Left my BF after 3 years together. My heart and mind are so empty and every motion feels surreal.

[SadTexanChick]

I am 33F, and I was with my ex for 3 years. When we first met, I told him that I wanted to get married and have kids as my long term goal. He told me (and all his friends), that even though he never wanted to get married/have kids before (he was 35 at the time and now he is 38), he felt differently now that he met me. I was happy with this answer and for 3 years, I drove to his house almost every weekend (like 90% of the weekends) which was close to 45 minutes away for me. We were super close, and I was actually ready to spend my life with him.

 

Well, last September, I asked him again about where we are going, and he was hesitant. He comes from a terrible family and his childhood sucked, his parents are terrible (I would never wish a kid to have his parents), so this is what I used to justify his hesitation any time I brought up the topic of moving our relationship to the next step. At this time he told me wanted to date me for another 5 YEARS. I balked and said that was way too long for me, and he quickly dropped it down to 2 years which I said was still too long and we compromised on 1 year. So he had until this August to propose to me.

 

Move forward to March of this year, its the weekend of our 3 years together, and I have to basically drag him to just go look at rings with me. At the ring shop, he is on his phone the entire time. When our sales rep asks HIM how we met, he can't even answer because he's being so moody. It was so awkward. I remember when we were walking out, a sweet sweet couple was leaving before us, and they BOTH looked so in bliss. I just remember thinking to myself, "Why can't I have that? Why can't I be with someone who looks at me like that?" I cried over that feeling.

 

Then, he starts using language like "you trapped me/you forced me to this/I feel depressed at the thought of marriage". So yeah, a little less than 2 weeks ago, I told him we were done. And he was LIVID. He told one of our mutual friends that "Once she simmers down, she can come back to me and apologize and I'll think about taking her back. And the August timeline is off! She'll be lucky if I propose to her in the next 2 years!"

 

I am glad I left him. I will never go back. But I am not happy, my eyes get teary randomly throughout the day, some moments I feel fine but then the next I am crying because my heart is hurting. I really loved him and he really led me to believe that all that effort I was pouring into this relationship would yield something fruitful. I feel like such a failure.

[Gebidozo]

I understand your frustration and disappointment. Naturally, what he said to your your mutual friend after the breakup is awful, but it can be safely ascribed to his frustration and anger.

I’m not trying to justify his behavior, but it does appear that he was feeling trapped. He didn’t want to get married. At least not yet. He wanted 5 more years of dating, and you pretty much forced him to bring that number down. He wasn’t anywhere near being ready to get married. And he acted accordingly.

The thing is that you can’t pressure a person into doing something they don’t want to do. Constantly bringing up the topic of “moving the relationship forward”, bargaining with him over the exact timeline, giving him ultimatums - all that did nothing but mount more pressure and made him even more hesitant and dissatisfied.

You say that he “led you to believe” that the efforts will yield “something fruitful”. I think that there are two mistakes here. First, it looks like you led yourself to believe that he was ready to get married. Second, you are equating “fruitful” with “married”, but he doesn’t see it that way. The fact he didn’t want to get married doesn’t mean he misled you, or used you, or didn’t make any effort, or didn’t see the relationship as fruitful. He just saw these things differently. 

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, SadTexanChick said:

IWell, last September, I asked him again about where we are going, and he was hesitant. He comes from a terrible family and his childhood sucked, his parents are terrible (I would never wish a kid to have his parents), so this is what I used to justify his hesitation any time I brought up the topic of moving our relationship to the next step. At this time he told me wanted to date me for another 5 YEARS.

This is the point where it should have been clear to you that this guy didn't want to marry you.  You shouldn't have to pull teeth to get someone to talk about the future with you.  If they are not just as excited about it as you are, then you need to stop.

You and him were not on the same page for a long time.  You definitely waited too long to break up with him, but at least it's over now and you can move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, SadTexanChick said:

So he had until this August to propose to me.

I have to basically drag him to just go look at rings with me

No, no, no. 

You can see now why all of this was your sign that he just didn't want what you want. When you start putting timelines on proposals and bascially forcing someone to shop for rings with you, girl, you are with the wrong man. He wasn't doing this because he wanted to. He was going along with it because you pushed him into it. When someone is that hesiitant about disucssing the future with you,  don't keep pushing and applying pressure. Don't try to force a commitment out of them. Stop. Take a deep breath and realize this man isn't right for you. He should have been firm with you and said no to the timeline ultimatum and no to ring--shopping, but you also should have read the writing on the wall and  stopped trying to force it. I am not sure why you were surprised at his behaviour in the shop. It was pretty clear he did not want to buy you a ring and did not want to be there. 

And really, how happy would have been if he'd proposed in August only because you told him to?  Not because he truly wanted to? That wouldn't have felt very good. I know people who have taken this approach, and their marriages are not the ones I would take a model of a healthy relationship. 

You will be okay. Healing will take time, but when you are feeling better, you will see that this man was not the one you are meant to spend your life with. 

Edited May 15 by ExpatInItaly

[Carlston]

It's concerning that you were so oblivious to his feelings and wishes. You literally DRAGGED him to look at rings when he was clearly not there.

Going forward as you get involved with new people you need to be more considerate, and realize you cannot control other people. Either they're on the same page as you or they're not, these things cannot be forced. 

[SadTexanChick]

17 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I understand your frustration and disappointment. Naturally, what he said to your your mutual friend after the breakup is awful, but it can be safely ascribed to his frustration and anger.

I’m not trying to justify his behavior, but it does appear that he was feeling trapped. He didn’t want to get married. At least not yet. He wanted 5 more years of dating, and you pretty much forced him to bring that number down. He wasn’t anywhere near being ready to get married. And he acted accordingly.

The thing is that you can’t pressure a person into doing something they don’t want to do. Constantly bringing up the topic of “moving the relationship forward”, bargaining with him over the exact timeline, giving him ultimatums - all that did nothing but mount more pressure and made him even more hesitant and dissatisfied.

You say that he “led you to believe” that the efforts will yield “something fruitful”. I think that there are two mistakes here. First, it looks like you led yourself to believe that he was ready to get married. Second, you are equating “fruitful” with “married”, but he doesn’t see it that way. The fact he didn’t want to get married doesn’t mean he misled you, or used you, or didn’t make any effort, or didn’t see the relationship as fruitful. He just saw these things differently. 

Well when we first got together, he told me that initially he didn't want to get married to anyone but then when we met, he changed his mind. He told me that he would marry me, he told me he wanted kids with me (even talked about adoption), he told me he wanted me to move in with him, he would tell me all these things but then there was no action. That's why I brought up the ultimatum in the first place last year. I told him that I didn't want to be with him if he was still unsure about marriage and us. He rejected that statement immediately.

I know he wasn't right for me and I ignored a lot of writing on the wall. Now, I am here, sad, lonely, and utterly afraid that I am going to die alone, single, no kids, no family to call my own. When all I want to do is have that kind of love in this world.

[SadTexanChick]

11 hours ago, Carlston said:

It's concerning that you were so oblivious to his feelings and wishes. You literally DRAGGED him to look at rings when he was clearly not there.

Going forward as you get involved with new people you need to be more considerate, and realize you cannot control other people. Either they're on the same page as you or they're not, these things cannot be forced. 

I know that now. Things can not be forced. I just hope at 33 years old I haven't lost my chance at having a family to call my own.

[SadTexanChick]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, no, no. 

You can see now why all of this was your sign that he just didn't want what you want. When you start putting timelines on proposals and bascially forcing someone to shop for rings with you, girl, you are with the wrong man. He wasn't doing this because he wanted to. He was going along with it because you pushed him into it. When someone is that hesiitant about disucssing the future with you,  don't keep pushing and applying pressure. Don't try to force a commitment out of them. Stop. Take a deep breath and realize this man isn't right for you. He should have been firm with you and said no to the timeline ultimatum and no to ring--shopping, but you also should have read the writing on the wall and  stopped trying to force it. I am not sure why you were surprised at his behaviour in the shop. It was pretty clear he did not want to buy you a ring and did not want to be there. 

And really, how happy would have been if he'd proposed in August only because you told him to?  Not because he truly wanted to? That wouldn't have felt very good. I know people who have taken this approach, and their marriages are not the ones I would take a model of a healthy relationship. 

You will be okay. Healing will take time, but when you are feeling better, you will see that this man was not the one you are meant to spend your life with. 

I wasn't surprised at his behavior; in fact, I am glad I took him to the shop because his behavior there really started to open my eyes to the reality that this man was never planning on spending his life with me with an actual commitment. Before this day, he always told me WORDS, but there was no actions. I wanted to see his actions. When I saw them, my reality was exposed. 

 

I hope that at 33 years old, I have not lost my chances at finding love and starting a family of my own.

[Els]

There is no such thing as "losing your chance".

You can go and get a sperm donation right now if you want.

You can adopt or foster later in life when you meet the right person if you want.

People get married at any age, including in geriatric homes. People find love at any age.

You have always had options, but you ignored them in favor of literally dragging a guy to go ring shopping with you. Fortunately you have ended that... And now you STILL have options.

Yes, all of those options have downsides. None of them are worse than what you were going to do with this guy, though.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, SadTexanChick said:

Well when we first got together, he told me that initially he didn't want to get married to anyone but then when we met, he changed his mind. He told me that he would marry me, he told me he wanted kids with me (even talked about adoption), he told me he wanted me to move in with him, he would tell me all these things but then there was no action.

Of course not. He was speaking generally, as in, he was open to eventually getting married and having kids with you. Before meeting you, he rejected that idea outright; with you, he began to see it as an option, a possibility. You misinterpreted it as some sort of a concrete plan to get married and have kids as soon as possible.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, SadTexanChick said:

Now, I am here, sad, lonely, and utterly afraid that I am going to die alone, single, no kids, no family to call my own. When all I want to do is have that kind of love in this world.

People sometimes find love and happiness at the age of 90 and beyond. You’re 33, what you’re saying is ridiculous. I’m 49 and I only started the best relationship of my life less than 3 years ago.

[basil67]

On 5/16/2025 at 4:55 AM, SadTexanChick said:

I hope that at 33 years old, I have not lost my chances at finding love and starting a family of my own.

I get it.  Your fertility clock is ticking more loudly and you want to have babies with a lovely husband.    

The good news is that you've still got time.  Though I wouldn't waste any of it with any future Mr Wrongs, and if his timeline is different to yours or he's messing you around, please recognise this as incompatibility.  You can't bully a guy into marrying you

[Acacia98]

On 5/14/2025 at 8:01 PM, SadTexanChick said:

I am glad I left him. I will never go back. But I am not happy, my eyes get teary randomly throughout the day, some moments I feel fine but then the next I am crying because my heart is hurting. I really loved him and he really led me to believe that all that effort I was pouring into this relationship would yield something fruitful. I feel like such a failure.

For your sake, I'm glad it's over. Don't think of the experience as a waste of time. Think of it as a set of lessons you had to learn in order to get closer to achieving your goal of starting a family.

It's not too late for you. You haven't failed.

I have a question for you, though. I don't know if this is relevant to the main subject of your post, but I'm wondering why you did most of the driving to go and visit him for 3 years.

Edited May 16 by Acacia98