New girl I'm seeing has a 3-date rule before allowing a kiss

[seany25]

I have been on 2 dates with this girl (last night and the night before). I'm 40 and she is 28.

We seem to get along good. Within minutes of meeting for the first time, she was taking the pi$$ and joking around with me, and she has good sarcasm, which are plus points in my book. Having said that, she is also a little on the shy side and quite timid. She joked about being generous to me (whilst she was taking the pi$$) and I joked that since she was being generous, how about a kiss? And pulled her towards me a little.

She turned away and said no, that that happens after 3 dates. I teased her a little, but left it there. Later, as we were walking, I asked her about it. I said, "Do you really not kiss on the first date?" and she said no, never. I told her I liked that, that she was obviously respectful of herself and that it was to be admired.

Last night on our second date we were teasing each other and I joked that she could "break the rules" and kiss on the second date, although I was in no way pushing it. She stuck to her guns and affirmed it was only after 3 dates she would kiss someone. I thought she meant ON the third date, but she said no, 3 dates have to be completed first. It's the 4th date she kisses on.

I joked that we should have signed a contract because I was misled, and we laughed it off. I don't have any problem with the fact that she has rules, and I will respect all and any such boundaries she has. If it's 4 dates to a kiss, sex could be 10, or 20 dates. Who knows? Not that that matters right now. Maybe sex will never happen between us and if that becomes the case, that's fine. We have hugged and embraced and held hands and I've kissed her on the cheeks and neck.

The thing for me is, I am not used to this. No girl has ever made me wait for up to 4 dates for a kiss. In fact, almost all the women I've met in the last 5 years had sex with me on the first date. However, I am more than intrigued by this girl. She is clearly protecting herself and outlining her boundaries, and I will stay within those boundaries at all times until she is ready to take any next steps.

Has anyone here ever encountered this kind of thing? Strict dating rules where certain dating milestones can not be crossed until a certain number of dates or time has passed? Maybe that's a normal thing for some people but like I said, this is new to me, but that fact makes me like her more because I'm used to most women I have ever encountered and dated getting down with me from the start, or very early on. Not that there is any judgment from me on that; it takes 2 to tango.

But anyway, this isn't about past women, this is about my current and, dare I say, potential future girlfriend. I'm looking forward to seeing her again for our 3rd date, where jokes will probably be made about this being our penultimate date before the biggest moment of our lives, etc. I should also state that the dates have cost nothing; we have just went for walks in nice surroundings. So it's not a case of someone trying to take advantage of generosity or anything. Not a penny has been spent yet, although that's what I plan to do at the weekend, take her for a "proper" date.

Edited May 22 by seany25

[Sony12]

If both of you want to continue going on dates then go ahead. However I feel that when someone says they won't kiss until the third date that's probably an indication that the physical chemistry is lacking a bit.

I also wouldn't be too quick to start spending a lot of money on her if you haven't yet up to this point because chances are this isn't going to last very long.

Edited May 22 by Sony12

[Sanch62]

8 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

... when someone says they won't kiss until the third date that's probably an indication that the physical chemistry is lacking a bit.

If someone says that but won't accept another date, I'd agree. That's a perfect way to side-step unwanted physical contact with someone she's not attracted to. But a woman who enjoys the date and keeps showing up for the next one, despite not seeking expensive treatment, likely has an internal value system that says, "I want to learn whether my date and I like one another enough to spend non-sexual time together."

You're intrigued because she's a smart woman, and good for both of you. EnjOy!

Edited May 22 by Sanch62

[seany25]

12 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If both of you want to continue going on dates then go ahead. However I feel that when someone says they won't kiss until the third date that's probably an indication that the physical chemistry is lacking a bit.

I also wouldn't be too quick to start spending a lot of money on her if you haven't yet up to this point because chances are this isn't going to last very long.

I appreciate where you're coming from based on what I've shared so far but in addition to the two dates, she eagerly said that she "definitely wants to see me again" that she "would love to".

As for the physical chemistry thing, I probably did try to kiss her a little too early in all honesty, and that was probably based on my previous experiences of girls I've dated being a little more more open in that regard. If she was put off, she wouldn't have met me a second time. Nor would she be texting me right now.

[seany25]

3 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

If someone says that but won't accept another date, I'd agree. That's a perfect way to side-step unwanted physical contact with someone she's not attracted to. But a woman who enjoys the date and keeps showing up for the next one, despite not seeking expensive treatment, likely has an internal value system that says, "I want to learn whether my date and I like one another enough to spend non-sexual time together."

You're intrigued because she's a smart woman, and good for both of you. EnjOy!

Thanku yeah I think you are spot-on here, tbh. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't still be engaging with me and affirming she looks forward to seeing me again. I genuinely do appreciate that she has boundaries that I've never experienced and yes, I'd say you're right that she's smart. She is probably doing several things at the same time here, some of which you outlined.

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, seany25 said:

I appreciate where you're coming from based on what I've shared so far but in addition to the two dates, she eagerly said that she "definitely wants to see me again" that she "would love to".

As for the physical chemistry thing, I probably did try to kiss her a little too early in all honesty, and that was probably based on my previous experiences of girls I've dated being a little more more open in that regard. If she was put off, she wouldn't have met me a second time. Nor would she be texting me right now.

Again if you want to continue seeing her then go ahead. However if you make it past the third or fourth date don't be surprised if she starts coming up with other reasons to not be physical with you.

People usually don't do 180's like that. It's usually something they are comfortable with or not comfortable with.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe she just needs a little longer to feel comfortable with a man. 

I'm a woman myself and don't have such a rule (nor do I know anyone who does), but she's doing what works for her and I don't see an issue at this point. Go out with her a couple more times if you like, and see where it goes. Just don't keep joking about breaking her rule. It might lose it's comedic effect and could start to rub her the wrong way. 

 

 

[seany25]

4 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Again if you want to continue seeing her then go ahead. However if you make it past the third or fourth date don't be surprised if she starts coming up with other reasons to not be physical with you.

People usually don't do 180's like that. It's usually something they are comfortable with or not comfortable with.

Where was the 180? What 180 did she do? Also, what "other" reasons not to be physical with me?

A 180 would be outright not seeing me again, or rejecting my physical contact. Neither of which she has done.

Also, saying she did a 180 implies she had made a certain level of investment that she then retracted. Again, she hasn't done that.

[seany25]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe she just needs a little longer to feel comfortable with a man. 

I'm a woman myself and don't have such a rule (nor do I know anyone who does), but she's doing what works for her and I don't see an issue at this point. Go out with her a couple more times if you like, and see where it goes. Just don't keep joking about breaking her rule. It might lose it's comedic effect and could start to rub her the wrong way. 

This is almost certainly the case.

She also had a long term boyfriend suddenly walk away from her so I can understand her trepidation in venturing back into the dating world.

I think she's doing exactly what she should be doing.

Oh and thanks for the tip about the jokes!

Edited May 22 by seany25

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Where was the 180? What 180 did she do? Also, what "other" reasons not to be physical with me?

A 180 would be outright not seeing me again, or rejecting my physical contact. Neither of which she has done.

Also, saying she did a 180 implies she had made a certain level of investment that she then retracted. Again, she hasn't done that.

She's refusing to even kiss you. So chances will be very slim she will go from that to being willing to do lots of kissing and even going to bed with you.

 

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, seany25 said:

This is almost certainly the case.

She also had a long term boyfriend suddenly walk away from her so I can understand her trepidation in venturing back into the dating world.

I think she's doing exactly what she should be doing.

Oh and thanks for the tip about the jokes!

How long has it been since her and the bf split? If it hasn't been that long there is a good chance she isn't over him yet.

[seany25]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

She's refusing to even kiss you. So chances will be very slim she will go from that to being willing to do lots of kissing and even going to bed with you.

That's not a 180. I had never met her and she says this is a boundary, which is fine.

[seany25]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

How long has it been since her and the bf split? If it hasn't been that long there is a good chance she isn't over him yet.

I don't know.. I've made the mistake of talking about exes before and it didn't go down well. Other girls are more than happy to have those chats. However, I'm not taking the risk.

[Sony12]

Just now, seany25 said:

I don't know.. I've made the mistake of talking about exes before and it didn't go down well. Other girls are more than happy to have those chats. However, I'm not taking the risk.

You should ask her as it is an important topic that likely will have an impact on how far things go between you two. It's very possible that she is trying to date before she is really ready.

If she isn't ready then the timing isn't right for you two at this time.

[seany25]

11 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You should ask her as it is an important topic that likely will have an impact on how far things go between you two. It's very possible that she is trying to date before she is really ready.

If she isn't ready then the timing isn't right for you two at this time.

It is a fair point but I'll read the room next time we're together and see what happens.

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, seany25 said:

It is a fair point but I'll read the room next time we're together and see what happens.

If you have already gone on multiple dates you shouldn't be weary of asking an important question like that that has an impact on how things might turn out between you two. Have the two of you pretty much just been joking around with each other up to this point? Have you had any serious conversations yet?

Your entire opening message was pretty much just how she won't kiss you.

Edited May 22 by Sony12

[seany25]

8 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If you have already gone on multiple dates you shouldn't be weary of asking an important question like that that has an impact on how things might turn out between you two. Have the two of you pretty much just been joking around with each other up to this point? Have you had any serious conversations yet?

Your entire opening message was pretty much just how she won't kiss you.

We've been on 2 short dates. No, it was way too soon for anything too serious. It's been a mixture of light-hearted playfulness and some getting to know you stuff.

I was not and am not complaining about not having kissed her yet. I never asked "what should I do" or anything, because at this point there's not much to do except go on some more dates and see how things go. I have been on a lot of dates and if a girl isn't into you, you'll soon know about it. I've got a feeling things are going just as they should be, even if this is a new type of experience to me, i.e. not having it given up to me from the offset.

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, seany25 said:

We've been on 2 short dates. No, it was way too soon for anything too serious. It's been a mixture of light-hearted playfulness and some getting to know you stuff.

I was not and am not complaining about not having kissed her yet. I never asked "what should I do" or anything, because at this point there's not much to do except go on some more dates and see how things go. I have been on a lot of dates and if a girl isn't into you, you'll soon know about it. I've got a feeling things are going just as they should be, even if this is a new type of experience to me, i.e. not having it given up to me from the offset.

Sounds like you may have had some hookups but fewer legit getting to know each other dates. Asking someone how long ago their past relationship was is pretty standard stuff.

[Gebidozo]

Personally, I’d be immediately turned off by a woman who doesn’t kiss me because she has some rule like that.

To me, romance is about sincerity, spontaneity, and emotions. Having any kind of general rules as to when to kiss or when to have sex, in my opinion, harms the romance, because it nullifies the difference between people and equates every potential partner instead of treating each person and each feeling individually.

I don’t think this has ever happened to me, but if a woman said she wanted to postpone the kiss because of a rule, I’d simply assume that she isn’t into me. That, in itself, would make me lose interest in her.

 

 

[basil67]

I too would be turned off by such a rule.  But at the same time, I think it would be easier if I knew more about how the rule came about.  For example, if she has a history of getting too involved too quickly and end up feeling hurt and used, then I can understand this as a self protective rule. 

[FredEire]

I don't think it's really some rule, I think it's some arbitrary thing she told you, especially when she said it's actually the 4th date.

Point is she's either trying to figure out what you're about and how comfortable she is around you and what you're offering, or she's not that interested but likes going on dates and a bit of attention.

Up to you to figure out what's going on. From what I remember from your previous threads you're a guy who's more into casual. If she's not up for that maybe it's just a mismatch.

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

 For example, if she has a history of getting too involved too quickly and end up feeling hurt and used, then I can understand this as a self protective rule. 

I suspect it's this or something along religious/spiritual lines.

@seany25, please keep us posted on how things progress.

Edited May 23 by Acacia98

[seany25]

19 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Personally, I’d be immediately turned off by a woman who doesn’t kiss me because she has some rule like that.

To me, romance is about sincerity, spontaneity, and emotions. Having any kind of general rules as to when to kiss or when to have sex, in my opinion, harms the romance, because it nullifies the difference between people and equates every potential partner instead of treating each person and each feeling individually.

I don’t think this has ever happened to me, but if a woman said she wanted to postpone the kiss because of a rule, I’d simply assume that she isn’t into me. That, in itself, would make me lose interest in her.

 

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

I too would be turned off by such a rule.  But at the same time, I think it would be easier if I knew more about how the rule came about.  For example, if she has a history of getting too involved too quickly and end up feeling hurt and used, then I can understand this as a self protective rule. 

 

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

I don't think it's really some rule, I think it's some arbitrary thing she told you, especially when she said it's actually the 4th date.

Point is she's either trying to figure out what you're about and how comfortable she is around you and what you're offering, or she's not that interested but likes going on dates and a bit of attention.

Up to you to figure out what's going on. From what I remember from your previous threads you're a guy who's more into casual. If she's not up for that maybe it's just a mismatch.

The predominant version of me would also probably be a bit turned off by that but this actually intrigued me as it's not something I'm used to. Rather than walk away, I was thinking hmm, I want to follow this thread and see what's at the end. Usually women have sex with me on the first date, often within an hour, and once it was even within minutes of meeting. So, I was interested enough to play along with this new girl for a different experience than what I'm used to. You know what? Maybe she even sensed or got a vibe that I was the kind of guy who has had a lot of the aforementioned first-date experiences and decided to withhold on me. Good for her, if that was the case.

I'll likely ask her sometime after we've kissed about why she has the "rule". if she wants to talk about it, fair enough. If not, maybe there is something more to it.

Whilst I am used to, and into casual experiences, deep down I'm always open to meeting a girl with which I want something deeper. This young lady is very attractive, short, petite, has a nice job, family, etc, and it appears she is very respectable and I would probably be surprised if she has had sex with more than a handful of men. I would be a fool not to see how things go.

If she is trying to figure me out and see if I'm in it for a long-term thing or not, good for her. Despite most of my past relationships being casual flings and one-night stand type deals, perhaps this might be where things change.

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I suspect it's this or something along religious/spiritual lines.

@seany25, please keep us posted on how things progress.

I'm not so sure about it being religious but possibly something spiritual.

In addition to my above response. She is continuing to engage with me on text and we're planning to go out on Sunday. That is not the actions of a girl who wants nothing to do with you. I've seen a lot of women in my time, and I know the difference.

She told me she "can't go around just kissing anyone", which is fair enough. I look forward to her granting me the privilege of doing so.

Yes, I will come back to update when there is more

Edited May 23 by seany25

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

Usually women have sex with me on the first date, often within an hour, and once it was even within minutes of meeting. So, I was interested enough to play along with this new girl for a different experience than what I'm used to.

There is a rather huge difference between sleeping with a stranger within an hour of meeting him and having a rule of not kissing until the fourth date.

Have you ever experienced anything less radical? Anything between those two extremes? 

[seany25]

39 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

There is a rather huge difference between sleeping with a stranger within an hour of meeting him and having a rule of not kissing until the fourth date.

Have you ever experienced anything less radical? Anything between those two extremes? 

Nothing between the extremes jogs my memory to be honest, and I think that's because the differential is just so wide. In any case, I have definitely never waited 4 dates for a kiss.

Most of the (almost 50) women I've been intimate with had sex with me on the first date, some of them on the second, and only one or two of them more than that. Although it should also be said that quite a few of those 50 women weren't dates and were simply one night stands.

I think I'm intrigued because so few of my previous liaisons with women have been of a similar trajectory; where I had to wait. The closest comparison was when I was 19 and I fell in love with this girl (18) who also fancied me. She made me wait for probably over a month before we had sex but even then, we did kiss on the first date... she then broke my heart by getting back with her ex.