Anxiety when we are with his family, relatives - how to resolve that?

[swirlingcloud]

Hey,

I get anxiety of the thought of visiting and spending time with my husband's family and relatives. In the past it has been one incident after another. They fight or "discuss" in front of everyone. His parents fights a lot. Then everyone pretends as if it never was an incident, only if it has not been dealt with the proper way. You know it is only a matter of time before a new one starts. This family is different from mine on how to deal with conflicts. It is different from other families I've known.

He comes from a mix background. Almost each time we are to see his side it is days and nights in a row, living under the same roof, lots of people, including children and pets (I love children and pets so no trouble there), because of the geographical distance.  

I swear it, there is something about my husband that changes when he's with his family, relatives, than with my side or our people, friends. It is as my husband is replaced by someone else. 

It does not only stay at me feeling as if he was someone else, there's been incidents where he shows loyalty to one of his family members over me. This could be about things that he and I had discussed before on our own and come to a decision about, that is really non of the family member's business, if we should take it so far, where I thought we stood joined, that we would think and express ourselves in "we-terms". This is how I would always present things to my side or our people. I would not talk bad about him behind his back to anyone in our lives, but what ever issue or disagreement we had, either in our relationship or as parents, I would outside keep a joined, loyal unit. But the way it works in his family, I've learned, over time with more and more incidents taking place, that not only include me, us, is that at any given moment he or one of his family members can pretty much put us "outsiders" that got to be "family" on the spot. This is something I have not experienced before in other families or my own. 

There is no consideration that they are in a superior position as they are home, they are with their family, relatives, that will take their side, have stronger connections with, but we, "the outsiders" are in a inferior position, we are pretty much surrounded by them. To me it is not just as if he and I are in a combat, it is that he got all his soldiers with him, standing behind him.

The others "outsiders" have personalities where they can talk back and so then both sides have this sort of attitude, for the rest of us to endure. I never know what to say or do. They do this as if we are not in the room one minute, the next one of them, or both, wants sympathy. It is just really hard to know what to do. I am not like the rest of the "outsiders". I sincerely hate getting attention drawn to me when ever I would be in a conflict with someone else. I think that's private. It is not something I want to do in public. I'm thinking too of the others having to be witnessing this. 

I feel so different than my husband, the way he is when he is with his family. I feel as if I don't belong with him, nor his family. And by now I should not feel this way. 

We have talked it out numerous times, following each incident, but it is still obvious I can not trust him when he is around his family. For a few hours he can behave himself, but after that I think he returns to his old self that he used to be in the family and how he used to behave, always, before me. 

It can be big things. It can be small things. They all show a pattern of him at any time he thinks his side is "threaten" by me, which they are not, have never been, that he tries to "put me in my place" (or so it feels like). This last time it happened he had misunderstood something we were talking about and decides that I have somehow "attacked" someone on his side of the family. He immediately changed and got unpleasant, showing not only me, but everyone, his loyalty to his side. He was out of it. He did not even realize on his own, after everything we've been through, what he had just done. After all the talks we've had, after all the "preps". No use what so ever. It is as if he don't see the big picture. We can go through one incident after another. He finally gets to see it my way or say that he does. Me thinking OK, now he gets it, it won't happen again, but guess what, something else does, but it is the same thing, but he don't see it that way. 

 I no longer speak in "we terms" as he clearly does not understand that whole concept, what that's about, but speak on my own behalf. To me the only way I have been able to act the way I am most confident in is when I have cut him loose from me, I'm on my own, any way, he's not someone I can count on for support. I can not help but feel sad not only for myself but for the others "outsiders" as we all had to adapt this way in this family we've come part of. But still will never be part of. 

It all got to a point where I said I can't take this no more. I did not enjoy a social life with him,at all, but after thinking about it more, the small steps of improvements, the safe ones, we took after that (been recent in time) was when we then began socializing with my side of family and friends, then he was always the man I recognized. So that was really about securing what was already secured, from before. I've told him something happens to you when we are with your family and relatives (not with his friends, btw, then he's the same as he is with my people). It can too happen when I've visited him at work. Then too s if he's someone else. 

We have considered divorcing over this issue and other issues. It is something he begged me not to go through with. He wanted a second chance, yet when I gave it to him he repeated himself after we had been with his family, relatives, I gather, too long. I could tell by the look in his eyes just before that something was going to happen. He never ever is irritated with anyone else in his family the way he is with me. It is only I who he shows this kind of irritation to, then so everyone can see it. In all the time we've been a couple I have never done that to him. 

Now we are at this point where he says he does not feel as if he's enough because of how I have stated how I see him. He says the things that happens are not so big as the ones in the past (the errors he's made) and he thinks I make them bigger than they are. This reminds me too of the past where his usual tactic was to get defensive and to minimize my feelings and experience, instead of wanting to see things from my perspective. He would not appreciate that I would dare to show my emotions, be vulnerable. Instead I would always regret even saying something. He would make a bad thing even worse by how he responded to it. I learned with him that he would go through all the emotions, which would take days and nights, and me waiting and focusing on him finally coming to the last part, where he could take in my perspective. Him getting that way was too something that would make me not wanting to bring something up, but hope it would go away on it's own. He would for instance yell or speak, but when it was my turn to say something he would interrupt me after only a few words. Then it was all about him winning this fight, taking something I said and twist it to his own advantage or ignore anything I had said and continued just where he had left off (me even asking him before if he wanted to say something more, he said no, and then I naively thought it was my turn to speak).  All and all he would act as if we were in some kind of competition instead of recognizing that I was hurt and what we needed to do here was to get each other's perspective.  It was not actions from a man who had no emotions, it was that he had very strong emotions all over. This kind of competition is something I have seen over and over happening on his side of the family. The same ways of taking defensive, and so on.

So it's me being surrounded by the very thing I have anxiety about ever getting myself involved with again with my husband. It wakes it all up. The way it's been between us. When he has been going on and on the way he did (anxiety) I could feel his emotions, but I myself felt numbed, it had gotten to that stage, and I knew I had to wait as he was fully occupied with his own strong emotions. He has been too intense and I've been too calm, in a way. Even if it helps him not getting more intense (which he would have gotten would I too have been acting the way he did) it has still been unfair as there has been very little room for me. He took up almost all the air. He is a whole lot better these days as he does not have the same anxiety as he did back then .One good thing about him is that he no longer take defense (which was something I thought was so engraved in him that it would never go away). So I am learning to open up more and confiding to him more than before. I had before gotten to the point where I felt I did not care about who was right or wrong, I just don't want to go through another fight anymore (like the Tina Turner song). That too would distance us but it was the only way I could cope. 

When we're at home, when we're with my people, or our people, we work just fine, and I think that is because he is then the man I recognize him to be. 

I too feel somewhat insecure as there is this culture clash or family clash or what ever name it goes under that keeps reappearing. I did not know this from the get go. He was not kind enough or thought about it before enough that he should tell me about this rule he was brought up with. In his family they do not show physical tenderness the same way I have been used to. Another clash has been the language, not everyone speaks the same, there is a language barrier, I recognize some, know some words, but only so much. Me trying to fit in, trying to be social, show grace, takes much of my energy as I have to simultaneously get any undercurrent codes. 

When we in the past would go to any social function he would behave the way he had been taught to behave which meant that as soon as we got there he would split, pretty much, assume I would be with the women or what ever. He would not read his new surrounding, study how the other men, couple's behaved, the same went for his work place, same issue there. So people would assume we did not know each other, Or he was single. Flirt with him. It was just embarrassing. They would think at most we were siblings (even if we don't originate, have the same mix in us, they take my heritage wrong all the time, now it's gotten to the point that I let them if they are strangers) or friends, not a couple. That too made me question if and why others did not see our chemistry. That we were as shut off as we were with one another at these social gatherings. While I could tell some other couples they just sort of came together in the most beautiful way. They were in their right surrounding. They were perhaps even strengthen by it. It was not something that gave us a boost, as a couple, but divided us. It cost us problems. I totally blame him for it as he was the one who transformed and sort of took off. Not showing me or showing others he was proud to be my man and stand by my side. That he would not mix him being there with me, well balanced, with him being social with others. I would have to continuously be there pretending as if I was there alone, the other option was me getting hurt over and over and feeling humiliated. Then as we would go home he would at once already in the car get back to his usual self. He has worked on that and gotten better as in showing me and others we are a couple and so nowadays none of the stuff that used to happen has repeated itself. 

I feel it would be better for me if I am ever gonna do this to take small steps in "hanging out" with his family, relatives, than for us to be with them days and nights in a row, with no or little space of our own, but he says that's impossible and I know it. So then there is this big step I have to take, with no exit. I am here looking for advice on how to solve this so we can move forward, if possible. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do this. I have thought about him being much better off with someone who is more like he is and how his family are. The thing is we are so right for one another in some ways that are important to us as well, but so different when it comes to this. 

 

 

 

[Sanch62]

I would simply stop joining my husband on these trips. I'd let him go visit his family while I enjoy myself at home or with my own family. If this is a problem for him, I'd ask him to come up with a solution, such as staying in a hotel near his family instead of in their home, along with a written agreement that if he turns against me at any point during the visit, I will simply return to the hotel room and no longer engage.

I'd let him solve this, and if he won't to my satisfaction, he's welcome to go visit them alone.

[ShyViolet]

I would refuse to visit them anymore.  Why should you go somewhere and be disrespected?  I would tell him that he can go by himself.

[MsJayne]

So, he changes personality when he's around 'his' people. Just explain how unsettling and unpleasant it is for you and refuse to accompany him on these visits until he grows up. 

[swirlingcloud]

Thank you so much to you all who has replied : ) 

We've talked. First I told him I was not going. The anxiety of it, the replay, the flashbacks. It's just too much. He said he was very let down because he feels like now he's changed for real this time and he wants to prove that so we can get pass it. So I can trust him again. So I can love him the way I did before. These days it is as if I'm partly with this new husband. Someone who won't let me work out on my own, but wants to join, who give me flowers. There is this different feeling, maybe not so much what he is doing is so shockingly different, but as if he's on this mission, tending. But as if my heart is shut off from it, maybe because I know what lies ahead, would I go. 

I am perhaps too scared as I remember he one time before arranged for something (but then we were all visiting a new city for a special occasion) romantic and my heart was so open and I was so happy. I went from that to this brutal awakening as he instantly became someone else in their company and acted as if I was some stranger. I've come to understand that when he gets like that the surrounding, something about the people we're with does this. He has this way of distancing himself from me and our relationship. He is not my first love and I have to say I've never experienced this before. I would try to think of reasons as to why he change like that, before I thought it for sure had something to do with me, but that he would not tell me. 

I've learned through therapy that we have different attachment styles.

It is as if some error has been made. We were not suppose to be. He was suppose to be with someone who had his or some other wrong attachment style. Instead he ended up with me who had nothing wrong going with my attachment style. My life has certainly never been perfect, but it has been as if those first couple of years of mine on this earth assured that my attachment style would not get the hick ups. Which I have to say I am grateful for. Guess I was lucky back then. 

I get it now that how we ended up a couple was because no matter his inner turmoil was going at the time, the beginning, there was this safe place there as he was progressing our relationship slowly, in my pace, as we were first kind of best friends but we too had this exciting energy. His attachment style has too helped me understand why some type of women were particularly drawn to him, they recognize their own.  He said with me he started to feel things and there were times he started to get really scared about how strong his feelings were but at the same time he found me to be so calm and stable, that he could trust me more than he had been able to trust a woman, so he wanted to continue. 

I only recognized a few times to my recollection that there could be something off with his attachment style (at the time I was not aware there was such a thing called attachment style but I still got the hang of it). 

I was always calm because I could tell this guy loved me. I could tell when he did not want me to tell. I could tell most likely before he could tell. But I did not say anything about it. I hope I don't come off as if I'm bragging. I'm not saying I felt as if I deserved his love or not. But I knew. I knew from all the signs he was sending when he did not know he was sending them that he loved me. So that in return made me calm. I know one time, he was jealous, and this was not something he would talk to me about, so I did not know it was jealousy and why. He was not even jealous of me at the present moment (I was only seeing him), but he was jealous of my past (which was something I did not know one could be. I could not imagine being jealous of my past, it was not much to brag about, but it did not matter. He was jealous of me of my past). I knew he had been different for some days. I could tell by this pattern that he was withdrawing. I knew there in the car that now was the very moment he would dump me. But it was as if at the last  minute he had a change of heart. Why I don't know. One other time as he would always when too upset leave, I could watch him from the window going back and forth. I thought only that was kind of funny. I knew he would come back. He did not know I could see him. 

I've asked him if it wouldn't be nice if he without me would spend time with them without having to worry about if he makes an error. I understand he needs his family and they need him.  If and when he has not said much about it. 

When I suggested I could go with him if different living arrangements and his absolute promise he went from thinking that was impossible to him getting ready to arrange it. We have talked about how to present this. I'm not really up for saying anything. They can guess all they want or not. Hopefully that is not the center of attention, anyhow. He's too ready to throw in some romantic and family stuff activities too, I guess distract me, or place the focus elsewhere. 

 

[MsJayne]

I wouldn’t buy any of his excuses. Abandoning your partner in social settings is disrespectful, destructive, cruel, selfish, and childish. He needs to stop making excuses and making false promises to change, but he probably won’t. It’s nothing to do with attachment styles and everything to do with his weak personality pandering to his toxic and misogynistic family culture. Personally I believe that underneath every misogynist is a latent homosexual, no matter how blokey they behave. Maybe you should tell him that he needs to ‘come out’

[swirlingcloud]

LOL, Thank you, MsJayne, I agree it is disrespectful and so on.

Sure to say when I'm in love the red flags passes me by. Can't blame anyone else for that. 

I've been given the explanation that he has anxiety and that it has been the anxiety that has made him the way he has been before when we were arguing, fighting, but here I am with anxiety and I don't argue or fight like that. He has changed in that he does not get the same way no more and he won't leave in the middle of everything, but when he did leave I thought he needed to calm down, because it was not productive, secondly I was relieved he left, because there was no way I could get through to him, and everything he felt and everything he thought had taken over. Because it was like this for so long I've gotten effected by it. He says today that he's so sorry about that. 

He keeps saying he wants to rebuilt the trust and that now he is this changed man, he believes himself to be, before it was too soon, and to please give him and us this new chance of making it. He agrees he has been weak before. He says he is ashamed of how he has been. That it has taken him all this time to sort himself out and with the help of therapy (and pills)  that he wants to believe that he can do it now, that he can be MR Right for me.  I've been told it takes time to do all this. 

I can make an update, if OK, on here when I get back

 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, swirlingcloud said:

I can make an update, if OK, on here when I get back

Yes, please let us know how it goes. If you will stay with his family, keep a credit card, a set of the car keys, or an Uber account. If your husband acts out against you or fails to defend you if a family member picks on you, you can go to a hotel. Have a Plan B to get yourself home from there.

[stillafool]

I would absolutely stay home and not go and be around his relatives, I wouldn't care what he says.  You have to protect yourself, it's clear he won't do it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's one criteria for a good partner's maturity. 

How do they treat us when they are with their family? This issue is huge and hugely under-discussed as people date. Does the person amongs family disconnect from us? Does our partner (visiting their family) assume we should just sink and swim on our own with these people we don't know, and who may not be much friendly?

The issue of family carries on past marriage. My father told me once that he had to disconnect from his family because they were so rude to my mother. He was shocked that it took him so long to see how toxic his own family was towards his wife (my mother). BTW: over time, he felt enormously free and relieved to create distance with his birth family. 

I would NOT go with these people if your partner lacks the distance and guts and maturity to prioritize you when visiting his family. This issue is worth a major conflict at some point. Because people like your partner may simply not "get it." 

 

 

[swirlingcloud]

Hey everyone, 

Thank you everyone so much, it feels so good that I had this forum, you all here, while I have been gone. I did eventually go and had a plan B. He too came up with a plan B to help me out but his looked different. I can not believe all the time and efforts it has taken before he got to this point. His plan B was to direct me, us more to the side of people, relatives that he felt would not start something (and he was right). There were tensions between some, but it did not blossom, so no ugly scenes that I have gotten used to since becoming part of his family. I can tell where it all goes wrong, the communication, conflict style, but as much as it reminded me of everything I could tell my husband did not repeat himself and went into that direction as well. Before he never cared to check on me to see if I was OK, he did that regularly when we were both socializing with others or seated far apart. I have mixed emotions. One part of me is relieved he coped as well as he did. But on the other hand he was not subjected to the sort of ugly conflicts we've gotten used to (some people were not there, ugly scenes been part of them, the whole crowd), so I do not know if he would step up, how he would handle that different today than before. He has told me he thinks I have been difficult to read as he sees it as if I am always calm, correct in my ways when dealing with someone aggressive, that he don't know I need his support or him taking over in handling the whole situation. 

I am somewhat concerned he is trying out to be Mr Perfect and that this could be a reason he will backfire. I have asked him if he tries harder to be this Mr Perfect when we're with my family or our people but he says it ain't that, it's that it's people he feels relaxed around and good about, and that he knows there is no such situation. 

There are signs to me that he is still trying out for Mr Perfect as he gives me things he has not done before (being romantic, he thinks), adding to him then having to work extra shifts, and him being open to us trying to have a baby. Long before when I wanted us to try he did not want to, so I have my concern if this is him trying to make me want to stay rather than him wanting a new baby added to the family. I do not want to make a hasty decision and take things slow as I think we then have a better chance of making it, one step at a time, but him knowing what my vision is for the future, our plan. 

 

[swirlingcloud]

On 5/29/2025 at 8:02 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Here's one criteria for a good partner's maturity. 

How do they treat us when they are with their family? This issue is huge and hugely under-discussed as people date. Does the person amongs family disconnect from us? Does our partner (visiting their family) assume we should just sink and swim on our own with these people we don't know, and who may not be much friendly?

The issue of family carries on past marriage. My father told me once that he had to disconnect from his family because they were so rude to my mother. He was shocked that it took him so long to see how toxic his own family was towards his wife (my mother). BTW: over time, he felt enormously free and relieved to create distance with his birth family. 

I would NOT go with these people if your partner lacks the distance and guts and maturity to prioritize you when visiting his family. This issue is worth a major conflict at some point. Because people like your partner may simply not "get it." 

 

 

Could not agree with you more. I had no idea it would get as bad as it has and that it would be so hard to wake him up to what has been going on. There is mental illness in the family. One thing I could tell it by was that someone in particular would for instance say something true about me and then fabricate the rest to suit the agenda. This would then spread in the family, social life but the family member would not tell it to my face. It could for instance that my husband had made a choice, life decision, that did not suit the family member, to then fabricate that I was the one who got him to do it, that I took him away. I was dumbfound by this as when my husband did make this decision of his, we had not yet met. He had no clue of my existence. Impossible that I had anything to do with that, but this childish envy, jealousy, part of the mental illness, is more preferred than the actual harsh truth which would then be that the family member felt rejected by my husband alone. It was better to blame me for it. 

My husband has always had a way about him outside the family gatherings where this family member was part of, that everyone can tell he gravitates towards me. He wants to be with me. There was so much, so many rules, where he has been used to adapting himself to the point he was not aware he did, to please this family member who otherwise would give you the evil eye. 

I am happy to hear your dad finally woke up to make the decision he did. Other family member has told my husband to create more distance, because this family member knows how it effects you, the impact it has done for own sake. Even when my husband says it do not. I do not meddle in their relationship, try to keep a low profile and out of it. In ways I can be a support I want to, but I have to do so my way. As for now they are trying out different meds to see what could work best for the family member. 

It is a concern of mine when I do see signs that my husband is too stressed out, but cannot read his own signals before it is too late. I have tried to pull him away, but when he is in it he has not listened. One other sign is that he gets jealous and read me all wrong, jump to the wrong conclusion. He feels more like himself now, thank God. He has said that if he has to chose he will chose me. I do not ever want it to come to that or can imagine that. His family needs him too and he does them, but he needs to find that balance for his own good. 

I hope our future looks bright still as a couple, that we can finally move pass this once and for all. 

Thank you for sharing your story, really appreciate that. 

[stillafool]

Wouldn't it be easier o both you and your husband if you just don't go and let him visit and deal with his mentally ill family on his own?  That way they can have their time with him without feeling they are competing with you and vice versa.

[swirlingcloud]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

Wouldn't it be easier o both you and your husband if you just don't go and let him visit and deal with his mentally ill family on his own?  That way they can have their time with him without feeling they are competing with you and vice versa.

  

Oh, yes, totally agree with you, it would be. For most part that is what I have done, but there are these family gatherings where it is expected for us all to join. There has been times when I have stood my ground and said I'm not going, but me trying to make him go on his own, where as he has then decided he won't go without me. Either he has ended up not going or I have gone just to please him.  But too times when he has gone alone. 

It's problematic because they are all in one crowd, you know, the ones that there is no issue with, nothing going on with, mixed up with those than can fire off at any point.

On one side it makes sense that there is this mixed crowd because two "worked up"-people would not make it for long as a couple, and so the mix is you got one who is calm (like I am, normally) and you got the other who's "wired up", somehow. Looking at his family history, generations back, and from stories I've heard, I've come to the conclusion that this sort of "couple-making" has happened before, "tradition", within his family, among his relatives.  

I can make the same comparison myself where as I am more "at home", I sort of feel it both mentally and somehow physically too, with family, relatives that are more like me, "safe", so to speak, so I am being drawn to that direction. I come from a big family, many relatives, so it is easy to "pick and chose" your own kind without anyone (to my knowledge) taking offense. We've had huge gatherings too, but even at those it's impossible that everyone shows up. The kind of family, relatives I'm drawn to are the ones that are known as simple, easy to talk to, have this empathy quality, can rely on, are honest, open, caring, have a sense of humor I appreciate, the ones I have most memories of from growing up. These are the ones that has taught me how to discuss, how to resolve things, how to move past issues by me simply growing up with them all around me, seeing how they do it, they come from stable long lasting marriages. I know now what a blessing that has been. I never gave it a thought before until I dived into trying to make my marriage work as I could tell how destructive our fights were. I found him to be very difficult to have a discussion, a fight with, with everything that was happening with him when we did. I have relatives that are like me and they had to break up from their partners that has ADHD, untreated, back then, or self medicated (the wrong way). 

I can tell where both of his parents (as they fight right in front of you) is up to something wrong, and he has copied them both (Yeah!). I know now that it is not the discussions or the fights that break you up, it is how it is done. It is impossible to get it right if one of you are doing it wrong.  It will all catch up. I've come to realize it is not about love not being enough, I've seen couples so in love, couple starting families on their own, but then the divorce arrives. I've heard or seen them fight and realize either one of them is doing it wrong or both of them are doing individually something wrong. There for love, trust dies in the process. These are only my thoughts on the matter. The ideal is of course if both are doing it right. As for my husband he had to become aware of what he was doing, and where it came from and reboot himself. I can still get flashes from how bad it used to be. He would be so worked up he has no memories of what he said or did (his anxiety was too strong). 

The issue I found within his family is that it was as if they were blind and deaf in a way to not recognize what was going on with for instance one family member of theirs. Me coming to a point where I had to have these fights with my husband about. One one hand it's about getting that individual the help it needs, the other is that it is not OK behavior for me, or anyone, to be subjected to, when it's ill willed, and that my husband had to wake the... up. 

I think that family member in particular very much wants to keep the family how it was before, and so the family changing, adding family members to it, is seen as this threat. There has been times when this family member has decided to make arrangements so that every "new" family member (partners, their kids) are not welcome, only the original members, in ways I have never seen before happening in any other family (and certainly not my own). 

God, I wish I had been wiser and paid more attention to how I felt when entering his family unit and how I witnessed him changing, because my instinct was right on. The sooner we would have done something about it the better, but unfortunate it was very, very hard to wake him up. It was all when I was about to give up for good when he finally understood it was now or never. 

I know now to listen more to my boundaries or else this is going to happen, me getting anxiety eventually as I've been through too much.

[Bettyyyyy]

On 5/25/2025 at 6:09 AM, swirlingcloud said:

Hey,

I get anxiety of the thought of visiting and spending time with my husband's family and relatives. In the past it has been one incident after another. They fight or "discuss" in front of everyone. His parents fights a lot. Then everyone pretends as if it never was an incident, only if it has not been dealt with the proper way. You know it is only a matter of time before a new one starts. This family is different from mine on how to deal with conflicts. It is different from other families I've known.

He comes from a mix background. Almost each time we are to see his side it is days and nights in a row, living under the same roof, lots of people, including children and pets (I love children and pets so no trouble there), because of the geographical distance.  

I swear it, there is something about my husband that changes when he's with his family, relatives, than with my side or our people, friends. It is as my husband is replaced by someone else. 

It does not only stay at me feeling as if he was someone else, there's been incidents where he shows loyalty to one of his family members over me. This could be about things that he and I had discussed before on our own and come to a decision about, that is really non of the family member's business, if we should take it so far, where I thought we stood joined, that we would think and express ourselves in "we-terms". This is how I would always present things to my side or our people. I would not talk bad about him behind his back to anyone in our lives, but what ever issue or disagreement we had, either in our relationship or as parents, I would outside keep a joined, loyal unit. But the way it works in his family, I've learned, over time with more and more incidents taking place, that not only include me, us, is that at any given moment he or one of his family members can pretty much put us "outsiders" that got to be "family" on the spot. This is something I have not experienced before in other families or my own. 

There is no consideration that they are in a superior position as they are home, they are with their family, relatives, that will take their side, have stronger connections with, but we, "the outsiders" are in a inferior position, we are pretty much surrounded by them. To me it is not just as if he and I are in a combat, it is that he got all his soldiers with him, standing behind him.

The others "outsiders" have personalities where they can talk back and so then both sides have this sort of attitude, for the rest of us to endure. I never know what to say or do. They do this as if we are not in the room one minute, the next one of them, or both, wants sympathy. It is just really hard to know what to do. I am not like the rest of the "outsiders". I sincerely hate getting attention drawn to me when ever I would be in a conflict with someone else. I think that's private. It is not something I want to do in public. I'm thinking too of the others having to be witnessing this. 

I feel so different than my husband, the way he is when he is with his family. I feel as if I don't belong with him, nor his family. And by now I should not feel this way. 

We have talked it out numerous times, following each incident, but it is still obvious I can not trust him when he is around his family. For a few hours he can behave himself, but after that I think he returns to his old self that he used to be in the family and how he used to behave, always, before me. 

It can be big things. It can be small things. They all show a pattern of him at any time he thinks his side is "threaten" by me, which they are not, have never been, that he tries to "put me in my place" (or so it feels like). This last time it happened he had misunderstood something we were talking about and decides that I have somehow "attacked" someone on his side of the family. He immediately changed and got unpleasant, showing not only me, but everyone, his loyalty to his side. He was out of it. He did not even realize on his own, after everything we've been through, what he had just done. After all the talks we've had, after all the "preps". No use what so ever. It is as if he don't see the big picture. We can go through one incident after another. He finally gets to see it my way or say that he does. Me thinking OK, now he gets it, it won't happen again, but guess what, something else does, but it is the same thing, but he don't see it that way. 

 I no longer speak in "we terms" as he clearly does not understand that whole concept, what that's about, but speak on my own behalf. To me the only way I have been able to act the way I am most confident in is when I have cut him loose from me, I'm on my own, any way, he's not someone I can count on for support. I can not help but feel sad not only for myself but for the others "outsiders" as we all had to adapt this way in this family we've come part of. But still will never be part of. 

It all got to a point where I said I can't take this no more. I did not enjoy a social life with him,at all, but after thinking about it more, the small steps of improvements, the safe ones, we took after that (been recent in time) was when we then began socializing with my side of family and friends, then he was always the man I recognized. So that was really about securing what was already secured, from before. I've told him something happens to you when we are with your family and relatives (not with his friends, btw, then he's the same as he is with my people). It can too happen when I've visited him at work. Then too s if he's someone else. 

We have considered divorcing over this issue and other issues. It is something he begged me not to go through with. He wanted a second chance, yet when I gave it to him he repeated himself after we had been with his family, relatives, I gather, too long. I could tell by the look in his eyes just before that something was going to happen. He never ever is irritated with anyone else in his family the way he is with me. It is only I who he shows this kind of irritation to, then so everyone can see it. In all the time we've been a couple I have never done that to him. 

Now we are at this point where he says he does not feel as if he's enough because of how I have stated how I see him. He says the things that happens are not so big as the ones in the past (the errors he's made) and he thinks I make them bigger than they are. This reminds me too of the past where his usual tactic was to get defensive and to minimize my feelings and experience, instead of wanting to see things from my perspective. He would not appreciate that I would dare to show my emotions, be vulnerable. Instead I would always regret even saying something. He would make a bad thing even worse by how he responded to it. I learned with him that he would go through all the emotions, which would take days and nights, and me waiting and focusing on him finally coming to the last part, where he could take in my perspective. Him getting that way was too something that would make me not wanting to bring something up, but hope it would go away on it's own. He would for instance yell or speak, but when it was my turn to say something he would interrupt me after only a few words. Then it was all about him winning this fight, taking something I said and twist it to his own advantage or ignore anything I had said and continued just where he had left off (me even asking him before if he wanted to say something more, he said no, and then I naively thought it was my turn to speak).  All and all he would act as if we were in some kind of competition instead of recognizing that I was hurt and what we needed to do here was to get each other's perspective.  It was not actions from a man who had no emotions, it was that he had very strong emotions all over. This kind of competition is something I have seen over and over happening on his side of the family. The same ways of taking defensive, and so on.

So it's me being surrounded by the very thing I have anxiety about ever getting myself involved with again with my husband. It wakes it all up. The way it's been between us. When he has been going on and on the way he did (anxiety) I could feel his emotions, but I myself felt numbed, it had gotten to that stage, and I knew I had to wait as he was fully occupied with his own strong emotions. He has been too intense and I've been too calm, in a way. Even if it helps him not getting more intense (which he would have gotten would I too have been acting the way he did) it has still been unfair as there has been very little room for me. He took up almost all the air. He is a whole lot better these days as he does not have the same anxiety as he did back then .One good thing about him is that he no longer take defense (which was something I thought was so engraved in him that it would never go away). So I am learning to open up more and confiding to him more than before. I had before gotten to the point where I felt I did not care about who was right or wrong, I just don't want to go through another fight anymore (like the Tina Turner song). That too would distance us but it was the only way I could cope. 

When we're at home, when we're with my people, or our people, we work just fine, and I think that is because he is then the man I recognize him to be. 

I too feel somewhat insecure as there is this culture clash or family clash or what ever name it goes under that keeps reappearing. I did not know this from the get go. He was not kind enough or thought about it before enough that he should tell me about this rule he was brought up with. In his family they do not show physical tenderness the same way I have been used to. Another clash has been the language, not everyone speaks the same, there is a language barrier, I recognize some, know some words, but only so much. Me trying to fit in, trying to be social, show grace, takes much of my energy as I have to simultaneously get any undercurrent codes. 

When we in the past would go to any social function he would behave the way he had been taught to behave which meant that as soon as we got there he would split, pretty much, assume I would be with the women or what ever. He would not read his new surrounding, study how the other men, couple's behaved, the same went for his work place, same issue there. So people would assume we did not know each other, Or he was single. Flirt with him. It was just embarrassing. They would think at most we were siblings (even if we don't originate, have the same mix in us, they take my heritage wrong all the time, now it's gotten to the point that I let them if they are strangers) or friends, not a couple. That too made me question if and why others did not see our chemistry. That we were as shut off as we were with one another at these social gatherings. While I could tell some other couples they just sort of came together in the most beautiful way. They were in their right surrounding. They were perhaps even strengthen by it. It was not something that gave us a boost, as a couple, but divided us. It cost us problems. I totally blame him for it as he was the one who transformed and sort of took off. Not showing me or showing others he was proud to be my man and stand by my side. That he would not mix him being there with me, well balanced, with him being social with others. I would have to continuously be there pretending as if I was there alone, the other option was me getting hurt over and over and feeling humiliated. Then as we would go home he would at once already in the car get back to his usual self. He has worked on that and gotten better as in showing me and others we are a couple and so nowadays none of the stuff that used to happen has repeated itself. 

I feel it would be better for me if I am ever gonna do this to take small steps in "hanging out" with his family, relatives, than for us to be with them days and nights in a row, with no or little space of our own, but he says that's impossible and I know it. So then there is this big step I have to take, with no exit. I am here looking for advice on how to solve this so we can move forward, if possible. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do this. I have thought about him being much better off with someone who is more like he is and how his family are. The thing is we are so right for one another in some ways that are important to us as well, but so different when it comes to this. 

 

 

 

You’re not alone. what you’re describing is real and so hard. It’s not just about his family, it’s about how he changes around them and stops having your back. That’s a deep kind of hurt.

Honestly, it’s okay to need boundaries. If long visits make you anxious, shorter trips or staying nearby could help. And your husband needs to step up and be your partner, not someone who throws you under the bus to keep the peace.

You deserve to feel safe and supported, not like an outsider in your own relationship. Don’t let anyone minimize that. Sending you love and strength

[swirlingcloud]

5 hours ago, Bettyyyyy said:

You’re not alone. what you’re describing is real and so hard. It’s not just about his family, it’s about how he changes around them and stops having your back. That’s a deep kind of hurt.

Honestly, it’s okay to need boundaries. If long visits make you anxious, shorter trips or staying nearby could help. And your husband needs to step up and be your partner, not someone who throws you under the bus to keep the peace.

You deserve to feel safe and supported, not like an outsider in your own relationship. Don’t let anyone minimize that. Sending you love and strength

Thank you so much, yes, you nailed it, a deep kind of hurt is what I experienced the first time. It made me Wonder too if he would act the same way would an aggressive stranger, or who ever, treat me this badly. I thought then I am better off without him and too minus the stress of having more trouble in my life, a win win. At last then I would feel more in control of my life, who I want in my life and not. The excuses he has given me is that he was so used to the mental abuse that he did not recognize it as such and that he was not allowed to develop his own thoughts and feelings, it was always him taking orders from authority and that way standing in line with the rest of the crowd. He still acted as a boy when he was suppose to have transcended to a man and what that means to too be a womans man. That was not encouraged. It was as if respect only worked one way. It was expected that I too would be this girl, when I was a woman, and get in line with him, if I did not I was the wrong one. No matter his excuses I do not find them enough. I have told him if it happens again I am getting a divorce because I have more than had it with him. I have thought about if it is that he is mixed, culture, as I have been told boys have more value over there, that somehow me not agreeing with him, not standing in line, then made him think it was OK for family member to have a go at me? I do not know if he is aware of all the reasons why he threw me under the bus before. He has said he has been surprised by how quickly things turned ugly and today that he does feel ashamed about it and has apologized to me. It is comforting to know I am not alone, but so terrible as well that others go through this. I am still not entirely sure he will come to my aid 100% if something new happens, he has stepped up once before at the same time I did, another time he tried talking for a really long time with the one who had just had a go at me. Another time he tried to physically show his support of me by gently touching me with his hand as I was in confrontation with someone that was out of line. I know I have to give him Credit for taking steps in the right direction, but I can not help but feel it has been too little too late. I hope that feeling will pass. There is a tradition where the family, relatives cut off contact because of all the fighting, do it being like this in this generation on his side is really nothing new. To me it is just mad it has to get to that but understand too given how it all was that it was for the best. 

[Sanch62]

You sound intuitive, and you're combining a healthy mix of gravitation toward healthier family members and boundaries with those who demonstrate mental illness to hold your own when attending family gatherings.

Your intuition is also serving you in dealing with your husband. You've learned that righteous arguing doesn't accomplish anything, but employing consequences is the only way to achieve results. This doesn't strike me as self-serving, but as a 'win' for your relationship.

While it may be hard to let go of regrets for how long it has taken to reach this awareness, I hope you will be kind to yourself and understand that we can only do our best with what we know at any given time. 

[swirlingcloud]

On 6/4/2025 at 6:30 PM, Sanch62 said:

You sound intuitive, and you're combining a healthy mix of gravitation toward healthier family members and boundaries with those who demonstrate mental illness to hold your own when attending family gatherings.

Your intuition is also serving you in dealing with your husband. You've learned that righteous arguing doesn't accomplish anything, but employing consequences is the only way to achieve results. This doesn't strike me as self-serving, but as a 'win' for your relationship.

While it may be hard to let go of regrets for how long it has taken to reach this awareness, I hope you will be kind to yourself and understand that we can only do our best with what we know at any given time. 

That is so very kind of you, Thank you very much.

He was part of a wild party animal single group, lol, when we met, and as I could tell him getting serious about me almost instantly, how he talked about me when I wasn't there with them hit a nerve with someone and it got crazy so he would not spend time with them no more, him worrying I would get the "wrong" idea of him chosing that company and going about as before. I have noticed he has been more patient, tolerant to bad behavoir, given that was what he has been used to being Ok, but he does not let that someone know then and there strong enough so then they continue til he explodes. When it is enough, even for him. I have waited for him to get things sooner than he does, to not be OK with it, and when to say something say it decisevely. That way they know to back off. Instead he has swallowed til he can't. He too has a way to suddenly go off. Somrtimes you can tell there is a built up, others you really can't, and I can imagine for someone else who is so wrapped up in themselves, their own agenda, they don't see it at all til it is too late. I could tell some of the party members were that. I was to learn that it aggrivated someone of me simply wandering into his life and him thinking I was the one without me making much effort while someone else was trying to make him hers longer. I didn't know this. He said he was single. I was single. He said he dated me and noone else, it was as if was insulting to him the idea that he would be seeing someone else. I have learned that sometimes as in that group or his family I trigger something that is not about me but their own relationship or what ever is going on with them, and for me not to take it personally. I have felt that a lot, being used for something, being a symbol for something else enirely different than I can myself identify or take any account for. They live in their own world. It is really him they are after, but it's been me they've been chasing. On a deeper lever it is really themselves they are having a problem with, but they do not see it. 

I find it hard when I do see red flags when I know that someone else who need to see it don't. What I do these days is that I tell that someone what I see and then step back. The stepping back part is difficult. You get nervous for their sake. You want to protect. Take over. But you can't. Not your call. Theirs. They might need more time to think. It may all be news to them. They might never see it from the perspective I did. 

I do not believe for a second that stable good intendent families would to this to their own next generation. By treating me badly he is treated badly and as much he was OK with him being treated that way I wish he had had enough love and bravery in his heart to stand up for me. To have that gut feeling, to feel protective of someone you love. Instead he showed me and the rest what little value I had, what I meant to him. He might as well have said, you all, go ahead, treat her any way you like, I don't care.

I have moments when I am still hurting because of it and to be honest I do not think it will ever heal completely, should I continue with or without him. It is still something that he has finally apologized for, but it has not had the effect he was hoping for. I am hurting too over the love I used to have for him has died and changed. He says his is still the same. I have not heard it before, but for me the hurt I feel when my love dies this way, that part of my love, is like that part dies with me too. I think for most part I have only heard of people who says they hurt over the ones they love not loving them no more, but is is as if they do not understand the one who has, has had the same hurt, they are not the only victim as much as they feel like they are at the present time. Love and the hurt works both ways. I hurt because he hurt me and so now we both hurt. 

I think in time for us, at least, as we grow older, start our own family, that if you have not done so before you do it now, think in a different way, as you want to protect your kid, you want to provide that safe, loving environmeant, that you move away from the chaos getting to your kid. But in order to do so you first has to rcognize it for what it is, chaos. you do not want to be around it and the last one you want to place in that situation is your child. But to protect your child you too have to protect the other parent, you have to protect one another. A part of me wants to simply put it to him What THE HELL were you thinking?! 

I think it is important for the older generation to recognize that the young couple who is starting out their own family is never going to be the same one as the older generation has. It is going to be a mix of hopefully the good stuff carried on from the old that the next generation has chosen to take to heart and their own making. I, for one, do not  want the bad from either side to impact. It is sad you have to think in terms of protecting your relationship, marriage, the family you created  the present, the future from yours first family. 

 

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, swirlingcloud said:

I think it is important for the older generation to recognize that the young couple who is starting out their own family is never going to be the same one as the older generation has. It is going to be a mix of hopefully the good stuff carried on from the old that the next generation has chosen to take to heart and their own making.

Ideally, but that's a tall order. Our ideals are not something we can impose on older generations with any expectation of success. Yes, we can model the behaviors we want to see. We can lead by example, and we can impose boundaries and restrictions to limit certain exposure to ourselves and our children.

With these choices we 'teach' elders without a need for confrontations or lectures that the consequences of certain behaviors will be less interaction with us and our children. This allows them to decide whether they will self-correct to encourage our visits, or they can double-down and be left grappling with why we don't see them much.

But our kids need to be raised to operate in the real world, not an idyllic one. And the real world includes some crazy-azz people. We can view these as tragic or just common. The hype around most holidays includes articles on methods of dealing with difficult people within one's family. So these can become teachable moments for our children. On the way home in the car we discuss why Grandpa says swear words and shouts at Mommy. We teach them to understand mental illness and why we don't accept or repeat this behavior, except when Mommy or Daddy tells you it's okay because they are too ill to understand what they are doing. That kind of stuff.

We can't control reality. We learn along the way, we make room for the fact that our partners may be more damaged and slower to learn in certain areas, even while they can support us in learning our own blind spots. We can decide how much damage this must cause along the way. Those are private choices, and hopefully, we can learn how to hurt less and grow more. Some elders are healthy enough to teach us how to do this. Seek them out, and absorb their wisdom.

[swirlingcloud]

On 6/7/2025 at 9:35 PM, Sanch62 said:

Ideally, but that's a tall order. Our ideals are not something we can impose on older generations with any expectation of success. Yes, we can model the behaviors we want to see. We can lead by example, and we can impose boundaries and restrictions to limit certain exposure to ourselves and our children.

With these choices we 'teach' elders without a need for confrontations or lectures that the consequences of certain behaviors will be less interaction with us and our children. This allows them to decide whether they will self-correct to encourage our visits, or they can double-down and be left grappling with why we don't see them much.

But our kids need to be raised to operate in the real world, not an idyllic one. And the real world includes some crazy-azz people. We can view these as tragic or just common. The hype around most holidays includes articles on methods of dealing with difficult people within one's family. So these can become teachable moments for our children. On the way home in the car we discuss why Grandpa says swear words and shouts at Mommy. We teach them to understand mental illness and why we don't accept or repeat this behavior, except when Mommy or Daddy tells you it's okay because they are too ill to understand what they are doing. That kind of stuff.

We can't control reality. We learn along the way, we make room for the fact that our partners may be more damaged and slower to learn in certain areas, even while they can support us in learning our own blind spots. We can decide how much damage this must cause along the way. Those are private choices, and hopefully, we can learn how to hurt less and grow more. Some elders are healthy enough to teach us how to do this. Seek them out, and absorb their wisdom.

True, wise words, but they work better on families where there is no such severe mental disability, but I have been told what I have done, being open, clear, calm, but sorry to say my heart has been pounding, showing respect is the way to go, but no matter what if someone is so mentally ill, aggressive, at the moment, it can only work so and so. I have trauma, flashback from particurly one time and how my husband said, did nothing, but showing that way he sided with the aggressor, actually starting out with him without notice to me sended this aggressive individual my way, was in the same room and said, did nothing to show the aggressive one it was way out of line so two against one. We have followed the distance. And me taking more distance as I do not want to impose..but this individual do not understand the socalled subtle way of why there is distance. I still hope everything works out as much as it can for everyone. 

He and I have to work out something so that he can tell I need help when I need it as he do not catch those signals. I thought we had worked out something but that did not work when he was so stressed out. I have no problem at others times as we are close a good team but then we communicate straight forward. He is sharp and intelligent, we should be able to find something, I hope. I leave it up to him now to think of what it could be. 

[swirlingcloud]

Hey !

One other thing I thought of is that when I am such a situation with someone hostile, aggressive I have bern taught to not cut off eye contact but look steady, to not show myself submissive. 

How ever, the females in his first family look down at one point or another. They look sad, afraid, can start to tear up, sob, cry. He recognize that as in a female then needing his help. He says he can not tell when I get afraid as he does not think I show it. 

I am used to if and when in such similar situation that other people around me get it and give support 

Edited June 9 by swirlingcloud

[swirlingcloud]

Me again (sigh, lol), there are males too, including my husband who too can show off emotion as getting teary eyed so it is not only reserved for the females, but I am not like that then and there. I function without it getting a grip on me until later when the situation has passed. Right there and then I am only trying to navigate through it. The way it usually goes for my husband is that he will fire off, get so irritated to then it being followed by him getting emotional, teary eyed. Anxiety. It is as if they have too much, too strong emotions, wired differently than how I work, am wired, and as if I have come to the wrong planet. Because of those tensions I feel as if I can not relax. 

I much rather want to talk, sort things out, with one another the way I have seen happen, how my first family relatives handled it. I am way more comfortable being open, honest, and hear their side, to find a mutual grounding, then for me to take distance, when to me something has not been sorted out. 

But is is so hard to do this, I can't do it alone. What my husband and some family members of his has in common is simply how they get in a discussion or fight. To use an example they feel things so strong that when I think it is still OK to sit down and talk, sort it out, they get up and leave. They do not say a word, they just leave. They leave so fast. They can then make sounds as in causing some kind of damage somewhere to then leaving for real. Then some time later return. What I am used to being a discussion or fight that will last about an hour before being sorted out can take hours, if not days. In one  way it is as if he relies on me being the calm one, waiting for his emotions to cool off, another as if he is holding it against me. It is obvious to me they can barely cope with their emotions, less deal with mine, so it is not productive, til or if they get there. 

When I think of how different we are, I am thinking he and his family would be better off then with someone wired like they are. That he was meant to for instance pair up with the kind of chaos girl, forgive me, who had had the hots for him, but not getting nowhere, part of his single party gang, long before I showed up. Before I could sort that out. That that was more his cup of tea, but he told me he had never like her that way, that nothing had happened. He was so smitten with me, we suited each other, but in a different way. I could not have shook him off had I tried. 

I did not anticipate how it would get with his family before when it was only him and I and we hung out with family members   that seemed to like me, approve of me. I saw no signs then. The signs came some time after we had had our baby and moved, when I suppose you get to interact a different way. It was after that it got visible to me, more and more. 

I on one hand find it hard to imagine how he and the chaos girl would last more then ten minutes, but I could be way wrong as he seems to be missing the chaos he is used to growing up with and that that somehow works for him and his family, but in another way it messes the family up. 

I have not wanted to inform family and friends on how he and the family gets as for starters I can imagine they will have a hard time believing it, never having seen him like that, to them he is dreamy, MR perfect who loves and cares for me so, and they treat him as he is part of them as much as I. Secondly, it is this I have tried to avoid, me thinking the exposure will only put more stress and create more walls between us, as I have not wanted to expose him or us to that, thirdly had I done that I would be no better at what he has done, making private things between he and I to be discussed or fought about openly. Me going through this alone without family and friends knowing anything makes me feel more lonely, but I still think it's for the best. He says he is willing to inform them adding he will too apologize to them for how he's been and that now he wants to make a mends. I am sorry I go forth and back like this with all my thoughts and feelings.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, swirlingcloud said:

True, wise words, but they work better on families where there is no such severe mental disability, but I have been told what I have done, being open, clear, calm, but sorry to say my heart has been pounding, showing respect is the way to go, but no matter what if someone is so mentally ill, aggressive, at the moment, it can only work so and so.

I'm jumping in late here.   I was under the impression that his family was exhibiting very bad behaviour, but you're now talking about severe mental illness.   While both can make a person intolerable, the former is a choice and the latter is not.

If this is a mental illness, what is the diagnosis?  Are they seeking psychiatric and psychological help?   If not, could your husband support them to do so?

[stillafool]

Your responses are so long it's hard for people to read all that text and keep up.

[swirlingcloud]

On 6/10/2025 at 12:03 AM, basil67 said:

I'm jumping in late here.   I was under the impression that his family was exhibiting very bad behaviour, but you're now talking about severe mental illness.   While both can make a person intolerable, the former is a choice and the latter is not.

If this is a mental illness, what is the diagnosis?  Are they seeking psychiatric and psychological help?   If not, could your husband support them to do so?

Sorry, I am going to correct myself here, the diagnosis are under wrap so should not name them, but they are not the malicios kind. Yes, now, undergoing psychiatric help. My husband does all he can to help. He wants to and he should. We are learning along the way signs when it gets too much, how he gets, and as for now found balance in that. You can only help so much and you have to take care of yourself as well. Before when I saw signs it was too much I tried to pull him back he would not hear of it. I saw signs earlier and tried to help the family, it wasn't easy. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.