HookedOnHim Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Ok, met this rough tough macho guy over a year ago... went out a few times, i was taking it slow... he decides to count dates we have til we have sex... on the third date..we had 5 min of sex because his son kept calling him to come home...( he lives with his parents, they were watching him). well we both were drinking got to my house and he goes, third date is a charm.... since then, weve seen each other on and off... really no opportunities to have sex, not many times alone (or am i making an excuse - is he not into me or scared )..... .... (some history - he was about to get married to the mother of his son, and she called it off - that was about 5 years ago)... no sex since then, but we have done a lot together, and he tells others about me, i spend time with him , his son and his family, we were together for the holidays, xmas eve, xmas, new years...well back then i told him i wanted more, wanted a relationship, he said he hadnt been in one in a long time and didnt know how to act.. but a statement at the bar one night went..." i want it but i dont want the bull****"... then introducing me at a wedding he took me to went "this is my girlfriend".... i feel like he wants it but is very gunshy.... im not sure how to get to him....what should i do with him...is there anything i can do to help this along..... oh and one last comment....(he is joker takes everything lightly) we were walking in the mall the other night and we walk by a jewelry place and he says, what would your daughter say if you called her and said you were engaged... so yeah my jaw dropped - was it a joke or was he testing me....but the no sex ..... ugh....
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 could there really be guys out there that want to wait to have sex.... even though this guy is big and tough he does go to church on sundays also.... i feel like he is worth waiting for but after a year.....?
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 are you initiating things or is he? does he take you out or do you hang out with him and pay your own way? if a guy is really into you, my experience is that you know it. there is chemistry and he makes an effort. it sounds as if you two are almost buddies? or he doesn't see you as serious? clue is you say it is off and on. but i have no idea, not enough information. maybe he likes your company and so would feel bad about using for sex unless he thinks of you seriously?? if the guy has a son, well he is not a virgin. after a year? either he is impotent or is getting off some other way. if he is macho i doubt that he just has a low sex drive, but who knows? it is very strange. there is the rare case of a guy having standards and waiting for the right one, but since you got to that point on date 3 it seems to blow that theory out of the water, don't it?
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 are you initiating things or is he? does he take you out or do you hang out with him and pay your own way? i would say its 25/75, i do initiate things.... because he is so busy with his day job, his night job, and his son...when we started seeing each other he would buy me drinks a lot, at parties people used to say he didnt dance but he has danced with me...slow dances..... but still seems far away....strange comments... when we talk and say we want things to work, he says we have to ask the kids how they feel...mine and his.. then we never have the talk....i spoke to him the other night.... he said he doesnt trust anyone, i said yeah this is me..he said he had heard that before.... strange...your telling me..... everyone we both know would like to see us "together" and most wonder what the heck we are doing..... even his parents... why do you think im here ......;-)
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 well you've tried to have the talk and its not happening and nothing looks like its going forward, so it sounds like you have a couple of options- 1-force him to talk to you 2-back off and see what happens 3-continue in the same vein 4-some combination of the above, for instance, stop going out with him and if he asks why, then have the talk. it all depends on what YOU want--you call yourself hooked, so i guess you want to get serious? marry? what do you want with him?
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 ok in our last converstion, a few nights ago... i asked him "what we were doing" he said...i donno we are taking it easy.... i said well i know i told you in the beggining that i wanted more... are we working towards getting closer..and he said yes...i think forcing him would put me in the naggy category-- backing off does work, because a conversation this morning before him leaving on a plane - he said i wanted to call you to tell you i was getting on the plane around 9:30 because i know you werent going to call me.... and i told him well i dont know what you want... dont know if its a bad time, or if i would be a nag if i called you too much, he told me ok we will discuss that when i get back......so i continue not calling i guess... but if he is doing the same thing to me.... we arent going to get anywhere...
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 one other piece of history, last month at the bar, well he had a lot to drink.... after one of my guy friends called on my cell phone, he saw, i didnt answer... at the end of the night, i went to leave , and because of all the confusion in my head with him i went over to say gnite and leave, he shrugged his shoulders and i said what...he said oh your going to meet someone, i said no, why whats up, he shrugged his shoulders again....said what do you want me to tell you.... you want me to tell you i love you... i said you dont love me.....he goes i love you , but i dont want all this bull**** with guys calling you.... and now when we talk on the phone before we hang up there is almost like this silence like one of us should say i love you but we both hang up.... this is all driving me nuts
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 well, kinda sounds to me like you are walking on eggshells a bit, very afraid to seem a nag. maybe i'm not the best one here to be your sounding board because i think he sounds a little wish washy or maybe passive aggressive, and i can't stand that, in a guy especially. and what's with the bit about your phone, aren't you allowed to have a guy friend? i would tend to tell him sh*t or get off the pot...but that's just me. are you looking for advice or do you just want to get it off your chest? either way, i would feel very frustrated if i were in your shoes.
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Yes, I want advice, and mutual friends that know him a very long time say if i get his trust it would last a lifetime.... but it is frustraighting... i understand he was hurt before, and he might have to learn to trust... not sure if me "stepping back" is the answer...or if that is showing him im not interested... ive read some of your other posts about the "space" thing with guys.... here is another past comment that comes to mind.... him and i had a talk months ago and kind of decided that we would be friends and see where it goes.. so i was fine and talked to some guy friends..kept in contact some...and called him less... well he comes over my place... to help me with something and says , so you really want us to work huh.... and i said where did that come from...and he said... well i was thinking about it... and i see you've changed in the past few weeks... youve been less "naggy"... so i bit my tounge and said oh really...... how was i naggy?... he just said i was....(well maybe because i was not paying attention to him cus i was talking to other guy friends).. so we sat and watched tv that night and i said to him, yes this is what i want and he kissed me on the forehead... that was really nice but i feel he is really scared of getting closer to me.. so we kiss once in a while..make out once in a while.... its kind of implied we are together....almost feels like we are married but cut out all of the fun dating and sex.... yes im frustraighted !!!
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 ooh baby this one is so hard. i suppose it boils down to how much you want him in your life. do you really want to live like that the rest of your life? what i mean is, there is an implied controlling thing going on here, where he is withholding all the goodies and you are in the position of guessing at how you should act in order to get them. if you act a certain way, you get a treat, a kiss on the forehead. you are supposed to earn his trust but how has he earned your devotion? that's what i see anyway, i'm sure there is more to this, but that is all i see. never hurts to look around at other options. what about dating other people? or are you so hooked in to this guy you couldn't?
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 the other comment he's made about not wanting the bullsh*t--seems like a guy who doesn't want to explore relationships much. sounds to me like he's not into talking things over, compromising, working things out together, etc. maybe he got burned once but honey i would be wary. some men are so damaged they could never give you the intimacy you need to be happy. it's not your job to fix them. do what ever it is that makes YOU happy. it doesn't sound from your description that he has much capacity for intimacy or affection. He seems to like it when he has lots and lots of space and you don't bother him about it. If you stay together, things may not change a whole lot from the way they are now. Either you're ok with that or be honest with yourself if you need more to be happy.
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 well to me i feel like he has been hurt so badly that he isnt giving women a second chance...and if i see other guys i would loose him.... i almost feel like something is around the corner.... but its a long walk..... i do feel like we have been getting closer... and he says he wants too... the comment this morning about he knowing i wouldnt call..... kind of told me that the slight stepping back is working.... maybe his eyes are opening.. maybe he is waiting til he is finacially on his feet, since right now he is not doing well....my friends are split... half of them tell me move on.... half of them tell me he is worth it... so thats why im here...... and back to my original question, is there guys that are willing to wait to have sex if it means a permanant relationship....could he be old fashioned......and just being careful...that he wont get hurt again....
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Come on guys, help me read this guy !!!
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 still looking for a guys opinion on this...........cygny ....thank you so much
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 update: he called me today around 11am to tease me about being in florida and being by the pool (he has a wedding down there) said he would call me tonight. im still not doing the calling - just to see how much he takes the initiative in whatever kind of relationship we have.... he will be back on thursday... i heard from a mutual friend source last night that a reason why he isnt moving forward with this is because financially he cant be a provider for me right now...how do i let him know i dont want money to have anything to do with this............
cygny Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 hooked--sounds like you are doing fine! I wouldn't do anything to 'let him know', for one thing you can't be sure if what the friend says is a fact or even if your guy actually said it, that it was the real reason--, for another thing, its really better if the guy pursues you a little because he is crazy about you instead of being reassured by you. if he was so worried about money he would be dropping little hints to see if that bothered you, because he wouldn't want to lose you over that. just keep doing what you're doing and all will become clear. he seems to be liking the fact that you are not calling him, that is why he is calling you, and why he said you were less naggy in that other instance. go by his actions. he wants the initiative, that's my take anyway, hope it works out.
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 your pretty good... friends have said that also.....i think that combined with his last tough break up with the mom of his son has given him low self esteem. i buzzed him a little bit ago asked him jokingly..are ya naked..he said no im at the wedding. so i said oh your wearing that suit...even worse..he said...uh huh... i told him not to drive the women crazy he said okay......so now i let it go for tonight...he might buzz me back after the wedding he might not..... but im ok with that....and you are very good at this cngny
Author HookedOnHim Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 well i wanted to give an update for whoever can shed more light on my situation... this morning i did something crazy that i dont regret just wonder what he is thinking now....well i think i shocked him... i called him this morning he said hey whats up.. i said well i just wanted to say good morning and i love you,........he said ............what... and i said i just called to say good morning and i love you...he said you do huh?...i said yeah...but i just called to tell you but i have to get ready for work...he said what makes you say that...i said well i cant explain that right now....he said oh okay....and i said well i have to get ready for work, we talked about the day a bit then he said ok ill call you later...i said ok...that was it...well i was trembling....now...he didnt say it back.... but was it because he was shocked or was he not feeling it.... i think if he didnt appreciate it, he would have had a more negative response like , oh dont get like that or something....i dont know....ADVICE ????
jerbear Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 In my opinon, I do agree that cngny's advice. From my perspective, I would be floored if a woman said she loved me. It is alot of responsibility. I am sure he went thru this in the past and it did hurt him. If he was just quiet, it usually means he just put up a barrier to prevent further hurt. It requires the guy to get over the hump and just let it go. I think he is confused even for being a manly man. Saying the "L" word is not easy for a guy. It requires same thing you did with the wedding conversations. Follow his actions and hate to say this react and make a decision.
Lishy Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Hooked - You agree that he is enjoying the fact that you are not ringing and that he has to chase you ..... Then you call him a few times at a wedding and then in the morning to say you love him? After a year I think his feelings would be obvious and you wouldnt have to second guess what he is thinking/feeling! My advice is not so sweet I am afraid - Let him go! Let him see how life is without you in it - No Contact in any way. shape or form! I know you wont be able to do this but it would let you know how he really feels! Good luck hon x
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