I messed up with a girl that claimed to love me - I want her back

[Itsamee]

So to shorten the story, we both hung out with the same crowd 6 years ago (2019).

I'm 25, she's 23/24.

That's how I met her (M), through mutual friends, but we would only hang out platonically together.

I was on a date one night with girl A and M and 2 friends were at the same cafe, one of the friends got up to say hi and she just stood back and death stared me.

The next day my friend says he talked to M and that if I wanted to, he could set us up as she admitted to him she was interested in me.

I was not sure as this other girl (A) I was dating I was more attracted to (she had a killer body, watched her diet and worked out every day) so I said I would think about it.

Weeks passed and M and I would hang out only with friends together, but in private she would DM me on instagram and she would send me pictures/songs/quotes etcetera.

She would DM me her exams from school and I would help her cheat by answering it for her, we were at a party once and she got super drunk ( her first time drinking) and I took her home and carried her up to her parents in my arms, etc etc.We were close.

From talking to her I recall that she was interested and was basically pleading me to ask her out through the messages/chats I remember us having.

I basically rejected her through my friend and I said I want to see what me and A have and where it could go. (I've rejected great character girls for girls that may not match up with me that well but are the most attractive girls I could find)

One night while out with the friends and M, M was particularly pissy with me and would call me out on every opinion I had. Now that I think about it, she was probably just teasing me cause she liked me, but I got tired of it and we actually had several arguments that night where our friends would have to intervene to stop us.

I came back that night to a reply of her on my story, my story said sth like "Violence is not option number 1, but it is always an option", and her reply was "No it isn't"

I blocked her everywhere and she told my friend she just wanted to talk to me and would stay up all night that evening as she was too upset to sleep.

Eventually me and her fizzled out and communication ended as we would not see eachother IRL much.

Me and A went nowhere, and M eventually got a boyfriend.

2021, her and her BF broke up, so I'm like ok I'm gonna shoot my shot now. I got her number from one of the 2 friends (who are a couple) that the 4 of us would actively hang out together, I called her (after not talking to her for years) and I asked her out, she said OK but she was at work and if we could talk later. 

She called back later and was like ok we can go out, but not the way you think. I'm like what do you mean. M says, the ship has sailed. But we can go out as friends.

I said that I don't see her as a friend and that's not my goal, and therefore I can't go out with her as just friends, and ended the conversation.

The friend called the next day and she said that the 4 of us (them 2(who are bf and gf) and M) will go and play pool together, so I accepted. (Now that I think about it, the day after I ask her out we all go play pool together when we hadn't all gone out in 2 years.I should have made a move, but I did nothing.)

Now again, the bf friend had a birthday a couple months ago and showed me chats with her from 6 years ago where she admitted to him that she was in love with me. (We never spoke about her or anything, idk why he thought of doing this.)

I hadn't thought of her much but this made everything come back.

And  I spent the next few days thinking about it and eventually it hit me.

This is the girl for me.

Most of the other girls I had been seeing have shown their true colors after ~2-3 months. Not girls I could take home to my parents, not girls I could have something serious with that could eventually lead to creating a family, etc.

I''ve been seeing damaged, emotionally scarred women these past few years and it always ends dramatically. And my problem is, I usually go for the hottest, most attractive girl in the room that EVERYONE wants a piece of. But what you don't know is it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows once you get her, sure the physical will be great in the beginning but eventually she shows her true self, and great looks doesn't override bad/immoral character.

M is FAR from bad looking, she's a very cute girl but has more of a slimmer/petite structure, where the girls I'm used to are all well shaped(You understand, I just don't think this is the place to say it)

She has only had 1 serious relationship in her life.

I've known her for a while, I've spent a long time around her and she's amazing.

Very literate, knowledgeable about the world, VERY funny and a fantastic sense of humor. She's also much cuter now that she's a bit older (was 18 when we met, she's 24 now.)

Has a great group of friends, dresses very respectably and is simply the complete package.

I only realized now that with how I am and how she is, we'd be an incredible match. She's the endgame. Someone I know I can have something real and mutual happiness with.

Easter evening my friends (the couple, bf and gf who had been hanging out with me and her, all 4) invited me to go to chruch together.

Well, I go there and there they are, the two of them with a girl beside them. She turns around. It's M.

I've grown a lot more since then, both physically and mentally.

I immediately get to teasing her and making her laugh, and it's working.

I occasionally touch her while making a joke, or touch her hand while talking, etc. 

As other friends would come and talk to us, me and M would stand very very close, my shoulder touching her chest almost. She was cool with it and did not move at all.

While she was receptive to my physical touch, she only grazed my biceps with her hand once but didn't really do much other than that.

We walked to my car and I drove them all home, she high fived me when she got out of my car as I dropped her off home and that was that.

A week later I looked her up on instagram and followed her, couple hours later she accepted and followed me back.

I didn't DM her anything, and now I got word from a mutual friend that she told the GF from the couple that we would hang out with, that I followed her on instagram.

The GF friend said that I was talking to M for a while and didn't talk to anyone else, and that then I followed her on instagram. The friend that told me this says he believes she expected me to DM her, but is probably confused as to why I didn't.

1st of May though I believe they had BBQ (the couple friends that are bf and gf, M's best friend with her boyfriend, and another guy that I believe was brought to meet M)

Idk that was 15 days ago so even if she's talking to him, not to sound cocky but he's not me, so I'm not worried.

I'm actually really interested in M and it's very easy for me to see a future with her.

Everything I've wanted in a girl, it's her. I was just too stupid to see it earlier, and it's one of the things I regret most. if I had went out with her that day 6 years ago, Lord knows where (or what) we'd be right now.

She posted a pic 9 days ago at a formal gathering in a beautiful dress. She looks jaw droppingly good. But I didn't press like. Wondering if I should now haha.

What do you think I should do guys? It's not something I can easily walk away from when I know how high quality this girl is, even if I didn't manage to capture this through this big block of text that took me a lot longer to put into words than I thought it would.

Any advice would be extremely appreciated <3

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are getting ahead of yourself and idealizing her and your hypothetical relationship. 

I don't doubt she has a lot of good qualities. You may have a lot in common. But the truth is that you never dated, and you have no clue how well you would actually gel in that context. You talk about her as though she is "The One" but that is a premature assumption. You would first need to actually see how compatible you are as a couple. Being friends is one thing. Being a couple introduces a different dynamic that could go well - or not. 

My point is not to discourage you, but to be more realistic. Try not to view as the "endgame" when you have never so much as been on a date with her. It's important to keep perspective and not get too lost in this sort of rumination: 

1 hour ago, Itsamee said:

if I had went out with her that day 6 years ago, Lord knows where (or what) we'd be right now.

Who's to say you'd have lasted? She was, what, 17 then? 18? It isn't that likely it would have been your ride-off-into-the-sunset relationship. Relationships that start that young don't often last because the people in question haven't really matured yet. You might still be together today, or you might have broken up and got back together 3 times and both moved on to other people. Don't get too stuck on what didn't happen 6 years ago. It's all conjecture, not fact. 

1 hour ago, Itsamee said:

I didn't DM her anything

Wny not?

1 hour ago, Itsamee said:

dk that was 15 days ago so even if she's talking to him, not to sound cocky but he's not me, so I'm not worried.

Nah, rookie mistake. You're getting in your own way by over-estimating your importance to her. I am not saying you're not a catch, but what exactly would make you so special that she wouldn't be interested in another a guy? You're just a guy in the background right now, who's too scared to make a move, for some reason. If another guy catches her eye and shows interest, you're toast. You're not even talking to her. As a woman, I can tell you that you are approaching this all wrong. 

1 hour ago, Itsamee said:

She posted a pic 9 days ago at a formal gathering in a beautiful dress. She looks jaw droppingly good. But I didn't press like. Wondering if I should now haha.

Not sure if you're serious, but I hope this isn't actually your plan. If you really want her attention and would like a chance to see if there's something there,  man up and ask her out. The worst that can happen is she declines, in which case you know that you will need to let it go. What exactly have you got to lose? 

[Itsamee]

Do you think her telling our mutual friend I followed her means something? Like would it mean it means something to her so she shared it or?

[basil67]

Could you sum this up in five sentences?   It's very long and your formatting is very hard to read

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Itsamee said:

Do you think her telling our mutual friend I followed her means something? Like would it mean it means something to her so she shared it or?

No idea. 

Why won't you ask her out? You seem really hesitant to make a move. 

[Itsamee]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No idea. 

Why won't you ask her out? You seem really hesitant to make a move. 

I was thinking of sliding in her DMs with

"So did it take you longer than an hour to brag to such and such that I followed you? "

I am hesitant because if I ask her out and she rejects me, this will all be relayed to my friend group, not that I'm gonna die because of it but I have it in mind.

I also don't want to seem annoying/desperate tbh.

 

What do you think?

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, Itsamee said:

"So did it take you longer than an hour to brag to such and such that I followed you? "

Please don’t do that.

A statement such as this sounds incredibly arrogant it would be a definite turn off - 

Personally, I wouldn’t even reply to this kind of message. 

Just send her an engaging and friendly message - “Just saying hi! What do you have planned for the weekend - hope it’s something fun!” The tone of her replies will help you to gauge her interest. 

 

Edited May 16 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Itsamee said:

"So did it take you longer than an hour to brag to such and such that I followed you? "

No. Don't send this. It's cocky, even if you're trying to be funny. 

Follow @BaileyB's suggestion instead: 

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

“Just saying hi! What do you have planned for the weekend - hope it’s something fun!”

 

[Mrin]

9 hours ago, Itsamee said:

"So did it take you longer than an hour to brag to such and such that I followed you? "

Sweet Jesus no...

Stop acting like a boy. Man up and ask her out on a proper. Pick her up and take her out on a night on the town. Nice restaurant and all. Pay for the whole thing. Listen more than talk. Ask her questions and about her opinion on things. Converse. Then, before you drop her back home and end the date, ask her out again and set the next date and time.  

Hint: she's 24 now. You are acting 18. Stop it.

Edited May 16 by Mrin

[Sanch62]

On 5/15/2025 at 2:25 PM, Itsamee said:

Idk that was 15 days ago so even if she's talking to him, not to sound cocky but he's not me, so I'm not worried.

Okay, well, him not being you might afford him the confidence to be kind to her and ask her out. In which case, he'd be in front of you, leaving you in the dust.

13 hours ago, Itsamee said:

I was thinking of sliding in her DMs with

"So did it take you longer than an hour to brag to such and such that I followed you? "

Oh, please...really? I don't know where you picked up the idea that being insulting would somehow 'work' with this woman whom you suddenly, supposedly admire and respect?

This is someone who's already been turned off by your prior behavior, so I would think overcoming that with kindness would be a priority for you. If you continue acting like the snotty brat who once pulled her pigtails, you'll someday find yourself as the only friend without an invitation to her upcoming wedding to someone else.

Think.

[smackie9]

TBH if your main focus is how hot someone's rack is, I think this girl might be a little too sophisticated for you and I think she knows her worth so good luck with that.

[Esteban]

On 5/15/2025 at 2:25 PM, Itsamee said:

I blocked her everywhere and she told my friend she just wanted to talk to me and would stay up all night that evening as she was too upset to sleep.

Eventually me and her fizzled out and communication ended as we would not see eachother IRL much.

Me and A went nowhere, and M eventually got a boyfriend.

2021, her and her BF broke up, so I'm like ok I'm gonna shoot my shot now. I got her number from one of the 2 friends (who are a couple) that the 4 of us would actively hang out together, I called her (after not talking to her for years) and I asked her out, she said OK but she was at work and if we could talk later. 

She called back later and was like ok we can go out, but not the way you think. I'm like what do you mean. M says, the ship has sailed. But we can go out as friends.

 

Normally I don't think you should chase a woman too much. If she rejects you move on to someone else. But there are two reasons why this should be different. First is your high level of interest.

Second is that you previously rejected her. When a woman is in love (or has strong feelings) and feels rejected, it sometimes does something to her heart that puts a block on your chances with her in the future, even if you are perfect for her. Perhaps it's because she won't trust you to commit in the future since you didn't in the past, perhaps it's because she'll always associate you with the severe emotional hurt that she felt when you rejected her. You may have been her first love/serious crush, and she will carry that with her, and associate it with you. Not the good stuff, but the negative emotions that she felt in the past are still with her, or have left a mark.

This may mean that a wall has been erected that you have to break down. The same woman that would have said yes immediately had you asked her out years ago now has to be pursued, and even that may not work. To find out you have to pursue more than you normally would, you might consider buying her a present or sending her flowers before even getting a date in this case which would seem crass in most cases but in this case might work.

This means, that, on an emotional if not intellectual level, it feels right and just (at least to her) that she makes you pursue her without you knowing if you will succeed.

She may enjoy you pursuing her and getting your turn to be rejected. If you really like her that much you need to man up and be prepared to risk the rejection.

I suggest you cut out all the cute stuff. Just ask her out again, tell her you like her , and pursue her. Tell her she has really grown as a person since you met her as an 18 year old. Point out to her that she as an 18 year old would not have gone out with someone 2 years younger (a 16 year old) and that you didn't fancy her as much then, but now she has really grown as a person. Tell her why you like her. If you get a firmer rejection, stop to be respectful. If she rejects you more than once again you might ask if she's Ok with you still trying.

Tell her you only rejected her because you were dating someone else, and you feel a fool for doing so. Apologise sincerely for blocking her in the past and say you should have treated her better. Ask her to talk about her feelings from that time.

Ease off on thinking you want a long-term relationship with her. First just try and date it and see where it goes.

Never tell her or anyone else that knows her that other women are more sexually attractive to you.

Edited May 20 by Esteban

[Carlston]

 

On 5/15/2025 at 9:25 PM, Itsamee said:

 

I came back that night to a reply of her on my story, my story said sth like "Violence is not option number 1, but it is always an option", and her reply was "No it isn't"

I blocked her everywhere and she told my friend she just wanted to talk to me and would stay up all night that evening as she was too upset to sleep.

 

Her opinion differed from yours so you blocked her everywhere. 

What's your problem exactly?

If she makes the mistake of getting involved with you she's looking at untold misery due to your over the top reactions and manipulative behavior.