Modern Dating Sucks!

May 12

So this is a little bit of a vent/checking if I'm going insane or if other people feel the same way, plus looking for a bit of advice.

It feels these days like dating (the odd time it happens) is a not all that enjoyable chore, and I'm finding it increasingly hard to see the optimism.

I'm 31 now, so I'm aware that naturally the landscape changes once you get into your 30s, people are looking for different things and may be shaped by past experiences etc.

But I don't remember the last time I had a date that was just a good, fun time, which is surely the aim. In previous years my struggle wasn't getting dates but was more finding people I liked and connected with on a deeper level, however I had many encounters which were fun and easy-going, even when I turned up to a date where it was obvious quickly I wasn't feeling it romantically it would often be a good night of drinks and chats and I'd leave feeling I had enjoyed myself.

These days dates are getting very thin on the ground, I'm not matching much on the apps and while the typical advice is to meet people in person I get out a lot but I'm not having much joy there either, even in terms of making friends (I live in my home country but pretty much all my long term friends have moved away). Every conversation feels a bit like a ChatGPT copy and paste and it's harder and harder to meet genuine cool people I can see myself connecting with, romantically or otherwise.

When I have gone on dates recently it seems hyper-formal and like my date has come with their checklist prepared looking to see if I fit some kind of model boyfriend they're looking for. There's been a couple that have gone relatively well (I still wouldn't say they were that carefree and fun) and even got a text from the girl after saying she really enjoyed the date but then when I suggest meeting up again it was either ghosting or just disregarding the message and talking about something else.

It's kind of hard to figure out if I'm just taking it way too seriously now (I've decided I want something a bit deeper now rather than casual or "see how things go" like I would have in the past), or it's just the way things are going in general, or a bit of both. I do hear a lot from other people that dating is becoming impossible to navigate the way people are becoming increasingly isolated and social-media fixated.

It's frustrating because I know it takes time and patience to make the right connections but it feels like I'm going backwards and not really connecting full stop, the right ones or otherwise.

Thoughts?

May 13

7 hours ago, FredEire said:

It feels these days like dating (the odd time it happens) is a not all that enjoyable chore, and I'm finding it increasingly hard to see the optimism.

I'm sorry to hear this. It's pretty common to need a break from a focus on dating for a while. It can prompt you to focus on other things that ground you and help you feel like yourself again. Then you can return refreshed.

May 13

19 hours ago, FredEire said:

So this is a little bit of a vent/checking if I'm going insane or if other people feel the same way, plus looking for a bit of advice.

It feels these days like dating (the odd time it happens) is a not all that enjoyable chore, and I'm finding it increasingly hard to see the optimism.

I'm 31 now, so I'm aware that naturally the landscape changes once you get into your 30s, people are looking for different things and may be shaped by past experiences etc.

But I don't remember the last time I had a date that was just a good, fun time, which is surely the aim. In previous years my struggle wasn't getting dates but was more finding people I liked and connected with on a deeper level, however I had many encounters which were fun and easy-going, even when I turned up to a date where it was obvious quickly I wasn't feeling it romantically it would often be a good night of drinks and chats and I'd leave feeling I had enjoyed myself.

These days dates are getting very thin on the ground, I'm not matching much on the apps and while the typical advice is to meet people in person I get out a lot but I'm not having much joy there either, even in terms of making friends (I live in my home country but pretty much all my long term friends have moved away). Every conversation feels a bit like a ChatGPT copy and paste and it's harder and harder to meet genuine cool people I can see myself connecting with, romantically or otherwise.

When I have gone on dates recently it seems hyper-formal and like my date has come with their checklist prepared looking to see if I fit some kind of model boyfriend they're looking for. There's been a couple that have gone relatively well (I still wouldn't say they were that carefree and fun) and even got a text from the girl after saying she really enjoyed the date but then when I suggest meeting up again it was either ghosting or just disregarding the message and talking about something else.

It's kind of hard to figure out if I'm just taking it way too seriously now (I've decided I want something a bit deeper now rather than casual or "see how things go" like I would have in the past), or it's just the way things are going in general, or a bit of both. I do hear a lot from other people that dating is becoming impossible to navigate the way people are becoming increasingly isolated and social-media fixated.

It's frustrating because I know it takes time and patience to make the right connections but it feels like I'm going backwards and not really connecting full stop, the right ones or otherwise.

Thoughts?

Fred what you are experiencing is actually extremely common and it's something most people face who are single once they become legitimate adults. It really is just maturity kicking in and people no longer being satisfied with what they enjoyed when they were younger.

A key thing to remember just as you are becoming more frustrated with dating as you have gotten older so have the women you are looking for as well (infact probably even moreso because women usually don't enjoy dating as much as men do overall).

I know where I am from a lot of single adult women will be taking care of kids from a previous relationship or marriage and that often makes a big difference in what a person's priorities are. You have said that where you are from many single women are childless but that still doesn't mean they are going to be satisfied with what they found enjoyable when they were in their early to mid 20's.

Are there many activity groups there where you live where you can meet people based around a common interest in an activity as opposed to just going to a pub on a Friday or Saturday night?

Here that is how a lot of adults meet friends and dating partners outside of online. Is to seek out an activity group to join.

May 13

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Fred what you are experiencing is actually extremely common and it's something most people face who are single once they become legitimate adults. It really is just maturity kicking in and people no longer being satisfied with what they enjoyed when they were younger.

A key thing to remember just as you are becoming more frustrated with dating as you have gotten older so have the women you are looking for as well (infact probably even moreso because women usually don't enjoy dating as much as men do overall).

I know where I am from a lot of single adult women will be taking care of kids from a previous relationship or marriage and that often makes a big difference in what a person's priorities are. You have said that where you are from many single women are childless but that still doesn't mean they are going to be satisfied with what they found enjoyable when they were in their early to mid 20's.

Are there many activity groups there where you live where you can meet people based around a common interest in an activity as opposed to just going to a pub on a Friday or Saturday night?

Here that is how a lot of adults meet friends and dating partners outside of online. Is to seek out an activity group to join.

Yeah that's true. I haven't dated anyone recently with a child but there definitely seems to be an increased level of baggage and skepticism based on previous relationships etc that kicks in around 27+. It definitely seems to be a rarity to meet someone who's actually dealt with said baggage in a healthy way. The last girl I dated fit that description but we disagreed on children and apart from that I just wasn't feeling the spark as much as she was sadly.

I did used to sometimes date older women when I was under 25, i.e around the age I am now. But I guess it was more fun because they didn't see me as boyfriend material at least initially and it was more of a fun "toyboy" experience for them, so they didn't view me through the lens of comparing me to all their exes etc.

Yeah I do get involved in a lot of social groups and activities, but like I said in OP so far I've met generally pleasant people but not many I'd connect with even as a friend. Just very basic polite but somewhat forced conversations. That said most of the events I've gone to were generally meetup stuff so maybe I'd have better luck with something more specific like painting classes. I'm open to try anything.

May 13

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah that's true. I haven't dated anyone recently with a child but there definitely seems to be an increased level of baggage and skepticism based on previous relationships etc that kicks in around 27+. It definitely seems to be a rarity to meet someone who's actually dealt with said baggage in a healthy way. The last girl I dated fit that description but we disagreed on children and apart from that I just wasn't feeling the spark as much as she was sadly.

I did used to sometimes date older women when I was under 25, i.e around the age I am now. But I guess it was more fun because they didn't see me as boyfriend material at least initially and it was more of a fun "toyboy" experience for them, so they didn't view me through the lens of comparing me to all their exes etc.

Yeah I do get involved in a lot of social groups and activities, but like I said in OP so far I've met generally pleasant people but not many I'd connect with even as a friend. Just very basic polite but somewhat forced conversations. That said most of the events I've gone to were generally meetup stuff so maybe I'd have better luck with something more specific like painting classes. I'm open to try anything.

Yeah when you take part in an activity group it needs to be an activity you genuinely enjoy. For instance if you enjoy hiking you can join a hiking group. People who are showing up to activity groups for reasons other than the activity tend to stick out pretty quickly.

For me it's a little easier because I enjoy dating women significantly older and usually there is only one reason people with a 20 to 30 year old age difference are talking to each other online.

Edited May 13 by Sony12

May 13

13 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yeah when you take part in an activity group it needs to be an activity you genuinely enjoy. For instance if you enjoy hiking you can join a hiking group. People who are showing up to activity groups for reasons other than the activity tend to stick out pretty quickly.

For me it's a little easier because I enjoy dating women significantly older and usually there is only one reason people with a 20 to 30 year old age difference are talking to each other online.

Yeah you make a good point. It's also an easy win because you end up doing something you enjoy even if you don't end up meeting any potential partners/friends.

I've found general meetup groups and language exchanges a bit tiresome. Generally a load of horny guys trying to one-up eachother and women who love the attention but aren't there for much more than that.

May 13

IMO it's more about your age group than it is about modernity. Dating has always been hard for 30+ year olds, because at this age many people are already paired up, or are single parents, etc. I'm in my late 30s and while I'm married, I have many single friends around my age, and they've all started encountering the same problem as you around their 30s. Even though they entered their 30s half a decade earlier than you did.

Also, there's just something about hitting the big three zero that makes social interactions less carefree for some reason. I personally have encountered the same issue with making new friends.

May 13

1 hour ago, Els said:

IMO it's more about your age group than it is about modernity. Dating has always been hard for 30+ year olds, because at this age many people are already paired up, or are single parents, etc. I'm in my late 30s and while I'm married, I have many single friends around my age, and they've all started encountering the same problem as you around their 30s. Even though they entered their 30s half a decade earlier than you did.

Also, there's just something about hitting the big three zero that makes social interactions less carefree for some reason. I personally have encountered the same issue with making new friends.

Yep, it sucks!

I have to say I didn't have any of these issues really the year I turned 30, but maybe I'm a proper member of the 30s club now

May 14

This really puzzles me, since my dating experience (between long term relationships) in my 30’s was definitely great and overall better than in my 20’s.

My most successful dating year was when I was 38. That was also the only full year that I was single between the ages of 23 and now (49).

In their 20’s (especially early 20’s) people rarely know what they want, they change their mind a lot. Dating felt like gambling to me in my early 20’s - unhealthily ecstatic when you win, deeply painful when you lose. Emotional attachment and level of neediness were so high, every encounter felt like a great love story, every breakup felt like the end of the world. I couldn’t take it easy, I didn’t have enough self love and confidence and enough life outside of romance.

I find it much easier to date when you’re a grownup, when you’re good at what you do, have important work and interests outside of dating, when you’re more relaxed, mentally stronger, tougher, when you know what you want. And of course it’s very important that your potential partners are like that too. They’ve had experiences, good and bad, they are more mature, they know what they want as well.

I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to help you except encourage you to keep trying. Hopefully you find your dating partners in real life, because if you’re using OLD I think it’s a whole different world I know very little about, and so far everything I’ve learned about it (mainly through this forum) appears very unattractive and messed up to me.

May 14

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

This really puzzles me, since my dating experience (between long term relationships) in my 30’s was definitely great and overall better than in my 20’s.

My most successful dating year was when I was 38. That was also the only full year that I was single between the ages of 23 and now (49).

In their 20’s (especially early 20’s) people rarely know what they want, they change their mind a lot. Dating felt like gambling to me in my early 20’s - unhealthily ecstatic when you win, deeply painful when you lose. Emotional attachment and level of neediness were so high, every encounter felt like a great love story, every breakup felt like the end of the world. I couldn’t take it easy, I didn’t have enough self love and confidence and enough life outside of romance.

I find it much easier to date when you’re a grownup, when you’re good at what you do, have important work and interests outside of dating, when you’re more relaxed, mentally stronger, tougher, when you know what you want. And of course it’s very important that your potential partners are like that too. They’ve had experiences, good and bad, they are more mature, they know what they want as well.

I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to help you except encourage you to keep trying. Hopefully you find your dating partners in real life, because if you’re using OLD I think it’s a whole different world I know very little about, and so far everything I’ve learned about it (mainly through this forum) appears very unattractive and messed up to me.

I relate a lot to what you said about your 20s.

I guess my impression of the 30s so far is it's real make or break time in terms of how middle and old age is going to be. Some flourish, others fall off big time.

I guess I need to focus on being the best version of myself in terms of knowledge, money, career and wealth. Hopefully if I can get where I could potentially be, the dating side of things will pick up. It's just a different ball game now obviously.

May 14

On 5/13/2025 at 10:43 AM, FredEire said:

Yeah you [@Sony12] make a good point. It's also an easy win because you end up doing something you enjoy even if you don't end up meeting any potential partners/friends.

Yes, if you find an interest or cause that you can become passionate about, whether it's artistic, altruistic, environmental, political, or even something as simple as walking dogs trapped in a shelter, you will gain from the experience, and meeting others would be icing on that cake.

As for social groups, such as meetups, rather than target people within your own age group as part of what you've perceived as a superficial competition, try seeking out older, even elderly people to mentor you socially. Especially couples.

Older folks have earned their status and their relaxed approach to socializing. They often host parties or attend events where they've curated a mix of people to introduce to one another. They are often multi-generational socializers and tend to freely offer valuable guidance. They've seen it all.

May 14

13 hours ago, FredEire said:

I guess I need to focus on being the best version of myself in terms of knowledge, money, career and wealth.

Totally agree with the knowledge and career parts. Money wouldn’t hurt, of course, but having a lot of it adds to the equation the complication of dating potential gold diggers. I have a very rich friend who has a bit of a problem with that. It certainly helps to be financially independent, though.

But career is very important, and not even the career itself, but your passion for your job, your interest in what you do. Even if it doesn’t pay much or doesn’t pay at all, if you do something you truly love, strive to achieve something, improve, and keep your spirits up, there is no way women won’t notice that. All my life I’ve been observing this, women being attracted to men who have passion for what they do, have an energetic mind and spirit, and don’t give up.

The thing is that, once you know what you have to offer and value that, other people will see that as well. If, however, you keep thinking that the 30’s are a gradual downward slope, people around you will feel that vibe and react accordingly.

Personally, I think that the 30’s are just the beginning of an ascent, the first steps of a formative path that make a boy into a man.

May 15

Late 30s now and have basically given up. Apps are okay for short term fling type things but actually meeting someone for anything meaningful is impossible.

Just have to try and stay busy with work and whatever else you have going on and don't dwell on it.

May 15

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Totally agree with the knowledge and career parts. Money wouldn’t hurt, of course, but having a lot of it adds to the equation the complication of dating potential gold diggers. I have a very rich friend who has a bit of a problem with that. It certainly helps to be financially independent, though.

But career is very important, and not even the career itself, but your passion for your job, your interest in what you do. Even if it doesn’t pay much or doesn’t pay at all, if you do something you truly love, strive to achieve something, improve, and keep your spirits up, there is no way women won’t notice that. All my life I’ve been observing this, women being attracted to men who have passion for what they do, have an energetic mind and spirit, and don’t give up.

The thing is that, once you know what you have to offer and value that, other people will see that as well. If, however, you keep thinking that the 30’s are a gradual downward slope, people around you will feel that vibe and react accordingly.

Personally, I think that the 30’s are just the beginning of an ascent, the first steps of a formative path that make a boy into a man.

Yes, I have absolutely no desire to get into the world of sugar daddies/babies. You're basically setting yourself up for heartbreak when she has milked you enough to ditch you for a younger guy. There's never any guarantee your partner isn't exploiting you in some way but knowingly putting yourself in that situation for an ego boost I can't get my head around.

Interesting, I have older friends who say the same thing, which gives me a lot of hope for the future. Unfortunately I also know a lot (including my Dad) who say life is pretty good until 30 and then you're basically subsisting as things slowly fall apart. It depends on what road you take I guess.

May 15

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Late 30s now and have basically given up. Apps are okay for short term fling type things but actually meeting someone for anything meaningful is impossible.

Just have to try and stay busy with work and whatever else you have going on and don't dwell on it.

I'm sorry to hear that. Fwiw I have a friend who's a similar age to me, had given up on dating for a few years now and when his mind was totally off it something landed in his lap and he seems to be getting on pretty well with this girl. It can always happen with an open mind and heart I suppose.

May 15

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

I'm sorry to hear that. Fwiw I have a friend who's a similar age to me, had given up on dating for a few years now and when his mind was totally off it something landed in his lap and he seems to be getting on pretty well with this girl. It can always happen with an open mind and heart I suppose.

There's always the unexpected but not good to kid yourself on that that's what's going to happen. Just as likely that nothing at all will happen.

No real reason for me to get in a relationship unless it's to start a family and that's a window that's almost closed. Even then I'm not sure I'd cope with a real relationship

May 15

2 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

There's always the unexpected but not good to kid yourself on that that's what's going to happen. Just as likely that nothing at all will happen.

No real reason for me to get in a relationship unless it's to start a family and that's a window that's almost closed. Even then I'm not sure I'd cope with a real relationship

Well, my auntie is in her first real long-term solid relationship pretty much ever now in her late 50s. I'd say the companionship is worth a lot even if starting a family is off the table. I guess she's proof that it can happen whenever you're really ready for it, even if that's much later in life

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