Super89Rex Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Lets see where to start, I have just got the shaft for the very last time. If most of you have read my previous thread about being Mr. Nice guy well, I've had it. In 2005 I've had multiple disappointments all stemming from my horribly miserable breakup with my ex-girlfriend of two years who decided to cheat on me with a pothead loser who I thought was my friend. Since that, I have met a few women; and guess what I have heard from all of them! "You are a great guy, but.. sorry to say I just don't think of you that way, or we don't click!" and stupid me, everytime I meet someone I get my hopes up, and I end up falling right on my ass from cloud 9. This is me taking a stand, my last situation (last month) was where I met this amazing woman two hours away from me (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79140/) And in the end I was hurt, and I am still recovering from it; but now I am beginning to get a little angry. I try and I try to make these women happy, to be their knight in shining armour and guess what happens? I get crapped on for my efforts to be a good person. I am by no means undeserving of good women; I have a university degree, I am working in my field full time and I am in the process of starting my own software company. I have been told my multiple women that I am cute, good looking; I workout regularely and have a decent build. But whats missing? I don't think anything is missing except the fact that I have been acting like a wuss with women and its holding me back. Everytime I meet a woman who can be my potential girlfriend, I end up doing something (something very mysterious) which drives them away.. I treat them good, I call them, I text message them, I show them I care and I share my feelings. Whats the result of all of this? it seems to work at first until they realize they have no attraction toward me, but see me as a friend and also realize that I am such a great guy with everything they want; but for some wacked up reason; dont look at me that way... So, you may be wondering where I am getting at... Well for starters I am sick and tired of catoring to their needs only to get the shaft everytime. I dont think I am ever going to open myself up fully to another woman ever again after what I have gone through; they are no longer the prize to be won, I am; I know that sounds cocky but I think thats how you have to see things with all these ridiculous mind games women play. And it isnt like I am expecting much, I simply want someone who won't play with my emotions because I don't play any games.. I for one refuse to get hurt again by these games. And what is it with women wanting to be friends after they decided your not good enough to be more than that, I personally find it an insult and have heard it enough times that it makes me sick to my stomach... Sorry for the rant, now you all may contribute to this *highly controversial* topic. 1
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 not sure if you just want to blow off steam or want advice, but here goes-- i hate to admit it but part of the players' creed is correct: if a guy is too nice, he gets crapped on by women. now that is hard for me to say because i am a woman and i genuinely like good men. BUT he has to also be strong and fun in the beginning and capture my interest. how about you taking a look at some of those players' websites and see how to develop a flirtatious and fun demeanor for the initial stage of a relationship. and keep her guessing a little, don't be so eager to please. the important thing to remember is not to take it too far and become a jerk who uses women (that is what most of the players have done). they are so bitter from getting dumped that now they are getting their revenge. but the fact is women really do want a good man. you just have to let her stronger, deeper feelings for you develop for a few months before opening up all the way. what is up with the friends thing? well it could be just a way to get you to stop pursuing. but you shouldn't see it as a putdown. i never tell a guy i want to be just friends unless i genuinely like him. if i don't like him i just brush him off completely. chances are the women really do like you, they just don't feel 'attraction' for you. that is not a putdown.
Author Super89Rex Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 and Cygny, the real question is; how to get back that attraction? is it even possible once its come and gone?
SmoochieFace Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Lets see where to start, I have just got the shaft for the very last time. If most of you have read my previous thread about being Mr. Nice guy well, I've had it. In 2005 I've had multiple disappointments all stemming from my horribly miserable breakup with my ex-girlfriend of two years who decided to cheat on me with a pothead loser who I thought was my friend. Since that, I have met a few women; and guess what I have heard from all of them! "You are a great guy, but.. sorry to say I just don't think of you that way, or we don't click!" and stupid me, everytime I meet someone I get my hopes up, and I end up falling right on my ass from cloud 9. This is me taking a stand, my last situation (last month) was where I met this amazing woman two hours away from me (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79140/) And in the end I was hurt, and I am still recovering from it; but now I am beginning to get a little angry. I try and I try to make these women happy, to be their knight in shining armour and guess what happens? I get crapped on for my efforts to be a good person. I am by no means undeserving of good women; I have a university degree, I am working in my field full time and I am in the process of starting my own software company. I have been told my multiple women that I am cute, good looking; I workout regularely and have a decent build. But whats missing? I don't think anything is missing except the fact that I have been acting like a wuss with women and its holding me back. Everytime I meet a woman who can be my potential girlfriend, I end up doing something (something very mysterious) which drives them away.. I treat them good, I call them, I text message them, I show them I care and I share my feelings. Whats the result of all of this? it seems to work at first until they realize they have no attraction toward me, but see me as a friend and also realize that I am such a great guy with everything they want; but for some wacked up reason; dont look at me that way... So, you may be wondering where I am getting at... Well for starters I am sick and tired of catoring to their needs only to get the shaft everytime. I dont think I am ever going to open myself up fully to another woman ever again after what I have gone through; they are no longer the prize to be won, I am; I know that sounds cocky but I think thats how you have to see things with all these ridiculous mind games women play. And it isnt like I am expecting much, I simply want someone who won't play with my emotions because I don't play any games.. I for one refuse to get hurt again by these games. And what is it with women wanting to be friends after they decided your not good enough to be more than that, I personally find it an insult and have heard it enough times that it makes me sick to my stomach... Sorry for the rant, now you all may contribute to this *highly controversial* topic. Well, Alpha will be quite pleased to read this. Just curious... what *type* of women are you pursuing?
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Well said, Cygny. We DO want a good man... a good man that enraptures us in the beginning. Dude, sounds like you may have a blandness problem. You need to add some pizzazz to your personality. Some spice/mystery/fun/whatever. That's all that separates the nice guys from the attractive guys. It's remotely possible to get back the attraction, but not very probable. First impressions count for a whole lot.
SmoochieFace Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Well said, Cygny. We DO want a good man... a good man that enraptures us in the beginning. Dude, sounds like you may have a blandness problem. You need to add some pizzazz to your personality. Some spice/mystery/fun/whatever. That's all that separates the nice guys from the attractive guys. True, but he doesn't need to turn into Super a**h*** either. No need for the *pendulum effect* here... he should shoot for a healthy balance. And, once again, I really wish people would quit using the word *nice* to describe these *challenged* men. It has nothing to do with being *nice* - it has to do with not having much confidence and being a doormat.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 True, but he doesn't need to turn into Super a**h*** either. No need for the *pendulum effect* here... he should shoot for a healthy balance. Who said anything about Super a**h***? Spice and interest don't have to consist of negative behavior at all. 1
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 and Cygny, the real question is; how to get back that attraction? is it even possible once its come and gone? yes it is possible but the paradox is that you have to 'not care' in order to get it back. You have to project a certain nonchalance, and attitude of fun. So its not about sticking your nose in the air but if you run into her, teasing her a bit, acting confident and that she is no big deal, but you can still flirt with her. find the middle ground between Mr Bland/too eager to please and Mr Azzhole. be playful
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 True, but he doesn't need to turn into Super a**h*** either. No need for the *pendulum effect* here... he should shoot for a healthy balance. And, once again, I really wish people would quit using the word *nice* to describe these *challenged* men. It has nothing to do with being *nice* - it has to do with not having much confidence and being a doormat. ok i just meant nice = too eager to please. when i say nice can be uninteresting, that applies to women too. the girl that is too nice and too accomodating is not the hot girl guys want to date. so if i slip up and say 'nice' just read 'too eager to please', 'kay?
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Well, Alpha will be quite pleased to read this. Just curious... what *type* of women are you pursuing? maybe he will but bottom line is i think players are just creeps. i have met so many (because i live in an area that attracts them) and I dump them the minute i catch on. but i'm objective enough to realize that there is a germ of truth in what they say. thing is they take it too far. they get their own reward because the only girls that put up with their extreme games are the naive ones and the ones with low self-esteem. i can tell when a guy is just going through the motions of the game in order to bag me for his ego trip and it disgusts me.
SmoochieFace Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Who said anything about Super a**h***? Spice and interest don't have to consist of negative behavior at all. Some guys will swing completely *to the right* after being way too far on the left. Know what I'm saying? He doesn't have to be a complete jerk - unlike what certain guys here and all those *playuh* sites say.
SmoochieFace Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 maybe he will but bottom line is i think players are just creeps. i have met so many (because i live in an area that attracts them) and I dump them the minute i catch on. but i'm objective enough to realize that there is a germ of truth in what they say. thing is they take it too far. they get their own reward because the only girls that put up with their extreme games are the naive ones and the ones with low self-esteem. i can tell when a guy is just going through the motions of the game in order to bag me for his ego trip and it disgusts me. My point is that the OP deosn't have to turn into a *playuh*, nevertheless, some guys here WILL tell him to do so. That is wrong to me.
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 My point is that the OP deosn't have to turn into a *playuh*, nevertheless, some guys here WILL tell him to do so. That is wrong to me. yeah i totally agree, and i thought i had made that clear. if not, i will do so again. DON'T become a player jerk! just learn to flirt and don't open up so fast.
witabix Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 You are obviously doing something right. So don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Keep the the things that are attracting women. You may have just been unlucky as well. Women can also be unsure as to what they want in a man. Don't put all women into the same category. Some people are cool, some are not, some are kind, some are selfish, its all part of the great tapestry of life. Keep going, don't give up on yourself, Ms Right is out there somewhere.
Kenzie Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Maybe not the guitarist part... But I think you should keep doing what you're doing, what's natural to you and there will be someone out there who appreciates you. Hang on!
witabix Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Thank you Kenzie, first post and you are already agreeing with me! Oh dear! Whats up with blues musicians? I have found women quite 'into it', the MUSIC I mean. I know the singers get more attention, but us guitarist/singers get a bit of cool attention too sometimes!
Kenzie Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 oh for sure, there is nothing wrong with musicians. I just don't think he should try it for the sake of picking up women!! But no insult meant!!
Author Super89Rex Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 yes it is possible but the paradox is that you have to 'not care' in order to get it back. You have to project a certain nonchalance, and attitude of fun. So its not about sticking your nose in the air but if you run into her, teasing her a bit, acting confident and that she is no big deal, but you can still flirt with her. find the middle ground between Mr Bland/too eager to please and Mr Azzhole. be playful So, did I basically blow it with this chick? is what I am getting at, like I said she lives two hours away and the chances of me running into her on the street are slim. Would it be odd to call her sometime and try the whole flirtatious thing again or will that just be dragging it on for no reason? HELP! lol
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 in your case you can email her and tell her something like that after thinking about it, that you think she's right. she probably needs to focus on school right now and you probably need to have fun with other girls. Wish her the best with her schoolwork. Don't suggest staying in contact in any way. then leave her alone. if you could work in a little flirty humour that would be good too. the thing here is to subtly highlight what a dullard she is for focusing on schoolwork while you are going to go out and have a blast with other chicks. but do it in such a way that it is not obvious and doesn't seem to come from a place of weakness. oh, and do go out and have a blast with other chicks. don't respond right away if she contacts you and don't do it so eagerly that will just put you right back in the friends category. she may not contact you for several weeks or months.
LN8840K Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 4 easy steps ( 1 ) STOP kissing ass and trying to be a knight in shining armour ( 2 ) Put your needs first and eliminate any woman who can't meet them ( 3 ) Date multiple women untill you find one worthy of being with you ( 4 ) Stop thinking that what works in movies and romance novels will work in real life
kitkat826 Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 everytime I meet someone I get my hopes up, and I end up falling right on my ass from cloud 9. I think that the above statement is probably more valid than the notion that these women are purposefully "crapping" all over you because you are a nice guy. Sometimes you just don't like someone, or you start off liking them but it fades quickly. It happens. That doesn't mean that you have to go and be a bitter tough-ass...all you are going to do is attract the type of women that will just confirm your expectations for failure. I do agreee, however, that you are right to want to learn from your experiences and try to do some things differently to not repeat the same mistakes. I think you should focus on having some confidence and faith in yourself...two attributes which were probably badly damaged after breakup with the serious girlfriend you mentioned. You probably are still suffering from some of the side effects of this which have lead you to jump too quickly into expectations that aren't realistic. 1
Neptune Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Super89Rex, The biggest mistake a lot of guys make is they lose sight of themselves when finding an attractive woman interested in them. It works for a short time but her interest will quickly fade if you are not your own man. You always have to be yourself. It is better to have interests that a woman has to compete against for your attention. So many guys will sacrifice themselves and think they are noble and winning the admiration of women. But women most admire a man who pursues what interests him.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 in your case you can email her and tell her something like that after thinking about it, that you think she's right. she probably needs to focus on school right now and you probably need to have fun with other girls. Wish her the best with her schoolwork. Don't suggest staying in contact in any way. then leave her alone. if you could work in a little flirty humour that would be good too. the thing here is to subtly highlight what a dullard she is for focusing on schoolwork while you are going to go out and have a blast with other chicks. but do it in such a way that it is not obvious and doesn't seem to come from a place of weakness. oh, and do go out and have a blast with other chicks. don't respond right away if she contacts you and don't do it so eagerly that will just put you right back in the friends category. she may not contact you for several weeks or months. I don't think that would work. The very act of emailing her analyzing the situation shows that he doesn't really "not care". It would sound like sour grapes. "Oh yeah? You don't want me? That's fine by me, because I don't want you either!"
Blackard Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 And in the end I was hurt, and I am still recovering from it; but now I am beginning to get a little angry. I try and I try to make these women happy, to be their knight in shining armour and guess what happens? I get crapped on for my efforts to be a good person. So, you may be wondering where I am getting at... Well for starters I am sick and tired of catoring to their needs only to get the shaft everytime. I dont think I am ever going to open myself up fully to another woman ever again after what I have gone through; they are no longer the prize to be won, I am; Yesss, I can feel your anger growing....embrace your hate, come to the dark side young Jedi... lol Kidding aside, you have taken your first steps toward a much greater, more rewarding dating life...and life in general. Nice guys are there so women have someone to vent about their boyfriends to...right before they go home and screw his brains out. ...and don't apologize for the rant. Tell them to "kiss your ass" if they don't like it ;p
Recommended Posts