Worried I Need to Break up With My Girlfriend

[StressedStudying]

Hi all, I hope you're well. To facilitate this discussion, I'd like it if we could just all accept one thing: the bar exam is incredibly stressful and high-stakes. I'm not here to litigate that with people: I find it incredibly stressful and high-stakes and believe that it is objectively stressful and high-stakes. 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. 90 percent of the time, we are happy together and go well together. However, right now the 10 percent is bad enough that I'm seriously considering cutting the cord. I'm taking the bar exam this July, which if you don't know, is the entrance exam for lawyers in the US. I must pass this exam to receive a license to practice law. It costs 750 bucks to take the exam and around 2,000 bucks for a prep program. Additionally, I begin work in the fall as an assistant. I am a broke student, and the economy in the US is fragile to say the least. It is imperative I take this exam once and pass it. 

I started studying in late April. I had already warned my girlfriend that the bar exam would be quite time-consuming. But I again warned her here. We don't live together, as she keeps pets, so I visit on the weekends. I told her then I needed to be hunkered down in my apartment—my preferred study space—during the week. I still have to study during the weekends when I'm at her place, but if I get in a good week, that kinda offsets any distractions I deal with at her place (she doesn't live alone, there are lots of distractions). She seemed like she'd be able to handle that. 

This week, she has not handled it well. She's been angry at me for being less talkative during my downtime (mind you, I'm studying all day and relearning the entirety of American law in three months, I'm a bit worn out). She's called twice to ask if I can come over to her place for non-emergencies (e.g. she just wanted me there). The first time she did this, I politely reminded her of this boundary. She insisted and kept asking if I'd come, but after I held my ground, she relented. The second time, she wanted me to drive her somewhere. I politely again reminded her of the boundaries, but offered to split the cost of an Uber with her as a way to make up for it. She got angry, guilt-tripped me, blamed me for her having to go alone, and then didn't talk to me for 24 hours. This is already coming off of a pattern of me taking my schoolwork more seriously than she does. 

Her being upset is not what inherently has driven me to this point. She's a human, she has the right to be upset. But I'm trying to become a lawyer. There's times (like right now) when the work and the hard stuff is just going to have to come first. I've tried to explain this isn't personal but she just doesn't seem to get it. The lashing out and continued pushing of boundaries has started to take its toll, I'm getting distracted when I should be studying because I'm worrying about additionally managing her emotional state. I really need to create the conditions for this exam to go perfectly and she's actively interfering with that process and just doesn't seem to care. 

So, I'm considering breaking up. The bar exam is weighty enough to warrant this consideration to me. But I would like to know what you all think I should do. I currently plan on sitting her down this weekend and basically saying "if you are uncomfortable with playing second-fiddle sometimes, you are well within your rights to feel that way, but if that is the case, we cannot be in this relationship." I'd do the same for her if the roles were reversed. Thoughts?

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, StressedStudying said:

 To facilitate this discussion, I'd like it if we could just all accept one thing: the bar exam is incredibly stressful and high-stakes. I'm not here to litigate that with people:

For sure it is.  No one should doubt this.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.  Your high stress situation is just temporary, it won't last forever, and she's too immature to cut you some slack about that.  I think you would be well within your rights to assert your boundaries and tell her that if she's not willing to be understanding about this, then this relationship might not work out.

[flitzanu]

if you can't handle having a girlfriend while you're trying to study, how are you going to have time if you're a lawyer and constantly preparing for cases, court, etc?

 

 

[Els]

So if I understand correctly, you're not working or doing any other kind of coursework. You have the entire day, every day, to study for the bar exam. Is this correct?

How far apart do you two live? Honestly, if it's less than 30 minutes and you still can't see her at all during weekdays, I feel like you might have a time management issue. 

It's not normal or healthy to be studying for literally 16 hours a day every single day. You're wrecking your health, mental health, and relationship... And at the same time you can't possibly be gaining that much from the extra time. Numerous studies have proven that concentration goes down significantly after 6 hours or so, and by the time you reach 12, you're not going to be retaining anything at all.

And if you're not actually studying 16 hours a day, why can you not spare an hour or two sometimes to see a person who is purportedly important to you?

I'm saying this as a person with multiple graduate degrees and who has sat for incredibly competitive and punishing exams, by the way. There are lots of things that I don't know much about, but this isn't one of them.

You need to strike a balance. If you don't learn how to do that now, it's not going to get any better when you're a lawyer.

Edited May 20 by Els

[Acacia98]

On 5/16/2025 at 9:59 PM, StressedStudying said:

So, I'm considering breaking up. The bar exam is weighty enough to warrant this consideration to me. But I would like to know what you all think I should do. I currently plan on sitting her down this weekend and basically saying "if you are uncomfortable with playing second-fiddle sometimes, you are well within your rights to feel that way, but if that is the case, we cannot be in this relationship." I'd do the same for her if the roles were reversed. Thoughts?

Hey OP. How did it go?

[Interstellar]

Your girlfriend is not understanding. If she’s smart she should know that when you become a lawyer you will make the big bucks that will go towards your future with her. You are under a lot of stress. A ton of stress. The bar exam is no joke. You gave her an advanced notice. You can already see what type of person she is by how she’s handling your bar exam. It will not get better with her. Believe it now. I would drop her. 

Edited May 22 by Interstellar

[basil67]

17 hours ago, Interstellar said:

Your girlfriend is not understanding. If she’s smart she should know that when you become a lawyer you will make the big bucks that will go towards your future with her.

Yes, this is good if she's places high value on a high income

But if she values quality time, she'll know that this is just the start of the long hours which lawyers are notorious for working

Edited May 22 by basil67

[Els]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, this is good if she's places high value on a high income

But if she values quality time, she'll know that this is just the start of the long hours which lawyers are notorious for working

The funny thing is that this poster gave the exact opposite response in the thread below, lol. So I guess it's only acceptable to be neglecting your partner when you're a male lawyer, but not as a female lawyer.

 

[CareerGirl2]

Hi OP! If I hadn’t just broken up with my gf a few days ago, I’d ask if you were dating my ex because it all sounds THE SAME! 
I’m further along in my career than you, I’ve been practicing for 24 years now. I can tell you that your concerns are 100% valid, and many times in your career you will run up against a friend or a family member that just won’t understand your choices. They will push hard and get frustrated because they won’t understand that your job doesn’t finish at 5pm, the urgency is always high, and you simply can’t succeed if you don’t prioritize work in MOST situations. It is absolutely not for everyone, but it can be a very rewarding career overall. Mine really has been.

It is imperative as part of this, that you have a partner that will accept your busy career choice. As others have said, the bar exam is just the beginning. There are times when you will make mistakes and neglect your personal life a bit too much (I’m still making those mistakes obviously) but you need a partner who will give you that grace and understand it’s not a personal thing and your heart is with them no matter what.

I worry that your current gf isn’t only failing to understand the pressures of your studying and the stress of what lies ahead these next months, but that when you start as a junior associate and the hours get even worse, she will will be a real mental distraction that could threaten to torpedo all you’ve worked so hard for. Meaning even if she gives you the time you need, will you be able to study or work properly if she is guilt tripping you or sitting at home angry or calling and distracting you? That’s a real energy drain, and it might be very hard for you to be present in what you need to do at work. 
None of this is to take away from how your gf feels. She wants someone there with her all the time and that is fair if that’s what she needs (read my posts and you’ll see I very much understand where you’re at). But take it from someone who is just coming out the other side of one of these storms, sometimes it’s just not the right fit and you’ve got to let go. You’re not superhuman, and there are only 24 hours in a day. Absolutely have the talk and give her a chance to respond and decide if she can give you what you need (which is just as important as what she needs btw), but please don’t let this disrupt your bar exam. If things get upsetting again as it gets closer, be sure to block if you need to. I wish you the best of luck on the exam and in your next steps.   

 

 

 

[Interstellar]

9 hours ago, Els said:

The funny thing is that this poster gave the exact opposite response in the thread below, lol. So I guess it's only acceptable to be neglecting your partner when you're a male lawyer, but not as a female lawyer.

What you’re completely misrepresenting is this is about being supportive of your partner in whatever endeavor they’re going through whether it’s a he or she. He’s going to school to become a lawyer and under a lot of stress, the other is asking what happened to the relationship. Relationships are work. I think there’s plenty of posts here where i’ve criticized men but you only choose to see what you’d like to see. 

[Els]

32 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

What you’re completely misrepresenting is this is about being supportive of your partner in whatever endeavor they’re going through whether it’s a he or she. He’s going to school to become a lawyer and under a lot of stress

Yes, and the stress is only going to get worse when he starts working. If he can't maintain the relationship while studying for a bar exam, he's not going to be able to maintain it afterwards either.

Lots of people prefer a partner who's present in their lives over a partner who makes big $$. You don't get to tell them that they're being wrong or stupid for making that choice.

 

[Sanch62]

On 5/16/2025 at 2:59 PM, StressedStudying said:

I would like to know what you all think I should do. I currently plan on sitting her down this weekend and basically saying "if you are uncomfortable with playing second-fiddle sometimes, you are well within your rights to feel that way, but if that is the case, we cannot be in this relationship." I'd do the same for her if the roles were reversed. Thoughts?

Yes, and I'd tell her that you feel manipulated when she tries to guilt you, and you can't afford that kind of distraction. Clarify that you are under too much pressure to allow her to derail you at this pivotal time in your life. If she believes that she can't do this or craves a BF who can be more present at this moment, she is free to opt out of the relationship during this time, and you are willing to contact her after the exam. If she's still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up.

This keeps your door open without burning a bridge, and it leaves the decision up to her. This will spare you from any regrets about making the choice FOR her.

Edited May 23 by Sanch62

[Lisa]

Sorry folks, looks like a drive by