Omer Posted May 15 Posted May 15 Me (20M) and my ‘ex’ (20F) broke up today. We had a 14-month relationship. Long story short; in November, I saw messages on her phone from her ex-boyfriend. She told me that her ex-boyfriend was obsessive, that even if she blocked his messages, he would try to communicate elsewhere and that's why she answered his messages. After this incident, my trust in her was broken and she said that she would stop communicating with her ex-boyfriend and block him, which she did and apologized to me. And somehow i didnt want to break up and give another chance to her. In April, when I looked at the messages on her phone when she wasn't there, I saw that she had contacted her ex boyfriend again and I felt really awful that she had lied to me and was still willingly talking to him. There were no love messages, they were talking like friends, but it still bothered me because she had lied to me. This time she didn't apologize and said that what she did was normal and that it was ridiculous that I was uncomfortable talking to her ex-boyfriend. When I told her that I no longer trusted her because she lied to me for the second time, instead of listening to me, she accused me of looking at some women in bikinis on instagram reels. Then she said that 'my ex-boyfriend wouldn't treat me like that, he is a better person than you' this destroyed me and the discussion ended there. We are not talking now and I need your help, how can I heal in this process, i dont hate her but it feels hard to process this break up because i never break up from someone before. I need your advice on this.
basil67 Posted May 15 Posted May 15 (edited) Thing is, she did the wrong thing by lying to you about being in contact with her ex. You did the wrong thing by spying in her phone. Once the trust has gone, there really is no coming back Edited May 15 by basil67
Gebidozo Posted May 15 Posted May 15 (edited) You should never, ever spy on your partner and check her phone or other private messages without her permission. This is just something mature people don’t do in relationships. It kills trust and destroys the bond between you and your partner. You were also wrong to tell her to stop communicating with her ex. There is nothing wrong with that as long as the communication is appropriate (no flirting, sexual or romantic talk). You can’t just control who your partner talks to. It’s her decision and her choice. She was wrong when she lied to you, of course. But the worst thing she did was compare you unfavorably to her ex. “My ex is better than you” is one of the worst things one can tell their partner. It’s pretty much a call for an automatic breakup. All in all, this breakup was inevitable and imminent. You’ll feel better when you realize that. Start working on your trust and control issues, so that your next relationship will be healthier. Edited May 15 by Gebidozo
ShyViolet Posted May 16 Posted May 16 Setting a rule that your gf is not allowed to communicate with her ex, when it's just as friends and there's nothing romantic or flirtatious about it, is an unreasonable rule. I've stayed on friendly terms with exes in the past. It's a common thing that a lot of people do. You really don't have a right to control who people talk to like that. And you should not be snooping through someone else's phone. Yes she did some things wrong here, like lie to you, but you sound a bit controlling and you need to work on that for future relationships.
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