My girlfriend wants be to stop talking to best friend (female) after altercations

[Roro39]

The issue started at the barbecue. It was a small gathering with four young people (my best friend, me, my girlfriend, and my brothers girlfriend) and my parents and my brothers girlfriends parents. My girlfriend was firstly very happy and engaged with almost everyone. My best friend was not there at the beginning, but joined a hour later. Me and my girlfriend picked my best friend up from the train station which was close and my girlfriend immediately made her feel welcome and they talked a bit. My girlfriend was very friendly and open, she made an effort to make my best friend feel welcome since she also was new to everyone except me. She was happy to talk to my best friend just a little bit. But, she quickly felt excluded, especially because my best friend did not speak to her once we got to the barbecue. Instead, my best friend only talked to the girlfriend of my brother and was completely engaged in that conversation and also sat with her back to my girlfriend. My girlfriend felt ignored, even if it wasn’t intentional, and that made her feel uncomfortable, especially since it was also a new environment for her.

Afterwards, I tried to resolve the situation, but unfortunately, I communicated things in a way that created misunderstandings. My best friend thought that my girlfriend could have said something, but I also think it was not possible in this scenario because she was so closed off with the other girl, which made it very hard to say something to join the conversation, since they also did not make any effort to make the conversation more open. Also I think it is kind of disrespectful to not talk to my girlfriend at all, since she was making an effort to make her fell welcome. my girlfriend was not expecting to talk to her a lot, just a friendly smalltalk would have been enough but this felt a little like ignoring. In the later conversations (after the barbecue) my best friend got the impression that my girlfriend had told me to confront her, which made her feel like my girlfriend was trying to turn me against her. Because of that, my best friend ended up saying some really harsh things about my girlfriend in a phone call. She said my girlfriend was childish, attention-seeking, and reminded her of someone from the past we both have a negative view of.

Later on, we talked again, and my best friend apologized. She understood that much of what happened was based on wrong assumptions. She said she would act differently next time and that she was sorry for hurting my girlfriend with her words. She also thought she had been attentive enough at the barbecue – for example, by showing her something on her phone or leaning toward her – but now she understands that it didn’t come across that way.

Despite the apology, my girlfriend still feels hurt. One of the main reasons is that the apology wasn’t directed to her personally – it was only shared with me. From her perspective, she was the one being warm and welcoming, and yet she ended up being excluded. That’s why it feels unfair to her to just move on and act like everything is okay. She still feels disrespected, and right now, she’s not ready for me to resume contact with my best friend, because it would feel like her feelings are being dismissed.

What can I do now? I dont want to make my girlfriend feel like I dismiss her feelings, but I also dont just want to throw away a 9 year old very good friendship.

[Sanch62]

How does your GF know anything about what your friend said?

[Acacia98]

I understand why your girlfriend feels disrespected. I know what it feels like to be excluded from conversation in a social gathering in that particular way, especially if you've made the effort to make the other person feel at home.

But here's the thing: not everybody who does what your best friend did does it maliciously. Some people are less socially aware than others. They are simply not aware that their body language is causing another person to feel rejected or excluded. It's only when they're explicitly told about it that they realize their mistake, and then hopefully, the other person gives them a chance to do better next time.

I don't know if your best friend falls in that category. There's not enough information here to go on. 

There's a part of me that feels like maybe you're trying too hard to manage the "conflict." It's possible you made things worse by going back and forth between the two of them and being too frank about what they said about each other. Perhaps the two women should get the opportunity to deal directly with each other and figure things out without you acting as a go-between.

Edited May 17 by Acacia98

[Roro39]

11 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I understand why your girlfriend feels disrespected. I know what it feels like to be excluded from conversation in a social gathering in that particular way, especially if you've made the effort to make the other person feel at home.

But here's the thing: not everybody who does what your best friend did does it maliciously. Some people are less socially aware than others. They are simply not aware that their body language is causing another person to feel rejected or excluded. It's only when they're explicitly told about it that they realize their mistake, and then hopefully, the other person gives them a chance to do better next time.

I don't know if your best friend falls in that category. There's not enough information here to go on. 

There's a part of me that feels like maybe you're trying too hard to manage the "conflict." It's possible you made things worse by going back and forth between the two of them and being too frank about what they said about each other. Perhaps the two women should get the opportunity to deal directly with each other and figure things out without you acting as a go-between.

It is exactly as you say. I tried too hard to manage the conflict and made it worse. And now I have told my girlfriend things she should not have heard. I dont know what to do other than give it time and hope my girlfriend can somehow forgive my best friend. 

About the type of person who does not get social cues. My best friend normally is very good in these situiations. She told me she realized my girlfriend was sad, but she did not really know how to integrate her and that she "does not want to hold people's hand in social situations". The whole situation is confusing. My girlfriend is not someone who need hand holding, because she is socially very open and also extroverted. This specific situation made it very hard to integrate yourself in a conversation between the other two.

The sad thing is I know my best friend for such a long time, that I know she is not the kind of person who wants to make others feel bad, it were just unfortunate mistakes and my "managing" made it worse. My girlfriend is too hurt to just accept it or let it go.
 

[Roro39]

18 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

How does your GF know anything about what your friend said?

that is porbably one of the biggest mistakes I made. I talked to my best friend and told that to my girlfriend.

[Acacia98]

On 5/18/2025 at 12:29 PM, Roro39 said:

 I dont know what to do other than give it time and hope my girlfriend can somehow forgive my best friend. 

(...)

My best friend normally is very good in these situiations. She told me she realized my girlfriend was sad, but she did not really know how to integrate her and that she "does not want to hold people's hand in social situations". The whole situation is confusing. My girlfriend is not someone who need hand holding, because she is socially very open and also extroverted. This specific situation made it very hard to integrate yourself in a conversation between the other two.

1. That's probably best.

2. Is it possible your best friend feels threatened by this relationship? Is it the first time she's meeting someone you're in a relationship with? If not, is this relationship more serious than previous relationships you've been in?

[flitzanu]

as a guy who has been in this situation with girlfriends and female friends, i think there's something else here.  

 

you said your gf was focused on how your best friend was ignoring her and engaged in these conversations .... 

let's call your gf "group A" and the other people "Group B" to keep this simple.

so, your gf said that the bestfriend was talking to "group B" and ignoring her.  that also means that Group B would have been ignoring her as well, because they were engaged in conversation with the best friend.

so, she isn't freaking out about any other person "ignoring her" and she's only blaming the best friend.

why?

[Sanch62]

On 5/18/2025 at 5:29 AM, Roro39 said:

that is porbably one of the biggest mistakes I made. I talked to my best friend and told that to my girlfriend.

Right. You stirred this pot, so it's up to you to unstir it. Telling GF the unflattering things said by friend likely sealed off any promise of that being reconciled. You might attempt to tell GF that you misunderstood the friend and try to smooth that over by conveying friend's correction to what you said along with her willingness to start over. You can give that a whirl, but your own mouth caused this trouble by compounding any real or perceived slight the friend may have caused in the first place.

[smackie9]

Your friend is a jerk. She openly admitted that she didn't feel she had to put in anymore effort..so what does that tell you?...I suspect jealousy from your friend. Bro she back peddled when you called her out on it....and said bad things about her!! What kind of friend is that?  Now it's your turn: You handled this horribly without any consideration for your GF's feelings, not to mention...where the f were you when she was being ignored? As her BF, meeting your family/friends for the first time, you should have been a gentleman and been right by her side the whole time. And to top it off you divert blame the onto your GF because she didn't step up and tell you???. Damn you blew it. You do need to distance yourself from this friend of yours. The mom talk: open your eyes! This friend is no friend. This situation is showing you that you are out growing this friendship. The jig is up...now you really know what kind of a person she truly is. She showed such disrespect....I would have been lost for words! There is no going back from that IMO. And to think you don't want to lose this friendship??? That says that you have some growing up to do.