My daughters boyfriend worries me

[Worriedmom17]

Hi everyone. I need some advice. My 22 year old daughter lives across the country from me and just graduated from college and wants to live with her boyfriend after this summer. Her old roommates (friends) were so awesome. They all told me they hate her boyfriend and he is abusive to her. They saw him push her, and had to have one of their boyfriends remove him from the house. On another occasion he grabbed her and shook her because he left something in her house and it got stolen during a party. She called me once when she was upset and a little drunk and told me his roommates kicked him out of their house, that he threatens suicide, he yelled at her a lot, that her therapist thinks she needs to break up. So she broke up with him, but he came over the next morning and begged her to take him back and she did. Now 4 months later, she wants to live with him. Her old roommates are worried about her safety and well being. What am I supposed to do? She knows I don’t like him. We took her out last week when I was in town with our whole family and she said she wanted another earring and he said “if you get more holes in your ear I may not be attracted to you anymore”. Like what?! What should I do? Or what can I do? Everytime I see him my spidy senses go off.

Edited May 25 by Worriedmom17
Misspelling

[ShyViolet]

Unfortunately since she's an adult and lives far away from you, there really isn't much you can do unless she chooses to make the right decisions herself.

Have you ever had a really serious, tough talk with her about this?  Or do you just stay quiet about it?

What is your relationship with her like, have you been close?  Does she lean on you for advice and generally listen to you?

[Sanch62]

Bribery. I believe in it. It's not just throwing money at the problem, it's the fine art of showing another what's in it for them to give you what you want.

In your case, I'd sweeten the deal with every resource I've got. Ask her to name her price of anything it would take for her to consider just one year, or even 6 months, to explore living in her own apartment, rent free or subsidized by you, in the nearest location that's desirable to her that's also closer to you. This would allow you both to visit while she either finds a job she loves OR pursues a master's degree, paid for by you.

The goal is to get her away from that guy for long enough to break his influence. Consider employing the help of her roomates and everyone in your family who she's closest with to whisk her off to a surprise celebratory vacation, and do an intervention to offer her the above package, sweetened with something else she can suggest that's of value to her, in exchange for ditching the dude--for good--and living in safety far away from him.

I'd also contact a Domestic Violence Prevention hotline for referrals and resources that you can tap to find a plan that will work. I'd view this as my daughter's life depending on it.

Edited May 25 by Sanch62

[Worriedmom17]

We are very very close. But she has been secretive about things with her roommates and me since she got back together with him. Only one of her roommates is staying in the same town she is in and said “I would love to live with her again but I never want to see him ever again for the rest of my life. We all hate him.” I would give her every cent I have to keep her away from him. I’m trying to get her dad and roommates on board for an intervention before she signs a lease in a few weeks.

[Sanch62]

34 minutes ago, Worriedmom17 said:

We are very very close. But she has been secretive about things with her roommates and me since she got back together with him. Only one of her roommates is staying in the same town she is in and said “I would love to live with her again but I never want to see him ever again for the rest of my life. We all hate him.” I would give her every cent I have to keep her away from him. I’m trying to get her dad and roommates on board for an intervention before she signs a lease in a few weeks.

Ask her what she would consider a good bribe to pause on that and consider moving into her own apartment near you, even for a short time, instead.

Find out what she values and wants. Then offer that, but sweeten the deal with something extra.

Edited May 25 by Sanch62

[ShyViolet]

It's still not clear, does she even really know how you feel about the situation and have you tried to talk some sense into her, not holding anything back but seriously explaining to her what a red flag is, and why it's not ok to be with an abusive partner?

I wouldn't wait a few weeks to have an intervention, this needs to happen asap.

She might or might not listen.  All you can do is try.

The bribery idea is not a bad one, it's a good short term solution but I'd still worry that doesn't seem to know what a red flag is, and the fact that she would choose a person like this for a partner suggests that she may continue this pattern in the future.

[Els]

You can't tell her what to do, but you can express your concerns to her. Try to do it in a manner that sounds like you are a friend who is concerned about her, rather than playing the authoritative parent role.

You should also try to figure out if there's anything external that's causing her to feel like she needs to move in with him - finances, difficulty finding a place to rent, etc, and offer your help with that. I wouldn't necessarily even call it "bribery", it's just giving her the opportunity to make a healthier choice.

Edited May 26 by Els

[MsJayne]

Have an honest conversation with her about the fact that everyone who cares about her finds him repulsive and thinks he's a dickhead and a loser. Point out that he has an anti-social personality disorder and that this will significantly impact his life, and that if she's his partner it will negatively impact her life as well. The fact that his roommates united to kick him out of a share house is evidence enough of that. Her therapist isn't allowed to label him because of professional ethics and legalities, so someone else has to say it. Make sure you tell her that she's way too good for him, build up her self esteem, because low self-esteem is usually the reason women get involved with nut-jobs and losers. 

[Gaeta]

My politically correct answer: 

I would ask the friends that witnessed his violence toward her to file a police report. 

This man did not start being abusive and violent with your daughter, he did that toward other women before. I would dig in his past, I would do a criminal background check on him and I am sure you'd have something to show your daughter. Ask your daughter to call a domestic abuse hotline and just chat with them. They will explain to her the cycle of violence. It may get her attention if she hears it from a stranger. 

My politically incorrect answer:

I would ask all the men I can find that cares about my daughter to give this loser a visit. I would ask my boyfriend, my brothers, my other son-in-law, my daughter's male friend to all get together and to visit this little insecure abuser. I would not ask them to hurt him but to scare the hell out of him! These abusers are weak! insecure! That little meeting would make him breakup with your daughter.

See, these abusers always strike on women that don't have men around to defend them. It's a jungle out there, her 'pack' needs to gather around her to defend her and send a clear message to this abuser. It's the ONLY language he will understand. 

[ThorLyonsSalem]

I am so sorry that this is happening. I am not a parent, but I am a teacher and I can't believe it when I see abusive relationships between high schoolers. Not to mention that I see the future abusers when they are in elementary or middle school, but that's a separate story.

What can you do as a parent when your adult child is in an abusive relationship? I wish I could tell you what WILL work, but I agree with some of the posters here : Bribery. That MIGHT make her get away from him even if it's self centered of her to want a material thing / money that you will offer her. You also must realize that when one is in an abusive relationship (be they the woman or the man) that they don't SEE it until they see it.  There is nothing you can or cannot do in order to stop her from being with this guy, all you can do is try from your end. 

[swirlingcloud]

Hate to write this, but the way I see it is that your daughter is self destructive. Despite great efforts from family and friends she is heading straight into the flames. There are no sign that you've raised here that there is a part of her that is working with you guys at this point. She is going to a therapist and is not following the advice to leave the relationship. I don't know what her issues are, but could be she needs help on a different level, like seeing a psychiatrist, to help get through with other measures.

I suspect they have connected through the mental illness, feeling like outsiders, that the cocktail mix here is dangerous, she is brainwashed and her brain is poisoned with this, she is drowning in it as for now. She is still so young. If you could financially get her out please do. Ask if she is not interested in being well enough mentally so she has no need to see a therapist? and the way to get well, one of the things she has to do at this point is not be in a relationship, period. She has to sort out herself first. Get her alone with you long enough, make something up, an emergency in the family, make no warning of it before, fetch her, so he is not alerted about before, and go away with her somewhere reclusive and start working on her, get her more help and see if she can be more open to it, to get the cycle of it. 

[swirlingcloud]

Adding: If you could figure it out so that he is geographically stuck, won't get to her, have her sign up to another collage far away from him, make arrangements when she comes back from your family emergency trip could work too. She needs to go no contact. Call yourself women emergency helpline number and explain the situation. Maybe they know something we don't on how best to proceed.