Spicydicey449 Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 Hello everyone, Ive been with my boyfriend for a bit now, 9 ish months (and have known him for a few years). We are 29 and 31. Everything is really good. I feel very lucky. He's the one I always wanted it to work out with. He's a good guy and I have no doubts about his loyalty or investment in me. He's proving he wants this to work. That being said, tonight we were out having some drinks. Just a couple, neither of us was drunk. But we got talking a little too much about our past relationships. I do appreciate the ability for us to be able to be open. But sometimes it STINGS. And I fully know it's my own insecurities, I've initiated a lot of this conversation. And he's very normal and respectful about the exes. Which is a GOOD thing about him as a person. But then toxically it makes me feel less special. And I know it isn't true. And I definitely don't routinely feel this way, but tonight I am struggling. I guess I am mostly venting but advice is welcome! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 46 minutes ago, Spicydicey449 said: And I fully know it's my own insecurities, I've initiated a lot of this conversation. I'll ask the obvious question - why? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spicydicey449 Posted May 14 Author Share Posted May 14 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I'll ask the obvious question - why? Unfortunately because I am nosey to a fault Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 42 minutes ago, Spicydicey449 said: Unfortunately because I am nosey to a fault Then this is the real issue to resolve. You are asking too many questions, evidently, and you aren't really prepared to hear the answers. Why keep doing this to yourself? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 7 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said: I guess I am mostly venting but advice is welcome! You’ll have to switch to a positive mindset concerning exes. They are the ones that helped shape your boyfriend and make him the good man that you love now. Think of them as those that did all the preparatory work but you’re the one that reaps the benefits. Think of them with respect and gratitude. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 So STOP asking him about his past relationships. What else could you possibly need to know? It's a topic best left in the past. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sanch62 Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 Would you prefer a man who can graciously leave a relationship that didn't work for him, or one who claims to have been continually victimized by his lousy choices in women? If he had a string of crazy or abusive exes, how would that somehow help you to feel more special? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 14 Share Posted May 14 13 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said: And I fully know it's my own insecurities, I've initiated a lot of this conversation. And he's very normal and respectful about the exes. Which is a GOOD thing about him as a person. But then toxically it makes me feel less special. It's not the discussions which are making you feel less special, it's your lack of self esteem. You need therapy to work through those root causes 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 (edited) On 5/14/2025 at 3:03 AM, Spicydicey449 said: And he's very normal and respectful about the exes. Which is a GOOD thing about him as a person. But then toxically it makes me feel less special. This is a you problem. I think you know that, right? Work on your own self esteem and you won’t be engaging in these kind of self sabotaging thoughts/actions. There is a good reason why people don’t discuss their past relationships intimate detail. It not a particularly healthy thing to do. Edited May 16 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 On 5/14/2025 at 4:41 AM, ExpatInItaly said: You are asking too many questions, evidently, and you aren't really prepared to hear the answers. Why keep doing this to yourself? Eventually, he will tire of it. Nobody likes to be with someone who is either jealous or has a constant need for reassurance and validation. This line of conversation gets old real fast… Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 (edited) How to work through this? Go through all the things you feel blessed about in this relationship and how it relates to your life. In time the insecurity will then pass. It's a given, when you are in love, there will be a twinge of jealousy/concern...it's perfectly normal in the short term BUT if this becomes a habit, you should seek professional help because you are at an age now where this sort of thing shouldn't matter. Edited May 18 by smackie9 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 18 Share Posted May 18 You're not even talking about jealousy here. Jealousy involves a situation that is current - e.g. if he is still talking to these people. If it's in the past, it's "retroactive jealousy", and that's even worse. They're in the past, it's just your anxiety taking the reigns. Therapy could help with that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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