Can't figure out where we stand. Is she into me is she not? What do you think [merged threads]

[BaileyB]

Dates happen more frequently when you first meet someone and start dating because you are getting to know each other. More intimate things like hanging out and cooking dinner for the other, shopping together, etc… happen over time when you feel more comfortable with each other. I would expect the person that I’m dating to actually “date” me - at least initially. You need to show your interest and get to know the woman - and the way you do that and build a bond with her is by sharing common experiences… So, plan another date! 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Amtguy said:

I think she prefers to date slowly. Told me I shouldn’t expect going out too often even though she would like to every week.

I would expect to see the person I’m dating at least once a week initially - more than that as we start to get closer. 

You have to wonder why she is managing your expectations… does she see you as more of a friend, someone with whom she can shop with and hang out? People who are interested in dating - date. 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, Amtguy said:

Told me after calling our outing a dat, I shouldn’t expect going out too often even though she would like to every week.

I don't view this as a problem. She likes you enough to manage your expectations, which she wouldn't bother to do if she planned on ditching you instead of dating you more.

Quote

...I was going to semester a botanical garden in her parent of the wood as a meeting place and see where it goes. 

I don't understand this sentence at all.

[Els]

14 hours ago, Amtguy said:

She and I had a great first “date” (it took her a few days for her to tell me that she considered it a date), we both had a good time grabbing lunch and shopping. We both bought sunglasses. It also gave use time together, see each other in a different way. We were comfortable enuff to compare how different our hands felt to one another. 
I think she prefers to date slowly. Told me after calling our outing a dat, I shouldn’t expect going out too often even though she would like to every week.

This is really confusing.

So you asked her to do something with you but didn't call it a date? And a few days later she told you that she considered it a date? In what context did she say so? Was it you prompting her, or did she say it out of the blue, or what?

[enterthevoid]

 

Quote

how long would you wait for a “second date”

When would you like to go on a 2nd date with her?  You don't need to play artificial waiting games.  If you want to ask her on a 2nd date soon, ask her soon. 

If you both want to have a 3rd date in the same week, you can do that too.  There are no "rules".  It's whatever you both want.

[ShySoul]

On 7/27/2025 at 7:45 PM, Amtguy said:

Told me after calling our outing a dat, I shouldn’t expect going out too often even though she would like to every week. Even so she seem more ok with me being around her at university, going off campus a few times a week with me, etc (only time she changed her mind is when her sisters flight got pushed up, she was dropping her off).

If she is okay with every week, why not do it every week? Give the lady what she wants.

I wouldn't worry about what you call it. I wouldn't set any plans of how this should go. Just be with her. Worry less about when you should meet, and just meet when you can. Don't think about if it is a date or not, just have fun the times you can be together. If you are enjoying yourselves, that is what matters.

Personally, I don't think I've ever had a "formal" date. We've never had to label it. We just spent time together, had fun, and let our feelings develop and take us where it lead.

Also, realize everyone has their own pace. They also have different definitions of what a date is or how often you should see each other. What matters is that you and her are going at the pace that is right for the two of you and are spending as much time together as you feel you should be.

 

Edited July 30 by ShySoul

[Amtguy]

Late last week, she told me that I had been crossing a boundary. She went out of the way to tell me that I had not hurt the friendship. I immediately said I was sorry and on the next day I apologize to her again saying that I’ve give it some more thought, and I was a bigger jackass then she let on. I then told her I’d see her on Monday. And that I’d be busy working on a new workshop (something I’ve kept her updated on). 
The issue was over me making physical contact. She was me to tone it down. No problem there, but my question is this. 

How do I show her (beyond the obvious) I care about now crossing her boundaries?

would leave class, taking lunch, etc. with each other be pushing it?

 

[Amtguy]

I care lot about her and I want to see where this go between the two of us. three weeks the two of us are going to lunch and enjoyed shopping with each other, something she later told me she had considered a date, but don’t get comfortable going out a lot.

Now idk if she thought that's good or bad. She told me that she tends to date people she gets to know first. 

[basil67]

Is this the same woman from this thread? 

 

 

[basil67]

Ask her what she would be comfortable with

 

[Gebidozo]

If she says you haven’t hurt the friendship, that means it’s friendship and not a romantic relationship. Why have you tried making physical contact, then?

Is this the same girl that you went on a few dates with, during which nothing romantic happened? The one who told you that even meeting once per week was too much?

What was the physical contact that you attempted, exactly? If it was something romantic and basic, like a passionate kiss, then it means she isn’t interested in you romantically. Plus, she calls this a friendship. I’d definitely drop it right there and then.

On the off chance that your physical contact attempt was something overtly sexual or vulgar, like squeezing her breasts or publicly patting her on the butt - then yes, you’ve crossed a line, don’t do that unless you know that the woman definitely wants it.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/4/2025 at 3:03 AM, Amtguy said:

The issue was over me making physical contact.

How did you touch her? 

[Amtguy]

I know I want her, I know I want her to love me back; however I sure she’s not interested in me. Instructors and friends at school think we’re a cupped and are surprised to find out we’re not. I grew up in a judgmental family and therefore I’m afraid to ask her what  we are. I’ve told her before I’m interested in the possibility of a relationship and that I trust her completely. What should I do? Has sticking it out ever worked for you?

On the positive side  she called an afternoon we had together a date, and she had a good time (we have known each other for five months this date took place a month ago,). We go to the gym together from time to time. She often will let me share/buy lunches. She’s introduced me to her closest female friend. I know her sister knows of me by name (in a good way). As mentioned before friends, strangers and structures think we’re a couple although we’re not. She is willing to be around me in privet although she doesn’t have to be. From day one she has sat alongside and continues to study with me.

On the other hand, I’ve heard her say that she’s not looking for relationships. I shouldn’t get too used to having dates, and I need to tone it down around her, and my actions haven hurt the fendship. 

please before you say talk to her, I’ve been conditioned for thirty five years to just stay quiet in case of judgement. We have another year together to get through our program, and develop a career; or focus more at your schooling (I have a 4.0 and have sent the school record). 

she has had a profound change in quality of life including, but not limited to, getting me fit by working out at the gym, taking better pride in my appearance, and doing things on my own.

How should I deal with the ambiguity and fear of rejection? Should I just wait it out and see what happens? It’d be nice if I had a success story.  
 

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Amtguy said:

Has sticking it out ever worked for you?

Not for me and not for anyone else. The longer you stay in the “friendzone”, the less she will see you as a potential romantic candidate.

“Waiting” for a woman who doesn’t have romantic feelings for you is creepy and humiliating. Please don’t do that.

 

2 hours ago, Amtguy said:

How should I deal with the ambiguity and fear of rejection?

There is no ambiguity. She isn’t interested in you romantically. Stop meeting her and find someone who reciprocates your interest. 

[smackie9]

Those are not dates....you are being besties hanging out. 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is no ambiguity.

I was coming to write the same thing. 

I am not sure why you descibe this situation as ambiguous, OP. It is clear she doesn't want to be more than friends.

23 hours ago, Amtguy said:

please before you say talk to her, I’ve been conditioned for thirty five years to just stay quiet in case of judgement.

I wouln't advise this anyway because there is nothing to talk about. You two are just friends. 

23 hours ago, Amtguy said:

Has sticking it out ever worked for you?

No. 

[Foxhall]

Sometimes time apart can be a good thing- the people may realise that after all , they are actually the most suitable partner for each other,

 

I think time apart each going your own direction will be beneficial and maybe you will still end up together,

lol that sounds nonsense does'nt it- but Ive seen a lot now at this point.

 

 

[Amtguy]

We planed on a group activity with our classmates, but she pulled the plug on that the day before; instead she called the next tat to arrange a get together at the gym we go to. We’ve gone there together before but this time was different. I made sure it was later in the day and at that I drove to her so ans not to be a burden.  Afterwards I asked if she wanted to do anything before I left and she agreed to dinner. 

This is where her behavior was different. She told me that I was making  an attempt to look better around her (referring to shirt I bought when we last went out). And when I asked if that was ok she told me yes and that I did look nice. Then at dinner when we where talking she let me briefly mention our relationship (we are not dating but she knows I’m interested in her); a calculated risk because she has call us going out “dats” but she not looking for relationships. By the time we left Igor feet was tuching (something that she normally will not put up with, and the second time this week we have gotten that close to each other).

When I got home I thanked her for buying dinner, and that I had a great time. And she stayed that she can now say she enjoyed going to the gym with me.

now I know we’re friends. I also know she has only dated people she firs coincided friends, so patience will be key if I ever want to have a chance at a relationship

. But what I want to know is why the difference in her sudden demeanor being more open, talking to her friends about me and concern with my well being?

[Gebidozo]

Is this still the same girl who told you she didn’t want a romantic relationship with you and didn’t like it when you attempted to touch her?

Dude, when are you going to let it go? She isn’t interested in you romantically and never will be.

Why are you desperately clinging to some completely insignificant details in an attempt to artificially inflate her level of interest in your mind?

Stop disrespecting yourself and wasting time and emotional effort on this, find a girl who likes you back and date her.

 

 

[Amtguy]

A bit of context:
Around three months ago, we went out to lunch knowing I have a thing for her and she stated she wasn’t looking for a relationship, and later that week she called it a date telling me to not expect a lot of them in the feature. I then spent a few more months not getting anywhere with her. 
last month she started to be more friendly. Her actions involved her resting her feet on my chair, introducing me to her best friend, going places with me even thought the group activity she wanted fell through,  etc. She hates being touched (something she had worried me about doing too much), and yet I notice that at some times our feet would touch and she didn’t flinch. 
last Thursday she accepted my invitation to breakfast and a stroll through a local garden nursery. She stayed that she only wears dresses on serious dates, and that on our “date” she would have warn a dress but she would have left as soon as lunch was done; something she was greatfull she didn’t do (the two of us had spent the afternoon on a walk and shopping). I also went out of my way to tell her that she was beautiful.

flash forward to today:

As we got ready to leave for class I helped her pack away her pencils and water bottle. She told me I should be careful about doing something like that with women. I then folder I only do for her, and asked if I crossed a line.

She stayed no but I didn’t ask and doing that is how men act when the are dating (quietly and not angered or what not). No less then five minutes later, she open the door for her (you know like a gentleman).

I'm 99% she was giving me a warning , but I’m interested to hear how you interpreted the scenario.

[basil67]

You've made many similar threads over the past few months.  Are they all about the same woman?   If so, the answer is not going to change:  She's not interested in you romantically

[Alpacalia]

I think you're grasping at straws decoding her mixed signals after she told you she doesn't want a relationship. She enjoys the occasional...company, the emotional closeness, maybe even the attention—but that doesn’t necessarily mean she wants it to evolve into something more.

[Gebidozo]

Yet another thread by the same OP about the same girl who clearly isn’t interested in him.

OP, this is bordering on unhealthy obsession.

Leave the girl alone and find someone who reciprocates your romantic interest, because she doesn’t.

[Els]

Oh my god leave this poor woman alone. You've made multiple threads about her and have been told the same thing over and over and over (by us AND her) and yet you keep going on and on. Can't you take a hint? (And by "hint" I actually mean "the woman explicitly telling you repeatedly that she's not interested")