Hair loss is absolutely destroying my confidence with women

[zuzu420]

not sure if I'm looking for advice or to vent. maybe both. might post this in a few sections because I don't know where to put it

my confidence with women has always been s***. in high-school I didn't know how to dress. in college I had acne plus sexual side effects from antidepressants.

now I'm in my early 30s and have less hair on my head than ever. I tried finesteride which might also be giving me sexual side effects. I've tried accepting going bald  but my skin is awful and no matter what methods I try I break out in razor burn.

I honestly just feel like a victim. apparently my standards for women are too high and I only seem to attract overweight women or women(not that theres anything wrong with being overweight) im not attracted to. at this point I'm wondering if I should just try and dare someone I'm not attracted to because apparently attraction "builds over time." 

what does a guy like me who can barely put on muscle, and can't look good to save his life supposed to do? it seems as if I'm just not allowed to look good or be confident. I swipe on apps all day, get a date with a girl I find attractive on very rare occasions and it never goes anywhere. otherwise I'd try in person but the women I'm after usually want a guy who's taller than me, has a better job etc.

my therapist says the only way I'll be confident is accepting the way I am now...

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, zuzu420 said:

my confidence with women has always been s***. in high-school I didn't know how to dress.

There is your first mistake, assuming that confidence comes from some such superficial attributes.

I’m one of the worst dressers known to mankind. People literally mock my total indifference to what I wear and my appalling taste in clothes. I also used to have acne. I have no muscles to speak of. That never prevented me from being confident with women.

My brother has been bald since he was in his early 30’s. He has never had any problems being confident with women and attract those women that he was attracted to.

If a woman rejects you only because you’re a bad dresser, or because you’re bald, or because you have acne, or for any such superficial reason, she’s not worth pursuing romantically anyway. 

 

2 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

I honestly just feel like a victim.

Another big mistake. Victim mentality is one of the worst traits a human being can possess. It is a giant romantic turn-off. Self-pity is incredibly self-destructive and undermines any chance of true success. Find a good therapist and do everything in your power to get that poison out of your system.

 

2 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

at this point I'm wondering if I should just try and dare someone I'm not attracted to because apparently attraction "builds over time." 

No, you shouldn’t do that. If you’re not attracted to a woman, “daring”  her when she is attracted to you would be an unethical action.

Instead, perhaps you might try to reconsider what you define as “attraction”. There are many threads on this forum where men voice the same complaints as you do, and then it turns out that they are only “attracted” to superficial visual traits. Attraction isn’t just in the mind, it’s also in the body and in the spirit. Seek someone with whom you begin to feel mutual chemistry, a physical sympathy of sorts, and build upon that.

 

2 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

my therapist says the only way I'll be confident is accepting the way I am now...

Sorry, but I disagree. Your victim mentality and your current inability to understand that confidence comes from within and not from the way you look mean that you still have ways to go.

Your first priority should be your spiritual and mental development. Please stop “swiping” on those terrible online apps, and best stop trying to date for now in general. You are not in the right mental state yet. Your self-pity and your insecurity repel women instantly, they feel those vibes and are put off.

Once you are in a state of mind fully free of victim mentality and raging insecurity, ask yourself the following questions: what are your truly attractive traits, those that normal, mature women find desirable?

Are you honest, sincere, and vulnerable? Are you kind , compassionate, and generous? Are you passionate and romantic? Are you understanding, open-minded, non-judgmental, and supportive? Are you fun to be around, easy to be with? Are you interested in spiritual and intellectual life? Are you good at what you do? Do you have passion for your job? Do you have many interests and hobbies? Are you cute and funny, can you make people smile and laugh?

As you see, none of those have anything to do with what you look like. Start working on those, they are a much, much higher priority than your looks.

 

 

[zuzu420]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is your first mistake, assuming that confidence comes from some such superficial attributes.

I’m one of the worst dressers known to mankind. People literally mock my total indifference to what I wear and my appalling taste in clothes. I also used to have acne. I have no muscles to speak of. That never prevented me from being confident with women.

My brother has been bald since he was in his early 30’s. He has never had any problems being confident with women and attract those women that he was attracted to.

If a woman rejects you only because you’re a bad dresser, or because you’re bald, or because you have acne, or for any such superficial reason, she’s not worth pursuing romantically anyway. 

 

Another big mistake. Victim mentality is one of the worst traits a human being can possess. It is a giant romantic turn-off. Self-pity is incredibly self-destructive and undermines any chance of true success. Find a good therapist and do everything in your power to get that poison out of your system.

 

No, you shouldn’t do that. If you’re not attracted to a woman, “daring”  her when she is attracted to you would be an unethical action.

Instead, perhaps you might try to reconsider what you define as “attraction”. There are many threads on this forum where men voice the same complaints as you do, and then it turns out that they are only “attracted” to superficial visual traits. Attraction isn’t just in the mind, it’s also in the body and in the spirit. Seek someone with whom you begin to feel mutual chemistry, a physical sympathy of sorts, and build upon that.

 

Sorry, but I disagree. Your victim mentality and your current inability to understand that confidence comes from within and not from the way you look mean that you still have ways to go.

Your first priority should be your spiritual and mental development. Please stop “swiping” on those terrible online apps, and best stop trying to date for now in general. You are not in the right mental state yet. Your self-pity and your insecurity repel women instantly, they feel those vibes and are put off.

Once you are in a state of mind fully free of victim mentality and raging insecurity, ask yourself the following questions: what are your truly attractive traits, those that normal, mature women find desirable?

Are you honest, sincere, and vulnerable? Are you kind , compassionate, and generous? Are you passionate and romantic? Are you understanding, open-minded, non-judgmental, and supportive? Are you fun to be around, easy to be with? Are you interested in spiritual and intellectual life? Are you good at what you do? Do you have passion for your job? Do you have many interests and hobbies? Are you cute and funny, can you make people smile and laugh?

As you see, none of those have anything to do with what you look like. Start working on those, they are a much, much higher priority than your looks.

 

 

I would be ok being bald if it didn't mess up my face every time I shave.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, zuzu420 said:

I would be ok being bald if it didn't mess up my face every time I shave.

I don’t understand the connection between being bald and shaving your face.

You mean shaving your head? Your skull?

If you mess it up every time, just let a barber do it.

[zuzu420]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t understand the connection between being bald and shaving your face.

You mean shaving your head? Your skull?

If you mess it up every time, just let a barber do it.

I know it's confusing. when I shave my head my face breaks out.

[helloladies21]

If you're shaving with a razor, have you tried with an electric? I think it would be rare to have the same skin problems that way. Or don't shave it all the way down to the skin. Keep like a permanent 5 o'clock shadow on your head.

If you can't put on muscle, you're either not working out hard enough, not getting enough calories/protien, or both. Not everyone can look like a bodybuilder, but everyone has the ability to put on muscle.

Attraction does not build over time. Don't date down like that. That's giving up.

I would put your therapist's message in different words. Assume that you're good enough. I've seen a lot of guys with the negative characteristics you describe about yourself (short, fat, poor) get girls. Some of them do better with women than I do. Do you think when they're hitting on someone they're intersted in, they care about the fact they're 5'7" and a 6 out of 10 on the looks scale? They don't care. They blindly believe they're good enough in the moment and act that way when talking to her. It's not magic. It's something you can do too.

[Els]

On 5/16/2025 at 3:24 AM, zuzu420 said:

I know it's confusing. when I shave my head my face breaks out.

When you shave the top of your head, your FACE breaks out? What??

I'm going to assume that you've only ever tried shaving your face, because razors don't have a magical ability to affect an area of skin 3 inches away from where they were used.

So, the facial skin is much more sensitive than the skin everywhere else, including the top of your head. If you have never tried shaving your head, give it a go. There's also a ton of other methods of hair removal, like depilatory creams, if razors and you really don't work together.

[zuzu420]

42 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

If you're shaving with a razor, have you tried with an electric? I think it would be rare to have the same skin problems that way. Or don't shave it all the way down to the skin. Keep like a permanent 5 o'clock shadow on your head.

If you can't put on muscle, you're either not working out hard enough, not getting enough calories/protien, or both. Not everyone can look like a bodybuilder, but everyone has the ability to put on muscle.

Attraction does not build over time. Don't date down like that. That's giving up.

I would put your therapist's message in different words. Assume that you're good enough. I've seen a lot of guys with the negative characteristics you describe about yourself (short, fat, poor) get girls. Some of them do better with women than I do. Do you think when they're hitting on someone they're intersted in, they care about the fact they're 5'7" and a 6 out of 10 on the looks scale? They don't care. They blindly believe they're good enough in the moment and act that way when talking to her. It's not magic. It's something you can do too.

I can put on some muscle but it's usually just the beginner gains and doesn't really move past that. My therapist tells me I'll never be big enough for myself which is hard to believe but maybes he's right, who knows. I know deep down the reason I wanted to do it was to get with women. I would read on reddit how guy's sex lives would sky rocket when they put on muscle and how attractive women would pay more attention to them. Are you saying that the the guys dont care that they themselves are 5 foot 7 etc or that the women don't care that the guy's are that way? It's weird how every time I see a woman I find attractive, the guy she's with is usually always taller or a built more built than me. I'm wondering if my standards are too high. I'm not aiming for women who look necessarily look like pornstars but I find them more attractive then any women my close friends are with.

[zuzu420]

1 minute ago, Els said:

When you shave the top of your head, your FACE breaks out? What??

I'm going to assume that you've only ever tried shaving your face, because razors don't have a magical ability to affect an area of skin 3 inches away from where they were used.

So, the facial skin is much more sensitive than the skin everywhere else, including the top of your head. If you have never tried shaving your head, give it a go. There's also a ton of other methods of hair removal, like depilatory creams, if razors and you really don't work together.

Yea it's strange. 

[Els]

Just now, zuzu420 said:

Yea it's strange. 

That makes absolutely zero sense, as I'm sure you can understand. It sounds like it might either be coincidence or stress. Try treating the acne separately instead.

[zuzu420]

Just now, Els said:

That makes absolutely zero sense, as I'm sure you can understand. It sounds like it might either be coincidence or stress. Try treating the acne separately instead.

it must be a reaction of some sort.

[zuzu420]

I also live with my parents still and I'm already 33. that's probably a bigger issue

[Els]

3 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

I also live with my parents still and I'm already 33. that's probably a bigger issue

Ummm... Yes.

I also find it interesting that this was an afterthought that you only mentioned after all your posts about hair loss, height, lack of muscles, and your lack of attraction to some women. I'd say that this is the elephant in the room that you definitely want to address before ANYthing else.

Why are you spending so much time swiping on dating apps instead of improving the areas of your life that sorely need improving? Muscle will only help women overlook the fact that you live with your parents when you are 23, not 33.

Edited Thursday at 03:42 AM by Els

[Gebidozo]

18 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

I would read on reddit how guy's sex lives would sky rocket when they put on muscle and how attractive women would pay more attention to them.

What a load of baloney.

Just think for a second. If a woman pays more attention to you only because you’ve put on muscle, would you really find such a woman attractive? How can silly, shallow, and superficial women be attractive? They would only be attractive to equally silly, superficial, and shallow men. 

No woman I’ve ever dated cared about big muscles. At most, they are a nice bonus. I have never built any muscles at all, which never prevented me from attracting women.

Yes, I’m not small (6 foot tall and kind of bulky), but the four or five biggest “lady slayers” I know are all small and have no muscles to speak of.

You’ve got to stop worrying about insignificant things like hair or muscles or whatnot, and address the much more glaring issues.

@Els is right about the elephant in the room. My guess is that you are either not very independent or not particularly passionate about your work. Now, that would really turn off many women. Possibly, your spiritual and intellectual interests need more attention. Women tend to like men who have strong principles and opinions.

You also appear to be too concerned about yourself. You think way too much about hair, muscles, height, and other superficial stuff. Women don’t like this in men. They like confident men who couldn’t give a damn about their looks and instead focus on their work, their interests, and what they could give to the woman they like. 

[zuzu420]

36 minutes ago, Els said:

Ummm... Yes.

I also find it interesting that this was an afterthought that you only mentioned after all your posts about hair loss, height, lack of muscles, and your lack of attraction to some women. I'd say that this is the elephant in the room that you definitely want to address before ANYthing else.

Why are you spending so much time swiping on dating apps instead of improving the areas of your life that sorely need improving? Muscle will only help women overlook the fact that you live with your parents when you are 23, not 33.

yea I'm basically screwed and worried I'll be living here until I'm in my 40s. I'm in a grad school program but the salaries for the field don't look the best. I really wish I wasn't born with multiple mental health disorders and figured myself out in my late 20s like all my friends who make good salaries and are in happy relationships. I've never had a girlfriend and who knows if I'll be attracted to women in their late 40s.

Edited Thursday at 04:16 AM by zuzu420

[zuzu420]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What a load of baloney.

Just think for a second. If a woman pays more attention to you only because you’ve put on muscle, would you really find such a woman attractive? How can silly, shallow, and superficial women be attractive? They would only be attractive to equally silly, superficial, and shallow men. 

No woman I’ve ever dated cared about big muscles. At most, they are a nice bonus. I have never built any muscles at all, which never prevented me from attracting women.

Yes, I’m not small (6 foot tall and kind of bulky), but the four or five biggest “lady slayers” I know are all small and have no muscles to speak of.

You’ve got to stop worrying about insignificant things like hair or muscles or whatnot, and address the much more glaring issues.

@Els is right about the elephant in the room. My guess is that you are either not very independent or not particularly passionate about your work. Now, that would really turn off many women. Possibly, your spiritual and intellectual interests need more attention. Women tend to like men who have strong principles and opinions.

You also appear to be too concerned about yourself. You think way too much about hair, muscles, height, and other superficial stuff. Women don’t like this in men. They like confident men who couldn’t give a damn about their looks and instead focus on their work, their interests, and what they could give to the woman they like. 

not saying they need to be big muscles but definitely more than I've ever had. I have years of useless entry level job experience and can't magically pull experience out of thin air for a job that will make me more money. so I'm in grad school now hoping that will get me a better job. I seriously hate my life and feel like an embarrassment. I should have just done a trade but my friend talked me out of it.

[zuzu420]

1 hour ago, helloladies21 said:

If you're shaving with a razor, have you tried with an electric? I think it would be rare to have the same skin problems that way. Or don't shave it all the way down to the skin. Keep like a permanent 5 o'clock shadow on your head.

If you can't put on muscle, you're either not working out hard enough, not getting enough calories/protien, or both. Not everyone can look like a bodybuilder, but everyone has the ability to put on muscle.

Attraction does not build over time. Don't date down like that. That's giving up.

I would put your therapist's message in different words. Assume that you're good enough. I've seen a lot of guys with the negative characteristics you describe about yourself (short, fat, poor) get girls. Some of them do better with women than I do. Do you think when they're hitting on someone they're intersted in, they care about the fact they're 5'7" and a 6 out of 10 on the looks scale? They don't care. They blindly believe they're good enough in the moment and act that way when talking to her. It's not magic. It's something you can do too.

yea I mean maybe I wouldn't look as bad if I lived with roommates. but ghen I'd be living check to check and probably not have much to provide.

Edited Thursday at 04:17 AM by zuzu420

[zuzu420]

40 minutes ago, Els said:

Ummm... Yes.

I also find it interesting that this was an afterthought that you only mentioned after all your posts about hair loss, height, lack of muscles, and your lack of attraction to some women. I'd say that this is the elephant in the room that you definitely want to address before ANYthing else.

Why are you spending so much time swiping on dating apps instead of improving the areas of your life that sorely need improving? Muscle will only help women overlook the fact that you live with your parents when you are 23, not 33.

for a relationship you're probably right that aesthetics not making up for my living situation for a serious relationship. But I feel like improved appearance would allow me to hook up with more women which quite honestly I rather be doing than having nothing. 

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

I have years of useless entry level job experience and can't magically pull experience out of thin air for a job that will make me more money.

I never said anything about money. I said women like men who are passionate about what they do. Are you?

 

14 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

I seriously hate my life and feel like an embarrassment.

Do I really need to tell you that hating one’s life and feeling like an embarrassment are two very unattractive traits that repel women thousands of times stronger than any visual flaws?

Please stop and think for a minute. With a huge problem like that, worrying about hair and muscles and even job isn’t only ridiculous, it’s harmful to you. What you need is a good therapist. Your mental health should take priority.

[zuzu420]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I never said anything about money. I said women like men who are passionate about what they do. Are you?

 

Do I really need to tell you that hating one’s life and feeling like an embarrassment are two very unattractive traits that repel women thousands of times stronger than any visual flaws?

Please stop and think for a minute. With a huge problem like that, worrying about hair and muscles and even job isn’t only ridiculous, it’s harmful to you. What you need is a good therapist. Your mental health should take priority.

I keep thinking a having a gf will help my mental health but maybe I'm wrong. I try to hide my self hatred from them as best as I can. I've had a few women tell me that the way I look is part of my issue. these aren't women I asked out or went on dates with but women who were giving me advice.

[Gina2005]

You seriously need to change your mindset. No one is forcing you to have something with a woman you don't find attractive, but you need to understand that the women you're attracted to will have a hard time overlooking the fact that you hate yourself on so many levels, and that's something you don't need to tell them, it shows.

As I read your post, I couldn't help but notice how you kept adding more and more things that no longer had anything to do with your hair loss, things that were harder to ignore, to the point of saying you hate your life and feel like an embarrassment. Seriously, do you think anyone, male or female, could find someone who says those things about themselves attractive?

[zuzu420]

6 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

You seriously need to change your mindset. No one is forcing you to have something with a woman you don't find attractive, but you need to understand that the women you're attracted to will have a hard time overlooking the fact that you hate yourself on so many levels, and that's something you don't need to tell them, it shows.

As I read your post, I couldn't help but notice how you kept adding more and more things that no longer had anything to do with your hair loss, things that were harder to ignore, to the point of saying you hate your life and feel like an embarrassment. Seriously, do you think anyone, male or female, could find someone who says those things about themselves attractive?

No. Which is why I try to hide my insecurities as best as I can. Wish I knew how to start a convo with a random woman at a bar or in public. but I have so much competition with other guys who meet the criteria I've mentioned.

 

 

 

 

Edited Thursday at 04:45 AM by zuzu420

[Gina2005]

5 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

No. Which is why I try to hide it as best as I can. 

You are failing at hiding that you hate yourself, I can guarantee you that.

You need to accept and love yourself as you are, that would be the first step, to  have a good relationship with you.

[Gebidozo]

31 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

I keep thinking a having a gf will help my mental health but maybe I'm wrong.

Of course you’re wrong. You’ve got it backwards. Improving your mental health will greatly increase your chances of having a girlfriend.

 

32 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

I try to hide my self hatred from them as best as I can.

You can’t hide that. My experience tells me that, as a rule, women are very perceptive, very sensitive to those things, and have something like a “radar” that detects insecurity and other mental issues in men and works like an alarm.

 

34 minutes ago, zuzu420 said:

 

[Carlston]

On 5/15/2025 at 5:20 PM, zuzu420 said:

I would be ok being bald if it didn't mess up my face every time I shave.

You're doing it wrong.