Anger_magnet Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I am not emotionally abusive I am living in fear of her violent reactions... I have no idea when she will wield a knife again or get in a car drunk she is OUT OF CONTROL completly with her rage... What she considers emotionallly abusive is my crawling within and not saying or doing anything I fear any interaction with her will cause a violent outburst.
magda Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 You are probably right Cygny. It just blows my mind that people live this way.
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 You are probably right Cygny. It just blows my mind that people live this way. me too. it's a trap and now AM is trying to pull us into it too.
Anger_magnet Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 This is stupid. Anger_Magnet, is there anything you love about her? Yes, more so than anyone I have ever been with I think that there is a very big MISUNDERSTANDING about me wanting to take financial advantage of her. I am trying to work this out on a day to day basis Due to my illness I am forced more or less to work with life in 6 hour increments and never know when a shot may be my last shot ever. I try on a day to day basis to work things out and put yesterday in the past she takes this as I am stringing her along and USING her. She out and out refuses to accept any attempts at me giving love ( I feel becuse that justifys her outbursts). There are so many things when we are having happy times that make this a perfect realationship we have the same desires, interests, goals and direction in life. these happy times I slowly drop my guard and let it all in I can say that I love her more than anyone EVER! The problem is that her anger is spontanous and can come or often does when I am in a sense of hightend euphoria about the realationship and "US" blam out of no where comes violent and abusive out bursts, and testing suspious behavior. I dont know how to react... medically the doctors have told me to avoid panic or exictment as it causes me to have insulin reactions so I just try and remain calm which pisses her off beyond belife but its something I cant do or i am looking at being with someone thats too pissed off to call a paramedic for me! Do I love her "YES" good things about her. 1.Shes very smart and intellectually deep and educated something I could only aspire to be. 2.Shes very kind when not having emotional issues. 3.We have done more together as a couple than anyone else ever with go see movies, bands, visit friends, and family. 4.She loves me and I love her for that not many would love someone so sick and with so many problems (yes I have alot of problems). 5.She has brought me a wonderful sense of culture and class that I never got exposed to as a person growing up. There are soooooo many things to love about her I could go on all day...... but I dont know how to deal with her anger. In fact I knew nothing about her assault or previous behavior with other boyfriends before this I walked in assuming that this was my ONE CHANCE at TRUE LOVE.. only to discover that she has phisio emotional issues that require meds (imho) since years of counsiling and book reading only fuel the fire. bottom line i woulndt even bother posting if i didnt love her so much but I dont know what to do the violence and anger is not something am used to and dont know what to do?
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 the way to deal with her anger is to leave. doesn't matter if you love her or not--and vice versa. you both need to get on your own and deal with your own problems before you can be in a good relationship with anybody. you can love each other from afar. this problem is too big. there are ingrained patterns and the dynamic is very destructive. pack your bags and get it over with. this is my last post on this thread. good luck to both of you and please get into counselling.
Anger_magnet Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 the way to deal with her anger is to leave. doesn't matter if you love her or not--and vice versa. you both need to get on your own and deal with your own problems before you can be in a good relationship with anybody. you can love each other from afar. this problem is too big. there are ingrained patterns and the dynamic is very destructive. pack your bags and get it over with. this is my last post on this thread. good luck to both of you and please get into counselling. cygny- Thank god this is your LAST post since you have no healing or resolution to offer or ideas your just trolling with one sentance posts and abandonment seems to be your life path, so sorry for that. Thank you everyone else for your ideas, suggestions and compassion. please if you have more please share and not abandon the post too! All we are looking for is resolution its not about money or apts or any of that stuff. at least not for me i have been in worse situations all around those things and money comes and goes this is about our realationship. Its about what happens to her if we go our own ways I dont want to hear about her harming herself I dont think I could ever recover from loosing another person in life especially her. Or even better yet its about how to get help so the happy times can be consistant and not sprinkled with violent outbursts everytime we get close to sucess. Even tho alot of the suggestions and finger pointing is towards me alot of you are prly right I am not really doing enough for my part but the problem is that I am afraid that anything I do will spark a violent outburst. Ne ideas or suggestions welcomed even if they are pointed at me! 1
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I'm not picking sides at all. You both came here for help and I'm going to give it. Each of you have to STOP putting crap on the other person. Medical problems. Each of you are responsible to take care of yourselves. AM, you have to realize that your illness is serious and you could use some one on one counselling, for your own peace of mind. I know how hard it is at times to have a disorder (I suffer from panic and anxiety attacks) and seeking, you could use therapy too. I think it will help you both. As well as maybe couples therapy, to learn how to listen and talk. Really understand eachother needs. With respect and love. Somewhere in the midst of this, there hasn't been alot of love mentioned AM. I know you love her and you've said so, but you didn't say a word about anything GOOD until you were asked if you loved her. Both of you feed from eachothers moods, there is no one person to blame, it takes two to tango. Reacting and reacting isn't good, which always leads to misunderstandings, and each of you hear what you want to hear, putting your own spin on it. That old saying...The truth has 3 sides. Her side, his side and the actual truth. Do you both want this to work out? Is love going be enough? Can each of you put aside the he said/she said, ego thing and work together to make life good again?? If that isn't possible, then end it. Ofcourse it will hurt, staying with someone who only makes your life miserable SUCKS. For both of you. Keep talking this out. I ask both of you though to stop the rudeness/name calling offlline. Start with human basic respect...Then work from there.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 bottom line i woulndt even bother posting if i didnt love her so much but I dont know what to do the violence and anger is not something am used to and dont know what to do? And she loves you silly! Together head to couples therapy and FIX things. Otherwise it won't work. This can't go on like it has been, it's killing both of you.
Anger_magnet Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 She has been in therapy for years. I have tried to attend her sessions but she is seeking help from a FREE rape clinic. Who in my opinon dont really have any sympathy for men in general. Also failing to recongnise or advise after her visit to the hospital about futhering medical solutions to what I feel is an physical imblance. They did not offer anything in the way of relationship counsiling only rape counsiling and even refused to speak with me siting (disclosure law) to get rid of me. So counsiling has always been on the screen but I guess its not what she wants since shes still dealing ONLY with rape counsilors which brings the anger back out.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 She can still continue with that type of counselling, but together you guys can seek couples therapy. I believe it's a MUST if this relationship is to work out. I still say, both of you need to stop the blame game, what is done is done, it's time to s*** or get off the pot. Actions and follow-through to actually fix things. Don't assume that is not what she wants. Ask her. Also, are you willing to do therapy for yourself? I'm sorry offhand I can't remember your medical condition, but it does sound like you're depressed. That needs to be taken care of too, otherwise you will fall deeper into the pit.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Find a therapist who will help. Not a rape counsellor...You need someone who specializes in dealing with couples.
Author seeking_a_life Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 i don't know how many times at loveshack this has ever happend. i mean where both mates have actually "joined" the thread. I was upset at first because obviously it did seem like he was hijacking it to veer people to "take his side." anyway i do agree to some extent that if he is posting here it shows some attempt. more than he had been, folks. really. anger_magnet - i am talking to you too now without us screaming in each others face. sadly this is the only communication i can give you right now but it's heartfelt. i feel you have never respected that i have valid feelings (including anger) and it has been tearing me up brutally inside and my trust in us as a team. there have been countless times when my tears were "anger", my fear is "anger" and my excitement or feeling like feisty me is even "anger". like i told you yesterday, i could say something in a joking "shoot the sh**"/friendship kind of way and you still react to me like i've done something wrong. all i ever wish for is that you would actually find it consistently in your heart to acknowledge "i did something to hurt her feelings." then learn and remember what it was and not do it again, knowing that MOST people would be hurt by it. My anger is NOT unpredictable if you put yourself in my shoes ever. the things that upset me are pretty average and i believe would consistently upset anyone or at least most women. like being berated all day long about "forcing you to go to a wedding" i mean how far can you take it? saying "i don't give a sh** about your health trying to make you go" when i had alrady skipped the 2pm ceremony because i knew your shot time was at 5? how unfair is it to attack me for "posting your private info" when it is anonymous. i don't think we even list our state in these profiles. I am not out to slander you on the internet. and how unfair and hurtful is it to look back and excuse your ex's anger at you but never mine. in all these years it was ok or she at least "had her reasons" for what she did to you, while in your mind MY reasons are not reasonable to you. I am hurting inside and wanted help in figuring out how to fix this without going to the extremes of ending it. I know I can't change where you stand or your opinions about me but holy cow. how frustrating! you acknowledge i have been to years of therapy, but don't acknowledge that I have made progress while you have become less and less interested in compromising or cooperating or listening to me and have never taken 50/50 responsibilty. i'm pretty well aware that most responders in here have said counseling won't work because you think the ONLY problem in this relationship is MY anger and if I wasn't angry everything would be perfect. it takes two. always. it is pretty sucky that two people can love each other and one is so willing to think life sucks so bad that the other person's efforts are null to the point where he thinks inertia is the only worthy deliverable response. it sucks that i can admit "yes i can let my emotions control me" and you can rebuttal with she is physiologically off and needs medication. is this because i was upset about you berating me for a wedding, or treating me like second class to all the other loved ones in your life? because those are MY reasons for becoming angry at you. justified? i don't know. but i think that your option of saying i am angry at my rapist and taking it out on you, or angry about work and taking it on you are total imaginative ploys to deflect that you can just simply piss people off. not to be mean but it's true. but i still loved and love you despite it and you have never really given me the credit of "man, i can be a handful but she loves me anyway. that's really cool" to the rest of you, thanks for your posts. and magda, i really appreciate your "is there anything you love about her" response because though you all adhere to "break Up" at least it was the first positive words out of him about me in detail I think I've been able to see about myself from him in 5 years. for me it didn't "degenerate" the thread but it at least gave me enough back to realize i'm not totally ineffective.
Anger_magnet Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Thank you for your posts whichway! your right I have refused to seek counsiling for our relationship after being rejected and blown off by those man hating rape people... This relationship is worth it I AM JUST TERRIFIED OF STIRRING UP MORE ANGER OR VIOLENCE. THANK YOU THANK YOU for your post!
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 You're welcome. I do think the right therapist WILL help, as long as both of you are willing to do the work required. Just like everything else in life, it won't be easy...But, the big payout at the end is worth it. I'd like to comment on something Seeking has written in her post to you. People need to feel needed and feel validated. I think both of you are missing that BIG TIME. And, it is so easy to say thoughts outloud without thinking of how it will heard. Which is why I suggested earlier both of you need to put yourselves in eachothers shoes. Really read her post, afew times. Don't look at it in a negative way, she's reaching out to you and speaking from her heart. It's all positive and she has also owned up to her mistakes...That's real hard to do. Each of you have played a part in why things are the way they are. Not malciously ofcourse. Glad to help. Oh and yes, there have been afew other husband/wives, girlfriend/boyfriend senario's on LS.
Author seeking_a_life Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Find a therapist who will help. Not a rape counsellor...You need someone who specializes in dealing with couples. Whichway, your warmth and talent in this has been taken so gratefully. Thanks from me too. I do want to seek couples counseling and have never been one to avoid IC either. i know more of the responders here might think that' the couples thing might be futile but i can't help it but respond to the fairness, the warmth and hope of whichway's viewpoint. also, i did want to mention that AM has an opinon that my counselor at the agency was geared solely towards rape issues and this gives him reason to think the anger is being revived consistently there. i did also just want to note that my counseling there was not strictly geared toward that one issue. i did progress substantially and i hope to god someday AM can acknowledge it. he has a reluctance acknowlegding positive things and i know its part depression, probably lack of trust in me and also a huge carry over from the way he was raised but sometimes it really ruins our rapport. i definately agree that going to an agency or seeing a counselor in an agency that is geared toward healing from specific issues will probably not target effectively the issues couples need to work through. i so hope he really wants to work with me to make things work out.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 You're welcome too, and thanks for the compliment! Ha, maybe I should become a therapist some day! I think he does want to work things out, otherwise he wouldn't have posted or bothered to read on LS. It's atleast a start... Emotional baggage, depression, anxiety, whatever, can and WILL affect lives, and ruin them too if you both let them. I commend you for seeing someone about your past hurt, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Getting help and learning how to cope is so important! And AM, you are depressed, you need to see someone. I know you're scared of stirring things up, all sorts of emotions, but that IS how you fix things. Don't let fear take control over what has to be done. Trust me on that one! Now, what you both need to do is take a break. Rent a funny DVD or go out and see a movie. Have afew laughs, lighten up and have FUN. Atleast for a night!
Anger_magnet Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Last night after we read the last post she was looking through movies on the tv and we watched not only one but two movies ,,, Willy Wonka the remake and a movie called Skeleton Key. I let my guard down and we slept last night in spoons. Today has been a different story though it started out by us needing to go to one of her parents many homes (unlike me she will never be out of a place to stay) since her parents own many homes. I dread getting in the car with her soo bad it seems to have always been a focal point for her to scream and yell while people are in the car since you cant easily get out while it is moving but I figured that everything would be okay since we had not even 12 hours before decided to try and work out at least watching some movies and cuddling out. So we get in the car and imediatly the discussion turns to analysing our problems and I then realized that the trip was going to be a not so pleasant trip.. I could have just sat there and done nothing but spend time with her and soak in the view but instead am in this car with her and shes not letting me change the subject I made several comment like cant we just talk about the stuff later or try and get the subject changed so that she would be able to drive without flying into a rage as she normally does. We are about to get on the this freeway exchange a very tricky one and there is this guy that was swearving and came within 12 inches of our car and the car behind him honked. and i blurted out "Look out we are not in the right lane and the car is honking". So she says Your taking his side! then I said no am not taking his side was just trying to warn you either way. She was in the correct lane and it was the other guys fault but we where very far over to the right of our lane so to me I was just blurting out a warning. So anyways she goes on to say that he was a drunk mexican and how dare I take his side over hers. She has a constant problem with putting down mexicans as she hates my ex wife, the prob lem is that my daughter is half mexican and half white and I feel so hurt by any comments and feel like shes attacking my daughter when she makes these comments. She starts ranting and raving then screaming yelling out at the top of her lungs screaming "it was not my fault" I was trying to calm her down by saying just calm down dont get upset but the more I say or do anything shes gets more out of control screaming about how I take any mexicans word over hers and beratting mexicans in general. At this point I start to get scared and tell her to just pull the car over she would not and was screamming and driving and not paying full attention to the road (which scares the living hell out of me). we eventually got to our destination and she demanded to use my cell phone and I only had one bar left and felt that I may need it for an emergency or a ride home so I asked her to calm down and just be civil and I would give her the phone so she drove me into a seculded area and started saying the most horrible things like that i "suck the beans out of mexicans a**h***s" and so many other things that are so OUT OF CONTROL and HURTFUL. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO I DO WANT TO WORK IT OUT AND LOVE THIS PERSON BUT SHE WONT TALK TO ME CIVILY.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I'm still of the opinion that you two need to separate. It's hard to imaging WHAT is still positive and worthwhile in your relationship. But, hey....it's not MY decision, it's yours. Give the marriagebuilders basic concepts section a thorough read, paying particular attention to LoveBusters and POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement)...here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html It might help you both to negotiate some rules in your method of communications. It should be perfectly okay to take a 'time out' from heated discussion. This is something you can POJA. When there's nothing constructive being accomplished in a conversation....then it's time to take a break. Clearly, the prejudiced commentary on people of Mexican descent was NOT constructive. Nothing further could possibly be accomplished in that particular scenario. When the relationship is unstable, it's kind of like a car parked on a hill....with NO PARKING BRAKE. It's not a stationary thing. You either forge ahead, or you fall behind. You two cannot afford to keep to the status quo. Either BOTH of you are going to have to commit to REAL change...or you're going to need to get the hell away from each other.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Both of you have to make that extra effort not to cross the line and take moods out on eachother...And also, learn to not react to it either. To say, I don't want to talk to you when you're like this or can you not talk to me so rudely is OK. I think making that effort will help in this case...Yet I DO know being in the car is the WORST place for arguments as you can't get away from it. Next time, put on the radio and sing together! Make a rule, NO serious discussions in the car. Even if one feels the need to blurt - Ask yourself this before you do...IS it worth it? What good will come of it...Really think hard before saying certain things, attacking eachother. Also maybe make a rule, no backseat drivers' comments allowed. That is what my hubby and I do now as when I am driving he feels the need to yak away at me about this and that. It drives me crazy and pisses me off. I keep my mouth shut when he is driving, so he can give me the same courtesy back. lol. Anyway, try to forget the car incident...
Author seeking_a_life Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Today has been a different story though it started out by us needing to go to one of her parents many homes (unlike me she will never be out of a place to stay) since her parents own many homes. I am still upset people. So I do not have much to say. First of all, Please note the resentment in this quote. He spent all day attacking me saying I was spoiled. I dread getting in the car with her soo bad it seems to have always been a focal point for her to scream and yell while people are in the car since you cant easily get out while it is moving but I figured that everything would be okay since we had not even 12 hours before decided to try and work out at least watching some movies and cuddling out. He is a total control freak when I am the one driving. I don't know how to describe it accurately but it's really a problem. And I ask him to stop nicely or often if I ask him to stop assertively but firmly he will already call me angry. I mean that, and it hurts. I am tired of it, to be honest. So we get in the car and imediatly the discussion turns to analysing our problems and I then realized that the trip was going to be a not so pleasant trip.. I could have just sat there and done nothing but spend time with her and soak in the view but instead am in this car with her and shes not letting me change the subject I made several comment like cant we just talk about the stuff later or try and get the subject changed so that she would be able to drive without flying into a rage as she normally does. I did agree to not going there. But I did also feel that he was again weaseling out of taking his responsibility. I am begging you guys to remember that HE is the one that avoids any admittance of responsibility in the simplest things. And he takes what I consider his mind games to such extremes and I KNOW he has gotta know he's doing it. And in passive agressive mode, he tried to change it and I agreed but once he sees "signs" he does not know how to turn things around and if I try to lighten it up or turn it around he does not allow me to either. Once he sees what he considers "signs" of "going there" he GOES there. And it isn't an accusation. It is something I have discussed in therapy and I wish he would face so we could learn to resolve issues as a team, instead of them escalating. I am not proud of what he told you guys I said by any means. I'm pretty ashamed. But that is the anger that is more than anything based on HURT. deep hurt that he REFUSES to face I feel, or validate, or be there for me for. It's in fact a wound he pours salt in over and over. He INSISTED, ADAMANTLY people that the cars were honking at ME, when the other driver was obviously drunk and swerving. There were 4 cars behind that car honking and "AM " still literally assumed I was the idiot that was getting honked at. Trivial to him, but a true hurt to me because to me it exemplifies perfectly how he puts me down and how I don't feel he "gets my back" ever. I know deep teammanship and he doesn't show it for me. And that's why my anger went were it did. period. I'm sorry, you guys know what a horribly insulting mouth I had. To me though, he really did not have enough respect for me to avoid the scenario and make peace and I am still pretty much doubting he has every respected me in the way he respected his ex-wife ever. That's how I feel, and he always seems to do something that I feel rekindles that fear in me. Is that me or him? Because when I do try to discuss it with him, he is not sweet and understanding and compassionate about it to me. He says I am a freak that is obsessed with is ex. Anyway, I am at work. He is at home. This is my true feelings. I don't think I'll pop back on here while at home as I am still hurt by him. Also, in the car, I realized that he never did follow-up on whichway's advice from yesterday. He didn't read my post carefully. I think he figured it was my same repeated "rhetoric". He does that to me alot. To me it's no wonder I get mad. Probably no excuse, but it sure illicits to me how little he has ever heard me in 5 years.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 This is my last post on this thread. Nothing personal. I'm uncomfortable with 'couples' threads. It's like being in the middle of somebody else's arguement. Anyway, I think you're putting too much responsibility on AM for your own emotional control, Seeking. I'm sorry if that's hard to hear. It's not meant to be judgemental....just an observation from an unbiased third party. .....the anger that is more than anything based on HURT. deep hurt that he REFUSES to face I feel, or validate, or be there for me for. I think the above statement is reflective of your expectation for AM to take some kind of action that will make it possible for you to control your anger. That's got to come from within. No one can give you inner peace or serentiy. No one else can "validate" you in a way that's truly meaningful. You've got to feel your worth from the inside-out. You've got to have constant certainty in your own value. "Validation" from other people is nice. But it's a condiment. It's not the main course. If ALL of the "hurt" in your life was coming from AM, you'd certainly have left him by now. While I don't doubt that he's culpable in a good many of the problems, I think it's improbable that your inability to control your emotions stems from him.
Author seeking_a_life Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 This is my last post on this thread. Nothing personal. I'm uncomfortable with 'couples' threads. It's like being in the middle of somebody else's arguement. Anyway, I think you're putting too much responsibility on AM for your own emotional control, Seeking. I'm sorry if that's hard to hear. It's not meant to be judgemental....just an observation from an unbiased third party. I think the above statement is reflective of your expectation for AM to take some kind of action that will make it possible for you to control your anger. That's got to come from within. No one can give you inner peace or serentiy. No one else can "validate" you in a way that's truly meaningful. You've got to feel your worth from the inside-out. You've got to have constant certainty in your own value. "Validation" from other people is nice. But it's a condiment. It's not the main course. If ALL of the "hurt" in your life was coming from AM, you'd certainly have left him by now. While I don't doubt that he's culpable in a good many of the problems, I think it's improbable that your inability to control your emotions stems from him. Ladyjane- (ok, yes i logged on at home afterall) Thank you. I'm open to what others say. I appreciate it. honestly, and that's because I DO want to change that I act out so much and I have been going to therapy, effective therapy to learn tools to deal with things healthy. but when I walk in the door of my home, and try to apply the tools, it would really help SO MUCH MORE if my loved ones were also applying tools or somehow helping me apply the tools. But of course they aren't. they are remaining the same or even getting worse Or to be fair "reacting to my episodes" I'm not excusing my behaviour, but I am saying that I have been applying what I learn as best I can, but I am not the only one with dysfuntional behaviour. When one person's tools and methods are being treated as "crazy" as the crazy reactions, it's so hard to maintain functionality. I don't expect AM to validate all my feelings, I just want to know that he cares enough about me to realize that there are things I have deep hurts about that happened BETWEEN US. things he did that were taken as hurtful. so far he fails to validate that consistently. he instead makes me feel crazy. and says my feelings are "too sensitive" and therefore easy to blow off. And that's what hurts so painfully inside and honestly that IS what catapaults me to a worse zone of uncontrollable behaviour in my eyes. i'm an admittedly, extremely insecure person and the things that happened to me as a kid and young adult contributed to the demise of my self-worth. if i could find the key to self-confidence and self love it would be my dream come true. I ALREADY feel broken inside sometimes. I am working on healing that lame part of me but I don't need him to confirm it. In fact, I just wish he would see what I have accomplished beyond the failures because really I have accomplished so much despite the stuff and done the best I can. But your statement was that I'm putting TOO MUCH responsiblity on him for MY emotional control and that part might be true. ONce I'm angry I do see it as he deserves it because he's being cruel. that's probably not true and no one does deserve that much anger and verbal bull. But it doesn't erase that I feel he is being emotionally cruel to me and that I would respond better to a different way. Period. I WOULD respond POSITIVELY if he wasn't cruel. I do feel that way, but I will continue to explore if I'm putting too much responsibility on him. Because I don't want to be unfair and avoid responsibility for myself. I don't at all. My point with AM is that he is not very good at taken responsibility for the 50% of the dysfunction that occurs, because he DOES NOT respond in a functional manner either. Not at all. I wish he did more than anything and honestly, half our fights are because I am trying to veer the interaction in a direction where we can practice the tools I learn in therapy but he is just reacting how he thinks he can to me. No tools, no new methods of dealing, now stopping to reflect if maybe I am handling it differnely than he predicts--he's just reacting however he sees fit. I am not trying to put anyone in the middle. As I said, I started this thread alone to vent. And the "third party objective" opinons are truly invaluable to me. So thank you again. AM said and did some hurtful things to me yesterday as well. Ones that left a deep wound yet again. I feel at a loss. he won't go to a wedding with me without a problem. I can't drive by a drunk without him blaming MY driving. I can't work my butt off to get insurance that'll take care of him without it being shot down. He is very good at rejecting my love and happiness too. so right now I don't know where to go, I don't want to end it, and yet I'm feelig like we are just a mess as a couple and it will always stay that way. and it aches deeply because i DO feel if he just switched his point of view to see the cup half full for a second we could make it. And as for him, I do see he comes here the last few days to find solutions and that's fine but offline, he isn't fully convinced he needs therapy himself. He doesn't think it will help him. And we have alot of legwork to do to really make it happen. anyway, THANK ALL OF YOU who post here. It is appreciated and it does make AS MUCH DIFFERENCE as a helping professional counselor, therapy or a support group in many important ways. I love this site and you regulars do make it worth so much if not just because you actually read these long-ass threads and comment astutely instead of making it all a joke.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I'm glad you decided to post again. Continue to do that! ONce I'm angry I do see it as he deserves it because he's being cruel. that's probably not true and no one does deserve that much anger and verbal bull. Only you can control your reactions...Just like AM can control his. It's too easy to feed from eachother and make it worse. It's HARD to change and get out of the habit, especially when one is feeling defensive or put on the spot...Its' just normal gut reaction. The key is to TRY to make the effort to change and when each of you see that the other one is trying - TELL eachother you've noticed the change and it's good! Changing patterns and thoughts can be done through hard work. I think both of you have it in you! Just will take alot of time. So be patient, lower the expectations for a little while. It could be good for both of you by doing that. Less expectation put on the other person, less letdown feelings will be felt. Does that make sense? lol. (Sometimes stuff in my head does then I get it out and down on paper, it reads differently.) It is appreciated and it does make AS MUCH DIFFERENCE as a helping professional counselor, LOL and we're cheaper!
Anger_magnet Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Whichway - I just want to say thank you for taking the time to post and I will post an update to the thread tommorow. I was called in for a temp job today and the post I had for today had to be put off to do some last minute paperwork for the job. Yes I am looking for and willing to go to work for those interested. I am not a bum just a guy that is really really sick.. any how if you want to find out just how sick I am stay posted as that will be part of a giant post I have for tommorow .. Thanks once again.. for your time whichway very much appreciated. :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I understand illnesses as I suffer from an anxiety disorder. Probably had some mild depression afew years ago too, so I know how hard it is to GO out there and live life normally when you can't function like you used to or want to. I don't think anybody thinks you're a bum just because you haven't been working. Everybody goes through s*** at some point in their life, so don't worry. I still believe that both of you can and will work through your issues/problems together. Look forward to reading that post when you're ready!
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