As a highly inexperienced man, how can I avoid losing women every time I disappoint them in bed?

[EdwardTeach]

I'm here because I'm 29 and just lost my virginity. It was after spending years overcoming OCD, PTSD, anxiety and depression.  Turns out now that I’m dating, I attract women pretty easily, even super pretty ones.

 

I didn't give two f***s about my virginity until I was 28 when I met a woman who I told I was a virgin. It was on the fifth date and she wanted sex, so it wasn't the first thing I said. She acted like I said "by the way, I'm secretly a cannibal." Her whole demeanor and personality changed and it was like a new person. I'll never forget her exact words: ""28? But you're attractive. What the f*** is wrong with you? You're like the best looking dude I've been with in a long time, how could you still be a virgin? Are you like a registered offender or something?"

 

That was last year. Now I will describe the next woman I met. 

 

Just last weekend I finally lost my virginity to a different woman. After what happened last year, I was quiet about it this time. She was clearly disappointed, ghosted me all week until yesterday.

 

Yesterday, she sent me a text message explaining how she was disgusted she took a man's virginity at 29, and how no woman is into that, how I'm significantly less of a man, and that I should give up and die alone. I don't have a shadow of a doubt in my mind she's already mocked me to her friends.

 

For all the women here. Some of you might date virgins, others not. My only question is:  IS THIS GOING TO BE A COMMON REACTION FROM WOMEN AT MY AGE?. I hope these women were just bad people and that I won't be setting myself up for humiliation constantly.

I have a lot of female friends who I genuinely care for, and it will be soul-destroying to know if they secretly would have a different opinion of me if I told them this.

[Els]

Sounds like your people picker is off. Those responses make me think of a very, very specific kind of person, and one that is best avoided.

Basically yes there are some women like that, and if you indiscriminately date and try to sleep with every "pretty" one you see without trying to figure out their personality beforehand, you will encounter women like that. And not being a virgin isn't going to deter them either - they'll find something else to dig into you about.

Edited May 15 by Els

[EdwardTeach]

1 minute ago, Els said:

without trying to figure out their personality beforehand,

One thing — I did try to learn their personality, and that’s the worst part of this.

 

the first woman was sweet and caring, until I told her.  But when I told her I was inexperienced, good lord above.  It was like a whole new woman reacting

[Gebidozo]

I find it hard to believe that such dumb and nasty women even exist, let alone that you managed to date two in a row.

Assuming that what you’re telling us is 100% true, there is something disastrously wrong with the way you pick women to date. I have a suspicion that you choose women mainly based on their looks and not on their personalities.

That said, yes, there are people who don’t want to date virgins, and there is nothing wrong with that. I believe that kind of information should be disclosed as soon as possible, definitely before sex. 

 

[EdwardTeach]

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I find it hard to believe that such dumb and nasty women even exist, let alone that you managed to date two in a row.

Assuming that what you’re telling us is 100% true, there is something disastrously wrong with the way you pick women to date. I have a suspicion that you choose women mainly based on their looks and not on their personalities.

That said, yes, there are people who don’t want to date virgins, and there is nothing wrong with that. I believe that kind of information should be disclosed as soon as possible, definitely before sex. 

 

Where would I find any women ok with a virgin at my age?

No, I definitely do not go for looks alone.  I met a pretty woman, but then she revealed herself to be one of them types who never grew up past high school.  
 

She Still thinks being “unstable” is funny.  Gorgeous woman, but I knew it was not worth it.

At the same time, I met a very pretty AND nice woman who still wanted nothing to do with an inexperienced man.

[basil67]

According to your post, you are no longer a virgin.   So now it's about finding a nice way to explain your lack of experience

[EdwardTeach]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

According to your post, you are no longer a virgin.   So now it's about finding a nice way to explain your lack of experience

Is one time going to make a big difference?

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, EdwardTeach said:

Where would I find any women ok with a virgin at my age?

Well, you aren’t a virgin anymore. But even if you still were, there are surely women who’d be okay with that or even like it.

If you’re looking for something more casual, to gather experience, I’m sure there are plenty of women, especially older ones, who won’t mind your lack of experience at all. They might even find it endearing.

If you’re looking for a serious long-term relationship, perhaps a younger, not very experienced girl would be a better match for you. Somebody who is idealistic about these matters and doesn’t feel comfortable with experienced men.

 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, EdwardTeach said:

Is one time going to make a big difference?

In terms of experience, no.  But in terms of it not being your first time, yes

[FredEire]

10 hours ago, EdwardTeach said:

Where would I find any women ok with a virgin at my age?

No, I definitely do not go for looks alone.  I met a pretty woman, but then she revealed herself to be one of them types who never grew up past high school.  
 

She Still thinks being “unstable” is funny.  Gorgeous woman, but I knew it was not worth it.

At the same time, I met a very pretty AND nice woman who still wanted nothing to do with an inexperienced man.

Yeah, a good rule of thumb is if you see things in a dating bio like "I'm a crazy b****, looking to see if I can find a man who can handle me", or if she tells you the same thing in person, believe them and stay far away.

Emotional instability is something you should at best deal with and keep under wraps so it doesn't negatively affect you and everyone around you. If a woman sees it as a virtue and a sign that she's really cool and extra, pretty likely that she's going to end up treating you like s***.

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, EdwardTeach said:

IS THIS GOING TO BE A COMMON REACTION FROM WOMEN AT MY AGE?.

No.

It’s shameful that a woman said that to you. That is a terrible thing to do to another human being - I’m very sorry that happened.

 

[Els]

23 hours ago, EdwardTeach said:

Where would I find any women ok with a virgin at my age?

There are plenty of us who don't care if the guy hasn't stuck his penis into a vagina just yet. In fact it probably puts him a step up compared to the dude that has stuck his penis non-discriminately into 50 vaginas.

The potential problems that I can see here is firstly your obsession about your experience. And secondly the fact that this obsession tends to indicate a lack of knowledge about how female pleasure works, which is obviously an unpleasant trait to have in a partner.

You can do something about both of those problems without just having sex for the sake of having sex. For the first one, work on your mental health with a therapist. For the second, read up on the clitoris, female pleasure, and female orgasm - "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner is a highly recommended book for this.

Edited May 17 by Els

[NotPescifromGoodfellas]

I haven’t dated since 2015 to be honest, no gfs, sex, none of that so I’m lagging behind in experience.  Yet now, I only seem to attract single mothers.

 

I’ve made it clear for some time I’m not interested as them because I’d like to start my own family. Ready-made families aren’t the same, and that’s kind of a well known thing.

 

I’ve had quite a few single mothers into me and they seem like nice people, but for the reasons I described above, I turned them down. I have nothing against them as people, I do not view them inferior or any s*** like that, but the issue comes with the fact that I will not be able to start a family with them AND they will almost certainly have the old dad as part of their lives. Unless he’s a hardcore abuser, which will have its own issues, the kids will want to see him occasionally. Again, I know single mothers are good people with a lot on their plate, but it’s still not something I wanna get involved with.

 

Some people around me are suggesting I reconsider this approach given that they are the only ones into me. One friend of mine said I’ve turned down a wonderful woman because of that hang up and that I’m at the age where it’s gonna be too hard to do things the normal way. This also doesn’t make sense, 24-26 year olds exist after all, most of them probably don’t have kids yet.

 

What’s this place think?

[an0nym0us123]

It's up to you really. Nothing wrong with having preferences. I am late 30s and I would not get serious with a single mother. Nothing against them at all, I don't want to deal with other people's kids, play step dad or deal with the real dad which from my experience is usually a pain in the rear and usually tries to ruin the whole thing.

I'll probably not meet someone childless to start a family, but it's a decision I will have to live with.

 

[ShyViolet]

You can have whatever preferences you want to have.  There's really no right or wrong answer to this question.

How old are you?

[MsJayne]

Nothing wrong with your attitude, it’s wise to choose a partner according to your own values and beliefs. I guess you have to figure out why you only seem to attract women who have kids. Where do you normally meet women? 

[Sony12]

There isn't anything at all wrong with it. However one thing to keep in mind though is that with the divorce rate what it is in this day and age a lot of single women in their 20's and 30's are going to have kids they are taking care of.

[Els]

You're 28 but you say you haven't dated since 2015... So the last time you dated was at 18???

Look, dating single parents isn't for everyone. If you don't want to be a step parent then you shouldn't date single parents, full stop. It's weird and wrong for your friends to try and push you to do that, since that would turn out badly for everyone involved.

Your reasoning is equally strange, though. You "want to start a family", but how does having existing children prevent that from happening? In fact, I daresay the odds are probably higher of starting a family with a person who has kids, since they clearly want kids or are at least okay with having them. Out of the people who don't have kids, statistically speaking a large percentage don't want them. Even if you managed to find a woman without kids who is attracted to you, wants a relationship with you and is compatible with you in all other ways, it's certainly not a given that she'll want to have kids with you (or with anyone).

I don't think there's any point in trying to justify your preference. Just own it and stick to it. Instead, spend your time and energy figuring out why you haven't dated since 18 and how to change that. The 20s are a very formative decade for most people when it comes to figuring themselves and relationships out, so you do have your work cut out for you to catch up.

Edited May 17 by Els

[NotPescifromGoodfellas]

13 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

There isn't anything at all wrong with it. However one thing to keep in mind though is that with the divorce rate what it is in this day and age a lot of single women in their 20's and 30's are going to have kids they are taking care of.

So I don’t really have a chance of starting my own family and giving a woman her first child?

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, NotPescifromGoodfellas said:

So I don’t really have a chance of starting my own family and giving a woman her first child?

Is that your thing that you want to give a woman her first child? Do you actually just want a virgin?

[NotPescifromGoodfellas]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Is that your thing that you want to give a woman her first child? Do you actually just want a virgin?

Major difference.

 

that I care less about.  The man who took her virginity probably means nothing to her now.  The Same almost definitely can’t be said about the man who gave her a child.

[Lisa]

@EdwardTeach and @NotPescifromGoodfellas are the same person