What excuses work to avoid driving without offending boyfriend?

[FoolishDriver]

What are some excuses to make to someone you are in a long distance relationship with if you are tired of making the drive to see them? I used the excuse I was too tired to drive once, then I said I had an early morning meeting so I would be late if I made the drive.

 

He never makes the drive, I always do. For a long time it didn't bother me, then I started to resent the drive. He gets upset whenever I can't see him, or "punishes" me by being distant or not calling or emailing me the following week.

 

I recently started the excuse-route to relieve myself of the drive. Should I keep making excuses like "my car broke" until I get him to offer to drive? Does it mean I love him less since now the drive bothers me whereas before I couldn't wait to make it just so I could see him? Please no "break up with him" responses. I need a helpful solution without leaving him. Any ideas? My car is sa gas guzzler on top of it.

[littlekitty]

It simply one of the many pitfuls of the LDR. The drive slowly starts to grind on you and the desire to put yourself through the long drive only to arrive grumpy and tired the other end deminishes. It's not that you don't want to see or be with that person, simply that the travel is taking it's toll.

 

It's definately not fair if he's not taking on 50% of the travel. It really ought to be an even split... because when it's not, you do start to resent it. Just like you are.

 

I vote that you discuss this rationally with your SO. Sit down and explain to him that although you love him, you feel like you are doing all the travelling, that the travel is tiring and that you expect him to be making the effort to come to you too.

[dgiirl]

I agree with LittleKitty. Talk with him and explain your concerns. A good relationship needs to be based on honest communication, and if you cannot talk to him about your concerns, then maybe you should get out of the relationship. Excuses only work to a certain extent. He'll come up with solutions to those excuses which still might not solve the original problem, which is, you are feeling resentful that you are putting in all the effort for you two to see each other and he isnt. If you two are going to survive a LDR, you're going to need to be as honest and truthful as possible.

[Woggle]

You should alternate. Every other time he makes the drive.

[FoolishDriver]

Thanks for the responses. Sometimes the truth is in fact the best policy. I wasn't considering that but it seems like the best option so he knows exactly how I feel and won't take it personally if I make an "excuse" not to see him.

 

The problem with splitting the drive 50-50 is that he lives in a racially diverse major city and is black. I am white and live in the outskirts in a mostly white area. He has never been where I am and says he would feel uncomfortable to be in a predominately white area.

 

I once asked him to try, that there are blacks here too, but he got sensitive and claimed I didn't understand him and was hurt I would "make" him drive here, when he's gone through so much, etc.

 

Is he being reasonable? I mean, he could drive here, park directly into my garage, gain direct access into my unit through the garage (door opens to kitchen) and never come face to face with another human being, (seriously, not that they would do or say anything to him!!!). He brings up racial beatings and cases that have occured in remote areas such as Texas and other small towns in different states.

 

My area is in Southern California, with highly educated people and nothing in the news of racial problems though I am not saying there are not a lot of racists here, just like in many other areas. But am I not worth it for him to take the risk? Or should I be the continuous driver and understand where he's coming from?

 

Thanks again for the feedback. I will stop making excuses. I reallly had the "car broke down" lined up for this weekend.

[ManicHayze]

:confused:

 

...So he won't drive to see you because he is afraid of driving into "the outskirts in a mostly white area".

 

 

 

I really don't see the logic in it. It really sounds like a pitiful excuse. Let me pose a question to you....

 

Are you going to hide him from all your neighbors and everyone because he is black? Is this really about race? Because honestly, it sounds like you are ready to jump onboard with hiding him from your community...

 

I am just.. kind of dumbfounded at what you just said...

 

 

Make him drive. If he gets mad and says he is hurt, then, he'll have to get over it. If he really loves you, he won't let either of your ethnicity play a part in why he won't come see you. But if he simply won't come see you because he is uncomfortable around white people....what does he plan to do when he meets all of your family?

[FoolishDriver]

Are you going to hide him from all your neighbors and everyone because he is black? Is this really about race? Because honestly, it sounds like you are ready to jump onboard with hiding him from your community...

ManicHayze, I think you misunderstood me. He claims he won't drive to see me because he is black, and what I was saying is that that hardly makes sense because if he is that paranoid, it's not like he's going to have contact with other people. He would be coming to see me. And if he felt that uncomfortable I would park my car in the visitor's parking and he could park his in my garage and enter directly into my home, thus avoiding any contact with people. That is so extreme, but that is an option if he is in fact worried, that he drives on the freeway, parks and enters my house without providing any opportunity for racist confrontations (this is extreme but I have no idea if he REALLY feels his fears are real and valid), so what in the world is he complaining about?

 

I have been waiting for someone to respond to my thread. This is a big problem and I am sick of being the only one driving. I don't want to lie, so I have literally turned off my phone to avoid making plans with him until I decide on what to do about this situation and if he is honest about his fears coming to where I am, or is he that spoiled that he expects me to drive to him ALL the time. I slowly began to resen the drive, and slowly started to resent him along with it, but if he is really that worried about being in a "white" neighborhood, then I seem unsensitive to force him to. Two families on my street are black, there are asians and hispanics too. Every time I've tried to say my area isn't as white as he thinks, he gets upset like I am not taking him seriously. And you are right, how will he ever meet my friends and family? So part of my problem is also trying to figure out if he is trying to avoid meeting them? Is it an excuse or are his fears real.

 

He is handsome, has lots of friends, is outgoing, so I'm really trying hard to figure out if this is an excuse he's using to avoid driving, or if he is in fact that scared to be in my town, which is very popular, just not in the major city where he is which is much more diverse and populated with much more minorities. This is Southern CA, not some remote hicksville. I am really trying hard to understand. None of the blacks I know here have any of that fear, so why doesn't he come over to check it out if he loves me? I thought I loved him unconditionally, but my feelings are beginning to dwindle. Please somebody what should I do or say?

[magda]

His excuses are just that - excuses. He should reciprocate. It's not fair that you should do all the driving, even if you do live in a more boring place. He should figure something out out of consideration for you. I think you should let him know how you feel and take a stand on this. He's being selfish and inconsiderate and it's no wonder you are beginning to think twice. I would, too, because after awhile a person gets sick of feeling used.

[FoolishDriver]

Thank you littlekitty, dgirl, woggle and magda (and ManicHayze). I needed the support and advice to do the write thing. I am beginning to feel used and have grown more resentful than I have expressed.

 

Instead of focusing on HIS excuse and trying to question his excuse for not making the drive, I will simply state why << I >> no longer am willing to make the drive. He might find my area boring, but I find my drive tiresome and no longer something I can fit into my schedule.

 

Whenever I have recently made an excuse, he never offered to drive, instead he 'hid" like a rat to avoid me asking him to. So even though we have great times together with strong feelings, actions speak louder than words. If he doesn't want to contribute to the driving,

 

I will stop being so foolish and try to meet a more considerate person, as hard as that is. Why do I always end up in relationships that are LDR? And in all of them I have been the fool to do all the driving. If I arrive tired and fatigued from the drive, he can't relate, he thinks I'm grumpy so why did I come. He'll say "what's wrong". I'll say nothing, I'm tired. He thinks I'm playing games and am upset about something, when I'm TIRED OF DRIVING, not that he would know.

 

I'm so angry just thinking about it, all over again. No more. I'd rather be home alone than make the drive for now on. Thank you for your imput everybody. I was beginning to rationalize it by questioning if he reallly does find it uncomfortable to be in my area, but the more I think about it, it's just BS and I don't want to be a fool for buying it any more. I feel better getting this all out now.

[whyohwhy]

It seems that you have come to a good understanding of the situation, and what to do.

 

Just one additional thought...his feelings of discomfort in a white area may be "irrational", but we have no reason to doubt that they are his true feelings, so they should be taken into account. However, they should NOT be given greater weight than your fatigue with the long drives, AND your unspoken feeling that if he really cared, he would make more of an effort to deal with his fears and help you avoid doing 100% of the tiring drives. It's possible that he's just lazy, and happy for YOU to sepnd the time coming to see him.

 

BTW - my boyfriend has on occasion taken a 4 hour bus ride, including 3 transfers and long waits, just to see me for a few hours.

[FoolishDriver]

He doesn't want to (bother to) see me anymore since I do not want to drive. What a peice of sh**. I swear girls out there, beware of your men, he litereally had said "I love you" to me.

[QsGirl]

Look, it is somewhat understandable that he may have deep rooted issues about his race and how he has been treated. However, how about your concerns? If anything, there should have been a compromise. How about he meet you half way and you can meet at a neutral location where there is a mixture. Just a thought. Compromise is a major part of a relationship. I do not know if you have discussed this possibility. If you have and he was still reluctant and full of excuses, you are better off without him and hopefully find what you are looking for, locally. I hope the best for you.

[littlekitty]

He doesn't want to (bother to) see me anymore since I do not want to drive. What a peice of sh**. I swear girls out there, beware of your men, he litereally had said "I love you" to me.

 

What a git. Unfortunately there are men like this out there, not all men, but there are. Clearly he didn't love you in the way he should or he'd have been willing to work out a compromise.

 

I had a guy like this once. I knew when I could no longer do the long drives to see him, there was no way he was going to bother to do it. Sad but true. God knows why I was with him in the first place, clearly he didn't deserve me!

[FoolishDriver]

It's hard to believe how he turned out. I believed him when he said he loved me. I keep waiting but he has not once contacted me again. I am so angry I can't believe this person. When I emailed suggestions about sharing the drive he didn't bother to respond to a single email. When I talked to him about it he got defensive making it seem like if I liked him it wouldn't bother me. What about his ass? All excusess. I am so angry I can see why women do crazy things like slash tires.

[JayKay]

FoolishDriver

 

 

So sorry.

 

He sounds very immature. He must have some very deep-seated insecurities to treat you this way.

 

 

Obviously the relationship was not very solid, especially since he was not willing to put in 50% of the effort.

 

 

Take out a pillow and punch it 25 times and pretend it's him. It helps get anger out. Then go pay for an hour-long massage. You will feel like a new person.

[lexilas]

It sounds to me like he is manipulating you into making the drive simply because he can. Is that a possibility?

 

If it is, you have to choose your battles so to speak. Ask yourself if it's bothering you enough to put your foot down if he's not willing to compromise.

 

Good luck!

[FoolishDriver]

It sounds to me like he is manipulating you into making the drive simply because he can. Is that a possibility?

 

If it is, you have to choose your battles so to speak. Ask yourself if it's bothering you enough to put your foot down if he's not willing to compromise.

 

Good luck!

Things have pretty much ended. He has been avoiding me because I threw the ball in his court to help out with the drive, tha's why I am upset but I guess I'll get over him. It's very hurtful though. I've driven so much and he won't even consider any driving. If you REALLY love someone like you say you do, you would drive at least sometimes but he no longer is talking to me after he said he loved me, all because of not wanting to drive.