To big of risk?

[Torn Up]

For those of you that know my story, you know how much this relationship tore me up.

 

MM and I broke it off in mid November. We continued to send each other emails, but I had a very difficult time being civil towards him. Too much anger and hurt within me and I could not handle the contact with him.

 

The last time we spoke was on December 16th, when he delivered a wood rack he made me for Christmas. And although I appreciated this gift, I remained hostile towards him and our contact was stopped.

 

Problem is, we see each other almost on a daily basis at work, even if just briefly. I have done everything possible to avoid him, but it's impossible to keep from running in to each other periodically.

 

Okay...so I get an email from him for the first time today, asking me how I've been, and that he holds no "ill" feelings towards me. Thought about it for a long time (contemplating whether I should respond or not) and decided that because we work together, it might be a good idea to "clear the air," per se...for the sake of our comfort level.

 

My anger and hostility towards him has lessened the past few weeks and I felt I can now be civil.

 

Well, our emails today were friendly enough and we have agreed that things between us are now "cool."

 

So, I guess my question is this...

 

What are the risks of MM and OW becoming involved again should they attempt friendship? How plausible is it that a friendship (and ONLY friendship) can develop between the two without the risk of it getting out of hand?

 

Your thoughts?

 

~Torn~

[lifeline]

I would advise that you stay friendly, but distant. It's taken you a great deal of time, energy, pain and work to get where you are today, and I wouldn't suggest putting any of that hard-won progress at risk.

 

I think there's a good chance you will get involved with him again if you become friends--not because of any particular weakness in you, but because it's human nature.

 

Good luck!

[Torn Up]

I think there's a good chance you will get involved with him again if you become friends--not because of any particular weakness in you, but because it's human nature.

 

Good luck!

 

So, do you believe that once the line has been crossed, it's next to impossible to cross back over?

 

I have always believed this. I think that once you've crossed that line you can never go back to being the friends you once were BEFORE getting intimately involved. But...ya never know. Just thought I'd put it up here to see what others may say...if perhaps there are some success stories where the OW and MM eventually became friends without getting involved.

 

And you're right, I have worked VERY hard to get past the pain and anger and am leary of putting all that hard work at risk.

 

Thank you for your response...appreciate it.

 

~Torn~

[Sami_D]

Hello Torn Up.

 

I must admit I'm a little puzzled/suspicious of his behaviour. But that might be because I don't know too much about your story.

 

For example, I'm wondering why he said he feels no 'ill will' towards you? What prompted him to say that, or did it come out of the blue..? Have you been discussing blame or something..? Or does he just feel it appropriate to state (in not so many words) that he might have reason (in his mind) for blaming you, but is generous enough (or whatever) not to? Just seems like a snitty and unnecessary thing for anyone to bring up.

 

And when you'd split up, and he was still emailing you (like nothing had happened? apologising? trying to pretend everything was ok.? I don't know). And turning up with a gift..? Why..? Did he OK that with you first..?

 

OK, I don't know the history here (or even who broke up with who!), but those things went through my mind... So, to answer your question about re-starting a friendship with him. I'd say no way. Whatever the exact 'meaning' behind his odd sort of contact with you since you broke up... I am getting the idea that there's FAR too much going on in his head with relation to you. Gifts when you broke up..? Still dwelling on blame or ill-feeling so long (from a usual male perspective) after the events?

 

I think that if you got back to more than office civility with him it would all get into another tangled mess before you know it. I'd keep him at a polite distance. And no more personal emails.

[newbby]

hello torn up,

first of all, like sami, i wondered about the "no ill feelings" comment. why should he have ill feelings towards you? surely it would be more likely the other way round??

 

what i wanted to say though, is that i did this with my exmm. we became friends, put the past behind us blah blah. the trouble is that i began to trust him in a friendship and began to forget about (or think it didnt apply anymore, because this was just friendship), the lies etc the first time around.

i felt that we had got really close. we began working on projects together etc as friends and would talk for ages way into the early hours. he began to confide in me about his marital problems and i would advise him. anyway after a good few months i ended up weakening. it is so easily done. then the things that really got me was that he treated me awfully afterwards. i realised that the whole "friendship" had been a lie. it wasnt very pleasant. a mm does not need a female friend. theres only one thing he is after, believe me.

[FireReady]

I'm with everyone... but most importantly, I think you indicated it yourself. If you're having doubts, then clearly you sense thtat you could never be "just friends" with him, no matter how you set out to go about it. So it would probably be best for you to remain on civil yet iceberg terms with him.

And if you need some hugs, try girlstalkaboutitall.com

[BUTAFLY]

I say NO also.

I thought forgive and be civil. We slowly became friendly again, Just like nebby's MM, he started to confide in me about his personal life, (this is part of their game) and I felt myself slipping so I limited our communication to a hi and bye. I believe his intentions are to reel you back in as the OW. He is testing the waters to see how far you will go, how much you will trust him. DON'T let him. Do whatever it takes to remain strong. I stare at his wedding and that reminds me who he chose, think of all the lies he told you before, just now you cant trust him.

[EMJ]

'What are the risks of MM and OW becoming involved again should they attempt friendship?"'

The risks are:

-You will end up in bed. Same situation.

-You will continue get be hurt

-You are going backwards in any progress you made

-you will feel like crap, because you let it happen

-your self esteem be very low, beacuse you were weak in this matter

 

"How plausible is it that a friendship (and ONLY friendship) can develop between the two without the risk of it getting out of hand?"

-habits are exteremely hard to change

-not plausible, highly unlikely to be only friends after an affair

-it's already out of hand, this deal making thinking, don't kid yourself

-he needs to focus on his marriage

-you need to focus on your mental health

-this is damaging to you mostly

-you are try to rationalize the irrational, not a good solution

 

Look, him saying "he holds no "ill" feelings towards" you is ridiculous. As if he's been the wronged party! What an arrogant ***hole! Things aren't cool. There's nothing cool about this situation, nothing at all. Keep your distance. Force yourself to Block his e-mails. He still has power over you if you are trying to retain contact with him.

 

You can be civil and professional to anyone, but that's for your benefit, not his. You have to keep moving ahead. It's the only way to get out of this mess. Working somewhere else is the best solution to heal yourself, but if you can't leave at this time, you need to stay far, far away from him. You know what you have to do. SO DO IT. Good luck & stay strong!

[Blind Illusion]

I know of only one person that was able to do this and much more time had elapsed and there was someone else in her life. I think personally I couldn't but who knows. Never say never, right.

 

I think I could easily go back emotionally to where I was, especially if the other party pulled in that direction. It's sad, though, in a way. Here would be this person that was a best friend in many ways & why should the friendship have to be lost too, if it was so good. Seems like that is what happens though.

[Blind Illusion]

are to reel you back in

 

Yes, yes, yes,....the reeling back in. That's the feeling I was trying to express. Especially as I see just how many times I feel that I am reeed back in now.