Should I end things?

[sharkman105]

I (M20) have been with gf (F19) for 4 months now. We clicked almost immediately after we met and quickly began dating. Within just a couple weeks we began spending practically every night together, and hanging out whenever we could make time outside of school. I have a great time being around her and we have both expressed how happy we are with each other and even talk occasionally of our long term future together. This is my 4th serious relationship, and easily the best of any of them (my second lasted almost 2 years).

While what I just described might seem like a solid relationship I am beginning to have some major issues with her that I have been working incredibly hard to get past.

Issue 1: Her first relationship is bothersome to me. When she was 15, her first boyfriend (17) was actually semi related to her through marriage. His adopted father married into her family through her step aunt, making him somewhat of a step-cousin. They only dated for a month or so, but I find this extremely bothersome as she has to be around him at family events and his step mother actually owns her mom’s new home. In addition, she lost her virginity to him, and described it as him heavily pressuring her to do so, which adds another layer of discomfort on my end. She says they have both moved on, apologized, and are polite to each other now. However, after seeing some of their texts (before we started dating) while she was with her previous boyfriend and he was also in a relationship, he sent her some extremely unsettling texts such as him dreaming about her showering with him, and how attractive he still found her while looking at her at family events. I requested that she block him, and she since then has. She’s explained a lot of the stuff they did together (how she lost her virginity, how he pressured her into giving him head, and some weird kinky s*** he had them do), this makes me incredibly uncomfortable that she has to be around this individual.

Issue 2: constantly talking of ex’s and past sexual experiences. Obviously, it is normal for almost everyone to have a sexual history. What I do not think is normal or respectful is that she constantly brings up her past sexual experiences, even after I have requested that she doesn’t. She has brought up stuff she used to do with old partners during sex, all the ages of her sexual partners (she said these almost like she was bragging), and constantly brings up her ex’s. I don’t think she does it on purpose or to hurt me, she’s a very talkative and open person. But it gets to a point where I feel like she cares more about her past than the present and her future with me, especially after I requested that she not talk about it so much. I know in some relationships it’s normal to be open about that kind of stuff, but I just am not very comfortable with it. The one time I ever brought up a past sexual experience with her, she got emotional and told me not to bring that stuff up, which I think is very hypocritical on her part.

Issue 3: her mother is not a big fan of me. Her mother is generally not a great person and gf has described her as incredibly controlling and toxic. Long story short I do not get along well with her mother, and her mother constantly compares me to gfs ex boyfriends.

Issue 4: Long distance for 3 months. I just moved for a job, creating a long distance situation for the next 3 (currently 1 month in)months. This has put a sizeable strain on our relationship, and has made me begin to question whether it’s all worth it to push through or break things off.

Any advice on what to do? would love to continue things with this girl but this past month, especially with the distance has made things incredibly stressful and difficult.

[sharkman105]

Obviously can’t summarize everything in one post, but just wanted to clarify a few things. Girlfriend is a good, supportive, and respectful person. She does everything she can to work with me and make me feel safe and supported, and at the end of the day I do understand it is on me for having issues with her past.

[Gebidozo]

Issue 1 has apparently been resolved. She blocked the guy, so try to move past the discomfort you’re still feeling.

Issue 3 is not an issue unless your girlfriend thinks it’s an issue. My partner’s mother has still not accepted me after almost 3 years, she wants my partner to be with her ex, and refuses to meet me. My partner continues to be in the relationship with me and her mother’s opinion has no effect on it. It’s all about you and your girlfriend, not her mother.

Issue 4 should not be an issue. 3 months can’t even be classified as a long-distance relationship because it’s such a short time. Why has being apart for only 1 month already put a strain on your relationship?

Issue 2 is really an issue. I’m a big believer in complete transparency when talking about sexual past with a romantic partner. But I’d also feel very uncomfortable if my partner kept giving me that information against my wishes. I think your girlfriend‘s behavior is tacky, tactless, and disrespectful. Especially puzzling is the double standard, that she constantly speaks about her past but prevents you from speaking about yours.

[sharkman105]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Issue 1 has apparently been resolved. She blocked the guy, so try to move past the discomfort you’re still feeling.

Issue 3 is not an issue unless your girlfriend thinks it’s an issue. My partner’s mother has still not accepted me after almost 3 years, she wants my partner to be with her ex, and refuses to meet me. My partner continues to be in the relationship with me and her mother’s opinion has no effect on it. It’s all about you and your girlfriend, not her mother.

Issue 4 should not be an issue. 3 months can’t even be classified as a long-distance relationship because it’s such a short time. Why has being apart for only 1 month already put a strain on your relationship?

Issue 2 is really an issue. I’m a big believer in complete transparency when talking about sexual past with a romantic partner. But I’d also feel very uncomfortable if my partner kept giving me that information against my wishes. I think your girlfriend‘s behavior is tacky, tactless, and disrespectful. Especially puzzling is the double standard, that she constantly speaks about her past but prevents you from speaking about yours.

I still feel like issue 1 is very problematic as she still has to be around him several times a year in a family setting. He has made advances on her while they have both been in relationships at times. I do think I can get past it eventually and maybe I’m overreacting but I find this extremely bothersome even if she agreed to block him and try her best not to speak with him.

Any good approach for solving issue number 2? She seems genuinely empathetic and is quick to apologize after she accidentally slips up and talks about any of her past sexual experiences. But it does still happen nonetheless. Again, I don’t have an issue with her having a sexual history before me (hell I have more bodies than she does), I just would not like to hear about it.

[Gebidozo]

If she’s genuinely apologetic about bringing up her past, then eventually she’ll stop doing that. So I guess you just need to be more patient and trust her good intentions and her promise to not do that again.

I’d be more worried about the long-distance issue. Why is there a strain on your relationship after only 1 month apart? What exactly happened?

[sharkman105]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If she’s genuinely apologetic about bringing up her past, then eventually she’ll stop doing that. So I guess you just need to be more patient and trust her good intentions and her promise to not do that again.

I’d be more worried about the long-distance issue. Why is there a strain on your relationship after only 1 month apart? What exactly happened?

First time on my end doing long distance, definitely made the other issues a lot worse. Been quite a bit of disagreements and arguments about some of the stuff I explained before.
Maybe a strain isn’t the best way to put it, but definitely more stressful and complicated.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, sharkman105 said:

First time on my end doing long distance, definitely made the other issues a lot worse. Been quite a bit of disagreements and arguments about some of the stuff I explained before.
Maybe a strain isn’t the best way to put it, but definitely more stressful and complicated.

Assuming she's stopped oversharing, I can't see what's left to argue over regarding these topics.  Which one of you can't let it go?

[sharkman105]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Assuming she's stopped oversharing, I can't see what's left to argue over regarding these topics.  Which one of you can't let it go?

Her past with her step-cousin is extremely bothersome to me. I don't want to be around that side of her family because I think I would find it extremely awkward and especially after what he supposedly did to her I don’t know how to handle myself with that.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, sharkman105 said:

Her past with her step-cousin is extremely bothersome to me. I don't want to be around that side of her family because I think I would find it extremely awkward and especially after what he supposedly did to her I don’t know how to handle myself with that.

I'm looking for solutions here, so what exactly are you arguing about?   Are you refusing to go to family events and this upsets her?  Or are you being controlling and not wanting her to go to family events?  

If it's the former, then she needs to understand how you feel.  If it's the latter, then you need to end the relationship

[Gebidozo]

I agree with @basil67. You have the right to distance yourself from her family and not participate in their gatherings, and she should respect that. But she has the right to spend time with her family even if this upsets you, and you should respect that.

I’m definitely upset by the way my partner’s family refuses to accept or even acknowledge me, but I would never stand between my partner and her family. She spends time with them whenever she wants to and as much as she wants to. 

[basil67]

Also, I'm working really hard here to not sound like a rape apologist, but I'm wondering if consent is something which was actively taught at their schools.  If they were at conservative schools, it's highly unlikely this would have been drilled into them.  Likewise, if his parents were conservative or weren't open about navigating sex and relationships

Thing is, her experience sums up what it was like when I was young in the 80's.  Too many hormones combined with zero education on how to navigate consent.   Go and see if you can find an unedited version of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Leigh's experience sums up exactly how sex was before sex ed and consent got more thorough

Is her ex's behaviour wrong?  Absolutely it is.  Could he be charged over his behaviour?  Very likely.   But did he know better????   And if he was never taught, is this his fault or the fault of those who didn't educate him?   TBH I actually wonder if this could be used as a legal defense.

 

Edited May 23 by basil67

[sharkman105]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Also, I'm working really hard here to not sound like a rape apologist, but I'm wondering if consent is something which was actively taught at their schools.  If they were at conservative schools, it's highly unlikely this would have been drilled into them.  Likewise, if his parents were conservative or weren't open about navigating sex and relationships

Thing is, her experience sums up what it was like when I was young in the 80's.  Too many hormones combined with zero education on how to navigate consent.   Go and see if you can find an unedited version of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Leigh's experience sums up exactly how sex was before sex ed and consent got more thorough

Is her ex's behaviour wrong?  Absolutely it is.  Could he be charged over his behaviour?  Very likely.   But did he know better????   And if he was never taught, is this his fault or the fault of those who didn't educate him?   TBH I actually wonder if this could be used as a legal defense.

 

Thank you both for your replies. To answer Basil’s question, yes, I guess it is both that I don’t want to be around her family and I don’t want her around them either. I feel like it’s a simple ask that while you’re in a committed relationship with someone to not be around them, but obviously her situation is more complicated than that. It’s not fair for me to ask that of her and it is something I need to get over eventually.

It’s not even the fact that her family doesn’t like me, more so that her ex is always going to be present at those gatherings and it makes me very uneasy.

[Acacia98]

Is there anything in her text messages with her ex to suggest that her boundaries are weak?

[sharkman105]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Is there anything in her text messages with her ex to suggest that her boundaries are weak?

He sent suggestive text messages for several months to her while they both were in relationships (this was couple months before she was with me with her last boyfriend). She never told him off and some of her responses even suggested that she was into what he was saying to her. I questioned her about this and she basically responded by saying she really doesn’t like him so sometimes she likes to “poke the bear” in a sense just to give him a false sense of hope.
After I expressed my discomfort she proceeded to block him on everything.

she also had a post on her instagram with him in it from when she was single last summer, they were at a family gathering and he decided to lay his head on her lap, to which she not only let him do but posted it. But again she was single at the time so there’s not much wrong with that I guess.

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, sharkman105 said:

I guess it is both that I don’t want to be around her family and I don’t want her around them either. I feel like it’s a simple ask that while you’re in a committed relationship with someone

Oh, no. This is controlling, restrictive, and far too unreasonable an expectation.

Dating isn't about barging into someone else's life and dictating who they can no longer see. This is her family. You don't have to love them, but you'll need to respect her involvement with them, or you won't need to worry about breaking up with her. She'll get too tired of all this turmoil and dump you, instead.

[sharkman105]

7 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Oh, no. This is controlling, restrictive, and far too unreasonable an expectation.

Dating isn't about barging into someone else's life and dictating who they can no longer see. This is her family. You don't have to love them, but you'll need to respect her involvement with them, or you won't need to worry about breaking up with her. She'll get too tired of all this turmoil and dump you, instead.

Yeah. I guess that’s the part I understand but I need to learn to get over. I hate that she has to be around her ex everytime she’s together with family- and the guy clearly has no boundaries. so I just don’t know how to approach this without simply asking her not to go

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, sharkman105 said:

Yeah. I guess that’s the part I understand but I need to learn to get over. I hate that she has to be around her ex everytime she’s together with family- and the guy clearly has no boundaries. so I just don’t know how to approach this without simply asking her not to go

This woman has navigated around this guy long before she met you, and she'll continue to do it in her own way. If you don't back off and knock off the control drama, you'll demonstrate that you don't credit her with that ability, and that's offensive.

If you want to keep someone in your life, don't sabotage that by smothering them.

This is your problem, stop making it hers. Find a therapist or at least a decent self-help book to manage this better without dumping it on her.

[smackie9]

She's too immature with her attention seeking....if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. You don't need our help to decide now do you.