over between you. he's free to bring this new woman to whatever it is you people do. and you're free to let it affect you or not. why you continue to let a man affect you, when you're not important enough to him to affect him, is what you should be asking yourself.
InLimbo2 Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Yep, in sorta the same scenario - only worse. He was emotionally cheating with a chick from another bike club chapter for months before we split - and as soon as we did - he brought her up to ours for a party - instant replacement! She only lasted a few weekends -now he's dating a chick from our chapter who I haven't met - I've stayed away from meetings. Talk about s***ting in your own backyard! He's an Officer in the chapter - so he'll be at EVERY event and meeting. This weekend is a poker party I was invited to - and the host said the ex wouldn't be there - was like pulling teeth to get a confirmation from him that he wouldn't and he told me he was not playin hide and seek with me forever. Basically that's part of his issue, but the rest is that I refuse to leave the door open to reconcilliation by being friends (was his request all along - and one I rejected finally). He uses the club to get me to interact. He's been a member 2 years longer, he's more active, he's an Officer, and it's ME that has a problem with sharing the same oxygen with him - so I did the right thing - I love my chapter and the people - but I requested a transfer to another chapter to keep away from him. I can still join chapter rides he's not on - and ride solo with friends from the chapter. Was not reasonable for me to ask HIM to give up the club - didn't even ask him to NOT attend the party this weekend - only requested he answer if he will or will not be there so *I* could decide if I wanted to go or make alternative plans. My boyfriend and I originally met through a shared community/special interest group. Now that we've broken up, he's been accommodating and has backed away from the scene for a few months to give me space. It's been nearly 4 months now so the time is approaching when he'll want to start coming out again and I have been bracing myself to accept that soon we'll run into each regularly. EXCEPT that this Sunday he broke the news to me that he has a new girlfriend. Ok, it had to happen some time. The thing is that he's getting her interested in this same hobby and has already been taking her to events outside of the city. It's only a matter of time before he wants to start to bring her to the main events. The hobby is closely tied to our community and there will be no avoiding each other. I'm really devastated about this. I've sent him a message asking him very seriously to dissuade her interest in this hobby. I've asked that they find some kind of new hobby together. I haven't heard back from him so I don't know if he's considering my request or just planning to ignore me. Has anyone else experienced something similar? For me, it's almost as bad as if we'd worked together at the same company and that now he's hiring his new girlfriend.
Recommended Posts