Lael Posted May 17 Posted May 17 I've been widowed almost 5 years; my kids are moved out and now have families of their own. I felt ready to start dating and meeting people. I signed up on a reputable dating site which is a bit of a dumpster fire to be honest. However, just over a month ago I did come across a profile that looked worthy of a response. He's widowed as well, with 2 university age kids still at home. So he responded back in a respectful way and we continued the connection by texting through the app. I did notice he was sharing a lot of past stories, which was fun as I got to know him a bit. Then after 3 weeks I suggested we chat on the phone. So he gave me his number, I blocked mine and called him on the day we arranged. I call and he started the conversation, so much so that he did a lot of talking right out of the gate. It was about details of things that meant nothing to me. When we were texting I mentioned I had a cat, and he mentioned he had one when his daughter was young but she became allergic so they had to surrender it. One of the first things he talked about was the cat he had and he went into great detail as to how him and his late wife initially got the cat. I really didn't care, but also it wasn't that remarkable of a story. I thought he was just nervous. Moving forward. We've had several more phone conversations, but he talks a lot about what is happening in his life, and not much about himself, or what he's wanting in a relationship. And he hasn't asked me many questions. Reflecting back I realized I was providing him info about me, but he wasn't actively asking me questions or commenting on what I had shared a whole lot. He does have a lot going on in his life, his dad was in hospital when we first connected on the dating app, and just returned home, his sister is going through a divorce, his son is moving out of the family home, and his daughter is still at home as she's only able to work part-time due to severe migraines. These topics, and his work-related things are what he shares and seem to be the main topic of conversation. We do have some common ground and have chatted about them, such as writing, music and our love for nature walks, but I feel I haven't got to know 'him', and it feels odd he doesn't ask me more specific questions to get to know me. We met in person for the first time yesterday. The conversation was very similar to the phone chats we had. At one point he did say, "I feel like I've been doing all the talking. I do that when I am nervous." I said, "Well, ask me something and I'll do some talking." He didn't even really know what to ask, and kind of hesitated. He then said, "You mentioned you're Scandinavian, what part are you from?" When I shared, he pulled out his phone and looked it up, saying he wanted to see where it was on the map because he likes looking at maps as it's part of his job as a geologist. But it totally distracted the conversation. Since meeting I don't feel strongly attracted to him physically, but I do feel we could be friends, as I do find him interesting in some respects. So my question is - does it seem like he's this way because of his personality, or is he still nervous even after several conversations, or it he just highly distracted by all the things going on in his life with family? I literally didn't sleep late night because my mind couldn't stop processing in an attempt to sort this out. Any thoughts or feedback is greatly welcomed. Thx
ShyViolet Posted May 17 Posted May 17 There are a lot of people like this..... they talk too much, are very self-centered and don't ask questions about the other person or even let the other person do much of the talking. I wouldn't attribute it to nervousness, and nervousness is no excuse. People like this are exhausting. You are already feeling bothered by it. If a person makes you feel more exhausted than happy when you're around them, that's a sign that this person isn't for you. 1
Author Lael Posted May 17 Author Posted May 17 4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: There are a lot of people like this..... they talk too much, are very self-centered and don't ask questions about the other person or even let the other person do much of the talking. I wouldn't attribute it to nervousness, and nervousness is no excuse. People like this are exhausting. You are already feeling bothered by it. If a person makes you feel more exhausted than happy when you're around them, that's a sign that this person isn't for you. You are right ShyViolet, I was depleted after the coffee date. Thi thing is he didn't seem so much self centered in a way that he was only talking about himslef. It was that he was talking about his family stuff, which I suppose is still about him, so... Next question - How do I tell him without coming across as insensitive?
ShyViolet Posted May 17 Posted May 17 22 minutes ago, Lael said: Next question - How do I tell him without coming across as insensitive? This is a guy who you've met in person once. You don't owe him anything. Just give him a short and sweet excuse, say "I've realized I'm not ready to date." or "I've realized that we are not a match" and that's it. Don't go into a long explanation or some drawn out back and forth conversation if he keeps asking WHY WHY WHY. Have boundaries. 1
Author Lael Posted May 17 Author Posted May 17 You're right. I appreciate your response. Many thx ShyViolet 1
Sanch62 Posted May 18 Posted May 18 (edited) Unfortunately, you've discovered that this man is a bore. After one date you're under no obligation to make this into some official breakup complete with reasons. If he contacts you again, you can say that it was nice to meet him. You don't view the two of you as having enough in common, but you wish him the best. Done, and next... As a go-forward, I would spend less time chatting via message or phone before suggesting a quick meet over coffee. When your goal is to find a good match, consider less preamble and more action as an efficient aid to your screening process. It avoids the kind of investment that can keep you sleepless at night. Edited May 18 by Sanch62 2
Author Lael Posted May 18 Author Posted May 18 9 hours ago, Sanch62 said: As a go-forward, I would spend less time chatting via message or phone before suggesting a quick meet over coffee. When your goal is to find a good match, consider less preamble and more action as an efficient aid to your screening process. It avoids the kind of investment that can keep you sleepless at night. Such a brilliant suggestion. Makes so much sense. Next time I won't invest so much initial energy/time into chatting before meeting in person. Thx 1
smackie9 Posted May 18 Posted May 18 Ya I go by the policy...first impressions count. As you noticed right off the bat, the conversation felt one sided and boring. That right there is a "what you see is what you get". Time is precious, and you ain't got the time to give anyone the benefit of a doubt. And yes, the older you get the harder it will be to find someone. It's unfortunate but you will discover most men don't change or grow/evolve while women continue to blossom as we age and are more open to change/try new things, be more independent/free. 1
stillafool Posted May 18 Posted May 18 On 5/17/2025 at 11:23 AM, Lael said: Since meeting I don't feel strongly attracted to him physically, but I do feel we could be friends, as I do find him interesting in some respects. So my question is - does it seem like he's this way because of his personality, or is he still nervous even after several conversations, or it he just highly distracted by all the things going on in his life with family? I literally didn't sleep late night because my mind couldn't stop processing in an attempt to sort this out. Any thoughts or feedback is greatly welcomed. Thx Since you aren't physically attracted to him nor do you enjoy the conversation, that's pretty much all you need to know to not waste your time or his. However, instead of waiting for him to ask you about yourself why not just tell him about yourself in conversation? 1
Author Lael Posted May 18 Author Posted May 18 43 minutes ago, stillafool said: However, instead of waiting for him to ask you about yourself why not just tell him about yourself in conversation? I did share about myself in conversation, and if it wasn't for me offering things he probably won't know as much. I wasn't just sitting there waiting for him to ask, but I was wanting a more reciprocal, back and forth exchange. Anywho, I know know what to do moving forward.
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